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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Military Deployment/Affairs
Despisn3rdWorld
♀ Member
Member # 18660
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((girl Interrupted))

Definately go with your gut. It does sound like he is remorseful...but actions speak louder than words. Despite the A...keep in mind that he told you...that is a plus...but take your time...and remember it is about healing you.


BS - ME
FWS - HIM
Discovery - 03/12/07 made the heartwrenching, body shakin call...
Should have went with my gut a lot sooner...
Total Recon!

Posts: 521 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Overseas
alexanderl42
♀ Member
Member # 18947
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, June 2nd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Girl Interupted,

Does your husband travel, deploy or TDY alot. I would look at the times that he has been gone and find out about any occurences. Obviously, more information has been forthcoming from him??


Posts: 529 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Tennessee
Soldiersgirl
♀ Member
Member # 8188
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GI,

The only way I finally got the truth was with an amnesty point. I gave FWH one chance to confess everything that he needed to and we would deal with it and move on from there, but anything that he held back would be considered a deal breaker. I still fully believe that was the only reason I ever got the full truth. Sorry you have to be here though.


You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. ~ Henny Youngman
No man was ever shot by his wife while doing the dishes. ~ Anon
It takes two to make a marriage a success and only one to make it a failure. ~ Herbert Samuel

Posts: 1375 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: Louisiana
2much2handle
New Member
Member # 19731
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am new to this forum and am going to read over some of you alls experiences.

I am a military wife stationed overseas. WH took his online chatting a step further and had physical contact with OW. How do I trust what he tells me now if he denied the A up until I had concrete hard proof...then it still took some talking? He used his government computer and government phone for alot of the talks, emails, chats, etc. I can't just go to his CO and ask him to monitor usage and reduce down his TDY because as soon as I do they will ask why and we all know what "could" happen if this got out to command. Anyone else been through something like this and any ideas/tips/hints? Thanks for listening and having patience and understanding with this newbie.


Me - BS 35
Him - WS 37
D-Day - 5/30/08
Children - 2 girls

Posts: 4 | Registered: Jun 2008
alexanderl42
♀ Member
Member # 18947
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((2MUCH))

First of all, maybe a Keylogger system, don't know it that could be a problem with the government computer. There is a monitor service, I have saved it on my computer under favorites. I think mine used his AKO for communication as well as a secret Yahoo account. But then what he is doing is not exactly right.

Mine did the EA while in Saudi, don't know if it went PA. Jury still out on that one!

I would research a little further.


Posts: 529 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Tennessee
2much2handle
New Member
Member # 19731
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH started EA when was in Korea, Kuwait, Iraq and then continued when came home this last time. I found out and had a huge issue with it. Then he started all over again. I kicked him out cause of the last time EA.

Now I find out (once he moved back in) that it was a PA. Our MC and IC says I should have access to all email accounts so that he can prove he isn't doing anything. I can't do that with his government computer. He used his secret yahoo and aol accounts and I finally got him to give me the passwords. He is starting to be honest...but with all the emotions I still wonder about work computer. I can't install anything on his government computer and he doesn't bring it home . Maybe I am just too obsessed with that one email account that I can't access.

((((((Alexander)))))))


Me - BS 35
Him - WS 37
D-Day - 5/30/08
Children - 2 girls

Posts: 4 | Registered: Jun 2008
why2008
♀ Member
Member # 18378
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think there is any way to monitor him at work. It all boils down to if they are going to cheat,then they are going to cheat. Working to re-establish trust is going to be your only security. That is working to re-establish trust with someone that has proven themselves to be untrustworthy.

You can't keylogger a gov't computer or really any computer that legally belongs to a company.

Part of your deal is being transparent, he should give you his AKO password. Write it down and sporadically check it. I am starting to make a habit out of popping in to see my H at work, I am hoping that is a deterant for him, plus he really loves it now that we are in R.

Alexanderl42 has it rough, can you imagine popping into Iraq?


Me - BS - 46
Him - WS - 44
Two daughters / 10 and 7

Posts: 4072 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Maryland / DC
alexanderl42
♀ Member
Member # 18947
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Why 2008 about thinking of me. Getting used to the Affair thoughts that seems to have settled into my life. I realized that some days are easier than others. Life almost seems surreal at times.

Anyway, would have loved to pop into Iraq but he is in Kuwait now. I almost thought about getting passport and calling him from the airport once I landed, just to surprise him. My mom and sister thought that it was too far away from the kids.

