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Newest Member: Hurtlostempty (45065)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Military Deployment/Affairs
invictus
♀ Member
Member # 21623
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, June 29th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Indeed, my Ex's first indiscretion (as far as I know) occurred on a temporary duty assignment. Who knew a license to break wedding vows, (whether in a drunken stupor or not) was issued at the same time as "TDA" orders? Of course they weren't... but "everybody does it". NOT.

The application for former spouse payments from retired pay is dd2293.

It can be downloaded from:

http://www.dtic.mil/whs/directives/infomgt/forms/eforms/dd2293.pdf

This isn't helpful for active duty spouses, but for those who did their time (particularly the 20/20/20) it's the required form, as far as I know.

Also every retired spouse ought to keep a copy of the DD Form 214, Discharge Papers and Separation Documents. That is important even for un-separated couples; it should be with a certified copy of your marriage license, birth certificate, social security card, passport, insurance policies and all those other important documents that we somehow end up scurrying to find in emergencies.

I think it is a good idea for couples to sit down and discuss the probability of temptation to seek solace, comfort and/or release while they are apart due to deployment or TDA. It never occurred to me, since I thought that situation only happened in my nightmares... since I believed that my spouse would remain faithful, forsaking all others.

So. If possible... let your peers know they ought to discuss this stuff with their spouses BEFORE it happens. MAYBE it will help prevent "occasions of sin".

(sigh)


♥ One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. ~Steven Deitz

Posts: 1863 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Texas
CryingGreenEyes
♀ Member
Member # 24753
Angry  Posted: 4:05 PM, July 9th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H is military and has had several affairs. Deployed twice, no PA's during deployment but inappropriate conversations which lead to the A's after he returned. Just opened Pandora's box on March 31st and I'm shocked at how much I'm finding out about him. We started counselling last Monday and are trying to work through this. The last affair ended up with us being stalked and being granted a no contact/restraining order (which the HW violated) so now I have to go to court! Yay me! Each time the stakes get higher, he found a real head case with the most recent one. I do believe she managed to scare the shit out of him so he's thinking now about whether it's worth it, but he still hasn't come completely clean, I've found more crap! He needs to own up to all the shit he's done before we can really heal!!! I'm just hoping I have enough strength to get through these rings of Hell I find myself in! Hugs to all of you struggling as well!


"The truth shall set you free... but first it's really gonna piss you off!"
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house you can never tell."

Posts: 1572 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: United States
txgrl
♀ New Member
Member # 23525
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, July 25th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband is currently deployed. I cannot stop thinking about his A or the Ow! D-Day was over 3 years ago and that officially ended their communication with each other. Her and her husband PCS'd right before I discovered the A. It wasn't until this spring that I learned to true extent of the A from my husband. He came completely clean. Good and bad... Now I can't stop thinking about it! We are on the road to R but I can't stop from back sliding. No one in our family or network of friends is aware of the A. They all think we have a perfect marriage. My H is having a horrible time being deployed from our family. Is it fair to him that I keep beating him up with my horrible thoughts? He is sorry and I can see it but it isn't helping me. I'm still pretty angry! Any suggestions on what I can do to stop thinking about this? My kids keep me super busy but the thoughts are always eating me inside.
Thanks!

[This message edited by txgrl at 2:30 PM, July 25th (Saturday)]


Posts: 6 | Registered: Apr 2009
cantbreathe09
♂ Member
Member # 24600
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, July 25th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

txgrl- What I found best is to take all your thoughts... being fear, anxiety, depression, and most of all anger and write it down. I'm a BH, who is active duty and I and most of us know what it's like being deployed. I'm sure what is killing him inside is that he fears that you may have an A of your own from this knowledge, and it's a lot of stress for the both of you. If he is truly remorseful and you want your marriage to work, ensure him that you will be there for him as he must say he'll be with and come back to only you. I'm sure you have let him know of the emotions you are going through, and tell him that you will let it all out on paper and you two will read it together. Better to have him come home knowing that you are there for him and for you to be waiting knowing that he'll agree to sit down with you and to tell you what it is you need to know.

The best part about writing it all down is that you have right in front of you what it is that you want to ask or say, I found it best myself to go into the subject at hand prepared.

I would also give him a day or two when he comes home to enjoy being back and enjoy time with the kids, then it will be time for the both of you. I hope this helps and best to you and your family.


Cry now...smile later.

Posts: 66 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Holloman AFB, NM
whichpath
♀ Member
Member # 18674
Default  Posted: 12:35 AM, July 27th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Post Deployment behaviors= affair behaviors

Anyone found this to be true? My WH came back from deployment withdrawn, unable to reconnect with me and the kids, needing alone time, having new interests, changed goals, new personal style/hygiene. This all matched up with the pamphlet I picked up at family services regarding what to expect when service member comes home. Give them time, it said. Don't push, encourage their new interests. I bought into it and only encouraged him furthur into the affair.

