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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Military Deployment/Affairs
Soldiersgirl
♀ Member
Member # 8188
Default  Posted: 6:26 AM, September 27th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wouldn't want to get too bored with things

No shit. I mean obviously there's nothing to do. Damn the media for making us think that they actually do something...lol.

As for the worrying, yeah I 've got that in spades. I thought he was out there getting shot at. Turns out he was in Kuwait and the only "action" ((well other than the OW that is)) that he saw was during their three day HALO tournaments.

I should have known something was up when he got to see Return of the Sith the day it opened in the states.


You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. ~ Henny Youngman
No man was ever shot by his wife while doing the dishes. ~ Anon
It takes two to make a marriage a success and only one to make it a failure. ~ Herbert Samuel

Posts: 1375 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: Louisiana
FindingHope
♀ Member
Member # 15761
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, September 27th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In today's Washington Post, the Ask Amy column:

Dear Amy:

My husband is in the military and serving his third tour in Iraq. I trust my husband to remain faithful to me and professional in his job when he is away.

The last time he came home, however, things were different. He spent hours on the phone with one of his "friends," and when I asked who it was he lied and told me he was speaking to a guy friend of his from Iraq, trying to help him through some tough times. Then I learned he was talking to a woman he became friends with in Iraq.

When I asked him to stop, he promised he would not speak to her again.

I recently received an anonymous letter in the mail accusing my husband of having an affair with this woman. The letter said that they had been living together in Iraq and that he had ruined her marriage.
I sent a copy of the letter to my husband, and he said there was no truth to it. Then I received a phone call from this woman's former father-in-law accusing my husband of the same things that the letter had said. My husband again denied everything.

I believe my husband, but I do not know what to think about this letter and call. I do not know why people would intentionally add stress to our already stressful situation.

My husband told me that I just needed to accept the fact that there are mean people in the world and that bad things sometimes happen to good people. I know he is right. Am I silly for letting this get to me?

Confused Army Wife

Amy's response:

Of course you believe your husband, and of course I do not. Your husband is right in this regard, however: There are mean people in this world, and bad things sometimes do happen to good people.

The fact that your husband is in the midst of his third deployment adds many layers to this story; I can only imagine the strain that both of you are under. However, not even war gives your husband a pass to cheat, then lie to you and then lie to you some more.

You might not want to know the details of what is going on here, and if so, I don't blame you, but regardless of what you believe, you need support from other military spouses. Check with your base chaplain's office to see if there are spouse support groups you can join.
I'd also like to recommend two books: "Under the Sabers: The Unwritten Code of Army Wives," by Tanya Biank (St. Martin's Press, 2006) and "While They're at War: The True Story of American Families on the Homefront," by Kristin Henderson (Houghton Mifflin, 2006). "Under the Sabers" was the inspiration for the popular Lifetime television series "Army Wives."


Posts: 456 | Registered: Aug 2007
Soldiersgirl
♀ Member
Member # 8188
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, September 27th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have both of those books, and neither one deals with cheating army jerks. wtf? And am I the only one who wants to reach through that letter and smack some sense into the trusting idiot?


You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. ~ Henny Youngman
No man was ever shot by his wife while doing the dishes. ~ Anon
It takes two to make a marriage a success and only one to make it a failure. ~ Herbert Samuel

Posts: 1375 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: Louisiana
LMigs528
♀ Member
Member # 13536
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, September 27th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would LOVE for there to be a book about cheating and the military. Heck, I would love to write the book! IMO cheating is TOTALLY different in the military life verses civi cheating. There are a lot more variables to the equation. I am not saying one has preference over the other, but things have to be gone about a while different way.


Just so lost... I hope this road I choose to travel will help Me get found.

Posts: 939 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Long Island, NY
Betrayedbookworm
♀ Member
Member # 16289
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, September 27th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would LOVE for there to be a book about cheating and the military.

Me too! Lately I've been wondering a lot about affairs (ok given that I'm posting on SI, that's a little like saying "Lately I've been breathing") and the military, especially wondering about WWII, for some reason.

I always figured that relationships during WWII were gallant and chivalrous and proper, and that the men were faithful to their wives/fiances/girlfriends back home.

