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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Military Deployment/Affairs
eahurtsalot
♀ New Member
Member # 25427
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, September 4th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was referred from another forum. We have been married almost 14 years, and we have been best friends since we met. We have an incredibly good marriage, with few arguments. Always truth, always honesty. We would prefer to be with one another than with anyone else; I was married to a cheater before, and know what it’s like. My husband is in the Army Reserve. He’s done one tour in Iraq, and has spent 5 months already this year away from our family at training. He’s heading back to Iraq again very soon. While hundreds of miles away this summer at training, he connected with an old girlfriend (like 20 years ago) online. It turned into chatting online, frequent emails, then lots of phone calls. Then, when he was home for a precious weekend visit, he had “coffee” with her on his road trip back to the base. I found out because the OW sent him emails about it, and I intercepted them. He lied vehemently, then finally fessed up. He swears there was no sex (this all happened in about 3 weeks time; she lives further away from him than I do), but admits an EA, doesn’t love her, doesn’t want to be with her, they were “just friends”, and is begging me for forgiveness. Can’t explain why he did it. He is devastated right now, cries on the phone a lot. I am numb. He is coming home tonight for a long weekend, and I can’t even begin to think about what to say to him. I know this may seem trivial to what some others have gone through, but I feel like he killed our marriage. I feel betrayed. Don’t trust him. Hoping there are no more lies to be found out. Want to lock him out when he gets home tonight…

Posts: 3 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Minnesota
txgrl
♀ New Member
Member # 23525
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, September 7th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh eahurtsalot! I hope this weekend went well with your husband. The biggest advice I have is to make sure you solve this problem before you move on. It is difficult when the WS is not physically home. You don't want this to define your relastionship when you spend time together but you have to work on the problem, heal and forgive. I would suggest visiting the healing library. It was a great source for me at the beginning. My biggest mistake was not make my H accountable for his actions from the first signs of the A. Most A start as EA. I'm thinking of you!

Posts: 6 | Registered: Apr 2009
msmaxxis
♀ New Member
Member # 25521
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, September 13th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm completely new to this site and don't know the jargon - so forgive me. My husband is in the military as well. We've been married 7 years and are now on the second affair (and fourth girl). Although I have no evidence of any physical affair - all of them have been cyber or text related. Lots of nasty little pictures and lots of "sexting" as they seem to call it. He's gone all the time which of course makes the trust issue at ground zero. I'm beside myself, but I know I have to make some type of change for me and my little one's sake. I'm so glad to see this site - the military spouses need lots of help in this area as it seems to appear that many of us are really getting the shaft when it comes to being married to soemone in the military. I know there have to be many that are faithful (like my military dad has been to my mom for 40 years) but geez....this is so hard to deal with! By the way - did I mention that he is deployed to another country while meanwhile I just found out about the second affair?

Posts: 2 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: wv
disbeliefat19
♀ New Member
Member # 25313
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, September 14th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes, life just shits on you and somehow you get cleaned up. My "devoted" husband of 18+ years returned in July from a 15 month deployment, and in Aug. I checked the cell phone bills and there was one number on there...over 2500 times. He tried to tell me it was a Jr enlisted guy he was helping out (H is an officer) and then HAD to admit that it was "a girl". A girl indeed...he is 42, she is 21 and single, was enlisted at the time, and has since been kicked out! He confessed, there were many tears on both parts and we decided that what we had was worth saving. Part 2 came 2 weeks later after reading posts on here about "total transparency". I called him at work and asked for his email password, and after trying to lie, he finally gave it to me. He'd been continuing on with her...asking for photos (none of her face!), asking her if she was ready to be an officer's wife, calling her Mrs. ****, and having lots and lots of sex talk. Through that email, I found ANOTHER email addy that he'd set up just for her. When I called for that password, he sounded so defeated, but he gave it to me and I got the whole, ugly truth---as it was from the emails. Asking him was like pulling teeth. Yesterday I found out a little more about her, and he finally came clean and answered EVERY question I had.
I love himn...Oh God, I love him, and I want to stay married. I just don't know how to get past thinking about him with someone who is only a little over 4 years older than our oldest daughter. This website is a Godsend to me, but I think he secretly hates it....too damn bad.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: NC
kayz28
♀ New Member
Member # 24810
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, September 14th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I finally had the strength to confront the wife of the man I have had an affair with for the past 2 yrs. I felt she needed to know, since he is getting transferred to another base 1700 miles from here. She told me I'm not the first, which I didn't think I was. She was crushed and as the ex of a cheating husband, I felt her pain. I am still not ready to give up our affair.Strange as it sounds. I love him very much and he says he loves me. She told him she wants to stay with him. My thought is that she has never had to work a day in her life and doesn't want to start now. He says he owes it to her to give it another chance, and the move will make it or break it. I have made a decision to move back to my home town 300 miles from here and try to start over. It has been very painful for eveyone. Would I do it again...? with him? probably.