I wonder how many mil-spouses think they are dealing with deployment issues but are really dealing with an unknown affair. I wonder how many mil-therapists think they are dealing with deployment issues when they are really dealing with an affair.


Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2008
betrayed73
♀ New Member
Member # 24974
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, July 28th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HELP!!!!! PLEASE! okay military family i need some help...
my wh started almost completly ignoring me before he even deployed (me and the kids went to my home states right before he was supposed to leave although he was in the states another 2 months..) anyway for 3-4 days straight he would have NOTHING to do with me then he would call one day and then nothing again. i noticed a new number on our cell account...he was calling and txt this number constantly (even middle of night) all the while i would call and txt and get no response. i finally called the number and of course it was a female. she said they were just friends but he was actually standing right there WITH her when i called! She handed him the phone. Anyway...she swore to me that he was an old high school friend and just seemed anxious about the deployment so she was just trying to "listen." After talking to her she said she could understand how i was feeling and she would not respond to any more of his calls...and she didnt...but he was furious. THEN.... right before he finally got on a plane he was acting even worse...on Mothers Day i got a call from him..it wasnt a Happy MD wish..he called to say he wanted a divorce. He just said he wasnt happy. The VERY NEXT day i found over 100 emails to a completly different girl he had been talking two for two weeks. (She was married too.) These emails actually had detailed plans where they were planning to live together when he got back. He told her he loved her and wanted only her...SO, i filed for the D AND let her H know what was going on. Of course she decided she wanted her H at that point and not mine. My H acted devasted because she didnt want him and had the nerve to talk about it to me!!! FAst forward to now...my H wants to work things out and stop the divorce. I asked what he is willing to do to help me gain trust in him. Asked him if he would give me ALL passwords to emails and such right then (then not later so he could delete anything.) He refused with imho says a TON. The next day he was suddenly willing to give the passwords to me though. Now im thinking of course, by then he has erased everything.
If i try to talk about my hurt feelings about all this he gets mad and says im just running him down and i just need to get over it already because he apologized. He is rude even when he says he is sorry.
So my questions is this....Does he sound like somebody who is really sorry and want do this again?? I dont think so but im so emotionally distraught at this point i feel like i cant trust my own decisions. I want my marriage but EVERYTHING in my gut says get out now. Also, he has leave coming up..he wants to come stay with me (as husband and wife.) I am NOT ready for anything sexual with him but thats what he wants and says he want come here to see the kids unless hits going to be like that.
Guidance and opinions, PLEASE!!!


BS-me-35
WH-him-36
1yr old daughter together
D or R?? started the D but still on the fence.
Miserable DAILY

Posts: 23 | Registered: Jul 2009
angryandconfused
♀ Member
Member # 21601
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, August 7th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Betrayed73, I am really sorry, but you asked and I have to say NOOO! He doesn't sound like he's truly sorry, he sounds like he just wants life to be back to normal since he couldn't get anywhere with the other women. The fact that he just want's you to "get over it" and doesn't show any empathy for what he's put you through, I don't think he's at the point where he's ready to change. My guess would be that things would only be "okay" if you agreed to never talk about it and swallow your own pain and that when he got bored (or whatever caused him to do this, I'm sure it's probably more complicated than boredom) he would probably do it again. Maybe the man you married is still in there, but the man who did this is too.


BS 39
FWH 41
D-day 2008 -trickle truth
Reconciling

Posts: 712 | Registered: Nov 2008
betrayedafwife
♀ New Member
Member # 25095
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, August 7th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi I am new to this group, and looking for someone who knows what I'm going through. My husband left for a deployment in May, and willbe back the end of September. I found out about 2 weeks ago that he was seeing someone he met while over there, from an email I found on his email account. I confronted him about it, (through the phone of course), and he said he loved me wasnt happy, and that she was a friend he made over there, and that it turned into something more. He said he would stop contact with her, and work on us. Then 5 days after that, I found another email, this time from him to her, written just ONE HOUR after talking to me that night, expressing his feelings towards her and how she made him feel, and that he had such a emotional conection to her. When I confronted him about that email, he said that yes, he was still talking to her, and he fell in love with her. He said he was confused, and didnt know what the right thing to do was. The day after that was our 8 year anniversary. I went for a couple of days in limbo, then got an email from him saying he had made decision, and that he wants me, and our marriage to work. He says it will take him time to get over the feelings he had for her, but really, how much time does he need? He's only knbown her for 2 months, and only was physical with her twice. Our conversations since then have been good, but in the back of my mind I am wondering if he is STILL lying to me. He changed his email password, which makes me think he still has something to hide. The only thing that keeps me sane, is the fact that he told his parents what he had done, knowing how disappointed they would be in him. I have talked to them, and they are on my side, and have written him numerous emails, encouraging him to do the right thing and give this girl up. I want nothing more than to have my husband back, and get through this, but I still have so many questions and fears. I am excited about him coming home, but I'm also scared, thinking that he will never find his love for me again. Any advice would help. I'm going crazy right now.


