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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Military Deployment/Affairs
ragingalone
Member
Member # 17029
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, January 4th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am good.
Divorce paperwork was final Christmas Eve. Ex came out for court and to see the kids. However, he left 17 days earlier than planned... I don't think he will be back. He actually was cheating on OW with some other woman that he met online while he was here. But I don't feel sorry for OW because she knew what she was getting into when she got with the ex. Ironic how things just work out.
But with a new year comes new beginnings. I am starting to date one of my cousin's friends. So far, so good.


Together - 9/17/2002 Busted him EA - 9/17/2007 (5 years EXACTLY after we got together)
Reconciling and renewed vows - 2/2/2008
D-day#2- 8/12/08 (another EA & profile)Seperated
D-day#3- 10/01/08 PA with OW#1
Filed for Divorce- 11/21/08

Posts: 275 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: heartbreak hotel
Not_4Ever?
♀ Member
Member # 14837
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, January 10th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Can somebody recommend a good Laywer in Central Texas/
Killeen, Harker Heights
with good knowledge about
Military Divorce Law?
Especially retiremnt.
I think I post this also in *General*


The secret to happieness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory!


Posts: 313 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Texas
navywife111
♀ Member
Member # 22500
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, January 22nd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

30 page thread... I must not be alone.

STBXH has his first EA in A-school, with a buddy's wife. That relationship blew up before it got physical (so he said). A second EA a few months later with our next door neighbor, while her husband was deployed. These behavior patterns were extremely unusual; he'd never acted like this before the military, and I just kept trucking thinking we could change it together. Finally, PA with another sailor (command ho). I thought it was another EA, and tired of that plus his pathological lying, we separated. I explained why I could not do it anymore, and all the while he was nodding along while I talked, saying, yes, he understood how I felt about his third EA, but they were nothing more than friends and it had NEVER been physical. He would NEVER do that. Or even THINK about it.

Two months later, I find out he'd been banging his shipmate the whole time. EA, my ass! I'm glad the pattern is broken for good now. My divorce will be final any day now, and I'm looking forward to dating again (OUTSIDE the military!) While I probably would trade those two years if I could, to escape the pain I went through, I made amazing friends for life on base. Living back in my home state now... miss those friends like hell :(

[This message edited by navywife111 at 8:11 PM, January 22nd (Thursday)]


D-Day: November 7th, 2008
Divorced: June 3rd, 2009
Happier now that the hell is over.

Posts: 62 | Registered: Jan 2009
LMigs528
♀ Member
Member # 13536
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, January 24th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey All! How is everyone doing?? FWH and I are doing good.. He just deployed again so my emotions are in a tizzy. Unfortunetly in that short span between deployments we didnt accomplish alot of what I wanted so when he comes back, we still have a laundry list of things to do. Other than that, hes been pretty good. He has a lot of work to do with his attitude and temper, that will come in due time though. The antiversary wasn't that bad this year, I guess its true it does get better as time goes on. I cant believe its about 2 years now. Well, Ill be around a bunch more since I dont have much to do right now. I graduated in Dec and dont start my job for another few weeks. Hope yall are doing well!!


Just so lost... I hope this road I choose to travel will help Me get found.

Posts: 939 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Long Island, NY
HPrynne
♀ Member
Member # 18545
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, February 20th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Note -- I am the WW. Am I welcome here? If not, I apologize. If so, would appreciate any tips on my upcoming deployment. Here's what I posted on the Wayward Forum but thought perhaps this would be a better place?
Thank you for all you do keeping the home fires burning when your spouses are deployed. I know you don't always get the appreciation from the public that you more than deserve!
---
Our reconciliation has been going pretty well lately -- a few downs here and there but we seem to have improved communication enough to work through what's bothering us.

I've just been tasked for a year-long military deployment. One of my fears is that we're not strong enough to weather a year-long deployment. But then I think this might help us, might bring us closer. And it's this latter thought that helps me get through the days as we move closer to the day I leave for training.