Posts: 8 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Omaha NE
disbeliefat19
♀ New Member
Member # 25313
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, September 15th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

KayZ28: I have been married for 18 years to my active duty military spouse. I have not worked while we are married because he and I both decided that I would stay home and take care of the children since his deployments were so plentiful--I was the constant in their lives and I kept our home working. I'm sure his girlfriend has had the same thought about me not "wanting to work a day in my life". I got out of the military to have his child and live with him (We'd been married 5 months) and the plan has always been when we got financially and geographically stable, then I would get my degree and take over the "worker" position while he retired and moved onto his "2nd career". As a wife who loves her husband dearly--even though he has cheated--I would ask you to rethink your position on this. If you don't know her---KNOW her--then I don't believe you can make those judgements. He has told you what he knew you wanted to hear...like every other WS--"we're separated", "she's crazy", "she's lazy", and so on and so on. I don't consider myself "lazy" because I haven't worked. I have worked my ass off building a home and a family and stability, and while I would like to have worked, I knew what was more important to us. Just my 2 cents.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: NC
8yearsflushed
♀ Member
Member # 25401
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, September 15th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kayz28 - as an ex of a cheating spouse I would think you would be able to identify with the BW of your Affair partner and have more empathy - I would think you would also recognize the fog that your Affair partner is in and realize the fantasy of your situation. How could you be in love with someone who cannot give his heart freely to you and would you really want to build a life with a cheater? Wouldn't you always wonder if he was cheating on you too? Please do not judge your Affair partner's spouse if you do not know her. Have some respect for yourself, move on and maybe you will find a real love based on honesty and mutual respect. Don't sell yourself short and settle for some other woman's husband. Be kinder to yourself than that.

Disbelief - welcome to the club that you never wanted to join! I am sitting in a similar situation to you - Dday 8/6/09 with a LTA of almost 8 years. WH is an officer and we have been married 18 years - together 22. I have followed him around his whole Active Duty career. I have a couple of Bacherlor's degrees and worked until we had kids. We decided together that it would be best if I stayed home to be with them, especially with the ops tempo, frequent moves and all of his deployments. LTA with his 5 year younger, white trash, hoochie mama, party girl started as an emotional affair for 9 months, turned physical and lasted until dday - although they were geographically separated for the last 6 years. Thankfully they have only been physical about 15-20 times - not a consolation prize, but better than it could have been for an 8 year period. This is all very new to me too. I vacillate from being super pissed off - wanting to put his balls in a vise and squeeze really hard, to incredibly hurt - wanting to roll up into fetal position and crawl in a hole and cry, to really scared - because I still love him and do not want to take the kids and leave him. It is so very confusing. Keep it up though, don't let him off the hook, read the material in the healing library, try the 180, take care of yourself and your kids, and go see your jag & maybe a civilian attorney to make sure you have your shit together if this doesn't work out. You are all ready entitled to part of his pension if you divorce and they can give some more information on your entitlements. My dumbass WH came out of the fog the moment of discovery, but I still did all of these things. We are going through all types of counseling now, but I am still making sure I am covered in case this process of R goes South. Good luck to you. Post often. I am here, if you need to bounce anything off of.


BS-Me 42
WH-Him 41
2 kids - 10 and 12
OW -engaged during whole affair
Married 18 years
Together 22 years
LTA - almost 8 years
DDay - 8/6/09

Posts: 74 | Registered: Sep 2009
whichpath
♀ Member
Member # 18674
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, September 16th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kayz28: Your language reveals the fog you are in. You did not need “strength” to “confront” a BW, as an OW whose AP is about to physically separate from her, it was an act of sheer desperation. Do not fool yourself into thinking you have the upper hand due to your revelation. Any BW will fight to the death to save her family and your case, you have a tough-as-nails military wife who knows a thing or two about survival. She knows about working too; contrary to your belief that she has “never had to work a day in her life,” she regularly puts in two working days to your one, and has more roles, obligations, duties, commitments, responsibilities, stresses, uncertainties, and fears that she tackles in one hour than a civilian tackles in a month. And she does this all while accepting scraps of a lousy military pay belonging to someone else. Not only could she start working now, she would shine.


Would I do it again...? with him? probably.

