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User Topic: Military Deployment/Affairs
Soldiersgirl
♀ Member
Member # 8188
Default  Posted: 2:01 AM, February 23rd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Amigs,

reconciling, especially during a deployment can be incredibly difficult. But Piper is right, the fact that you are here really does speak volumes. Some of the things that my FWH does to help me ((he's deployed too)) mainly consist of reassuring me and being completely open and honest. If we have something that triggers us or worries us, we talk about it. Part of what isolates during deployment is the desire to shelter one another from the bad, which tends to just breed resentment and trust issues. I really think you and Lmigs are on the right path. And you are more than welcome here.


You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. ~ Henny Youngman
No man was ever shot by his wife while doing the dishes. ~ Anon
It takes two to make a marriage a success and only one to make it a failure. ~ Herbert Samuel

Posts: 1375 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: Louisiana
ragingalone
Member
Member # 17029
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, February 23rd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think if it wasn't for SI and this forum, I would be so lost. You will find great advice and support here. Welcome.
My husband is deployed too and he recently just went back after R&R. I am having problems triggering now that he is gone again because my cousin's husband has been having an affair for the past 6 months. I actually called out his (cousin's husband) EA with the girl but I didn't see the PA coming. I don't think anyone did (my cousin and him are high school sweethearts and have been together nearly 8 years). So while my cousin has filed for divorce and her husband is giving two shits less about what she feels or thinks, I start to trigger on my husband's own infidelity with his EA. I start to wonder if it was ONLY an EA and not a PA too. It's horrible because we already went through all of this during R&R and I believed him at the time with my whole heart and soul. Now, I wonder if my 'gut' is trying to tell me something that I missed or if it's the triggers playing tricks on my emotions/fears/insecurities. I feel like every time I take one step forward, I take 2 steps back. It doesn't help that I haven't been able to speak with him for nearly a week. Is this normal? Please, anyone, tell me that this is normal. I am falling apart here.


Together - 9/17/2002 Busted him EA - 9/17/2007 (5 years EXACTLY after we got together)
Reconciling and renewed vows - 2/2/2008
D-day#2- 8/12/08 (another EA & profile)Seperated
D-day#3- 10/01/08 PA with OW#1
Filed for Divorce- 11/21/08

Posts: 275 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: heartbreak hotel
Piper317
♀ Member
Member # 15330
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, February 23rd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like every time I take one step forward, I take 2 steps back.Is this normal?

Yes, ragingalone, sadly I guess it is. My FWH has been gone for a year. (Training, not deployment) Distance is difficult without an A. I am about 8 months out from dday and it has yet to get easier. I mean, it is easier in some ways bc like everyone says, time helps. But every little snit we have seems (at least for me) to have an underlying link to the A. And when I cannot get intouch with him, well, I fall apart. That usually leads to a fight. It is a vicious cycle.

I just keep telling myself to breathe. Breathing is sometimes the only thing I can do with 100% certainty. And more imortantly, I breate for me. I am tired of this 2 step dance (1+,2-) as well. I long for the days of 5 steps forward and no steps back. In themean time, I am here, you are here and we are all inthis together. (((hugs)))


Married 8 years, together 11
BS(me)-34 FWH-37 d-day 7/3/07
♥R!R!R!♥
Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.
Let your clarity define you.
"Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable." ~The Wizard

Posts: 1476 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New York
ragingalone
Member
Member # 17029
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, February 23rd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for the response. I had to leave the house to get some air. I thought about it while doing some retail therapy and I know I am going to be okay. Some days are just harder than others. It's amazing what an A does your emotions. Sometimes I feel like I have split personalities from the highs and lows that I go through.


Together - 9/17/2002 Busted him EA - 9/17/2007 (5 years EXACTLY after we got together)
Reconciling and renewed vows - 2/2/2008
D-day#2- 8/12/08 (another EA & profile)Seperated
D-day#3- 10/01/08 PA with OW#1
Filed for Divorce- 11/21/08

Posts: 275 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: heartbreak hotel
Soldiersgirl
♀ Member
Member # 8188
Default  Posted: 2:53 AM, February 24th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's very normal. It was in another post but it's true entirely. An A conditions a BS to be suspicious, not to trust, to never believe that they have the full truth. Especially when trickle truth or or multiple Ddays are involved.