Today my BH brought up some of his fears about this deployment. How will he know that what I'm telling him, through letters and phone calls, is the truth?

You see, I betrayed him two years ago during a deployment, physically, and then for seven months after I returned with the emotional A.

I wrote to him and called him and basically lied, withheld information from him on my previous deployment and after I returned home.

He said today that he has started trusting my daily actions -- when I go to the store, if I go out to lunch with a girlfriend, etc., but that this deployment is going to be so hard -- especially since some of the dates coincide with other previous anti-dates. Make sense?

I said perhaps this is God's way of giving us new ways of looking at these dates, i.e. instead of thinking on "such and such a date on that year, HP was doing *blank*" he will start to think, "On such a such a date, different year, she sent me a picture of herself and a nice poem" instead. Replacing bad memories of dates with good memories.

I know of so many ways I will do this deployment differently -- I just don't know how to help my BH think differently when he gets my letters, e-mails, phone calls.

Any ideas?


Me, FWW
Him, BH
Married: 17 years
DDay: Jan 2008
More TT: April 2008
Lie Detector test: July 2008
He said he forgives me: Feb 13, 2011
3 children (one of them during R -- what a blessing)

Posts: 220 | Registered: Mar 2008
letting_go
Member
Member # 13774
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, February 20th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HPrynne

My H left for a year + deployment within a few months of dday.

The ideas you have are good.

Keep in mind that even with the best of intentions everything you do will not be welcomed with open arms.

Tell him to focus on himself while you are gone and do the things he couldn't do while he was working.

Suggest putting a camcorder on your computer so he can see you. It has been done.

Let him know your fears for your M.

"I know of so many ways I will do this deployment differently." Tell him your game plan and who is going to be your accountability partner.

Call frequently and write even more. Send letters by snail mail and gifts just because.

Put a key logger on your personal computer or psp or whatever else you would use to communicate personally with anyone outside of the military email.

Keep in mind that ALL military emails are held in an archive. The only information someone would need to retrieve the information is a military email address with a time frame.

Make sure your H has access to your email addresses.

Constantly let him know that he is on your mind.

[This message edited by letting_go at 5:01 PM, February 20th (Friday)]


"To change and to improve are two different things."
Anonymous. German proverb.

"It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men." Frederick Douglass (1818-1895)


Posts: 3705 | Registered: Feb 2007
HPrynne
♀ Member
Member # 18545
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, February 20th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Letting Go,
Thank you so much for replying to my post. I will do everything you suggested and more.

I am deploying individually so any accountability partner I choose would be someone unknown to my H, creating a suspicious situation all around.

One thing that will help is that I will have roommates this time around -- from what I hear, at least seven. Last time, I unfortunately had my own space -- I hope this time all my female roommates will help give him some piece of mind.

I will work on finding an accountability partner, one that my husband can trust.

Thank you again for all your help!


Me, FWW
Him, BH
Married: 17 years
DDay: Jan 2008
More TT: April 2008
Lie Detector test: July 2008
He said he forgives me: Feb 13, 2011
3 children (one of them during R -- what a blessing)

Posts: 220 | Registered: Mar 2008
ducttapeheart
♀ Member
Member # 22573
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, February 26th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

March 11 it will be a year since I found out about my husband affair while on deployment in 2007. The OW husband called and told me I was totally blindsided. We are working it out and still hurt by what he did..what the OW husband did has hurt me so much more..he purposely wanted to hurt me. I am dreading the anniversary of his call, has this happened to anyone do you have any suggestions on how to handle the day? My spouse thinks I am making to much of it but I couldn't handle another phone call, like my name says my heart is duct taped.

Posts: 75 | Registered: Jan 2009
momofthree2007
♀ Member
Member # 14766
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, February 26th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H had his A's before he enlisted.

I decided to post this question here since all of you are military spouses.

