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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Military Deployment/Affairs
alexanderl42
♀ Member
Member # 18947
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, September 25th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, if I may ask, hurting2much, if it is over why is your husband still emailing? Are they in the same place or different? Why steps have you done so far and can you give us alittle more background?

Posts: 529 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Tennessee
hurting2much
♀ Member
Member # 25643
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, September 25th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are both AD. Married 22 yrs; we are currently stationed apart. D-Day was 9 months ago, went to marriage counseling, I went to individual counsel. He states he broke off all contact, etc, etc, but found out one month ago, still exchanging emails. I printed off an email from H to OW, talking about sexual encounter, therefore "proof". At times I get so angry, I just want to talk to legal, and scare him into finally coming to his senses, and realizing just how much he has to lose. Why did he email her?....who knows. I don't and his reply "I don't know why I did it."...god, I hear that line more than I want to!


Divorced

Posts: 1101 | Registered: Sep 2009
alexanderl42
♀ Member
Member # 18947
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, September 26th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I see, I guess that we are in a very unique situation, I have been apart from my husband alot for the past few years, he is a retired Major, now contractor. I kind of did the same thing, found the email letters and then attached a file with all 25 of them and sent an email back to him. I then went and saw a lawer and found out my rights. I think you are heading in the right direction. Since we were apart, I called the OW and wrote her an email indicating that there was to be NC again. I know where she lives and where her husband works, I would contact him immediately, the next time. I would do the 180 on your husband, go to JAG or civilian attorney and start lining up my ducks, so to speak. Think he is still in the fog, basically all contact stops. I am sorry and (((hurting2much))), it does get better!

[This message edited by alexanderl42 at 8:18 AM, September 26th (Saturday)]


Posts: 529 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Tennessee
whichpath
♀ Member
Member # 18674
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, September 26th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought for a minute about going to legal with my proof of A but quickly put it out of my mind. As angry as I was, and as much as I wanted to hurt him (and OW who was also AD), I knew that the problem was with my marriage and not his career. The 2 are completely unrelated and you want R to be about him coming back to you and the marriage, not about saving his job. Had I told on him, all efforts would have been on his career, not the marriage. As we are in now good R, I'm glad I didn't complicate things that way. I know that OW was VERY concerned that I was going to out them, so concerned that WH started to see where her prorities lay (not with him!) I'm glad that I chose to take the high road and I think the contrast between she and I became clear.

I think taking things to the chain of command should be a last ditch effort and only as a request to solicit help in ending the A, not to stick him where it hurts. Let the loss to him be about losing you not his job.


Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2008
rampage
♀ Member
Member # 25654
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, September 28th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

how do you guys deal with guys who have a history and first go on deployment???

Posts: 94 | Registered: Sep 2009
hurting2much
♀ Member
Member # 25643
Default  Posted: 5:46 AM, September 29th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Where is your H going and for how long? My situation is different; I was deployed and my WH was at home, stateside.


Divorced

Posts: 1101 | Registered: Sep 2009
disbeliefat19
♀ New Member
Member # 25313
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, September 30th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurting2much:
If I have to hear "I don't know why I did it" one more damn time, I am going to scream. What my H is doing is saying that, followed by: "..and that's what I'm trying to figure out"(in IC).
He won't "commit" to a total R until he "finds himself" and "figures it out". He's about to run out of time.
Aaaarrrggghhhh!!!

Posts: 3 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: NC
luvedmypbear
♀ Member
Member # 25690
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, September 30th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any advice on my sitch will be so appreciated....I have been lingering for a while and just became a member today. D-Day for me was July 14, 2009 because I accidentally came across damning emails detailing a PA that took place 2 years ago. Husband denied for 4 days and then finally admitted the truth and asked for forgiveness. The A was over because MOW had professed her love for my WH and he told her he wasn't feeling it and didn't want anyone to get hurt.

So, here's what happened, WH was in the military for 10 years and then got out following tours in Afghanistan and Iraq. We got married a few months later and he called me the "real hero" for standing by him and being faithful during his time away in his speech to our guests on our wedding night.