What you have to do once you are on the road to R is share those fears with your FWS so that they are aware of it, ((NOT in an accusatory manner)), allow them to reassure you, and make an active effort to believe them. When those fears enter your mind, cast them aside, say "I will not think that" and distract yourself until the thought has past. One of the worst things that the A destroys is trust and it has to be rebuilt conciously.


You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. ~ Henny Youngman
No man was ever shot by his wife while doing the dishes. ~ Anon
It takes two to make a marriage a success and only one to make it a failure. ~ Herbert Samuel

Posts: 1375 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: Louisiana
ragingalone
Member
Member # 17029
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, February 24th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What you have to do once you are on the road to R is share those fears with your FWS so that they are aware of it, ((NOT in an accusatory manner)), allow them to reassure you, and make an active effort to believe them.

He called today and I did exactly this. I shared with him my fears/triggers/insecurites and he told me that I had every right to feel those since I had been betrayed. Then he reassured me and said "there is nothing on this earth that could possibly make me want to jeaprodize our marriage again". I believe him and it feels GOOD!
I am sure that I am going to have my 'not-so-good' days and I want to thank everyone here for listening. You are all great.


Together - 9/17/2002 Busted him EA - 9/17/2007 (5 years EXACTLY after we got together)
Reconciling and renewed vows - 2/2/2008
D-day#2- 8/12/08 (another EA & profile)Seperated
D-day#3- 10/01/08 PA with OW#1
Filed for Divorce- 11/21/08

Posts: 275 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: heartbreak hotel
muddlingthrough
♀ Member
Member # 18350
Default  Posted: 3:36 AM, February 26th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Amigs,
in response to your earlier question...one of the best things that you (or any other deployed soldier) can do is to BE KIND!
As spouses waiting at home, we know you're going through a tough time. Please remember that it's not all roses here, either. Granted, I don't have to worry about IEDs when I go to Wal-Mart, the heat, the dirt, or Air Force skanks at the DFAC, etc., but I still watch the news, go to work every day (sometimes 50 hours a week or more), keep the bills paid, take care of the pets (some folks actually have human kids), have some smartass at the quickmart get ugly with me when I'm paying for gas, shovel snow by myself, and talk to your family ('cause soldiers never call mommy or big sisters enough) -lol-.
Sometimes a simple "I love you and I'm looking forward to coming home to you" is enough.
{but then again, I'm a low-maintenance chick}


Me...just me...my experiences have made me what I am.
Oh, yeah... I run with scissors and eat cereal for dinner sometimes.
You can always PM me if you need to know more....

Posts: 230 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: sitting at my desk
DownNotOut
♀ Member
Member # 10076
Default  Posted: 6:18 AM, February 26th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Amigs,
I have one thing to add to what all the other fine posters are saying...

Communication. I know things like regular phone calls and e-mails may prove difficult while you are deployed but, every chance you get call or e-mail, write notes and mail them off (hey, it's free!)

That was one of the biggest stumbling blocks between me and FWH, his lack of communication during deployments. He maintained an attitude of "out of sight, out of mind" for several years. It was only recently that he has made huge strides at being a better communicator. Tell her how you are feeling, ask how she is feeling. Share anecdotes and jokes. Be open and honest and communicate your love for her freely.

Nothing is worse than sitting home, wondering, waiting for the phone to ring, or an e-mail to arrive. I know that there may be times when you have no access to phone/e-mail. Take a small notebook and pen with you. Jot notes. They don't have to be fancy, long and articulate letters that have been edited and polished, just little pieces of paper with your heartfelt words on them.

My most treasured letter from my FWH is not one where he waxed eloquent and poetic. No, it's a small note, on that brown paper from a military notebook. He wrote it while in a helicopter! I was thrilled! It doesn't even say anything terribly deep and moving. It was simple.

I will treasure it always.

So, that being said, keep the lines of communication between the two of you open.


"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."
~ nimbyone

"Beauty is between one's ears anyway, isn't it?"
~ bkewidow


Posts: 1606 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Unemployed and Hating It
ragingalone
Member
Member # 17029
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, February 29th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can I just say how much I HATE deployments?
I am sure that everyone else does too but it is SO hard to try and save a marriage that has been hit with an A while the spouse is deployed. *sighs* Today I feel like just giving up.