Are any of you Army spouses stationed in Hawaii?

If so, please PM me cause I need to know where my H and I can go to for MC there and I can't find anything when I'm googling.

My H wants to try use all the services available on base if possible since it might be cheaper.

Thanks


H - XWH (32) RSA
D-Day 1, OW1: 3/20/07
D-Day 2. OW2: 6/24/07
Divorced, 08/23/2012
Married 7 years, together 9
One day fling each; online As turned physical physical

Posts: 491 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Florida
momofthree2007
♀ Member
Member # 14766
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, February 26th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate to sound desperate is there anybody stationed in Hawaii at all?


H - XWH (32) RSA
D-Day 1, OW1: 3/20/07
D-Day 2. OW2: 6/24/07
Divorced, 08/23/2012
Married 7 years, together 9
One day fling each; online As turned physical physical

Posts: 491 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Florida
socold
♂ Member
Member # 17400
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, February 26th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Ducttape, welcome to this site. A year is still very fresh, and your H's attitude to your very normal reaction is disturbing. I think if you posted your question in the Just Found Out forum also it might help. JFO is a relative time period, and I know more people read in there than in this thread.

I'm so sorry for what he has done to you, my best wishes for you. Please keep posting no matter where at and also please read in the Healing Library (esp. the BS FAQ and the Articles sections) which is on the left hand side menu.

Sc

[This message edited by socold at 8:15 PM, February 26th (Thursday)]


(me)fBH 35
D-Day Dec 9, 2007
D final Oct 19th 2010

Posts: 2584 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: in a van down by the river
Tiredofblame
♀ Member
Member # 18049
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, February 26th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HP- stbx and I are both military - or were. He cheated while TDY a lot (instead of a specific deployment). I wish he had told me then that he gets very lonely when he is away from home and that when I did not have time to talk to him, he found other people to fill that void. He started online and then moved to personal relationships and affairs. Ask him what you can do to make him feel more secure and think about what it was about being deployed that made you vulnerable. Is there anything he could have done different. If you bring it up in the right way, he might feel good to know that there is something he can do to help you stay faithful. I would send lots and lots of pictures of you with the people you hang out with. That way he doesn't think they are just a cover. He will know that you are actually spending time with them and no one else.

Posts: 190 | Registered: Feb 2008
ducttapeheart
♀ Member
Member # 22573
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, February 26th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Socold,
I wish I didn't have to be here! Quick background it was a two week affair in Iraq then he moved to a different base and she went home and it continued emotionally until October of 07. We were stretched to our limit before he left we had just done a 5-6 deployment only to have him leave again less then 4 months later. This woman gave him what I wasn't giving him time, attention, fantasy. He has been open about details when asked, I don't have to press. but he does think I should be over it but he understands that I am still upset. According to him she had to do whatever she needed to do to save her marriage so his calling me was part of that, otherwise he would have never told me. So I guess my hurt is for the greater good, nice huh? Wow now that I have told someone I can't believe how much it really does hurt.

Posts: 75 | Registered: Jan 2009
HPrynne
♀ Member
Member # 18545
Default  Posted: 6:30 AM, March 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DTH,
I understand you are dreading the antiversary of the phone call, or DDay, as it is known here.

You say "what the OW husband did has hurt me so much more..he purposely wanted to hurt me."

One of the things people will say on this site is that the betrayed spouse should contact the other betrayed spouse, not to hurt them, but so the other BS can know what was going on.

I hope some day you will realize that might be the case in your situation as well.


Me, FWW
Him, BH
Married: 17 years
DDay: Jan 2008
More TT: April 2008
Lie Detector test: July 2008
He said he forgives me: Feb 13, 2011
3 children (one of them during R -- what a blessing)

Posts: 220 | Registered: Mar 2008
ducttapeheart
♀ Member
Member # 22573
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, March 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First off your comment has struck a huge nerve with me, so if I am short I apologize. Did your BH call the OM wife? Maybe he did it with the best of intentions. But I am pretty sure in my case that the OW spouse wanted to cause pain, he never asked if I was going to be okay the rest of the day and he sent an email to my husband that said I told her and I hope she leaves you and takes half! That is hurting someone not cluing them in on a situation. In my opinion huge difference.