He was formally diagnosed with PTSD and tried medication, which made him suicidal and then decided he would just deal with it on his own. 2 years into his own "treatment" (or lack thereof), he was drunk most of the time, hardly ever came home, was verbally and emotionally abusive, unemployed and had major depression/anxiety/anger issues. I was working 2 jobs and had just given birth to a son, just to turn around and get pregnant with a daughter a few months later. Our lives were filled with issues from his ignored diagnosis and we communicated less and less. Our sex life shifted from 3-4 per day to 3-4 per week.
In mid December 2007, he went to his buddy's house to get drunk as he sometimes does and I was pregnant and tired and didn't feel like joining him on a 30 mile drive just to watch him get drunk. His sister in law, whose husband was in Iraq at the time happened to be visiting from out of town. They got very drunk, his buddy passed out and this woman kissed him and they had sex (while not a "friend", I have known her for 10 years and her sister was a bridesmaid in my wedding). They had sex a few more times over the next few weeks. Then she went back home and I gave birth to my daughter several weeks early. They carried on together via phone sex/erotic chat, etc. and then had one more night together in Mar 08. Then no contact, then she emailed him this past April and they started up with the sexy chat again which is how I know all of this because he never purged deleted or sent messages from his email. In late June, she called him and told him she had fallen in love, he told her he didn't feel that way and wanted things to be platonic again. Then, a few weeks later, I discovered everything and, on his own accord, he asked her not to contact him anymore. I asked him to let me know if she does.

So, here are some things I need help with......first of all I am devastated, even with a few months to digest the information. He is sincere in his request for forgiveness and tells me he wants to be with me and our kids and that he was a different person back then and cannot believe he acted the way he did. I want to believe, but am still trying to figure out why he lied for so long to begin with. The other woman's husband does not know and I have chosen not to tell him while he is still deployed. Honestly, I'd rather just focus on my marriage and not tell him at all, not because I am afraid she'll become single and come after my husband but to protect our friendship with their in laws and to just move on from a terrible mistake. I do not want this one mistake to define my husband or tarnish our marriage.

I am in IC to figure myself out mostly because this is the second time this has happened to me (thankfully last time I was just engaged and there were no kids involved) but I need to know what I do to make my significant others feel free to behave this way.
We have been living separately for several months due to work related issues and have seen each other twice since I found out. I still love him and still feel like he is the only one for me. I wish this never happened to us. I wish I could be someone's special person and they would never consider doing this to me.

I am at a loss....I'm learning about PTSD and have found out that this is very common for some looking for the adrenaline rush that goes along with forbidden sex. I can intellectually get it, while still feel broken hearted. I want to support him in his journey home and know this is just one more stop for him, but feel devasted....after waiting for years, completely celibate for him to get home, when he does, he cheats! WTF!!!!

Any advice out there????


D-Day July 14, 2009
3 kids (B7, G6, B2)
BW, 37
D and healing, one day at a time

Posts: 1034 | Registered: Sep 2009
luvedmypbear
♀ Member
Member # 25690
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, October 1st (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is anyone else out there dealing with a partner who has combat PTSD and had a physical affair?


D-Day July 14, 2009
3 kids (B7, G6, B2)
BW, 37
D and healing, one day at a time

Posts: 1034 | Registered: Sep 2009
neverknewpain
♀ Member
Member # 25842
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, October 18th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone. I hope I am welcome here. My H did not have A while deployed but D day was right before deployment. He is deployed now and will be until June 2010. Working on anything has been really hard for me. I do not think he is doing anything while he is gone but I never thought he could or would have a year and a half long A either.


BW (me) 29
WS (him) 38
D Day June 5, 2009
..."I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually

Posts: 214 | Registered: Oct 2009
ali30471
♀ Member
Member # 25582
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, October 19th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry you have to be here Never. My WH is getting ready to deploy in a few weeks and so far things aren't going well. I have no idea how it's going to work once he is gone. It's life on hold. There is no way of knowing what he is doing while away. I'm sorry.

No advise, but lots of {{{hugs}}}


Me 48
Wh 43
6 kids, 3 mine, 3 his, 3 living at home.
D-day July 11,2009

Posts: 64 | Registered: Sep 2009
whichpath
♀ Member
Member # 18674
Default  Posted: 12:02 AM, October 20th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

never and ali,
Welcome to this forum. In my case, WH has not deployed since DDay so I'm sorry I cannot help you through that with regards to R specifically. This forum can be quiet but I think it is so important to have an outlet for us. It seems that you two are in the same stage so I hope you can lean on eachother. I'll try to pipe in occasionally if I feel I have the experience to contribute.

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2008
hurting2much
♀ Member
Member # 25643
Default  Posted: 4:46 AM, October 20th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out about my WH's A's 6 months before he went on a one year remote. We went to MC and I to IC prior to his leaving. He left in June. I encouraged him to go to IC while away--his first appt is this week, as he broke NC in Aug.

What do we do: lots of emails, some phone calls. My life is in limbo, so the situation is not the best.

