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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Military Deployment/Affairs
sparklemotion
♀ Member
Member # 13289
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, October 1st (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hell, now I'm wondering if some of the people don't even know he's married!

It doesn't matter, so don't stress over it.

My WH has always been the "Look at these pics of my lovely wife and kids. I love them so much...blah blah blah..." type and it didn't stop OW from pursuing him or him pursuing her. In fact, the first time she approached him, he was sitting with a group of people discussing his family. He's always liked to portray himself as a "nice family man".

I don't think they even think twice about this stuff unless they see it as some type of leverage or a way to make themselves seem more desirable to the potential OW in question.

LadyVorkosigan mentioned in another thread once that her WH literally had nothing else better to do than to have an affair. I know all too well of those Halo tournaments. It must be great to have no general or moral responsiblilities while your wife is at home caring for your kids and counting the days until you come home to her...


A matter of complication
When you become a twist
For their latest drink
As they're transitioning

Posts: 1389 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Louisiana
Betrayedbookworm
♀ Member
Member # 16289
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, October 1st (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

her WH literally had nothing else better to do than to have an affair

I've been wondering about this. WH has seemed pretty bored with his job since before he deployed. And his options for entertainment/free time etc were and are certainly limited (couldn't go for bike rides, leave for the weekend, play hockey, etc etc).

Which makes me wonder if in that environment, it really comes down to food, water, and sex as entertainment.

I don't think I am being very clear with what I'm trying to say, and I DO NOT mean that this is an excuse for having an A.

But it's almost like they revert to caveman status and act on a very basic level.


Me - BS
Him - WS

Posts: 200 | Registered: Sep 2007
FindingHope
♀ Member
Member # 15761
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, October 1st (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Which makes me wonder if in that environment, it really comes down to food, water, and sex as entertainment.

I've been wondering about this too. Maybe the A provides a distraction from the daily challenges one faces in a combat zone? Something that they could look forward to - something that could give them immediate gratification?

Again - NOT excuses. Just trying to understand how my H got things so twisted that he was able to step outside of our M.

I think about the times my H called home and I was simply not able to give him the support he needed - I was stressed about things going on here, and stressed about things going on there. I'm sure those emotions conveyed over the phone conversations. He felt alone. Under normal circumstances (here without stuff blowing up arond him), he (and we) probably would have handled that differently. Or maybe that's just wishful thinking on my part.


Posts: 456 | Registered: Aug 2007
NeedSupport
♀ New Member
Member # 14290
Helpless  Posted: 1:37 PM, October 1st (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My EWH was deployed to Iraq and several months after he got home I learned about the A. He decided to leave his family (we have 2 children) in order to pursue this OW. This all happened very quickly ... once he admitted the A, the D was final within 6 months. If I'd been given the option of R, I don't know that I could have ever trusted him again. Especially with another deployment on the horizon. I've had lots of people say, "well, you don't know what his life was like over there." True ... all I know is what he told me. How can we try to offer the support they need if they decide to confide in OW instead of spouse???


Me (BS) 34
Him (WS) 35
Kids - 9 & 3
Divorced

Posts: 26 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Midwest
FindingHope
♀ Member
Member # 15761
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, October 1st (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How can we try to offer the support they need if they decide to confide in OW instead of spouse???

Exactly! Supporting my husband? My job! Comforting my husband? My job! I trusted my husband to reach out to me - when he really needed support, I truly believe it was his responsbility to say, "HEY, I NEED you right now." Instead, he cried on someone else's shoulder. And things progressed from there.

He took my role & responsibilities as his wife and GAVE them to someone else. That pisses me off.


Posts: 456 | Registered: Aug 2007
LMigs528
♀ Member
Member # 13536
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, October 1st (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How can we try to offer the support they need if they decide to confide in OW instead of spouse???
Exactly! Supporting my husband? My job! Comforting my husband? My job! I trusted my husband to reach out to me - when he really needed support, I truly believe it was his responsbility to say, "HEY, I NEED you right now." Instead, he cried on someone else's shoulder. And things progressed from there.

He took my role & responsibilities as his wife and GAVE them to someone else. That pisses me off.

Wow, you took the words straight out of my mouth!!