Together - 9/17/2002 Busted him EA - 9/17/2007 (5 years EXACTLY after we got together)
Reconciling and renewed vows - 2/2/2008
D-day#2- 8/12/08 (another EA & profile)Seperated
D-day#3- 10/01/08 PA with OW#1
Filed for Divorce- 11/21/08

Posts: 275 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: heartbreak hotel
LMigs528
♀ Member
Member # 13536
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, February 29th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((RA)))
Im sorry youre having a bad day RA. I hate deployments so much too. Try to hold your head up high and remember there is a light at the end of the deployment tunnel AS WELL AS the infidelity tunnel!!... Maybe you need some retail therapy .. Hang in there! You are strong and will get thru this!


Just so lost... I hope this road I choose to travel will help Me get found.

Posts: 939 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Long Island, NY
ragingalone
Member
Member # 17029
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, February 29th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LMigs, I swear if I could, I would hug both you and Soldiersgirl. Seriously, you both have helped me so much and you don't even know me! It means a lot to me so I just want to say thank you.
As for the being strong, I don't think I am today. My husband got his feelings hurt because I was being so cold after the nightmare I had last night and hasn't gotten back online to talk to me. Afterwards, I realized what a bitch I was being but yet I can't say I am sorry until he gets back online. See the problem here?
I wrote him an email and I am trying to keep myself busy but it's not working that well. I just wish that he never did what he did. But I guess instead of wishing I just need to deal with the fact that it's done and in the past and try to move on.
I am rambling now, I know. But thank you again for the kind words.


Together - 9/17/2002 Busted him EA - 9/17/2007 (5 years EXACTLY after we got together)
Reconciling and renewed vows - 2/2/2008
D-day#2- 8/12/08 (another EA & profile)Seperated
D-day#3- 10/01/08 PA with OW#1
Filed for Divorce- 11/21/08

Posts: 275 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: heartbreak hotel
Soldiersgirl
♀ Member
Member # 8188
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, February 29th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RA, I'm so feeling you today. There is nothing worse than fights during a deployment than infidelity. When you have the double whammy, it can be soooo frustrating. We had a miscommunication issue the other day that had he been home could have been solved quickly and easily. Instead let me wait a couple hours for him to get online and I had blown it out of proportion and was pacing like a caged tiger.

Okay, so, you did the right thing by sending him the email. When he's done pouting, he can see that and tha twill help. And lets face it, we have the right to be bitchy every once in a while. But here's another question, did your convo take place online or on the phone? Is it possible that he took it even worse than it was?

FWH and I have a rule regarding IM's and emails. Soooo many of our problems that led to the A last time had to do with fights and IM's. It is absolutely IMPOSSIBLE to gage tone in written format. You may think you're being lighthearted and charming, and it may be interpreted as the battle cry of a valkyrie. If there is any doubt whatsover, ask.

But in any case, I am very proud of you for taking that step and apologizing. Perhaps he'll remember it next time he acts like a jerk....lol. And it's never and if bad attitudes come up, it's always a when


You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. ~ Henny Youngman
No man was ever shot by his wife while doing the dishes. ~ Anon
It takes two to make a marriage a success and only one to make it a failure. ~ Herbert Samuel

Posts: 1375 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: Louisiana
ragingalone
Member
Member # 17029
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, February 29th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

did your convo take place online or on the phone? Is it possible that he took it even worse than it was?

Of course it was online! LOL
And when I went to re-read what I wrote (thank goodness for Yahoo IM) I accidentally deleted it! Grr! However, what I did read made me so angry at myself. What the fuck is my problem?! He is trying, I mean, REALLY trying (which is probably why he got frustrated with me and signed off) and I am just being a huge bitch. How much is ENOUGH for me? What does he have to do/say? Sometimes I feel like I am the problem and I am going to sabotage R and my marriage. Why do I expect perfection in this healing process? This isn't a damn movie! Blah.
I really wish he would just call me or get online or SOMETHING. I cannot stand this.

[This message edited by ragingalone at 10:19 PM, February 29th (Friday)]


Together - 9/17/2002 Busted him EA - 9/17/2007 (5 years EXACTLY after we got together)
Reconciling and renewed vows - 2/2/2008
D-day#2- 8/12/08 (another EA & profile)Seperated
D-day#3- 10/01/08 PA with OW#1
Filed for Divorce- 11/21/08

Posts: 275 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: heartbreak hotel
LMigs528
♀ Member
Member # 13536
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What the fuck is my problem?! He is trying, I mean, REALLY trying (which is probably why he got frustrated with me and signed off) and I am just being a huge bitch. How much is ENOUGH for me? What does he have to do/say? Sometimes I feel like I am the problem and I am going to sabotage R and my marriage. Why do I expect perfection in this healing process?

