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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Military Deployment/Affairs
mm32
♀ New Member
Member # 19856
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, June 15th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Soldiersgirl:

We're going to Ft. Meade, MD.

He's going to some marriage group ting and IC now while still in Korea... and we're supposed to be starting MC when he gets back.

I have IC where I am now that I just started throgh the VA...

I just kinda wanna hit him though... he's so wrapped up in how horrible he feels for doing it to me that he can't see how much worse he's making it for me now by not being there for me.

Boys ARE stupid at times.


D-Day May 12th 2008

Posts: 17 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: MI
ragingalone
Member
Member # 17029
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, June 21st (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just checking in to see how everyone is doing.
I think this deployment is getting to the point that we both just want it to be over.
I miss my husband so much. I want him home already!


Together - 9/17/2002 Busted him EA - 9/17/2007 (5 years EXACTLY after we got together)
Reconciling and renewed vows - 2/2/2008
D-day#2- 8/12/08 (another EA & profile)Seperated
D-day#3- 10/01/08 PA with OW#1
Filed for Divorce- 11/21/08

Posts: 275 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: heartbreak hotel
LMigs528
♀ Member
Member # 13536
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, June 21st (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RA - You know me and my FWH hit this same point with about 4wks left and it was horrible. Its like... how can I describe it.. Its like pulling off of a bandaid. Its going so slow and it hurts so bad, but once its off, you are good to go!! lolol.. Hang in there toots! This too shall pass!


Just so lost... I hope this road I choose to travel will help Me get found.

Posts: 939 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Long Island, NY
Despisn3rdWorld
♀ Member
Member # 18660
Default  Posted: 2:19 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are there any retiree's or one's that got out that can offer insight to pre-retiring emotions.
We've had a lot...but I can't help but relate this change with A. I KNOW they are seperate issues...but it's that just when we, more so I, could finally feel at ease...this is making me uneasy.


BS - ME
FWS - HIM
Discovery - 03/12/07 made the heartwrenching, body shakin call...
Should have went with my gut a lot sooner...
Total Recon!

Posts: 521 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Overseas
myworld
♀ New Member
Member # 20060
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, June 30th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had this on another thread, but someone suggested that I come here. I just want to let you know that although my H was active military a few years ago, he is now with a security company in Iraq. His affair was with a Captain in the Army who because of her other affair with a married soldier, couldn't go any further than a Captain with her Military Career (so I am told). She is no longer in the Military either. If I am not welcome on this thread please let me know........ I just want some help..

My husband had an affair in Iraq last year starting at the end of October. He had been there for 2 1/2 months away from us this time. He said that he met the OW at the gym. They exchanged info. and he slept with her that same night. The affair continued for a few more weeks before she had to leave to come back to the states. The phone calls and emails continued.... He was to come home in December, but never gave me an exact date. When he did come home. He surprised us, never even hugging me when he came through the door. I knew things were different, not right..... He was very distant, not wanting me....this wasn't him...we were very sexually active together. I asked him what was going on.......his eyes were sagging and he looked terrible. He didn't give me a straight answer ..... he told me he was confused, he wasn't sure that I was what he wanted anymore.....Wow! That took me off of my feet. I was here in our new home that we just purchase 4 months ago. Everything was going great for once, so I thought. I was taking care of 3 children (teen, pre-teen and 4 yr. old), bills, house, with no outside help. I am a stay at home mom. He told me that he met a friend and she was like one of the guys...I knew at that moment, he had an affair. He denied it then. I wanted to believe him, but I knew what was going on..... He finally broke down and told me, probably because he had been feeling sick physically, he was very sick. He told me everything (all the intimate details) anything I asked he told me. You get the idea, I asked everything! He called her, in private, at first and told her that I knew. Why couldn't he call her in front of me? That still bothers me, probably to be sleazy about it, making her still feel special. He says it was because he felt to ashamed to do it in front of me, PLEASE ugh!

I found out that he was her second affair with a married man within the time she was in Iraq. She was on her second marriage, going through a separation/divorce. She was a 28 years old. So that gives you an idea of what she is like. Troubled? Insecure? who knows.