And I guess its a Lewis thing to cheat Thats where my FWH was when it happened.


Just so lost... I hope this road I choose to travel will help Me get found.

Posts: 939 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Long Island, NY
Piper317
♀ Member
Member # 15330
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, October 1st (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How can we try to offer the support they need if they decide to confide in OW instead of spouse???

Exactly! Supporting my husband? My job! Comforting my husband? My job! I trusted my husband to reach out to me - when he really needed support, I truly believe it was his responsbility to say, "HEY, I NEED you right now." Instead, he cried on someone else's shoulder. And things progressed from there.

He took my role & responsibilities as his wife and GAVE them to someone else. That pisses me off.


I totally could have written that!!!!! See my signature line!

I know it has been mentioned before, but, in many cases (like mine) the OW was enlisted too. So I cannot help but feel that no matter how supportive I was being, it was not godd enough or miltary enough. Does that make sesne? I still hate when I have to ask for some acronym definition bc it makes me think that she would understand it. That makes me so angry.

I have told FWH time and time again, if he was THAT down and out (and he was, bc his orders were a mess) than I owuld have been on the FIRST plane to him to be there. ANd what did he think I was doing? He'd been TDY from January til June and we had THREE deaths in th family plus our cat died and I was finishing grad school. He never stopped being selfish long enough to thinl that I was going through rough times too. (Sorry for the rant, he is back TDY and saw her today in a briefing so I am a little off kilter to say the least.))


Married 8 years, together 11
BS(me)-34 FWH-37 d-day 7/3/07
♥R!R!R!♥
Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.
Let your clarity define you.
"Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable." ~The Wizard

Posts: 1476 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New York
LMigs528
♀ Member
Member # 13536
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, October 1st (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He never stopped being selfish long enough to thinl that I was going through rough times too.

Yet another line I could have wrote. Its sad though because they are trained to worry about themselves only but aren't trained how to differentiate that from home life.. I think that is a BIG issue.


Just so lost... I hope this road I choose to travel will help Me get found.

Posts: 939 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Long Island, NY
Soldiersgirl
♀ Member
Member # 8188
Default  Posted: 12:30 AM, October 2nd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hell, now I'm wondering if some of the people don't even know he's married!

It wouldn't matter. As a matter of fact, that wedding ring, is practically a target for some of those women. It means that he's not one of those single joes who likes to go from girl to girl to girl. Now if they could just get him to forget that ring for a few minutes....

As for the "But she understaaaaands me" bs, it's exactly that. Bullshit. I was a soldier and I understood just as well as anyone.

So they have nothing to do sometimes. Plenty of soldiers find other shit to do, not other people. I will never allow my FWH to use his deployment as an excuse for his behavior. He chose to do it and where he was has nothing to do it. Civilians do it all the time, so obviously it's not just a deployment thing.

Sometimes I want to smack some of these jackasses and tell them that if they are brave enough to risk their lives for their country, the should be man enough to own their own shit.


You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. ~ Henny Youngman
No man was ever shot by his wife while doing the dishes. ~ Anon
It takes two to make a marriage a success and only one to make it a failure. ~ Herbert Samuel

Posts: 1375 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: Louisiana
Drowning
♀ Member
Member # 13057
Default  Posted: 5:52 AM, October 2nd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, it's as though some of you are literally taking the words right out of my mouth.

I think about the times my H called home and I was simply not able to give him the support he needed - I was stressed about things going on here, and stressed about things going on there. I'm sure those emotions conveyed over the phone conversations.

I'm also slightly guilty of this. Alot of the phone conversations we had were either about issues I was dealing with at home, or things dealing with our son at home, and not so much about what he was dealing with or what he was doing over there. However, with that being said, I also have to add, that he never really mentioned anything that was bothering him very much or never told me that he needed my support. No matter how bad my day had been if he had said those words to me "I need your support right now" I would have done just that. I am his wife, so sometimes I know things without him telling me, but I'm not a mind reader,so I don't know everything.

I've been wondering about this too. Maybe the A provides a distraction from the daily challenges one faces in a combat zone? Something that they could look forward to - something that could give them immediate gratification?

