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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Military Deployment/Affairs
ragingalone
Member
Member # 17029
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, March 29th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am going to post this here because I really don't know where else to go.
Last night, I was out with a friend of mine. We are childhood friends and we both happen to be married to deployed military men (actually her husband use to be friends with my husband until we all had a falling out). We start drinking and start talking about how much we want our husbands home, how we miss sex, etc. She mentioned to me that she is tempted to tell her husband that he could have a one night stand if she could.
I tell her there is no way that I could do that but that I was going to cut myself off at 2 drinks because I tend to get rather 'friendly' and I don't want to put myself in a situation that I am going to regret later.
She continues to drink and the conversation of sex comes up again later in the night. I tell her, I can see where it is easy to put yourself in the situation where an A is likely to happen and how 'having drinks out with the girls' can turn into something bad within a matter of minutes (i.e. dancing close to someone and they cross the line to kiss you, etc). She says that if she could honestly get away with it, she would probably do it. I tell her, "I don't know if I can do that but I do get to a point from lack of sex where I look at men and try to picture them naked". (that was my drinking talking) This morning I woke up and realized that I do not want to go out with her again. I think it's SO weird to see how people feel about infidelity when they haven't had it shatter their world into a million pieces.

[This message edited by ragingalone at 10:16 AM, March 29th (Saturday)]


Together - 9/17/2002 Busted him EA - 9/17/2007 (5 years EXACTLY after we got together)
Reconciling and renewed vows - 2/2/2008
D-day#2- 8/12/08 (another EA & profile)Seperated
D-day#3- 10/01/08 PA with OW#1
Filed for Divorce- 11/21/08

Posts: 275 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: heartbreak hotel
LMigs528
♀ Member
Member # 13536
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, March 29th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RA -
I know you miss your FWH soooooooo much. And I know your sad and frusturated. And every once in a while a little Jack or Capt. help lol. But I think your friend may be borderline toxic. Anyone who says they would have an affair if they could get away with it its missing a few crayons in the moral crayon box, kwim? You know as a BS what it feels like, and I dont think you would ever change roles. But it is amazing how people try to find infidelity loopholes in marriage. You just gotta kinda shake your head because those are the people that just dont get a deployment for what it really is.


Just so lost... I hope this road I choose to travel will help Me get found.

Posts: 939 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Long Island, NY
ragingalone
Member
Member # 17029
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, March 30th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're right, LMigs. She is toxic. I was telling my friend who introduced me to my husband about what happened and where my other friend wants to go the next time we go out (there will be no next time though). The friend that I was talking to said "You know that's just a huge meatmarket, right? Why the hell does she want to go there?" It made me so SICK knowing that my other friend is doing exactly that- trying to find a loophole. NASTY!!

And just a side comment- LMigs, you put an F in front of my husband's name. I have been unable to do that out of fear but yesterday, I realized that my husband is doing EVERYTHING that I am requesting (and a little more) to save our marriage. So I am going to put a little bit of faith into him and our marriage and start saying FWH.
I said it before, and I am going to say it again. If I could, I would SO hug you.


Together - 9/17/2002 Busted him EA - 9/17/2007 (5 years EXACTLY after we got together)
Reconciling and renewed vows - 2/2/2008
D-day#2- 8/12/08 (another EA & profile)Seperated
D-day#3- 10/01/08 PA with OW#1
Filed for Divorce- 11/21/08

Posts: 275 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: heartbreak hotel
sunkissed
♀ Member
Member # 15770
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all! I'm going to reintroduce myself.
My name is sunkissed and I'm also married to a man in the military. We've been luck so far. Since our M (6 1/2 yrs ago) he has not been deployed. Of course he was while we were dating but at that time I only had my first child from my first M. We now have 3 kids altogether.
His A happened over the summer while attending college. He was a nuke for about 11 yrs when he had finally had enough and got accepted to the MCEP (?) program. He then became a full fledge student but still an active duty military man. Pretty much we got to live like civilians for 2 and 1/2 years. His A happened during his 2nd to last semester.

So there's a bit of a background. Feel free to read the whole gory details in my profile (which I should probably update).

Fast forward to now. Our relationship is going GREAT! We've been working through our issues and healing from the A.

