The application for former spouse payments from retired pay is dd2293.
It can be downloaded from:
This isn't helpful for active duty spouses, but for those who did their time (particularly the 20/20/20) it's the required form, as far as I know.
Also every retired spouse ought to keep a copy of the DD Form 214, Discharge Papers and Separation Documents. That is important even for un-separated couples; it should be with a certified copy of your marriage license, birth certificate, social security card, passport, insurance policies and all those other important documents that we somehow end up scurrying to find in emergencies.
I think it is a good idea for couples to sit down and discuss the probability of temptation to seek solace, comfort and/or release while they are apart due to deployment or TDA. It never occurred to me, since I thought that situation only happened in my nightmares... since I believed that my spouse would remain faithful, forsaking all others.
So. If possible... let your peers know they ought to discuss this stuff with their spouses BEFORE it happens. MAYBE it will help prevent "occasions of sin".
[This message edited by txgrl at 2:30 PM, July 25th (Saturday)]
The best part about writing it all down is that you have right in front of you what it is that you want to ask or say, I found it best myself to go into the subject at hand prepared.
I would also give him a day or two when he comes home to enjoy being back and enjoy time with the kids, then it will be time for the both of you. I hope this helps and best to you and your family.
Anyone found this to be true? My WH came back from deployment withdrawn, unable to reconnect with me and the kids, needing alone time, having new interests, changed goals, new personal style/hygiene. This all matched up with the pamphlet I picked up at family services regarding what to expect when service member comes home. Give them time, it said. Don't push, encourage their new interests. I bought into it and only encouraged him furthur into the affair.
I wonder how many mil-spouses think they are dealing with deployment issues but are really dealing with an unknown affair. I wonder how many mil-therapists think they are dealing with deployment issues when they are really dealing with an affair.
Your situation is different than mine but I wonder if the 180 is in order here. This is such a common scenario (sadly), affair while on deployment and BS back home finds out. What to do while waiting for them to return? Use the 180 to get/stay strong and prepare for the work when he gets home.
Maybe others who have been in this situation can chime in, particularly WSs who can help BSs who want to R figure out the best steps to take.
I would recommend some sort of modified 180 for those deployed. Because of our physical distance and limited communication as is, following the 180 100% may be too much. It may hurt to hear this but I don't think that much R can be done while on deployment, especially with the OP there with them. Not saying that he can't go NC with her, but R with you will probably be delayed until he returns. This is where the 180 comes in with you. You are gathering your resources so you can deal with it positively when he gets home.
Again, I didn't have a deployed WS and really only did the 180 for a short time (it worked quickly for me!), so I'm not experienced exactly in your situation. But given that deployment is always a real possibility for us, it is what I would do if it came up.
If you post in Just Found Out or Reconciling, you may get more details of the 180.
See my above post to BAFW. So many newbies post here wondering what to do when their WS is deployed and d-day occurs. It breaks my heart to log on and see another one. Do we have a consensus on what to do in this case? Regardless of whether the WS is remorseful, NC, foggy, on the fence, whatever, we are dealing with a unique set of circumstances: the environment that waywards are in, the limited communication, and inability to meet face to face for some time. As I suggested above, I think some kind of modified 180 is in order. Anyone have any other ideas? Maybe we can get together a library article/FAQ regarding this topic since it seems to the FAQ of this forum. Feel free to PM me with tips that worked for you and I can put them all together.
He found out about a month and a half ago that he will deploy to Afghanistan in 2010 and it has sent him even closer to the deep end. He kept it from me until two day ago. I believe this is what made him separate from me.
He will NOT go to any counseling.
[This message edited by lovedance at 7:17 PM, August 26th (Wednesday)]
Did I mention how I hate deployments? Another reason is that it leaves the spouses at home vulnerable as well. You may all hate me for what I'm about to reveal, but I also had an A during FWH's deployment. In fact, after he denied his A after I confronted him, I used that as an excuse/justification to have begin my A.
I know this may not be helping anyone. I just wanted to get it out. Maybe it will help shed some light on the danger of deployments for both partners in the marriage.