My suggestion would be to have some goals, both of you: exercise (who can lose the most weight), read the books in the healing library and then send them to him, write letters (not just email). There are counselors in all deployed settings. Ask your H specificially "what" his plan is, if he starts getting lonely, etc., that way he has to think about a real plan and how to avoid situations. We did this, thought is was solid, but he still had a slip.


Divorced

Posts: 1101 | Registered: Sep 2009
anotherpea
♀ Member
Member # 25212
Default  Posted: 5:18 AM, October 20th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ali and neverknewpain, my WH deployed a few weeks after DDay as well and he will be gone for a year. I find it incredibly frustrating. Even though I know it isn't true, I feel like he has run off and hid from all the crap he created by screwing around shortly before he left.

He is getting help from a friend here at home to work on some IC and MC - sort of a correspondence type thing - so I am a little hopeful that we can move a little bit on this over the next year. I am just dreading the thought that I'm going to be in limbo of sorts for a year and then all the anger and the rest of it will come flooding back again when he gets home.

We mostly chat on yahoo or use email and cards and letters. We have used skype as well but I am just a little too angry a lot of the time to be talking 'face to face' - it is extremely frustrating for me not to get the physical consolation after an angry outburst.

As for what I am doing while he is gone - I found a great question here on this site - "Who are you outside your marriage" - and I have been reflecting about my answers and working at discovering who I am and who I want to be. I have started to break out of my comfort zone and try new things.

I also get out of the house - I go for a run or I wander in the park or down by the river - where ever my feet take me. I don't really want to be around people and socialize but just getting out and remembering there is a big wide world has helped me get through many an hour.


[This message edited by anotherpea at 5:20 AM, October 20th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 120 | Registered: Aug 2009
whichpath
♀ Member
Member # 18674
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, October 20th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For most SIers, the path seems to be to get M fixed somewhat, then work on self. For deployed spouses, we have to work backwards, fix self then M. It actually seems like it could be more successful our way. I used to feel such a sense of futility to hear of deployed spouses dealing with the discovery of an affair, but really what we are doing is just a VERY well executed 180. My heart is with you all.

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2008
ali30471
♀ Member
Member # 25582
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, October 21st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm on my final straw now. He has purposely missed 3 MC appts. In that time he started with another woman, an old fling. He had nothing to say about it. It's like he has no feelings what so ever.

I went to his 1st SGT yesterday. He is meeting with him today and I will be there. 1SGT said there is no way he should have been missing those appts. He is not gonna be a happy camper, but something had to be done. He has to take care of his family first...words straight from 1SGT. Wish me luck!


Me 48
Wh 43
6 kids, 3 mine, 3 his, 3 living at home.
D-day July 11,2009

Posts: 64 | Registered: Sep 2009
whichpath
♀ Member
Member # 18674
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, October 21st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh ali! Hugs for you and those children. I am glad you've gotten 1st SGT involved now. He can help you with the financial and legal ramifications of his A's. Are they EA's or PA's? Where are you with all of this--wanting to R still?

Gently asking- is there a way you can put aside your feelings about WH when it comes to taking care of the kids on your own. I know you know they had nothing to do with their fathers behaviour and they would suffer so much to lose you. And I think you may suffer too. They have been a part of your life and you may find some strength on them. Not that it isn't reasonable to expect you to pass them off, just that in years from now when you are "healed", wouldn't you wish they were in your life?


Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2008
ali30471
♀ Member
Member # 25582
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, October 23rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well the meeting went ok. I was terrified of what his reaction would be. But at the time he just acted like nothing was wrong. Didn't want to let anyone else see, which that I don't blame him.

Later that night he didn't want to talk, which is normal. It's like pulling teeth to get him to say one word. I asked him if he was mad that I went to command. He said yes. He said the military is like a small town and word will get out and be all blown out of proportion. I had a feeling he was going to respond this way. More worried about what HE would look like than working on his marriage. I bit my tongue on that one. I'm so tired of being the one to spill my emotions...I'm drained.

I told him the ball is in his court, either he wants to work on us or not. That simple. He said he does not know what to do and that he wants to talk to 1SGT again. If he can talk to anyone and get it out that would be great. But he needs to come back to me and tell me what he wants to do. I'm the main party here.

Every other minute I'm changing my mind as to stay or go. I know it will be devistating for the boys and I know I will have regret later if I go. I ask myself constantly should I stay for them and give up myself until he gets back, or take care of myself and move on. I just wish all the sick feelings and anxiety would just go away!