Then the second bomb dropped 10 days after he came home, he told me that he met her in a city 2 hours from our home within our state! He spend 3 nights with her in a hotel. She is from another state and she flew there to be with him. So while my children and I were preparing for my husband to come home after not seeing him for 3 months and getting the house ready for Christmas. Being very excited. He was having an affair and missing out on precious time we should have been spending together.

When they were together in the city, she told him that she was sick of always being the other woman (literally crying to him) over dinner at a restaurant. She told him how she wanted to have children too. She even told him the names she had chosen for them.

After he told me, he called her again and told her that I knew everything and It was over completely (this time in front of me). He has no contact with her, he changed his Skype number and all the email accounts that she knew.

I called her nicely to try to get info. about the affair (Nice because people tend to give you more info. when your nice) she confirmed everything he said. I even asked her if he told her he loved her and she said no.....he wasn't like that with me. My H told me that she called one of his friends to talk to him (my H), to let him know that I called her. He said he didn't call her back.

So here is my question. How am I suppose to work on my marriage when I have only see my husband every 90 days for 30 days. He left in January, I saw him in April for 30 days. He is very remorseful. He is trying his best and making a very best effort. We talk everyday, but I told him that I am not sure that I want him. I don't know if I want this hanging over my marriage. When he was home in April, we went on a get away for the weekend, but honestly, being in a hotel made me sick, thinking that the last time he was in a hotel was with her. Having sex with him when he's home makes me think of the affair. Its been 6 months but when he comes home it seems so fresh.

How can your marriage heal when they are not present.

Married - 16 years
3 Children (15, 12,and 5)


Me - 38
Him - 37
Kids - 3 (15, 13 & 6)
M- 16 years
DMonth - (full of surprises) Dec. 07
He is very remorseful!
He is acting like the husand I always wanted!
But, he is hard to trust.


Posts: 7 | Registered: Jun 2008
LMigs528
♀ Member
Member # 13536
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While you can R during your separation (or deployment- like my FWH and I).. It is sooo hard. We were able to work on some things, but ultimately, the most of our work is occuring now that hes home. There is only so much you can accomplish without have him home and the stability of enduring the rollercoaster of R in person. Sure you can talk about things, but until hes there seeing your emotion, and feeling how you feel, it wont ever be complete, kwim? Everyone Rs different though, so you guys need to figure out what works for you..What type of lover are you.. What is he... What do you each want to get out of your R.. Start the basics while hes home and during his deployed periods... dont go a step ahead, but dont go back either.. keep your M idle during those times and pick up when he gets back. Its very hard to have a SO in the military, and throw in an affair and its all sorts of crazy.. Hang in there.. And hold on to your hat. Good luck!


Just so lost... I hope this road I choose to travel will help Me get found.

Posts: 939 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Long Island, NY
Despisn3rdWorld
♀ Member
Member # 18660
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((myworld))
As LMigs528 has mentioned...everyone R's differently. It is very hard to R when apart...but you both have to come to a compromise as to how it will work and what he needs to do to make you at ease. (it will take many years to come to a complete peace, IMHO, but we all will eventually get there if both sides want it) I'm sorry that you ended up here...but glad you found where others can hear you, help you and send you virtual hugs!


BS - ME
FWS - HIM
Discovery - 03/12/07 made the heartwrenching, body shakin call...
Should have went with my gut a lot sooner...
Total Recon!

Posts: 521 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Overseas
Piper317
♀ Member
Member # 15330
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello everyone! Just wanted to wish you all a happy and safe 4th of July.

“Where liberty is, there is my country” ~Ben Franklin

“This will remain the land of the free only so long as it is the home of the brave.” ~Elmer Davis (American radio announcer & news commentator 1890 - 1958)


Hugs to all. Let freedom ring.


Married 8 years, together 11
BS(me)-34 FWH-37 d-day 7/3/07
♥R!R!R!♥
Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.
Let your clarity define you.
"Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable." ~The Wizard

Posts: 1476 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New York
Not_4Ever?
♀ Member
Member # 14837
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H is retired military.
Is Tricare still paying for MC or IC??


The secret to happieness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory!