He graduated school, and was just recently shipped off to ODS school (which is a training school for Officers). This is our first time apart since being M (like this anyway). Besides the anxiety I have about him being gone and the realization that his career of choice is mostly made up of 90% women, I am struggling with emotions that come up while he is gone. Such as questions that pop up about the A (they are very few and far between TG!) or little insecurities due to the A. Things that we have always been able to talk about whenever I needed too and work through until we both feel we have overcome that certain issue or validated a feeling either one of us were having (believe it or not, he has triggers as well about what occurred). Here's where I run into my deliema. We are able to talk to each other every night (yay for cell phones). During the week, it's mostly him just checking in with me, asking how things are and talking to the kids and me for a long as he can. Most of the time it's short conversations. During the weekend, we've been able to chitchat anytime during the day and we actually text the hell out of each other. We're at about the halfway mark of his training and all of a sudden I'm starting to feel anxious and just starting to have stupid questions about the A or maybe just acknowledge something that happened or just want to talk about it a little bit. But I feel extremely quilty for bringing it up. I realize he has a lot that he deals with during the day as far as the training, classes and PT and responsibilities they bestow upon him. I just can't bring myself to bring up the topic of the A in anyway shape or form. I know he does not need that extra stress from me right now and yet, I will sometimes become angry feeling I should be justified in talking about it whenever I feel like it since he is the one that brought this horrible situations to our lives. Please keep in mind he has owned his shit and has always been remorseful and dedicated to healing us and our M. So I feel I just should cut him a break during his time there so he can focus on his job and get the things done he needs to do so he can come home.

The problem is, I don't have anyone else I can talk to about these triggers or questions I have. Certainly not my parents and siblings, who are supportive, but have given me the impression that I should be getting past this by now. (which to my credit I have to say I'm doing pretty damn good except for the occasional moments when the thought or memory of anything that has to do with the A pops into my mind and breaks off a piece of my heart all over again.)

So what do I do? Should I feel justified in wanting to talk to him about this when the opportunity arises? Or should I wait it out?

I have thought about writing all these thoughts and triggers/concerns down in my journal to go over with him when he returns but at the same time, I don't know if they would show the importance of these emotions when read weeks later and most likely when we are both on the high of him being home again.

What to do? What do you do when your SO's are deployed/out to sea/ or away in training when you have limited contact?

Thank you for taking the time to read this and I appreciate any thoughts or advice you can give me.


Sunkissed

Me: BS, 34
FWS: 34

D-day #1 (I thought it was just an EA): July 8th, 2007

D-day #2 (found out was actual PA): July 17th, 2007

D-day #3 - Our anniversary. July 21, 2007.


Posts: 437 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: NC
ArmyWife08
♀ Member
Member # 17668
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

just testing....I tried to post earlier on here and it didn't go thru

Posts: 632 | Registered: Jan 2008
ragingalone
Member
Member # 17029
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome sunkissed.
I would recommend talking to him. As much as my husband has owned up to his 'shit', whenever I have a trigger or insecurities, I talk to him. There have been a few times that he has said 'I thought we were past this' and I said as long as I have hurt from what he did, I am going to want to talk about it so I don't bottle it up and become resentful towards him. He understands (as much as he could without having his heart ripped out of his chest from an A) and is patient with me when I am having a bad day with triggers.
My advice is communication is key. Communication is what has saved my marriage so far. And if you don't want to talk to your husband about it, you can talk to us. SI is a wonderful group of people here, with wonderful advice and a shoulder for you to lean on.


Together - 9/17/2002 Busted him EA - 9/17/2007 (5 years EXACTLY after we got together)
Reconciling and renewed vows - 2/2/2008
D-day#2- 8/12/08 (another EA & profile)Seperated
D-day#3- 10/01/08 PA with OW#1
Filed for Divorce- 11/21/08

Posts: 275 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: heartbreak hotel
sunkissed
♀ Member
Member # 15770
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you ragingalone.
The thing is, is that I had started to bring up an issue I was having by saying, 'if you have a few moments, I would like to talk to you about some issues that are bothering me' and his reply back was, 'well if you really want me to pay attention and listen, we're going to have to do this tomorrow'. I don't know, I am probably blowing it out of porportion (and this was a few days ago) but it still hurts my feelings. Which reinforces that fact that I should just bite my tongue until he comes home. I know he's tired, especially during the week. I know he's up at 4:30 every morning and is go-go-go until around 10. But still.