Me 48
Wh 43
6 kids, 3 mine, 3 his, 3 living at home.
D-day July 11,2009

Posts: 64 | Registered: Sep 2009
gardengirl
♀ Member
Member # 26021
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, October 29th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello All. I came across this board and it seemed the most likely place for me. 3 mths ago, my husband of nearly 4 years cheated on me while TAD. He worked with a girl, she stroked his ego, and the second their feet touched land, they fell in bed (after drinking heavily), and then later the same day when she called him to "hang out" in her room, he grabbed a condom and went. While he was on the boat, he never even acknowledged to her that he was married; she didnt know until the day I called her, he told her he was separated and had his own apt. She told me later she thought she was a classic rebound and that he was using that time away on the ship to sort of relive his single days. It took a month and a half and 4 "I'm going to commit to the marriage"s for me to find out the truth, and I was only able to get the whole thing through talking to her. The 4th "commitment" stuck, but I found out 2 wks later that there had been physical interaction; he only told me pieces of the truth so I had to grieve time and time again that something new was revealed. He cried and begged, and I was still willing to give it a go. Well, after catching him in another lie, I finally pried the rest of the story out of him and confirmed with her. She was horrified when she found out that he had in fact been married (and communicating daily via email with me) as well as that he had not 1, but 2 kids (he only claimed our youngest, because he "saw her face and didn't want to upset her more" although I believe and he has vaguely acknowledged that it was so she wouldnt be too overwhelmed to date him in the future). So he was on land (out of the country) 2 wks before coming home. He called me 5 days after he slept with her and told me lies and we fought and then he totally cut contact until he flew back to the US, where he told me from the airport he wanted a divorce. Well, not full contact as right before he flew home he sent me a POS Dear John letter. Meanwhile, he called her the entire time and ran through multiple phone cards. The first week he was home was hell until the first reconcilliation. What I found out later after following my instincts is that he was in constant contact with her via email and text until the first reconcilliation and then there was no communication for a week and a half and then suddenly he made a last-ditch attempt to go see her and try to convince her to be with him. When she said no, still thinking he was only separated but finding that to be unacceptable (at least he cheated with a decent person!), he apologized for bothering her and told her he'd contact her no more, and he hasn't. It was only after that he was willing to try with me. He said that was the turning point for him in realizing how badly he'd f***ed up and that he had to salvage what he had. I tend to view it more as Choice #1 didn't want him so back to Choice #2. She ssaid she viewed it differently by the lags in contact - she thought she was strictly "filler" for me, which is why there was no contact when things between he and I were good.

My problem now is I'm at a loss, I feel in limbo. I'm with him "giving it a try" for what we had, for our kids, for what I know we're capabale of being, but I do not love him anymore and I definitely don't trust him or have faith in him. I enjoy our time together, I miss him when he's gone, and he's done everything right since they stopped talking - "checks in" constantly, reassures and supports me, helps out more and is consistent, and lets his actions follow his words. He says he realizes now how he will never find anyone else like me and that he is in love with me. My problem is that I am so stuck on what he did and how I became disposable to him, that I'm really having a hard time moving past those 5 weeks where the person I was married to slipped away. I apologize for the length, just wanted to provide the background. I appreciate anything anyone has for me!


Me: BS 29
Him: WH 29
A: 4 weeks lead-up to 2 times of PA followed by 5 weeks of dumbassness where she magically morphed into my replacement
DDay #1 Aug 3, 2009 (TT through Oct)
DDay #2 Sept 16, 2009
DDay #3 Oct 1, 2009
S'ing

Posts: 322 | Registered: Oct 2009
cantbreathe09
♂ Member
Member # 24600
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, October 30th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to all that has to go through this. I was deployed only come back to a WW. She is living at home, I've been through 2 falseR's, and she is still seeing and in contact with OM. She says that our marriage is important to her that is why she hasn't left and has agreed to IC(I'll believe it when I see it) cause she says something inside of her went wrong...but she is still having an A and says it's hard to get out of it. I'm stationed in Abilene,Tx. and was wondering if any of you are stationed there as well. If so, do anyone know of any support groups in the area. I come to this site on a regular basis, but seeing and know others that share our pain is what I would also like to do. Plus, know others who found the strength to just walk away. I'm even trying to take my family away from here, but getting orders is a crap shoot, and if I do get orders they will be months or a year out. Which is giving her more time to go deeper into the fog, and she says she wants to get away from here as well, so that there will be no chance of her ever seeing him or talking, in person at least. I wish there was a military clause for this, to get orders ASAP!

[This message edited by cantbreathe09 at 1:47 PM, October 30th (Friday)]


Cry now...smile later.

Posts: 66 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Holloman AFB, NM
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