But now, given my new (tainted!) perspective, I'm wondering if there wasn't a bunch of philandering going on. If my grandmother could have tapped into her husband's email account (errr, letters?) would she have stumbled upon something terrible?

Incidentally, I also read "While They're at War: The True Story of American Families on the Homefront," by Kristin Henderson, which Amy recommended in that article.

I read it during my suspicious period, when I was angry with myself for doubting H and I wanted to get a better understanding of what he was going through so I could be more supportive and understanding. A) The book didn't help much and B) The A was confirmed shortly thereafter.

I do think though, that the military + deployment + cheating topic is a fascinating one (as well as painful and heartbreaking and infuriating)


Me - BS
Him - WS

Posts: 200 | Registered: Sep 2007
Soldiersgirl
♀ Member
Member # 8188
Default  Posted: 3:14 AM, September 28th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, who remembers that episode on the unit where they found the letter in the WW2 jeep and thought it ws goodbye to his wife when it turned out to be a love letter to his gay partner?


You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. ~ Henny Youngman
No man was ever shot by his wife while doing the dishes. ~ Anon
It takes two to make a marriage a success and only one to make it a failure. ~ Herbert Samuel

Posts: 1375 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: Louisiana
Drowning
♀ Member
Member # 13057
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, September 28th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm basically in the same boat as you guys, except that my spouse was a civilian contractor.
He's deployed once again, and I'm not really sure how I feel about it. Things were okay while he was home, but once he left again, I can't help but have that gut-wrenching fear once in awhile that I'm going to find myself at square 1 again.

Deployments are horrible. You really have no way of knowing what's going on when you're not there. Not that a person REALLY ever knows what another is up to even if they're living together, but I'm sure you all understand what it is I'm trying to say.

Out of curiosity, am I the only spouse out there that wishes she had some good military friends (or civilians) un-known to their spouse that also happen to be deployed to the same base/camp/area?

I didn't quite word that too great...I just wish there was someone who could verify his good or bad behavior over there.



D-Day: 10/16/2006
2007-RECONCILED
We're Happy, Content, In Love, and just had baby #2! CLOUD 9!

Posts: 718 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Cloud 9
Betrayedbookworm
♀ Member
Member # 16289
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, September 28th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Out of curiosity, am I the only spouse out there that wishes she had some good military friends (or civilians) un-known to their spouse that also happen to be deployed to the same base/camp/area?

Nope! I feel the same way. That would be a dream come true (in the relative sense). The way it is now, it's like WS has months and months of being completely unaccountable. I'm guessing this isn't helping him act with integrity

Hell, now I'm wondering if some of the people don't even know he's married!

I found out that our one mutual friend who is deployed with WS was told by their staff sargeant in January to "look out for [WS's] morals" in regard to the girl who is now OW. So the staff sargeant was noticing something fishy all the way back then.

OH, but how great would it be to have under-the-radar friends there!

Drowning, I'm so sorry your spouse is deployed again -- the distance makes it so hard to try and R!! ((((((drowning))))))

[This message edited by Betrayedbookworm at 6:48 AM, September 28th (Friday)]


Me - BS
Him - WS

Posts: 200 | Registered: Sep 2007
Drowning
♀ Member
Member # 13057
Default  Posted: 6:52 AM, September 28th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank-you BetrayedBookWorm- it's nice to know I'm not the only one here in this section who feels this way or who ever thought/wished that.


D-Day: 10/16/2006
2007-RECONCILED
We're Happy, Content, In Love, and just had baby #2! CLOUD 9!

Posts: 718 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Cloud 9
Piper317
♀ Member
Member # 15330
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, September 28th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Betrayedbookworm:
I have not read any of the books myself but I, too, have been wondering about WWII lately. As a miltary BS, I started thinking about my grandparents and remembered (out of the blue) one day that my father had told me that my grandfather had had "relationships" while stationed overseas. It crushed me to hear that as I was only a teen. I defended my grandfather's honor and said he would NEVER do that to which my father curtly replied, "A lot of men did it. They thought they might never make it home." Now, being a BS, it makes me angry all over again. But, in some odd way, I find strength in my grandparents' relationship. Let me explain: While it was obviously something never ever spoken of (for reasons even more obvious to me now), my grandmother knew. It was not right on any level, but she chose to accept his faults and his mistakes and loved him anyway. They were married over 40 years when she passed. Now, I am by no means condoning it but my grandmotehr was one of the strongest women I have ever met. She never let anything keep her down, not even cancer. I see her strength in a new light now that I am a BS. And I truly find some comfort in knowing that I can (and will be) be as strong as her.

