Definately go with your gut. It does sound like he is remorseful...but actions speak louder than words. Despite the A...keep in mind that he told you...that is a plus...but take your time...and remember it is about healing you.
Does your husband travel, deploy or TDY alot. I would look at the times that he has been gone and find out about any occurences. Obviously, more information has been forthcoming from him??
The only way I finally got the truth was with an amnesty point. I gave FWH one chance to confess everything that he needed to and we would deal with it and move on from there, but anything that he held back would be considered a deal breaker. I still fully believe that was the only reason I ever got the full truth. Sorry you have to be here though.
I am a military wife stationed overseas. WH took his online chatting a step further and had physical contact with OW. How do I trust what he tells me now if he denied the A up until I had concrete hard proof...then it still took some talking? He used his government computer and government phone for alot of the talks, emails, chats, etc. I can't just go to his CO and ask him to monitor usage and reduce down his TDY because as soon as I do they will ask why and we all know what "could" happen if this got out to command. Anyone else been through something like this and any ideas/tips/hints? Thanks for listening and having patience and understanding with this newbie.
First of all, maybe a Keylogger system, don't know it that could be a problem with the government computer. There is a monitor service, I have saved it on my computer under favorites. I think mine used his AKO for communication as well as a secret Yahoo account. But then what he is doing is not exactly right.
Mine did the EA while in Saudi, don't know if it went PA. Jury still out on that one!
I would research a little further.
Now I find out (once he moved back in) that it was a PA. Our MC and IC says I should have access to all email accounts so that he can prove he isn't doing anything. I can't do that with his government computer. He used his secret yahoo and aol accounts and I finally got him to give me the passwords. He is starting to be honest...but with all the emotions I still wonder about work computer. I can't install anything on his government computer and he doesn't bring it home . Maybe I am just too obsessed with that one email account that I can't access.
You can't keylogger a gov't computer or really any computer that legally belongs to a company.
Part of your deal is being transparent, he should give you his AKO password. Write it down and sporadically check it. I am starting to make a habit out of popping in to see my H at work, I am hoping that is a deterant for him, plus he really loves it now that we are in R.
Alexanderl42 has it rough, can you imagine popping into Iraq?
Anyway, would have loved to pop into Iraq but he is in Kuwait now. I almost thought about getting passport and calling him from the airport once I landed, just to surprise him. My mom and sister thought that it was too far away from the kids.
2Much, everyone is correct, honesty is the best policy. I havn't gotten all the information as far as accounts, but know him after 27 years, so basically told him what I expected and he is willingly complying. He is contractor now, but after this, never again. One thing I learned that money is not worth the sadness I see in my children and myself being away from husband
[This message edited by alexanderl42 at 2:58 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]
Welcome to SI but sorry for the circumstances!
I fully agree with the work computer. I was able to go in after hours...don't get me wrong...he deleted it before I saw it...but he didn't realize that I could retrieve it...and he didn't think I would check all the drives and all his disks. My FWH made it part of his work day as well as part of his deployment...so therefore warranted a look-see from me...and boy did I find! You know how it works at his job and when is an opportune time...use it if you can. Until I was able to do that, he always gave me the answer of he didn't know why OW was hanging on and he never told her or promised her anything...had I not seen what I did...looking back, I believe that he would have tried to keep that info to himself. Go with your gut always if it's making you spill over.
I also want to say that I do NOT in anyway recommend sneaking onto your spouses government computer. If you are caught you can get both yourself and your spouse into some serious hot water. Don't put yourself at risk to save his neck. If you are truly that concerned, then the CoC should be notified. At least then the only person getting fried is the spouse and rightly so. Despisin, I'm glad you didn't get caught, but please don't take that risk again.
youre my drug and I did not get a fix today,well I did but It wasnt enough
resilientspouse: For what reason would you go to the OW? I ask only because you said she was a non-issue in the beginning...or did I misunderstand your post? The way that it sounds is that she is just reacting off of your WH's NC letter. IDK...maybe her pride got crushed and then reacted...but I would let it be if she is not contacting your WH. In my case, yes, I did speak to the OW...but that was because I called the number that I found on his cell bill...at that point, my heart dropped...hence my valid discovery.
[This message edited by Despisn3rdWorld at 8:59 PM, June 5th (Thursday)]
But.... i found out while visiting my WH overseas that he had been having an affair with another Active duty girl for the last 6 months.
He says that he wants to work things out with me...
but seriously how the hell are we supposed to work things out when I came back to the states 2 weeks after I found out???
He won't ever talk to me about it either... but still claims he wants to work things through....
How am I suppposed to work on this with him if he wont do anything or say anything except he wants things to be better and normal again.
It's like he thinks it's magically supposed to all resolve itself.
If you need to talk, feel free to PM me. I found out while FWH was home on leave over 2 years ago.
We're here to listen, weep, rage with you, whatever you need.
Hang in there.
"Beauty is between one's ears anyway, isn't it?"
If you are christian I highly recommend you get the book Shattered Vows. It helps you make sense of things so much.
Which base ar eyou supposed to go to may I ask?
If you do choose to meet him there, I would definetly call Military Onesource or a Chaplain and attend MC. Even if he won't agree to MC, try to seek Indivicual Counseling for yourself. You're in for a gamut of emotioins and sometimes it takes outside help (not suually in the form of friends or family because they are more invested in slapping a bandaid over the pain then actually helping you through it) to sort things out within yourself. Your priority is healing you. Your husbands priority should be healing you. He brought this devestation into your lives and sweeping it under the rug is absolutely NOT acceptable.