DownNotOut- How do I get to the place where you are? I so desperately want to be there. Granted it has only been 2 1/2 weeks since D-Day but it feels like months with all this strain on my emotions. Our situations are similar in the fact that both of us have been WS. I am still very surprised and critical of myself when I did it but obviously that has taken a back seat. I can't even bear the thought of kissing him or having sex with him. I don't even want to wear my hair curly anymore since hers is. I don't want to worry if he is seeing her when he looks at me. I am so messed up. 2nd MC tomorrow.
D-prsed: Sweetie, go easy on yourself. I'm over a year out from the last d-day. It's still pretty new for you, isn't it? And I have plenty of days where I think about giving up and throwing this M to the winds. But those days are less (by a marked margin) than the days I love my H and am enjoying our relationship together.
Give yourself some time. I know about not wanting to look anything like the OW. I cut off all of my hair shortly after I the initial d-day. Not my best choice...
Hang in there.
"Beauty is between one's ears anyway, isn't it?"
One more question.
I want to contact her chain of command and tell them what is going on.
Is she in trouble for messing with a married guy?
I know they can do nothing to him since he is retired.
When he was active duty i could get him for fraternization.
Is she of the hook??
Is there a base lawyer that you can talk to? S/he would be able to tell you what your rights are regarding his retirement as well as what kind of trouble they may get into for the affair.
D-Day: November 17,2008; husband revealed ONS from June 2008
Welcome to SI and to the "Military/Deployment Affairs" section. So sorry you have to be here!
So sorry you find yourself here. Emails is how I found out. If I hadn't, I would probably still be in the dark.
Have you checked out the Healing Library yet?
He paid and came after me. We're currently stationed in Japan so its not like I really had anywhere to run to at that point. I asked him about where, when, how many times... let me tell you what I found out.
He has cheated 3 times. Never an affair, all one night stands. The first time was in Maryland (2005, maybe beginning of 2006, he doesn't remember exactly), with a coworker, after a drunken party night. He said as soon as he came to and realized he was about to "put it in her" he pushed her away and asked her to stop contacting him. Second time was on a deployment to Philippians(MAY 2007). He got drunk with some coworkers and they picked up some local girls and went and fooled around with them, then sent the girls packing (basically). He said at this point he doesn't remember if he felt guilty.. Third time was on a philippine navy ship(same deployment, aug 2007). He was sleeping while the filipino guys were up on deck partying, when a local girl who was partying on the boat woke him up in a "special way." He said one thing lead to another and they ended up having sex. He says he never kissed either of the philippian girls, just sex. I don't know if that makes a difference, to me right now not so much.... He says it's been killing him to keep this secret from me but he didn't want me to leave. He swears it'll never happen again. We've already had two meetings with our church leader, counseling together and separate. Any time I ask him a question he's very cooperative and answers without frustration. I love him very much despite what he did, but especially in staying with a military career... trust is very important to our relationship and I'm not sure how to trust him again. I've had so many thoughts of doing something to hurt him... but I don't want to hurt him.. because I know that wouldn't help me. I'm just lost and confused and I don't understand why this happened... I thought we were perfect and now I know the truth. I feel like the last three years of our marriage were full of lies. I want to rebuild our marriage the right way but I feel like a crazy person, wondering what he's doing and who he's talking to, even when he's at work (he's now in an all-male shop). I have no trust left... none.. and I hate that feeling. I just neeed some advice, someone to talk to, someone who knows my pain. I can talk to my husband all I want but it's not the same hurt he's going through that I am...... I'm lost.
The lawyer confirmed much of what I've always thought, (I posted this bit in another thread) that the military is often simply an extended adolescence for many members and that when they get out it hits them REALLY hard, because they never had to grow up. After parents, they always had the military telling them when to get up and go to work, where to go, what to do there and how to do it. When they have time off, some of them just go "looney-tunes" and do things totally out of character. If they didn't learn self-control before they joined the military, they're not going to learn it FROM the military.
I guess that's where the spouse is supposed to pick up the slack? Nevermind that we're growing up at the same time and totally bewildered by our active duty spouse's bizarre behavior. If I had known about his lack of self control when we were younger, there would have been a better chance of our marriage being what I had always believed it was. Instead, I thought he was strong, wise, faithful, loving and pretty much "Superman."
I learned (for the first time) about the 20/20/20 miltary spouse --
Full benefits (medical, commissary, base exchange, theater, etc.) are extended to an unremarried former spouse when:
1. the parties had been married for at least 20 years;
2. the member performed at least 20 years of service creditable for retired pay; and
3. there was at least a 20 year overlap of the marriage and the military service.
Plus she said I might be awarded 50% of his retirement pay if we were to divorce.
Heck, I'm not gonna divorce him, because this way I have 100% of his pay!
So my view on this has to be - let your spouse know what you expect, what your expectations are based on (faith, trust, fidelity, etc.) and that it will hurt you VERY VERY deeply to be betrayed. Let them know you CARE and that you WILL be hurt if they give in to temptation.
I think we'd be appalled if we really knew how many spouses seriously thought, "She won't care" or "What he never finds out won't hurt him." It DOES hurt, whether you find out in 6 months or in 26 years.
If I had known "then" what I know now... then EVERY time my husband left for a TDY or training, I would have taken his hand, touched his wedding ring and reminded him, "This ring is not just around your finger. It is around my heart, even if you have to take it off while on duty. Please remember, you hold my heart?"
Instead... I just tried not to cry when he had to leave. Better I had cried, and let him know just how much I needed, wanted and loved him, instead of convincing him I was strong and would be just fine without him...
God bless you all!
My husband is in the military (contributing factor to infidelity....). His enlistment is up in dec 2010, and we were planning on doing bootstrap program so he could become an officer. . . now I'm wondering if we should continue this lifestyle now that I know what it has done to our marriage.. sooo.. how do we decide if it is time to say "Good Bye" to this career option?
that being said, do you think that you can handle more seperations? Can you trust your spouse through a deployment? Those are serious questions that you need to consider when making this decision.
The military lifestyle may contribute, but please don't think that if it weren't for the military, your spouse never would have strayed. It gives them opportunity yes, but not motive.
[This message edited by ragingalone at 1:01 PM, December 12th (Friday)]
Do any of you have an active duty spouse (or family, friends, etc.) who has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder or any generalized, unspecified mood disorder that is being treated with a mood stabilizer that has been approved by the military?
If so, which mood stablilizers is this AD member taking that still allows he/she to be considered servicable (including deployable)? Lamictal is apparently not one of the approved.
Was there a big ordeal with the military med. board to have this usage approved? Any tips, loopholes, warnings or info you can offer regarding the process?
Thanks in advance.
Happy New Year to all.
Almost 3 years since the first dday and 18 months since the last dday. Still breathing. Still working through stuff but it's looking good.
No reasons to suspect at present.
Just got back from our holiday vacation and it went well for the most part. Some frustration and bickering, but nothing A related.
I am content.
H is currently out in the field for a week doing work-ups for a new deployment in late Spring. Only 6 months this time, thank goodness.
And I've lost 45 pounds.
How's everyone else?