BS-Me
WS-Him
D-Day-7-28-09
8th Anniversary-8-3-09

Posts: 3 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Maryland
kayz28
♀ New Member
Member # 24810
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, August 8th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will probably get stopped again, but I have a question. If a spouse has an affair and they are a NC officer, won't there be repercussions from the military? Someone told me they can lose their rank, pay etc??

Posts: 8 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Omaha NE
angryandconfused
♀ Member
Member # 21601
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, August 9th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

kayz, I think it usually depends on the situation, the command, etc. Yes, in theory, breaking the UCMJ has a lot of repercussions, but there are plenty of folks who have done it and not been punished. If the affair is with another person in the military, and they are in the same chain of command, I think it's definitely worse, but it depends still on how far the military takes it, and that all depends on the atomosphere of the base or the command. I've known of a case where it was pretty clear that an officer was having an affair with someone in the same unit (not directly under, but enlisted and married) and that officer never got punished. The biggest issue the officer seemed to run into was that they were ordered not to have contact with the enlisted person and did anyway. They both denied the A, so it's hard to prove. The contact after being ordered not to isn't as hard to prove.


BS 39
FWH 41
D-day 2008 -trickle truth
Reconciling

Posts: 712 | Registered: Nov 2008
whichpath
♀ Member
Member # 18674
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, August 11th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

betrayedafwife,

Your situation is different than mine but I wonder if the 180 is in order here. This is such a common scenario (sadly), affair while on deployment and BS back home finds out. What to do while waiting for them to return? Use the 180 to get/stay strong and prepare for the work when he gets home.

Maybe others who have been in this situation can chime in, particularly WSs who can help BSs who want to R figure out the best steps to take.


Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2008
betrayedafwife
♀ New Member
Member # 25095
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, August 12th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a little new to this site nad the terminology, but what is the 180?


BS-Me
WS-Him
D-Day-7-28-09
8th Anniversary-8-3-09

Posts: 3 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Maryland
whichpath
♀ Member
Member # 18674
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, August 12th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In the "Library", under FAQ for BS, there is an article entitled "What is 180 and how does it work?". You can read about it there, and lots of other great stuff for you who has just found out. Basically the 180 is pulling back and taking a breather, getting yourself together so that you can take the necessary steps to R or S, depending on your desires. The article outlines dos and don'ts for the 180. The 180 is mainly used for the BS to stay strong but has the added benefit of making the BS look attractive to the WS. It is normally used when the WS is still on the fence, still in contact with OP. Although your husband is TELLING you he wants to R, I am suspect of him changing his passwords. He needs to be completely transparent now.

I would recommend some sort of modified 180 for those deployed. Because of our physical distance and limited communication as is, following the 180 100% may be too much. It may hurt to hear this but I don't think that much R can be done while on deployment, especially with the OP there with them. Not saying that he can't go NC with her, but R with you will probably be delayed until he returns. This is where the 180 comes in with you. You are gathering your resources so you can deal with it positively when he gets home.

Again, I didn't have a deployed WS and really only did the 180 for a short time (it worked quickly for me!), so I'm not experienced exactly in your situation. But given that deployment is always a real possibility for us, it is what I would do if it came up.

If you post in Just Found Out or Reconciling, you may get more details of the 180.


Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2008
whichpath
♀ Member
Member # 18674
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, August 12th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Doing the 180 on deployment

See my above post to BAFW. So many newbies post here wondering what to do when their WS is deployed and d-day occurs. It breaks my heart to log on and see another one. Do we have a consensus on what to do in this case? Regardless of whether the WS is remorseful, NC, foggy, on the fence, whatever, we are dealing with a unique set of circumstances: the environment that waywards are in, the limited communication, and inability to meet face to face for some time. As I suggested above, I think some kind of modified 180 is in order. Anyone have any other ideas? Maybe we can get together a library article/FAQ regarding this topic since it seems to the FAQ of this forum. Feel free to PM me with tips that worked for you and I can put them all together.


Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2008
pleasetellme
♂ Member
Member # 24740
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, August 13th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The 180 is close to impossible during deployment. at least it is a short one. IMHO I would ask for the new password and any other accounts he may have and also inform him that all internet activity is archived on a military base. That said it seems he should visit the chaplain and own up and ask the chaplain to contact his wife so she can be reassured that he is maintaining no contact. The biggest roadblock I see is that when they are deployed they see people die all the time and they feel what the heck why not. They share the language and the experience and we are left with email and crappy phone service. my heart goes out to you Betrayed!