Part of me can understand this but then there's another big part of me that doesn't. I can understand the pressures of feeling "locked down" or not as carefree to do the things you want to do when you want to do them while you're deployed, and I can understand the stresses of not being around friends and family, but alot of things I don't understand. For instance, the stresses of deployment. Well, contrary to alot of people's beliefs, what goes on with alot of soldiers there isn't like a scene from a WWII or Vietnam war movie. Some soldiers sit at a desk all day and never even go behind the wire even once for their entire deployment. I think the level of stress during a deployment has alot to do with what your job is and the things you have to do and see because of it. And even though you are away from friends and family and nothing makes up for that, you are surrounded by others who are also away from friends and family- everyone's in the same situation so everyone tends to bond (some bond more than they should, obviously) I've never been deployed so I can't possibly know exactly what that is like, but my husband, who has been deployed, also can't possibly know what it's like to be left behind with a family and a household to take care of alone.
When he's deployed, it's a horrible situation for the BOTH of us. His situation isn't any easier than mine, and my situation isn't any worse than his, so there's no excuse for either of us to behave inappropraitely while the other isn't there with them.



D-Day: 10/16/2006
2007-RECONCILED
We're Happy, Content, In Love, and just had baby #2! CLOUD 9!

Posts: 718 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Cloud 9
Piper317
♀ Member
Member # 15330
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, October 3rd (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so glad that I am not the only civilian BS who felt like I couldn't "compete" with a military OP in the sense that fellow military "get" other military better. Does that make sense?

This is why I chose my new signature line.

Hope all is well with everyone in this thread. I cannot stress enough how grateful I am that I am not alone in this!!

It is time WE all took a moment and patted ourselves on our backs....why? Well, our spouses or significant others may be fighting for the freedom and honor of this country, but behind every airman/soldier/pilot/officer/etc. is the person who sacrafices just as much. That is US and THAT is honorable!

(((BIG HUGS TO ALL OF YOU)))

[This message edited by Piper317 at 7:45 PM, October 3rd (Wednesday)]


Married 8 years, together 11
BS(me)-34 FWH-37 d-day 7/3/07
♥R!R!R!♥
Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.
Let your clarity define you.
"Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable." ~The Wizard

Posts: 1476 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New York
Kuwaited
♂ Member
Member # 5491
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, October 3rd (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, our spouses or significant others may be fighting for the freedom and honor of this country

This means exactly nothing to me anymore...and usually when hear it I want to

Mine is a long convoluted story..but here's a small part of it:

When she was over in Kuwait "serving her country"...I got a phone call from there from a woman who told me I ought to know my wife was screwing around on me. I was so dumbfounded..rather than keep that to myself and look for clues to the truth of it...I told my then-wife about the call. Later that day..she emailed me with what I now know was a half assed story about why someone would make that sort of call. To my everlasting shame...I bought it.

Anyway...toward the end of the email, this is what she said:

"I am trying to do the honorable thing here by serving my time, but the folks in charge here are making that more and more difficult by not telling us exactly when we will be leaving this God-forsaken place."

The honorable thing?!?!?! What...screwing around with a fellow officer in the middle of a damned war???? All the while your husband is back home keeping the home and raising three young kids.

There is now absolutely no doubt that she was stretching out her tour over there because she had found her "soul mate".....at the expense of her family. She was over there for another 4 and 1/2 months.

Yeah...she was doing the honorable thing..serving her country. Sorry...duty to and sacrifice for country is obliterated in total by infidelity and betrayal of your family while doing it.

JMHO....

[This message edited by Kuwaited at 9:14 PM, October 3rd (Wednesday)]


"For every trip to the vet, there's a car ride.", Satchel Pooch.

"At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost." -- Tad...from Craig's List


Posts: 8481 | Registered: Oct 2004 | From: North Atlanta Burbs
armywife23
♀ Member
Member # 13848
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, October 3rd (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's great they made a thread for thoes of us dealing with extra special circumstances.

I haven't read through everyones responses, just saw this new forum.

My first D-Day was only a month from FWH's 2nd deployment. The 2nd d-day, with a different OW, was only about 3 months into the deployment.

I've truly been amazed by how much he has alowed me to look into his life. Granted he could be snowballing me once again and not changed at all. But I guess I can't live my life on the "what if's", I believe he is trying to gain my trust back. Well as well as you can when you are seperated so far apart.