Posts: 75 | Registered: Jan 2009
chrissy26
♀ Member
Member # 23068
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, March 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wouldn't ya know I belong to this club too....Anyway I posted this in general but I thought maybe some of you could help me out with this too.

OK back in 2002 my WH went into bootcamp, he was only in bootcamp for 2 months give or take and he had a medical condition which he got discharged from the army for. Well when he got back I went to unpack his bag and found a letter that bascially said: I can't break the 10 commandments with you anymore....I want to be with you but not while you are married...see ya when you are single. When I confronted him about it he said he and a group of guys were on kitchen duty with her and that they were all teasing her telling her to strip and that she didn't, got offended, and wrote every guy in the room the same letter he recieved.
I am not stupid and this sounds like complete bullshit to me...My questions are:
1. Does the story make ANY sense to any of you?

2. Is it possible to have a sexual relationship while in bootcamp?


BS(me)- 27
WH(him)- 28
Married - 9 yrs Together- 11 yrs
Kids - D-10,D-8,S-3
Status - pending
D Day #1 - 04-02 (some girl he met while in boot camp)
D Day #2 - 12-24-07 (online EA with at least 2 sluts, maybe more)

Posts: 55 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: TN
ducttapeheart
♀ Member
Member # 22573
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, March 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Socold,
Thank you for suggesting I post in the JFO forum a person who has just had their d-day gave me some advice. You are right his reaction is not normal he doesn't talk about emotions they get stuffed in a box. My husband doesn't tell me alot of what goes on during his deployments, some of that is because things they do while gone can be misconstrued and gossiped about by the wives back home. I had no idea this woman even exsisted. At the time I found out we were happy he had been home for several months we were settled into our new duty station, we were getting to know each other again after being apart so much. Then this bomb was set off and my world turned upside down. The morning I found out I was reading about Eliot Spitzer and looking at the photo of his wife, thinking she is so brave standing by him, if I had only know 15 minutes later I would be in the same position!

Posts: 75 | Registered: Jan 2009
Soldiersgirl
♀ Member
Member # 8188
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, March 15th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chrissy, it is VERY possible to have sex in basic. You aren't supposed to, but since when has that stopped people? And his story doesn't add up. Last time I checked "Thou shalt not strip" wasn't in the ten commandments and would have nothing to do with him being single or married.


You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. ~ Henny Youngman
No man was ever shot by his wife while doing the dishes. ~ Anon
It takes two to make a marriage a success and only one to make it a failure. ~ Herbert Samuel

Posts: 1375 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: Louisiana
crushed0209
♀ New Member
Member # 22885
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, March 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anyone dealt with an affair while their husband was overseas on an unaccompanied tour to Saudi?Certain compounds should be shut down. Nurses from all over the world work there nearby and go there every weekend as its the only place to legally drink in the dry country. Needless to say LOTS of things happen.

[This message edited by crushed0209 at 10:20 AM, March 18th (Wednesday)]


BS-39
FWH-39
married 15 years
2 kids
dday 2/8/09

Posts: 41 | Registered: Feb 2009
ducttapeheart
♀ Member
Member # 22573
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, March 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear crushed,
I am really sorry you have to be here, I will keep you in my thoughts. I had to think about this surely booze can help influence bad behavior but it was dry where my husband was and he still had a PA and EA with his hussy. It was the attention and that she was new and exciting and there was no real world to distract her attention from him. And they think they can get away with it.
Ducttapeheart

[This message edited by ducttapeheart at 6:22 AM, March 17th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 75 | Registered: Jan 2009
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