Posts: 75 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Texas
eyesofblue
♀ New Member
Member # 25110
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, August 13th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I fit in here, too. WS had two A, one in AIT, the other in pre-deployment training. The 2nd resulted in OC. We reconciled, but then when he had to start making support payments, it all started to spiral downward. He had PTSD when he got back and suffered a mild traumatic brain injury, both of which make for wild mood swings and up the anger quotient quite a bit. Not fun to live with.....

He found out about a month and a half ago that he will deploy to Afghanistan in 2010 and it has sent him even closer to the deep end. He kept it from me until two day ago. I believe this is what made him separate from me.

He will NOT go to any counseling.


Me: 42 WS: 34 Married 12 yrs.
DD#1: August 2004 (AIT) reconciled
DD#2: June 2005 (Iraq deployment) reconciled October 2005, OC March 2006
DD#3: July 26, 2009, separated, don't know what will happen
Beautiful daughter, 8

Posts: 27 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Central IN
txgrl
♀ New Member
Member # 23525
Default  Posted: 1:45 AM, August 15th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, I really feel everyone's pain! I can respond a book to just about everyone's posts! I will try to summarise my responses. If your spouse is having an A with anyone in theater, you should report it to his commander. Include e-mails to/from the OP. That is a means to help the A from continuing and becoming more. It is risky and many people may disagree with me. My H is a commander (yes he did have an A and we are still in R) and the situation is taken pretty seriously in his area (I'm trying to be vague and not use specific phrases/names). If your S is serious about R they will own up to the A to his superiors and change. If your S is serious about R he won't be focused on being physical with you. They will be open with you emotionally and give you what you ask of them, i.e. passwords. They will also give specific snswers to questions you ask. Will those things make it easier, sometimes. I know all of my H passwords. It helps but I still have a lot of anger and it is magnified while he is deployed. I also know that my H could always open another e-mail account if he wished but based on his behavior/attitude he has changed his old ways. I do know that he could revert back anytime and I think that is where my anger comes from. I'm so thankful for this topic and I'm feeling everyone's pain here. It stinks to have a loved one deployed and even worse when an A has or is happening. Stay strong!

Posts: 6 | Registered: Apr 2009
inthepit
New Member
Member # 25190
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, August 17th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another BS here. Married to my soldier for 12 years. Just found out about an affair he had while on TDY an hour away from where we were living, basically a two week long f***fest with some skank he met online. He would go bang her during the week, then come home on weekends and bang me. I had no idea. 3rd deployment coming up in about 3 months. Both sad and not surprised that there are 32 pages in this thread.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Aug 2009
lovedance
♀ Member
Member # 25294
Revenge  Posted: 7:15 PM, August 26th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine didn't happen on deployment, but on a college campus. My WH is in a USMC commissioning program (with 11 yrs active duty right now.) He applyed for this so we would have better opportunities for our family and retirement. SO, 1st year was great, until baby was born and I was in ICU twice with my life on the line. Second year I had PPD, husband selfishly thought I didn't love him anymore because I was acting different after the baby and my hospital stays, and found someone else to talk to. He put himself in a fog before the A and is now wanting a D for a 20-year old who also wants to be a USMC officer. He has very poor coping mechanisms, a big ego due to being a marine and no compassion learned from being a sniper. The marine corps has always been put in front of our marriage, (he defines himself as a marine - not husband, father or son...not even a man by his behavior) now he's having an affir with a soon-to-be female marine (he always made fun of female marines and hated working with them.) Semper fi right?

[This message edited by lovedance at 7:17 PM, August 26th (Wednesday)]


Me-29
WH-31
OW-21
D-day #1 3/2/09
Separated off and on until 12/31/09 when A ended, WH moved home and NC started
Trying to R...I can tell he is starting to "get it."
I left 2/10 and he filed for D 6/10. Only a few more days until it is

Posts: 158 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: CA
whyus
♀ Member
Member # 14733
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, August 31st (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh! I hate deployments! My FWH had his A while on deployment. I knew, I just knew, because he sent me an email telling me how much he loved and missed me, dedicated a love song to me, etc. This was totally out of character. I now see he did this out of guilt. Anyway, when I received that email, I confronted him. I asked him directly if he'd cheated on me. He denied it. I wanted so badly to believe him that I did. I went into denial.

Did I mention how I hate deployments? Another reason is that it leaves the spouses at home vulnerable as well. You may all hate me for what I'm about to reveal, but I also had an A during FWH's deployment. In fact, after he denied his A after I confronted him, I used that as an excuse/justification to have begin my A.

I know this may not be helping anyone. I just wanted to get it out. Maybe it will help shed some light on the danger of deployments for both partners in the marriage.


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