As far as communication goes, we have been GREAT at that while he's here. And I know it's hard for him to have discussions with me since most of the time his bunk mate is in the same room with him so it makes it awkward (thus the texting). I just don't know what to do about it. I don't want it to fester but damn it, he doesn't need me bringing this up when it's hard for him to discuss these things with me b/c of lack of privacy. Ugh.

On a side note - I had a sad realization over the Easter weekend. I realized that even with all the progress we've made and all the devoting ourselves to each other that the trust I had for him was completely destoyed. I question EVERYTHING. Before things wouldn't bother me but now, omg. For instants, he's the squad leader (I think that's it), plus he's prior enlisted with a lot more time under his belt than most of the other people there. So they constantly come to him for questions or advice. My husband THRIVES on being 'the man' and he loves the attention (which is partly to blame for his A). Anyway, they all have dorms, with two people to each dorm. During the day, the doors are open at all times. Well, I guess FWH let a female use his computer in his room for some sort of something. Then, when we were on the phone another female came in and asked his so and so was still there. I'm sorry but I started to FREAK out. I know this isn't college like dorms but still. How hard would it be to be able to do something that you shouldn't do with a member of the opposite sex? Not hard at all in my book. We had a fight about it and he tried to tell me that I don't know how it is there and that there is no way something like that could happen. He said all his shipmates come to him for advice and he was just helping them out.
I called bullshit and said I do not care if you're the big man on campus there, you will not let other women in your dorm or use your computer. Why doesn't he realize these things? I think he sees these as him just being the nice guy but all that has changed b/c of his A. And the fact that he let this other woman use his computer sent off a huge trigger for me. Him and his OW used to sneak into the college library and use his computer to look at porn while she would give him bj's.

It honestly just sucks. Ever since that incident, I feel as if I have been on a downward spiral of sorts. My trust in him is broken. How in god's name can I trust him to stay true to his word? I mean, he's gonna do what he's gonna do but at the same time, it is such a huge leap of faith for me to let that go and just accept the fact that if he's going to cheat again, I can't stop him. I have to have faith that he's recognized in himself the things that lead to the A in the first place.

I freak'n hate this. I really do.


Sunkissed

Me: BS, 34
FWS: 34

D-day #1 (I thought it was just an EA): July 8th, 2007

D-day #2 (found out was actual PA): July 17th, 2007

D-day #3 - Our anniversary. July 21, 2007.


Posts: 437 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: NC
Despisn3rdWorld
♀ Member
Member # 18660
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Sunkissed)))
I really do feel for you in your situation. During my FWH's situation, he had other people who had to stop by his room...but brought along their GF...luckily my FWH told the guy that the GF had to stay outside the door. One service woman had family troubles back home with money and was traveling back but couldn't afford a room for one night and asked my FWH if she could stay with him for one night...the nerve...hubby said no and relayed her dilemma up the chain...so she she stayed on a cot at work which is manned 24 hrs. The Reservation coordinator calling trying to mix in business conversation with overstepping friendly conversations. OMG...I could go on with that place...but hey...my FWH told them when it was encountered that he felt it was inappropriate and that his wife would not appreciate it. Funny thing...with this particular country...it's "oh...I understand"...but they never stop...but he would always repeat when necessary. UGH...bottom line...your man needs to be "The Man" for you...if he can afford time for someone to utilize his computer or time to conversate...he can afford to practice his officer skills of health and welfare. If you don't have that squared away...what good are they?


BS - ME
FWS - HIM
Discovery - 03/12/07 made the heartwrenching, body shakin call...
Should have went with my gut a lot sooner...
Total Recon!

Posts: 521 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Overseas
LMigs528
♀ Member
Member # 13536
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...bottom line...your man needs to be "The Man" for you..

This is what it all boils down to. I think we can all fairly say that no matter what the circumstances have been about the As weve all dealt with, our FWS was NOT being the person for us. And in successful R, thats when they pull their heads from their behind and realize its what they have to and should be doing.

Welcome Sunkissed. I am glad you found us but not that you are here. I agree with what everyone has told you. You need constant reassurance that not only is he being faithful, that he is being honest. And while its hard to be transparent in the military, he has to be.