Posts: 313 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Texas
Piper317
♀ Member
Member # 15330
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is for me even though our MTF does not have any.


Married 8 years, together 11
BS(me)-34 FWH-37 d-day 7/3/07
♥R!R!R!♥
Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.
Let your clarity define you.
"Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable." ~The Wizard

Posts: 1476 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New York
ragingalone
Member
Member # 17029
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been away for awhile but you know, I miss this place too much.
I am having a horrible time lately. Tonight is especially bad. I fucking hate deployments. I want him home. And we still have over 4 months left. I am starting to cry over STUPID shit and it's pissing me off; adding to my tailspin of emotions.
My husband calls as much as he can (sometimes every day, if not every other day), sometimes just to tell me 'I can't talk long but I just wanted to hear your voice and tell you that I love you.' So our relationship is going strong, *I* just feel weak. Fucking defeated. I am worried that my marriage is going to change when he gets back. That somehow Iraq is going to change him into this man that I no longer know or even like. And he is talking about re-enlisting. How do I support him with that?! Part of me wants him to do what he wants to do (he LOVES the military) but part of me wants to be selfish and have him get out to have him all to myself (and our kids).
I think this is more than a vent. I hope that's okay. BLAH!


Together - 9/17/2002 Busted him EA - 9/17/2007 (5 years EXACTLY after we got together)
Reconciling and renewed vows - 2/2/2008
D-day#2- 8/12/08 (another EA & profile)Seperated
D-day#3- 10/01/08 PA with OW#1
Filed for Divorce- 11/21/08

Posts: 275 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: heartbreak hotel
ragingalone
Member
Member # 17029
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just checking in.
It's weird to read the previous post from 20 days ago and realize how far I/we have come in just the last few weeks. It's great.
How is everyone else doing?
It's like a ghost town in this forum now.


Together - 9/17/2002 Busted him EA - 9/17/2007 (5 years EXACTLY after we got together)
Reconciling and renewed vows - 2/2/2008
D-day#2- 8/12/08 (another EA & profile)Seperated
D-day#3- 10/01/08 PA with OW#1
Filed for Divorce- 11/21/08

Posts: 275 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: heartbreak hotel
laid2waste
♀ Member
Member # 20474
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, August 3rd (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH is a reservist currently on active duty. He was called up to go to Iraq in January of 2003, did a 15 month deployment, came home in April of '04 and was redeployed August that same year. He returned home Christmas day of 2005. Since then, he has remained AD as a training NCO in Wisconsin (our home is in Mid-Michigan), conducting urban ops training for deploying troops on their way to Iraq and A-stan.

I recently discovered his affairs in June, and, as far as I can tell, his first betrayal was in June of 06 - 6 months after returning stateside.

However, I'm still in the early stages of awareness of his infidelities and I'm mostly getting trickle-truth: every passing day reveals some new discovery, another tidbit of information, and longer strands of what has now become a very large and elaborate web of lies and deceit.

He's been home from duty since May, but will be returning to AD at the end of this month (August). Currently, he's on a 2 week assignment back in Wisconsin which has given me a small taste of what I will have to look forward to when he leaves again for 2 more years if I remain in this marriage - I'm labeling it "controlled insanity!!"

Since he's been gone, my new snooping obsession (I have NEVER felt the urge to spy, check up on or suspect my husband of any misconduct before - my trust in him was 150%!) has led me to more information, revealing just how deep his lies go. Not just HIS lies, but the lies of the friends-in-the-know he's networked into his affairs as a safety net for my inquiries.

I just don't know if I can do 2 more years now - before June 20, it was just a drop in an ocean since we'd already been apart for so long and survived none the worse for wear. Now, those 2 years feel like an eternity because I discovered we'd been living a lie.

I feel like I lost the last 5 years of my life being a dutiful, responsible and loving wife only to be cruelly punished for my devotion to our marriage.

If I had known back then what I know now, I would have left our marriage right after he deployed in 2003 and saved myself all the trouble, stress,loneliness,despair and heartbreak.


D-day: 6/20/08, 7/15/08
ME: BS/43
HIM: WS/41
OW#1: 44 YO - EA/PA lasted over a year!
OW#2: 55+ YO - PA/EA approx 8 months
STATUS: Spent 6 years trying to recover. I moved out; finally recovering nicely.