2Much, everyone is correct, honesty is the best policy. I havn't gotten all the information as far as accounts, but know him after 27 years, so basically told him what I expected and he is willingly complying. He is contractor now, but after this, never again. One thing I learned that money is not worth the sadness I see in my children and myself being away from husband

[This message edited by alexanderl42 at 2:58 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]


Posts: 529 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Tennessee
Despisn3rdWorld
♀ Member
Member # 18660
Default  Posted: 11:56 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((2much2handle))

Welcome to SI but sorry for the circumstances!
I fully agree with the work computer. I was able to go in after hours...don't get me wrong...he deleted it before I saw it...but he didn't realize that I could retrieve it...and he didn't think I would check all the drives and all his disks. My FWH made it part of his work day as well as part of his deployment...so therefore warranted a look-see from me...and boy did I find! You know how it works at his job and when is an opportune time...use it if you can. Until I was able to do that, he always gave me the answer of he didn't know why OW was hanging on and he never told her or promised her anything...had I not seen what I did...looking back, I believe that he would have tried to keep that info to himself. Go with your gut always if it's making you spill over.


BS - ME
FWS - HIM
Discovery - 03/12/07 made the heartwrenching, body shakin call...
Should have went with my gut a lot sooner...
Total Recon!

Posts: 521 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Overseas
Brave Latina
New Member
Member # 19774
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi I am new to the forums,And I so relieve to find people in my same "situations".My stories are longer and painful..H,has been cheating on me again,for the third time..in 14 yrs.and My self-esteem,is in the floor,right now,My Fam.lives in Puerto Rico,And I dont have too many friends in The USA.,I just found out thought E-Mails,Pictures,and of course,the famous classmates..They have been chating since 06;and the OW,used to be one of his EX-G,From HS...He is also a Federal Worker,and I can not log on the Co.Computer..He used to have a password in our H. computer,in which ,I was not able to "open",until I confronted him In front of our M.C,..Also ha was having a PA,wITH another soldier in Afganistan,I dont now for sure,if that was a PA,but,common!!, you dont send her flowers for Valentine,and I founn pictures of the 2d OW,in his blackberryPH..I sorry that this post its so long( I am still working with my Grammar),But I feel,!!,We are still in counseling,and they suspect a problem with SA..YOU KNOW..I feel devastated,and just tired of his bahavior,He just says to me that he has been fight his "demons" for about 2 yrs.And its blames evething to the PSTD,Gees,H got back one yr. ago!!,Any advice,apreciated..Latina

Posts: 11 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Midsouth
Despisn3rdWorld
♀ Member
Member # 18660
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, June 4th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Brave Latina! I'm not familiar with the whole PTSD but someone with experience will I'm sure be able to share their knowledge. How long was he in the desert? If he's been chatting since '06...I don't think that portion has anything to do with PTSD...go with your gut and stay strong.


BS - ME
FWS - HIM
Discovery - 03/12/07 made the heartwrenching, body shakin call...
Should have went with my gut a lot sooner...
Total Recon!

Posts: 521 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Overseas
Soldiersgirl
♀ Member
Member # 8188
Default  Posted: 2:38 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*hugs* I'm so sorry you have to be here. I'm not buying the PTSD excuse though. It wasn't his first offense since you said he's cheated 3 times in your 14 years together. It honestly sounds like he's using it as a get out of jail free card. Part of recovering is to get to the root of the problem. the WHY he cheated. Until he faces that "demon" and learns to deal with it, you are at risk of dealing with yet another A.

I also want to say that I do NOT in anyway recommend sneaking onto your spouses government computer. If you are caught you can get both yourself and your spouse into some serious hot water. Don't put yourself at risk to save his neck. If you are truly that concerned, then the CoC should be notified. At least then the only person getting fried is the spouse and rightly so. Despisin, I'm glad you didn't get caught, but please don't take that risk again.


You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. ~ Henny Youngman
No man was ever shot by his wife while doing the dishes. ~ Anon
It takes two to make a marriage a success and only one to make it a failure. ~ Herbert Samuel

Posts: 1375 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: Louisiana
Brave Latina
New Member
Member # 19774
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, June 5th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank You,Ladies for all your support and welcome me to the forums,I have to say that,I Did not went over his Co.compt.,its federal,I am not allowed there..I went over our personal Compt.,after The H,gave me his PSW.to enter in his page...I was soooupset I when I confonted him,he was crying like a little baby,Gees!,And I think that was a way to manipulate the situation..I need some more advice,,all that he was saying its that they were only friends,and the she was able to listen to him better than,me!!,Yeah right! ,I need you some advice,this e mail that I found a month ago was very disturbing..:he was saying: and quote: "youre my drug and I did not get a fix today,well I did but It wasnt enough..its always good conversation between us,at times we dont learn,and commit the same offenses,time after time",Please,any advice,I found this In April,and I am still cant let it go,We still in MC,and still denied everything!!,sorry so long,need to let it out,any advice,thanks,and God bless!

Posts: 11 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Midsouth
resilientspouse
♀ Member
Member # 18184
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question for you all. For those of you whose WH's had an A with a military OW. It's been 6months since D-Day and I'm thinking about emailing the OW. One of the reasons why I haven't is first she really was a non issue for me when I found out about the A. WH had the A during deployment to Iraq. The second reason is as soon as OW group came back (WH's deployment was 8months while OW was 12months) everyone in that group had heard the relationship rumor. A friend of ours told us she had told her friends and ex-boyfriend who were there with her on the deployment. You know how word spreads. Before that no one knew anything. She opened her big mouth when my husband wrote her the NC letter. So she then blabbed. Reason why she didn't go to the command is she wants to be a career military whore. So it would ruin those plans. If I wrote her I'm afraid she might keep talking, and someone might over hear who wants to look into this. Anyway I hope your all following this. Those were my reasons why not. My question. Did any of you contact the OW? If so was it worth it?


