Disbelief - welcome to the club that you never wanted to join! I am sitting in a similar situation to you - Dday 8/6/09 with a LTA of almost 8 years. WH is an officer and we have been married 18 years - together 22. I have followed him around his whole Active Duty career. I have a couple of Bacherlor's degrees and worked until we had kids. We decided together that it would be best if I stayed home to be with them, especially with the ops tempo, frequent moves and all of his deployments. LTA with his 5 year younger, white trash, hoochie mama, party girl started as an emotional affair for 9 months, turned physical and lasted until dday - although they were geographically separated for the last 6 years. Thankfully they have only been physical about 15-20 times - not a consolation prize, but better than it could have been for an 8 year period. This is all very new to me too. I vacillate from being super pissed off - wanting to put his balls in a vise and squeeze really hard, to incredibly hurt - wanting to roll up into fetal position and crawl in a hole and cry, to really scared - because I still love him and do not want to take the kids and leave him. It is so very confusing. Keep it up though, don't let him off the hook, read the material in the healing library, try the 180, take care of yourself and your kids, and go see your jag & maybe a civilian attorney to make sure you have your shit together if this doesn't work out. You are all ready entitled to part of his pension if you divorce and they can give some more information on your entitlements. My dumbass WH came out of the fog the moment of discovery, but I still did all of these things. We are going through all types of counseling now, but I am still making sure I am covered in case this process of R goes South. Good luck to you. Post often. I am here, if you need to bounce anything off of.
Would I do it again...? with him? probably.
WS or OP's that are remorseful and committed back to their relationship are welcome to post and find guidance and support while repairing the damage they've caused. OP's who sincerely want to end their EMA's are welcome as long as they follow our guidelines of posting with respect towards others. SurvivingInfidelity.com is a peaceful, constructive and devoted site with offering our support towards others during such a torturous time in their lives.
I am so sorry, you need to check out the healing library and the just found out forum it did me a bit of good when I joined. Please take care of your self.
If your intention is to get back at him, then yes you will have that effect on him, but you will also have an effect on you. If you were hoping to save the marriage, he will sense your revenge and resent it seriously harming R if that is your desire. If you intend to D anyways, it could hurt you financially in terms of spousal support or retirement benefits should he be kicked out.
According to your profile, you have already decided to D. In that case, you should focus on yourself, your children, and moving forward with your life. The real loss for him (although he doesn't know it yet) is the loss of you and his family. The career ramifications are just secondary.
[This message edited by ducttapeheart at 6:38 AM, September 23rd (Wednesday)]
Now about custody: what your WH may not know is if you were to divorce and he was to get custody (of one or both children) he will not be commissioned. Single custodial parents cannot be commissioned in the military. If he were to find himself in this situation on graduation/commissioning day, he will either have to pay back his tuition or owe a number of years as an enlisted. If it were to happen after commissioning, that is a different story. I know it sounds unlikely but it happened to an AF cadet I knew. So a bargaining chip for you and his crazy idea of getting one kid. Research this well if you are to use it, as recruiting/commissioning requirements change from year to year. BTW, I think this must be common amongst waywards as my WH thought that splitting the kids might be a good idea too. Must be how they rationalize things. Very foggy thinking.
What kind of officer will that be if he has to help a younger marine figure out how to get help for his marriage while he is continuing to dishonor the marine corps' values and doesn't care when confronted with it?
I wish you the best of luck. Bottom line is he has to end the A. You are entitled to any means by which you can do it. We cannot predict the outcome of revealing the A, but we can know that we did the best to save our marriage.