I Love You Too RA!! :) Maybe well have to meet up for lunch or something one day!


Just so lost... I hope this road I choose to travel will help Me get found.

Posts: 939 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Long Island, NY
ragingalone
Member
Member # 17029
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LMigs, I sent you a PM.


Together - 9/17/2002 Busted him EA - 9/17/2007 (5 years EXACTLY after we got together)
Reconciling and renewed vows - 2/2/2008
D-day#2- 8/12/08 (another EA & profile)Seperated
D-day#3- 10/01/08 PA with OW#1
Filed for Divorce- 11/21/08

Posts: 275 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: heartbreak hotel
LMigs528
♀ Member
Member # 13536
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Quick Check In:

Things here are great!! FWH should be home soon (though a few days ago it could have been otherwise).

How is everyone??

Esp. Kayti??


Just so lost... I hope this road I choose to travel will help Me get found.

Posts: 939 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Long Island, NY
DownNotOut
♀ Member
Member # 10076
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Everyone!

Just under a couple months and counting! I'm getting so excited and nervous. What will make this different than last time? From a distance he sounds and he acts like he's changed, but there's always that nagging in the back of my head. It says, "He only seems to have changed because it is an all male command and he is deperately lonely with no one to stroke his ego. He hates it there, so you seem better to him than the alternative, right now."

It's always the "right now" that gets me. I don't want to be going through this again a year down the road. Conversely, I wonder if my suspicions and inability to let go of my stranglehold will be the death of our marriage.

Crap! I'm scared!


"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."
~ nimbyone

"Beauty is between one's ears anyway, isn't it?"
~ bkewidow


Posts: 1606 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Unemployed and Hating It
ragingalone
Member
Member # 17029
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even though I have probably said it a few times in this topic, I am going to say it again- I HATE deployments. They suck!
So there are rumors that are going around that my husband IS coming back early and it's making me sick knowing that I am going to be here in nursing school while he will be on the other side of the country at his duty station for 9 more months... YES, 9 months AFTER he comes back until he ETS's. That will make it one month shy of 2 years since we last lived together.
It kills me and I am starting to feel guilty for even going to school in the first place. I feel like maybe my marriage won't survive because I am being selfish and doing this for ME (well, and my family too but mostly it's something that I have been wanting to do and finally just said 'fuck it, I'm going to do it' after I found out about the A). I am sure that it is my insecurities talking here but fuck! I feel bad that I will not be there when he comes home for him to even have a home to come home to (and could I have said home anymore in that sentence?! LOL).
Eh, I think I am just super stressed with school and trying to juggle being a mom, housekeeper, student, and wife. It's SO much work! I wish I could just have my husband HERE with me. It would/could make all the difference in the world. Which brings me full circle back to what I was saying in the beginning... I HATE deployments.

PS.
LMigs, and DownNotOut... I am HAPPY to hear of your homecomings!! I LOVE homecomings!!


Together - 9/17/2002 Busted him EA - 9/17/2007 (5 years EXACTLY after we got together)
Reconciling and renewed vows - 2/2/2008
D-day#2- 8/12/08 (another EA & profile)Seperated
D-day#3- 10/01/08 PA with OW#1
Filed for Divorce- 11/21/08

Posts: 275 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: heartbreak hotel
alexanderl42
♀ Member
Member # 18947
Sad  Posted: 6:16 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just found SI, Military Deployment Affairs, and I can relate. My spouse retired (24 years AD) after both wars and became a contractor. During the wars, his high school girlfriend contacted him through classmates.com. She was writing and checking on him while in Iraq. After he retired, he took a contract job in the Middle East. They escalated contact with phone calls and emails. He came back on break and took off a couple of different times, for days without being able to be contacted. They intended on hooking up, this was indicated in the emails, but he and she have told me that nothing happened. I found out about the A, because he saved emails on notepad on a flashdrive. They were pretty descriptive, sexually. This all occured around three years ago. He keeps telling me it was a mistake and he came back. He is in Kuwait now and he will not go into details, just it was a mistake. I have a 26 year marriage and he keeps telling me it was a mistake, but this feeling still sucks. I am hoping when he is home this summer, the truth will come out. Am I expecting too much??????