My FWH just went TDY yesterday to return to the place where the A happened. Let's see if I can channel my grandmother's strength for the next 4 months.....


Married 8 years, together 11
BS(me)-34 FWH-37 d-day 7/3/07
♥R!R!R!♥
Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.
Let your clarity define you.
"Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable." ~The Wizard

Posts: 1476 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New York
Piper317
♀ Member
Member # 15330
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, September 28th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is anyone in a situation in which OW or OM is in close proximity (or works with) WS? The OW in my case is only about a 30 minute drive from where we live.

Unfortunately, yes...with a twist. The A happened while FWH was TDY this spring and he was home for the summer and had to go back yesterday. For 4 more months. 1800 miles away. And she is enlisted too. They met bc she worked in a section he had to deal with a lot. So now, they will be on the same base again but he won't have to deal with that particular section (there is NO reason to) so I have to take a leap here and hope he keeps up his end of the deal. It is not going to be easy but we are working hard at R and there has been NC.


Married 8 years, together 11
BS(me)-34 FWH-37 d-day 7/3/07
♥R!R!R!♥
Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.
Let your clarity define you.
"Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable." ~The Wizard

Posts: 1476 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New York
Betrayedbookworm
♀ Member
Member # 16289
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, September 28th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Piper317,
That's exactly the kind of thing that I've been thinking about!

But, in some odd way, I find strength in my grandparents' relationship

I can completely understand that. And I think that the situation you described involving your grandparents was probably more common than anybody thinks. Piper, your grandmother sounds like she was an amazingly strong, resilient woman.

I would love to talk to a WWII wife who went through this. Now, that would be a fascinating book!

Earlier this month, my sister sent me a New York Times article titled "Tell-All PCs and Phones Transforming Divorce" (for those who don't know, WH's A was revealed by email) and I said to her "What if there had been email in the 1940s?" She responded, "If there had been email in the 1940s the same thing would have
happened. Our tools change but we're still human beings."

(((((Piper317))))) It is so hard to be away from H and know that he is near the OW...
good to hear that R is going well though and he has maintained NC...that is HUGE!


Me - BS
Him - WS

Posts: 200 | Registered: Sep 2007
Piper317
♀ Member
Member # 15330
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, September 28th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(for those who don't know, WH's A was revealed by email)

Mine too. I suspected something when he was home for a week and did some detective work. Sadly, I was right.

I agree that 60 years ago, the results would have been the same but I pose this: without technology, many still *knew.* Imagine that 60 years from now, people will still be unfaithful in the very same ways but resources for discovery will be things we cannot imagine now. The fallout will never change.

Thanks, Betrayedbookworm, for the kind words about my situation and about my grandmother. She was 90 pounds soaking wet but had an Irish temper your dared never see. A true firecracker. I have really been feeling closer to her the past few weeks even though she's been gone for 18 years. Is that weird?

I, too, am curious about a WWII BS perspective.


(((hugs))) to you.


Married 8 years, together 11
BS(me)-34 FWH-37 d-day 7/3/07
♥R!R!R!♥
Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.
Let your clarity define you.
"Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable." ~The Wizard

Posts: 1476 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New York
wjozz
♂ New Member
Member # 16326
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, September 29th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My spouse had an affair while deployed 2 years ago. Reconciliation has been going well, albeit strained at times because I just don't think I will ever be able to fully trust them again. Early last week I recieved a phone call from a soldier who worked for her trying to locate her. The soldier said he got my number from her contact information and thought we were divorced but may still know how to reach her. When I told him we were not divorced he was quick to get off the phone. I asked him what the nature of the relationship was and he wouldn't say. I questioned my spouse about the call and she was puzzled. I think she was being honest but I am still very pissed. Military affairs absolutely suck. She is making a career out of the Army, which means there is an increased chance she will cross the individuals path again. After that phone call I am questioning whether reconciliation is really the answer. How have some of you in similiar situations handled this dilema?