Sometimes it kind of feels like we are in limbo, like can't really work on things, well to the extent that he's here and I have to deal with the triggers and seeing OW#1. But we've made it halfway only seven months left to go.

I'll have to go back and read what everyone else wrote. I'm glad that the mods created this.


FBW (me) - 33
FWH (him) - 34
Married - 10 Years
Three Kids, 8, 5, and 2
Reconciling, Doing well.

The greatest gift a father can give to his children is to love their mother.


Posts: 272 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Michigan
Soldiersgirl
♀ Member
Member # 8188
Default  Posted: 12:13 AM, October 4th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((kuwaited))

I despise Kuwait. It's a freaking breeding ground. At least Arifjan is. I'm sorry, but there just shouldn't be "club nights" when you are at war. I'm all for MWR doing what they can to provide entertainment, but that is taking it a couple steps too far.

I'm with you on the Kuwaited. Kind of hard to do the honorable thing when you have no honor left. I remember when FWH's was told he had no integrity. It was total BS ((the situation anyway)) and my FWH spouts off with "But I have unquestionable integrity. It even says so on my last NCOER" I didn't want to point ou tthat it was only because they had never asked me about his integrity. But then I guess it's okay to ditch integrity as long as no one knows and the only one you lie to is your wife.


You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. ~ Henny Youngman
No man was ever shot by his wife while doing the dishes. ~ Anon
It takes two to make a marriage a success and only one to make it a failure. ~ Herbert Samuel

Posts: 1375 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: Louisiana
Kuwaited
♂ Member
Member # 5491
Default  Posted: 6:25 AM, October 4th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I despise Kuwait

Damn...SoldiersGirl..at first read, I thought that was directed at me!!

I'm sorry, but there just shouldn't be "club nights" when you are at war.

....oh don't get me started!!


"For every trip to the vet, there's a car ride.", Satchel Pooch.

"At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost." -- Tad...from Craig's List


Posts: 8481 | Registered: Oct 2004 | From: North Atlanta Burbs
FindingHope
♀ Member
Member # 15761
Default  Posted: 6:29 AM, October 4th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh wow. I thought I was the only one.

I wrote a list of "things" my H gave me with his infidelity. This was one of them:

A feeling of shame as I fight the urge to roll my eyes at any news stories or commercials that involve our troops. Instead of feeling proud and supportive, I feel resentful, bitter, and angry.

After H returned from Afghanistan, one of the moms at the preschool came over, bent down to my son, and said, "Your daddy is a hero!" I didn't say anything, but I wanted to .


Posts: 456 | Registered: Aug 2007
Soldiersgirl
♀ Member
Member # 8188
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, October 4th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LOL...you ever feel the urge to correct them.

Her: Your daddy is a hero.
My thoughts: Close. The word you are looking for is Whore.

bahahaha.


You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. ~ Henny Youngman
No man was ever shot by his wife while doing the dishes. ~ Anon
It takes two to make a marriage a success and only one to make it a failure. ~ Herbert Samuel

Posts: 1375 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: Louisiana
FindingHope
♀ Member
Member # 15761
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, October 4th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Her: Your daddy is a hero.
My thoughts: Close. The word you are looking for is Whore.

Man, I wish I could think quick on my feet.


Posts: 456 | Registered: Aug 2007
NeedSupport
♀ New Member
Member # 14290
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, October 5th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel exactly the same ... when I hear about "supporting our troops" and "let's not forget all the sacrifices they make" I just want to
I find it really hard to feel patriotic anymore because of WXH.
I realize there are good, honest, military people but right now when I think of military I think of my situation and the things they get away with in the name of "honor" and "duty".


Me (BS) 34
Him (WS) 35
Kids - 9 & 3
Divorced

Posts: 26 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Midwest
LMigs528
♀ Member
Member # 13536
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, October 5th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LOL...you ever feel the urge to correct them.
Her: Your daddy is a hero.
My thoughts: Close. The word you are looking for is Whore.

bahahaha.

All the freaking time!!


Just so lost... I hope this road I choose to travel will help Me get found.

Posts: 939 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Long Island, NY
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