Me ~BS 30 years old
Him ~WS 31 years old
3 Kids ~ 11,8, and 1
Married 9 years
D-day 11-27-07
R ~ 12-20-07 - and continuing



Posts: 52 | Registered: Feb 2008
Despisn3rdWorld
♀ Member
Member # 18660
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, June 5th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Soldiersgirl: You are totally right in not sneaking in. In my case, we were able to go during the later hours so that the rest of the office wouldn't know. My FWH's officer knew...and allowed FWH to do what he had to. Having said that, the officer told him to take care of it and should *I* approach the officer with the situation, then he would *act* on it. But most often than not, there are a lot of spouses who do visit offices during lunch or whatever, especially overseas so it's still possible to look. But I am in total agreement and apologize in my haste to answer.

Brave Latina:

youre my drug and I did not get a fix today,well I did but It wasnt enough
If it wasn't a PA than it looks like an EA to me. Especially since he told you that she listens better than you.

resilientspouse: For what reason would you go to the OW? I ask only because you said she was a non-issue in the beginning...or did I misunderstand your post? The way that it sounds is that she is just reacting off of your WH's NC letter. IDK...maybe her pride got crushed and then reacted...but I would let it be if she is not contacting your WH. In my case, yes, I did speak to the OW...but that was because I called the number that I found on his cell bill...at that point, my heart dropped...hence my valid discovery.

[This message edited by Despisn3rdWorld at 8:59 PM, June 5th (Thursday)]


BS - ME
FWS - HIM
Discovery - 03/12/07 made the heartwrenching, body shakin call...
Should have went with my gut a lot sooner...
Total Recon!

Posts: 521 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Overseas
Piper317
♀ Member
Member # 15330
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Holy hotness Batman!!! It's just about triple digits here. I just wanted to check in on everyone. I am hoping that the dormancy of this thread means that at least some of you are enjoying life and possibly the return of loved ones.....


Married 8 years, together 11
BS(me)-34 FWH-37 d-day 7/3/07
♥R!R!R!♥
Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.
Let your clarity define you.
"Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable." ~The Wizard

Posts: 1476 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New York
Mousse242
♀ Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Army_Wife in General really needs some help. Anyone and everyone, please!!!!!!

Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
mm32
♀ New Member
Member # 19856
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, June 12th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted under "Just found out"


But.... i found out while visiting my WH overseas that he had been having an affair with another Active duty girl for the last 6 months.

He says that he wants to work things out with me...

but seriously how the hell are we supposed to work things out when I came back to the states 2 weeks after I found out???

He won't ever talk to me about it either... but still claims he wants to work things through....


How am I suppposed to work on this with him if he wont do anything or say anything except he wants things to be better and normal again.

It's like he thinks it's magically supposed to all resolve itself.



D-Day May 12th 2008

Posts: 17 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: MI
DownNotOut
♀ Member
Member # 10076
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, June 12th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((mm32)))
I am so sorry that you are here but so happy you have found us.

If you need to talk, feel free to PM me. I found out while FWH was home on leave over 2 years ago.

We're here to listen, weep, rage with you, whatever you need.

Hang in there.

DNO


"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."
~ nimbyone

"Beauty is between one's ears anyway, isn't it?"
~ bkewidow


Posts: 1606 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Unemployed and Hating It
Soldiersgirl
♀ Member
Member # 8188
Default  Posted: 6:05 AM, June 15th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry you have to be here hon. I totally understand where you are coming frmo though. Our Dday occured just after FWH returned from a deployment but before I had moved out to join him. It's my humble opinion tha tunless you make it a condition of reconciliation to deal with it, you're not going to heal. I'm glad he feels remorseful, but right now he needs to put his feelings of guilt aside and help you with the pain he caused you.

If you are christian I highly recommend you get the book Shattered Vows. It helps you make sense of things so much.

Which base ar eyou supposed to go to may I ask?

If you do choose to meet him there, I would definetly call Military Onesource or a Chaplain and attend MC. Even if he won't agree to MC, try to seek Indivicual Counseling for yourself. You're in for a gamut of emotioins and sometimes it takes outside help (not suually in the form of friends or family because they are more invested in slapping a bandaid over the pain then actually helping you through it) to sort things out within yourself. Your priority is healing you. Your husbands priority should be healing you. He brought this devestation into your lives and sweeping it under the rug is absolutely NOT acceptable.


You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. ~ Henny Youngman
No man was ever shot by his wife while doing the dishes. ~ Anon
It takes two to make a marriage a success and only one to make it a failure. ~ Herbert Samuel

Posts: 1375 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: Louisiana
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