reconciling, especially during a deployment can be incredibly difficult. But Piper is right, the fact that you are here really does speak volumes. Some of the things that my FWH does to help me ((he's deployed too)) mainly consist of reassuring me and being completely open and honest. If we have something that triggers us or worries us, we talk about it. Part of what isolates during deployment is the desire to shelter one another from the bad, which tends to just breed resentment and trust issues. I really think you and Lmigs are on the right path. And you are more than welcome here.
I feel like every time I take one step forward, I take 2 steps back.Is this normal?
Yes, ragingalone, sadly I guess it is. My FWH has been gone for a year. (Training, not deployment) Distance is difficult without an A. I am about 8 months out from dday and it has yet to get easier. I mean, it is easier in some ways bc like everyone says, time helps. But every little snit we have seems (at least for me) to have an underlying link to the A. And when I cannot get intouch with him, well, I fall apart. That usually leads to a fight. It is a vicious cycle.
I just keep telling myself to breathe. Breathing is sometimes the only thing I can do with 100% certainty. And more imortantly, I breate for me. I am tired of this 2 step dance (1+,2-) as well. I long for the days of 5 steps forward and no steps back. In themean time, I am here, you are here and we are all inthis together. (((hugs)))
What you have to do once you are on the road to R is share those fears with your FWS so that they are aware of it, ((NOT in an accusatory manner)), allow them to reassure you, and make an active effort to believe them. When those fears enter your mind, cast them aside, say "I will not think that" and distract yourself until the thought has past. One of the worst things that the A destroys is trust and it has to be rebuilt conciously.
What you have to do once you are on the road to R is share those fears with your FWS so that they are aware of it, ((NOT in an accusatory manner)), allow them to reassure you, and make an active effort to believe them.
Communication. I know things like regular phone calls and e-mails may prove difficult while you are deployed but, every chance you get call or e-mail, write notes and mail them off (hey, it's free!)
That was one of the biggest stumbling blocks between me and FWH, his lack of communication during deployments. He maintained an attitude of "out of sight, out of mind" for several years. It was only recently that he has made huge strides at being a better communicator. Tell her how you are feeling, ask how she is feeling. Share anecdotes and jokes. Be open and honest and communicate your love for her freely.
Nothing is worse than sitting home, wondering, waiting for the phone to ring, or an e-mail to arrive. I know that there may be times when you have no access to phone/e-mail. Take a small notebook and pen with you. Jot notes. They don't have to be fancy, long and articulate letters that have been edited and polished, just little pieces of paper with your heartfelt words on them.
My most treasured letter from my FWH is not one where he waxed eloquent and poetic. No, it's a small note, on that brown paper from a military notebook. He wrote it while in a helicopter! I was thrilled! It doesn't even say anything terribly deep and moving. It was simple.
I will treasure it always.
So, that being said, keep the lines of communication between the two of you open.
"Beauty is between one's ears anyway, isn't it?"
Okay, so, you did the right thing by sending him the email. When he's done pouting, he can see that and tha twill help. And lets face it, we have the right to be bitchy every once in a while. But here's another question, did your convo take place online or on the phone? Is it possible that he took it even worse than it was?
FWH and I have a rule regarding IM's and emails. Soooo many of our problems that led to the A last time had to do with fights and IM's. It is absolutely IMPOSSIBLE to gage tone in written format. You may think you're being lighthearted and charming, and it may be interpreted as the battle cry of a valkyrie. If there is any doubt whatsover, ask.
But in any case, I am very proud of you for taking that step and apologizing. Perhaps he'll remember it next time he acts like a jerk....lol. And it's never and if bad attitudes come up, it's always a when
did your convo take place online or on the phone? Is it possible that he took it even worse than it was?
[This message edited by ragingalone at 10:19 PM, February 29th (Friday)]
What the fuck is my problem?! He is trying, I mean, REALLY trying (which is probably why he got frustrated with me and signed off) and I am just being a huge bitch. How much is ENOUGH for me? What does he have to do/say? Sometimes I feel like I am the problem and I am going to sabotage R and my marriage. Why do I expect perfection in this healing process?
I am completely with you. Lately Ive been kinda bitchy. I mean its that time lol but Im way more bitchy than usually. I think Im finally hitting that "I am so over this effing deployment and want my husband and marriage back since I see how much he wants this and I want it now!!!" feeling. I am soooooooooooo done with this deployment. All I want is to work on things IN PERSON and go on with real life. I think its great we can talk via IM and Email, but Im ready for the face to face stuff and this deployment is stopping it.
Girl dont beat yourself up. My FWH would be the first to tell you Ive been on my broom lately. It happens. Its a normal human being reaction when you love someone so much and want something so bad and it just cant happen right now. You did the right thing about the email. Hell come around and yall will be fine. Hang in there!! (((RA)))
And he wouldn't even let me apologize for being a raging bitch. He said "We all have our bad days, babe. It's understandable why you feel the way you do so please don't apologize for your feelings."
I love that man!!
I am very happy to be excited for his homecoming!! Not that I didnt think I would be, but this deployment started out horrible buttttt... there is a light to the end of the tunnel!! YAY!