[This message edited by alexanderl42 at 6:18 AM, April 7th (Monday)]


Posts: 529 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Tennessee
Soldiersgirl
♀ Member
Member # 8188
Default  Posted: 2:04 AM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alex,

the truth is never too much to expect. Doesn't matter if it occured five eminutes ago or fifteen years ago.


You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. ~ Henny Youngman
No man was ever shot by his wife while doing the dishes. ~ Anon
It takes two to make a marriage a success and only one to make it a failure. ~ Herbert Samuel

Posts: 1375 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: Louisiana
ragingalone
Member
Member # 17029
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alex,
I don't think that you are expecting too much from your husband. To work through it, he should face what he did and come clean with it (both to himself and to you) and help you in the healing process.
Regardless of how many times my husband and I have spoke about his EA, whenever I feel the need to bring it up and talk to him about it, my husband is patient with me and tries to be understanding with why I am asking him all of the same questions (it doesn't happen so much anymore but when it did, he was very transparent and never refused to talk about it once it was all out in the open).
Edited to clarify.

[This message edited by ragingalone at 9:18 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)]


Together - 9/17/2002 Busted him EA - 9/17/2007 (5 years EXACTLY after we got together)
Reconciling and renewed vows - 2/2/2008
D-day#2- 8/12/08 (another EA & profile)Seperated
D-day#3- 10/01/08 PA with OW#1
Filed for Divorce- 11/21/08

Posts: 275 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: heartbreak hotel
LMigs528
♀ Member
Member # 13536
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, April 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think that you are expecting too much from your husband. To work through it, he should face what he did and come clean with it (both to himself and to you) and help you in the healing process.
Regardless of how many times my husband and I have spoke about his EA, whenever I feel the need to bring it up and talk to him about it, my husband is patient with me and tries to be understanding with why I am asking him all of the same questions (it doesn't happen so much anymore but when it did, he was very transparent and never refused to talk about it once it was all out in the open).

Nicely said. I wanted to add, when he would "clam up" and lash out, it was because he was hiding something. So eventually I knew when he was lying. It worked in my favor ultimately but was really rough during the time. Just make sure you are persistant and lay out ground rules, without them they will try everywhich way to bend things. Good Luck!


Just so lost... I hope this road I choose to travel will help Me get found.

Posts: 939 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Long Island, NY
ragingalone
Member
Member # 17029
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, April 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am just checking in with everyone.
I am going through a fairly good patch right now, and I am starting to be able to fully trust my husband again. It feels great but I get insecure about how it is going to be when he gets back from Iraq and is at his duty station while I am here (at home of record) finishing nursing school. We actually discuss it a lot. I guess we will just see how things go when we go to cross that bridge. I need to get through this deployment first. LOL
More than anything, I am trying to have a little bit more faith; not only in him and our marriage, but myself as well.


Together - 9/17/2002 Busted him EA - 9/17/2007 (5 years EXACTLY after we got together)
Reconciling and renewed vows - 2/2/2008
D-day#2- 8/12/08 (another EA & profile)Seperated
D-day#3- 10/01/08 PA with OW#1
Filed for Divorce- 11/21/08

Posts: 275 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: heartbreak hotel
LMigs528
♀ Member
Member # 13536
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, April 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am just checking in with everyone.
I am going through a fairly good patch right now, and I am starting to be able to fully trust my husband again. It feels great but I get insecure about how it is going to be when he gets back from Iraq and is at his duty station while I am here (at home of record) finishing nursing school. We actually discuss it a lot. I guess we will just see how things go when we go to cross that bridge. I need to get through this deployment first. LOL
More than anything, I am trying to have a little bit more faith; not only in him and our marriage, but myself as well.

You are my sister I swear LOL.. I am in the same boat word for word!! Hang in there! We WILL make it thru this and better then we ever we before!!


Just so lost... I hope this road I choose to travel will help Me get found.

Posts: 939 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Long Island, NY
ragingalone
Member
Member # 17029
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, April 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We WILL make it thru this and better then we ever we before!!

Yes, we will!


Together - 9/17/2002 Busted him EA - 9/17/2007 (5 years EXACTLY after we got together)
Reconciling and renewed vows - 2/2/2008
D-day#2- 8/12/08 (another EA & profile)Seperated
D-day#3- 10/01/08 PA with OW#1
Filed for Divorce- 11/21/08

Posts: 275 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: heartbreak hotel
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