STBXH has his first EA in A-school, with a buddy's wife. That relationship blew up before it got physical (so he said). A second EA a few months later with our next door neighbor, while her husband was deployed. These behavior patterns were extremely unusual; he'd never acted like this before the military, and I just kept trucking thinking we could change it together. Finally, PA with another sailor (command ho). I thought it was another EA, and tired of that plus his pathological lying, we separated. I explained why I could not do it anymore, and all the while he was nodding along while I talked, saying, yes, he understood how I felt about his third EA, but they were nothing more than friends and it had NEVER been physical. He would NEVER do that. Or even THINK about it.
Two months later, I find out he'd been banging his shipmate the whole time. EA, my ass! I'm glad the pattern is broken for good now. My divorce will be final any day now, and I'm looking forward to dating again (OUTSIDE the military!) While I probably would trade those two years if I could, to escape the pain I went through, I made amazing friends for life on base. Living back in my home state now... miss those friends like hell :(
[This message edited by navywife111 at 8:11 PM, January 22nd (Thursday)]
I've just been tasked for a year-long military deployment. One of my fears is that we're not strong enough to weather a year-long deployment. But then I think this might help us, might bring us closer. And it's this latter thought that helps me get through the days as we move closer to the day I leave for training.
Today my BH brought up some of his fears about this deployment. How will he know that what I'm telling him, through letters and phone calls, is the truth?
You see, I betrayed him two years ago during a deployment, physically, and then for seven months after I returned with the emotional A.
I wrote to him and called him and basically lied, withheld information from him on my previous deployment and after I returned home.
He said today that he has started trusting my daily actions -- when I go to the store, if I go out to lunch with a girlfriend, etc., but that this deployment is going to be so hard -- especially since some of the dates coincide with other previous anti-dates. Make sense?
I said perhaps this is God's way of giving us new ways of looking at these dates, i.e. instead of thinking on "such and such a date on that year, HP was doing *blank*" he will start to think, "On such a such a date, different year, she sent me a picture of herself and a nice poem" instead. Replacing bad memories of dates with good memories.
I know of so many ways I will do this deployment differently -- I just don't know how to help my BH think differently when he gets my letters, e-mails, phone calls.
My H left for a year + deployment within a few months of dday.
The ideas you have are good.
Keep in mind that even with the best of intentions everything you do will not be welcomed with open arms.
Tell him to focus on himself while you are gone and do the things he couldn't do while he was working.
Suggest putting a camcorder on your computer so he can see you. It has been done.
Let him know your fears for your M.
"I know of so many ways I will do this deployment differently." Tell him your game plan and who is going to be your accountability partner.
Call frequently and write even more. Send letters by snail mail and gifts just because.
Put a key logger on your personal computer or psp or whatever else you would use to communicate personally with anyone outside of the military email.
Keep in mind that ALL military emails are held in an archive. The only information someone would need to retrieve the information is a military email address with a time frame.
Make sure your H has access to your email addresses.
Constantly let him know that he is on your mind.
[This message edited by letting_go at 5:01 PM, February 20th (Friday)]
"It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men." Frederick Douglass (1818-1895)
I am deploying individually so any accountability partner I choose would be someone unknown to my H, creating a suspicious situation all around.
One thing that will help is that I will have roommates this time around -- from what I hear, at least seven. Last time, I unfortunately had my own space -- I hope this time all my female roommates will help give him some piece of mind.
I will work on finding an accountability partner, one that my husband can trust.
Thank you again for all your help!
I decided to post this question here since all of you are military spouses.
Are any of you Army spouses stationed in Hawaii?
If so, please PM me cause I need to know where my H and I can go to for MC there and I can't find anything when I'm googling.
My H wants to try use all the services available on base if possible since it might be cheaper.
I'm so sorry for what he has done to you, my best wishes for you. Please keep posting no matter where at and also please read in the Healing Library (esp. the BS FAQ and the Articles sections) which is on the left hand side menu.
[This message edited by socold at 8:15 PM, February 26th (Thursday)]
You say "what the OW husband did has hurt me so much more..he purposely wanted to hurt me."
One of the things people will say on this site is that the betrayed spouse should contact the other betrayed spouse, not to hurt them, but so the other BS can know what was going on.
I hope some day you will realize that might be the case in your situation as well.
OK back in 2002 my WH went into bootcamp, he was only in bootcamp for 2 months give or take and he had a medical condition which he got discharged from the army for. Well when he got back I went to unpack his bag and found a letter that bascially said: I can't break the 10 commandments with you anymore....I want to be with you but not while you are married...see ya when you are single. When I confronted him about it he said he and a group of guys were on kitchen duty with her and that they were all teasing her telling her to strip and that she didn't, got offended, and wrote every guy in the room the same letter he recieved.
I am not stupid and this sounds like complete bullshit to me...My questions are:
1. Does the story make ANY sense to any of you?
2. Is it possible to have a sexual relationship while in bootcamp?
[This message edited by crushed0209 at 10:20 AM, March 18th (Wednesday)]
[This message edited by ducttapeheart at 6:22 AM, March 17th (Tuesday)]