Below is taken from the Guidelines of Surviving Infidelity:

WS or OP's that are remorseful and committed back to their relationship are welcome to post and find guidance and support while repairing the damage they've caused. OP's who sincerely want to end their EMA's are welcome as long as they follow our guidelines of posting with respect towards others. SurvivingInfidelity.com is a peaceful, constructive and devoted site with offering our support towards others during such a torturous time in their lives.


Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2008
lovedance
♀ Member
Member # 25294
Default  Posted: 11:51 PM, September 20th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does anyone know if phone bills with OW's phone number on it multiple times a day is enough to bring to their command? She is also part of his unit (She's not AD but in the Nrotc with him.) The command is already suspicious due to my telling them months ago, but have had no real proof. Would it have to be "ILY" emails?


Me-29
WH-31
OW-21
D-day #1 3/2/09
Separated off and on until 12/31/09 when A ended, WH moved home and NC started
Trying to R...I can tell he is starting to "get it."
I left 2/10 and he filed for D 6/10. Only a few more days until it is

Posts: 158 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: CA
nvywif
♀ New Member
Member # 25590
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, September 21st (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i am new here so bear with me... hubby was on a 6 moonth deployment(he is an E-7 in submarines-18yrs service-married 10ys)but was sent home 3months in for an infraction(lost of trust), that was july 11. on aug 30 he tells me his life is a "lie"-his marriage, his love for me, our kids (17months & 7). i just found out that he has been chasing women and that he is going to captain's mast which he thinks i do not know. he has filed for divorce again(he did this in march 07 due to my drinking but i have been sober since, we reconcilled 2 months after that). he refuses to get help-for himself or the marriage- i am devasted! i did not see this coming- i do have a lawyer, but should i wait for him to get through his "mid-life" crisis or get on with a new life with the kids?


GOD grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Posts: 30 | Registered: Sep 2009
ducttapeheart
♀ Member
Member # 22573
Default  Posted: 6:29 AM, September 22nd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lovedance,
I don't know if that is enough to prove an affair but I bet it is enough to totally piss off an already supiscious Command and your husband and the OW would get called in and told to knock it off, with a stern explanation of what would happen if they don't.

Nvywif,
I am so sorry, you need to check out the healing library and the just found out forum it did me a bit of good when I joined. Please take care of your self.


Posts: 75 | Registered: Jan 2009
nvywif
♀ New Member
Member # 25590
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, September 22nd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks duct... my only question is how do you do the 180 when i did that before (and we reconciled) but this time he knows the moves/ploy? should i keep doing it cause it does help me-i have moregood days than bad...


GOD grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Posts: 30 | Registered: Sep 2009
lovedance
♀ Member
Member # 25294
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, September 22nd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks. I do have more proof now. I have an old email and an eye witness. I just don't know the pros and cons to doing it. What would cause any of you to out WH? He sould get kicked out of this commissioning program and so would she (it is big time fraternization as she is much younger and not AD yet.) I am planning on talking to command first about his actions and words towards me and leaving the affair evidence as a last resort. I'll be talking to my IC today about it.


Me-29
WH-31
OW-21
D-day #1 3/2/09
Separated off and on until 12/31/09 when A ended, WH moved home and NC started
Trying to R...I can tell he is starting to "get it."
I left 2/10 and he filed for D 6/10. Only a few more days until it is

Posts: 158 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: CA
whichpath
♀ Member
Member # 18674
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, September 22nd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When revealing affairs to the command, be sure to know what you want achieve by it. If you want the affair to end, the CO can be your ally by helping to ensure that happens and that steps are made to strengthen the marriage. In this instance, telling can be a good thing. However, if the AP's continue the affair, then it can get dicey as that is when the professional reprecussions can happen. This is when marital reprecussions should happen anyway though.

If your intention is to get back at him, then yes you will have that effect on him, but you will also have an effect on you. If you were hoping to save the marriage, he will sense your revenge and resent it seriously harming R if that is your desire. If you intend to D anyways, it could hurt you financially in terms of spousal support or retirement benefits should he be kicked out.

According to your profile, you have already decided to D. In that case, you should focus on yourself, your children, and moving forward with your life. The real loss for him (although he doesn't know it yet) is the loss of you and his family. The career ramifications are just secondary.


Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2008
lovedance
♀ Member
Member # 25294
Default  Posted: 12:29 AM, September 23rd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I definately would still want to work on the marriage and have the A stop. That is my second goal. My first is to Make them aware of the awful things he is saying and the way he has stopped caring about his children (he has also said some things about the kids that make me think some thing is really wrong with him.) Financially, I don't care because I know that things will work out in that sense. I can get a job, I have a ton of support and we would make it find on less income. Our entire marriage revolved around the marine corps. It is his life. I don't WANT to RUIN it, but I feel that he already made he decision to do that. He's been in for 11 years. He knows the consequences of his actions and he is eating cake by not going fwd with a D. If they could just get him in IC for our kids' sake (read my post on wanting custody of only one child) and for his complete change (he has given up EVERYTHING that means anything to him besides USMC in the past year). I would prefer not to out the A, but if that is the only way for him to hit rock bottom and shape up, I feel he has already done it to himself. 2x4 if needed, but my marriage and his relationship with our kids is more important to me than the Corps. As for ruining any R, he says he hates me and we don't talk besides the kids since he wants to run from his actions and not deal with them. What kind of officer will that be if he has to help a younger marine figure out how to get help for his marriage while he is continuing to dishonor the marine corps' values and doesn't care when confronted with it? I think he's doing this all with ease and no worries because he thinks I am too nice to do anything about it. Sorry this turned into a vent.


Me-29
WH-31
OW-21
D-day #1 3/2/09
Separated off and on until 12/31/09 when A ended, WH moved home and NC started
Trying to R...I can tell he is starting to "get it."
I left 2/10 and he filed for D 6/10. Only a few more days until it is

Posts: 158 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: CA
ducttapeheart
♀ Member
Member # 22573
Default  Posted: 6:38 AM, September 23rd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lovedance,
I couldn't have said it any better then Whichpath!

[This message edited by ducttapeheart at 6:38 AM, September 23rd (Wednesday)]


Posts: 75 | Registered: Jan 2009
whichpath
♀ Member
Member # 18674
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, September 24th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LoveDance,
I think you have a good head on your shoulders regarding this situation and can trust your instinct. You do have a difficult decision to make as really a 180 is what is called for and outing him to the command is one tool that can be effective with that. However, now that I think of it, since he is in a commissioning program, which is very competitive, proof of an affair may swiftly end his career. I wonder if just you filing for divorce can get him out of the fog AND get you the assistance you need from the command WITHOUT professional effects. In my remote location, S/D is taken very seriously and counseling is mandatory before the dissolution of a marriage. You could as a courtesy, let the CO know you have filed but would consider R if MC/IC was taken place. He can make it mandatory for your husband. You said they are already suspicious, so they'll know what you mean without you having to say it. If this is successful, let your WH know that the A must end or the marriage is over and proof of an A will be submitted. He is not to think that he has just bought more time with the OW by faking his way through mando MC.

Now about custody: what your WH may not know is if you were to divorce and he was to get custody (of one or both children) he will not be commissioned. Single custodial parents cannot be commissioned in the military. If he were to find himself in this situation on graduation/commissioning day, he will either have to pay back his tuition or owe a number of years as an enlisted. If it were to happen after commissioning, that is a different story. I know it sounds unlikely but it happened to an AF cadet I knew. So a bargaining chip for you and his crazy idea of getting one kid. Research this well if you are to use it, as recruiting/commissioning requirements change from year to year. BTW, I think this must be common amongst waywards as my WH thought that splitting the kids might be a good idea too. Must be how they rationalize things. Very foggy thinking.


What kind of officer will that be if he has to help a younger marine figure out how to get help for his marriage while he is continuing to dishonor the marine corps' values and doesn't care when confronted with it?
Not a very good one for sure. But my husband, who is a higher ranking officer, now counsels and mentors his JO's and enlisted first and foremost with regards to marriage and family. He has seen the effects the mil can have on a marriage and is eager to prevent it in others.

I wish you the best of luck. Bottom line is he has to end the A. You are entitled to any means by which you can do it. We cannot predict the outcome of revealing the A, but we can know that we did the best to save our marriage.


Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2008
lovedance
♀ Member
Member # 25294
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, September 24th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you SOSOSOSO much for your replies. I am going to sit and pray on this before I respond again :)


Me-29
WH-31
OW-21
D-day #1 3/2/09
Separated off and on until 12/31/09 when A ended, WH moved home and NC started
Trying to R...I can tell he is starting to "get it."
I left 2/10 and he filed for D 6/10. Only a few more days until it is

Posts: 158 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: CA
hurting2much
♀ Member
Member # 25643
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, September 25th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are both AD; learned about H's A this year. He told me that it was over, etc, found out he's still emailing OW. Out of curiosity, have you ever thought of taking the issue to JAG? At times, I feel like threatening my H with going to JAG, just to see the life go out of him, like he did with me, when I found out about the A


Divorced

Posts: 1101 | Registered: Sep 2009
alexanderl42
♀ Member
Member # 18947
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, September 25th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, if I may ask, hurting2much, if it is over why is your husband still emailing? Are they in the same place or different? Why steps have you done so far and can you give us alittle more background?

Posts: 529 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Tennessee
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