Posts: 3 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: Oklahoma
Betrayedbookworm
♀ Member
Member # 16289
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, September 29th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wjozz, that is a tricky one. Could easily be nothing. Buuut as a BS, it is hard to suppress those feelings of "What's going on?" Becoming a BS sure does put your Gut Feeling Radar into overdrive, doesn't it?!

I haven't dealt with a situation like yours, but I would say that if reconciling has been going well for you two, I wouldn't call it quits just based on this phone call.

I am sorry you are going through this.


Me - BS
Him - WS

Posts: 200 | Registered: Sep 2007
Soldiersgirl
♀ Member
Member # 8188
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, September 29th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actually, I can kind of see how this would happen. I know many people who keep their personal contact information on AKO white pages and such. It's how we keep track of FWH's XW and where she's carted my SS off to this month.

Is it possible that in the midst of her idiocy she had talked about divorcing? AKO can be worse than Myspace about having unwanted people tracking you down, because you can't even set your shit to private...lol.

I understand about the trust thing too. We're two years out and I have my really good days where I dont' even think about it, and I have my bad days where I just can't get those negative thoughts out of my head.

I can see now that things do get better as time goes on, but things like that kind of phone call would definetly be a setback.

First things first, have your spouse take her contact information down. It's an invitation to trouble.


You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. ~ Henny Youngman
No man was ever shot by his wife while doing the dishes. ~ Anon
It takes two to make a marriage a success and only one to make it a failure. ~ Herbert Samuel

Posts: 1375 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: Louisiana
wjozz
♂ New Member
Member # 16326
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, September 29th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the reply's. I don't believe her information is on her AKO account. I have access to her AKO account and I have never seen any such information. I am really angry that this has happened after such a long time. I would have thought that after two years I would be past most of the anger, but I guess not.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: Oklahoma
dimplewimple
♀ Member
Member # 10092
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, September 29th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just popping in to say hi. I used to post when it was the other forum but most of the military people kinda waned.

My H was set to deploy in Jan. but was selected for a job that will keep him home for at least the next year.

This is good news and bad. Part of me needs him to leave. His A was while depolyed. You would think that I would be scared of him leaving again but we have done a tdy since and made it ok. To be honest I have no idea if I even want the marriage even though I am 2 1/2 years out from Dday.

Just wanted to say hi and offer support where I can.

Dimple


I type 17 words a minute so if this post is long it may not be full of wisdom but I sure put a lot of time in it!

BTW...I do type faster than Vanna though.

Another BTW...wishingitwasnt is far stronger than he knows.


Posts: 4988 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: New Jersey
LMigs528
♀ Member
Member # 13536
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, September 30th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is good news and bad. Part of me needs him to leave.

I totally feel you. I think that though deployments suck, this space and the reality of it for him has been a huge tool in helping him get it. He knows there are eyes and ears everywhere with him so he HAS to be on best behavior (esp. since when the guys in his Plt. found out they were pissed and disgusted). I suppose for me, it is bittersweet!


Just so lost... I hope this road I choose to travel will help Me get found.

Posts: 939 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Long Island, NY
landabear
♀ Member
Member # 15046
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, October 1st (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hell, now I'm wondering if some of the people don't even know he's married!

Looking back, there is one day burned into my memory, a day that should have sent me running for the hills long before I married ex.

He was at Ft. Lewis. I called one morning and got his roommate, and I asked for ex. The dude said "Can I tell him who's calling?" and I said "His fiance" and the dude said: "Finance?! Huh. Uh, can I have him call you back? What's your name?"

I mean SERIOUSLY. Supposedly he "talked about me all the time" and had my "pictures all over the room". Obviously, not enough that his ROOMMATE would know who the hell I was.


BS
Divorced: March 2006
Married to a wonderful, FAITHFUL man: October 2009

Posts: 740 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Midwest
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