Posts: 135 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Western Wisconsin
life_will_go_on
♀ New Member
Member # 18042
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, August 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((laid2waste))

I am so sorry for what you're going through. I can so relate. The snooping thing is normal. I still sometimes do it. Especially when he goes back to the Army. There's a great book that I suggest you read. It's called not just friends. It's helped me.
I sent you a private message. I think we might have a lot in common.


ME: 42
WSO: 41
Not Married, but together 13yrs.
D-Day: 12/10/07 (yeah merry x-mas to you too)
4 children (3 mine, 1 ours)20, 17, 14, 6
1 year Military Deployment Affair
Attempting Reconcilliation



Posts: 23 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Wisconsin
Piper317
♀ Member
Member # 15330
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, August 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((laid2waste)))

I am so sorry you have to be here BUT you came to the right place. SI, and this forum in particular, are great places for healing and support. I don't have any words of wisdom, just keep posting and know that we are all in this lousy boat together.

I have said it once, I'll say it a thousand times: it sucks to be the cheerleader and then get run over by the team.


Married 8 years, together 11
BS(me)-34 FWH-37 d-day 7/3/07
♥R!R!R!♥
Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.
Let your clarity define you.
"Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable." ~The Wizard

Posts: 1476 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New York
lisaloo
♀ Member
Member # 20082
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, August 18th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK totally random question ladies and gents....but how often did you get letters and or phone calls while your SO was in Basic Training (assuming you knew them them...)??? I have gotten more letters from ex boyfriends and family than I have gotten from my WH and I am just wondering what the average is for everyone else??


Me: 33 STBXH: 34 DD: 8
D Day (EA): 6-19-08
D Day #2 (SA): 7-5-10
D Day #3 (EA): 11-8-13
WH moved out: 11-18-13
Moved BACK IN (because the lawyer told him to): 11/29/13.
Filed for Divorce: 12-9-13
In house separation...fun, fun, fun.

Posts: 474 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: AL
Soldiersgirl
♀ Member
Member # 8188
Default  Posted: 4:00 AM, August 24th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It can depend. I got letters from my ex fiancee while I was in basic and he was in basic about once every other wee kI think? I didn't have a whole lot of time for letter writing myself. Some training units don't giv ethem a whole lot of down time, especially if it's a OSUT ((combined Basic/AIT))


You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. ~ Henny Youngman
No man was ever shot by his wife while doing the dishes. ~ Anon
It takes two to make a marriage a success and only one to make it a failure. ~ Herbert Samuel

Posts: 1375 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: Louisiana
Piper317
♀ Member
Member # 15330
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, August 28th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just checking on everyone....it's been sloooow on this thread for a while. I hope everyone is hanging in there.


Married 8 years, together 11
BS(me)-34 FWH-37 d-day 7/3/07
♥R!R!R!♥
Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.
Let your clarity define you.
"Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable." ~The Wizard

Posts: 1476 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New York
DownNotOut
♀ Member
Member # 10076
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, August 30th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hanging in there, yes...but there are days when I have my doubts.

FWH is really started to look at homes to buy. I am scared sh!tless!

Other than that, just living life, day by day and trying to be as happy as possible (which most days is pretty happy, I'll admit).


"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."
~ nimbyone

"Beauty is between one's ears anyway, isn't it?"
~ bkewidow


Posts: 1606 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Unemployed and Hating It
ArmyWife2007
♀ New Member
Member # 20881
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, September 5th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HELP. PLEASE.

I am a WS. I was perfect during the first 12 mo. deployment, no problems. This time my H deployed for 15 mo.

My best friend pursued me. I ended it after a few drunken mistakes just kissing and an EA that was getting more serious for him. Told my H everything. then I broke no contact after four months or so. I am so sorry that I did. EA and PA. I want it over. The OM says he's in love. But I just love my H. I want him home.

I NEVER thought I would do this. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I can't even say the words I want to call myself.
Please help. Has anyone else done what I have done?


Posts: 50 | Registered: Sep 2008
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