I am completely with you. Lately Ive been kinda bitchy. I mean its that time lol but Im way more bitchy than usually. I think Im finally hitting that "I am so over this effing deployment and want my husband and marriage back since I see how much he wants this and I want it now!!!" feeling. I am soooooooooooo done with this deployment. All I want is to work on things IN PERSON and go on with real life. I think its great we can talk via IM and Email, but Im ready for the face to face stuff and this deployment is stopping it.

Girl dont beat yourself up. My FWH would be the first to tell you Ive been on my broom lately. It happens. Its a normal human being reaction when you love someone so much and want something so bad and it just cant happen right now. You did the right thing about the email. Hell come around and yall will be fine. Hang in there!! (((RA)))


Just so lost... I hope this road I choose to travel will help Me get found.

Posts: 939 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Long Island, NY
ragingalone
Member
Member # 17029
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you LMigs for your response. That is EXACTLY it. I am SOOOOOOOOOOO over this deployment and I want to work on things IN PERSON and just be with him so badly. It's nice to know that I am not the only one who can be bitchy.
I actually posted this in the R forum and I wanted to post it here. -
So I spoke with my husband today and I wanted to share what he said that made my heart skip a beat.
We were just talking about songs and remembering our first song that we use to play ALL the time when we first got together. He randomly says -
"Thank you for the life we have made together. I couldn't have become the man I am without you. I'm definitely in love with you, and falling harder for you the longer I'm away."
Cheese ball worthy but I don't care. It put me on cloud 9 all day!

And he wouldn't even let me apologize for being a raging bitch. He said "We all have our bad days, babe. It's understandable why you feel the way you do so please don't apologize for your feelings."
I love that man!!


Together - 9/17/2002 Busted him EA - 9/17/2007 (5 years EXACTLY after we got together)
Reconciling and renewed vows - 2/2/2008
D-day#2- 8/12/08 (another EA & profile)Seperated
D-day#3- 10/01/08 PA with OW#1
Filed for Divorce- 11/21/08

Posts: 275 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: heartbreak hotel
LMigs528
♀ Member
Member # 13536
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is great RA!! It definetly can make you feel better when they arent holding a grudge (FWH used to be a grudge holder). I really think that this deployment for FWH and I was a Godsend. It really has helped us BOTH put things into perspective so those stupid fights about taking out that garbage we now see were sooooooo ridiculus lol. Im glad things worked out Girl!!


Just so lost... I hope this road I choose to travel will help Me get found.

Posts: 939 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Long Island, NY
Soldiersgirl
♀ Member
Member # 8188
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LOL Lmigs. just wait girl. I give it three months and the garbage issue becomes pretty serious again. i've already warned FWH it's only a matter of time before his get out of jail free card wears out.


You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. ~ Henny Youngman
No man was ever shot by his wife while doing the dishes. ~ Anon
It takes two to make a marriage a success and only one to make it a failure. ~ Herbert Samuel

Posts: 1375 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: Louisiana
LMigs528
♀ Member
Member # 13536
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LOLOL!!


Just so lost... I hope this road I choose to travel will help Me get found.

Posts: 939 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Long Island, NY
LMigs528
♀ Member
Member # 13536
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am very excited to say that I bought my homecoming dress yesterday!! :) Ill try to take a picture to post it because I cant find anything remotely close to it.

I am very happy to be excited for his homecoming!! Not that I didnt think I would be, but this deployment started out horrible buttttt... there is a light to the end of the tunnel!! YAY!


Just so lost... I hope this road I choose to travel will help Me get found.

Posts: 939 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Long Island, NY
Soldiersgirl
♀ Member
Member # 8188
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can't wait to see it Lisa!! They're jerking DH around so now he may not make it home in time for me to have the baby which really messes up my homecoming outfit...lol. *sigh* Stupid army........


You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. ~ Henny Youngman
No man was ever shot by his wife while doing the dishes. ~ Anon
It takes two to make a marriage a success and only one to make it a failure. ~ Herbert Samuel

Posts: 1375 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: Louisiana
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