Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: IWantToSurvive (44222)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Military Deployment/Affairs
Soldiersgirl
♀ Member
Member # 8188
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, January 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Drowning, it really sounds like you need a power of attorney. Perhaps have an attorney draw up a special power of attorney that grants you the right to do specific things with the kids and mail it certified to your hubby with a note explaining why you need it.

I'm sorry he's being an ass.


You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. ~ Henny Youngman
No man was ever shot by his wife while doing the dishes. ~ Anon
It takes two to make a marriage a success and only one to make it a failure. ~ Herbert Samuel

Posts: 1375 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: Louisiana
letting_go
Member
Member # 13774
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, January 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Everone

My H will be home for good very soon and I believe we are both having anxiety over his homecoming. We have gone through seperations and homecomings before so we know the basics as to what to expect.

Under normal conditions we would be giddy with anticipation and planning what we are and are not going to do in that time. Now we are nipping at each other and I believe it is because we are afraid of the unknown. We still have a lot of work to do on ourselves and our M. Throw in a move that is coming up soon along with another high stress school for him and VOILA a cocktail for explosion.

I am trying to relax and take one day at a time.

Any ideas, suggestions, anything?


"To change and to improve are two different things."
Anonymous. German proverb.

"It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men." Frederick Douglass (1818-1895)


Posts: 3704 | Registered: Feb 2007
LMigs528
♀ Member
Member # 13536
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, January 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Under normal conditions we would be giddy with anticipation and planning what we are and are not going to do in that time. Now we are nipping at each other and I believe it is because we are afraid of the unknown. We still have a lot of work to do on ourselves and our M. Throw in a move that is coming up soon along with another high stress school for him and VOILA a cocktail for explosion.

I dont think that could have been summed up much more than that. What you wrote is the typical feelings for a wife whose deployed spoused cheated and is returning home. FWH came home a few weeks ago for R&R. I had so many feelings I couldnt even identify them. I nearly ripped him a new one a few days before he got home and opened up a can of ruining a suprise. I think there was even a point when he was in kuwait en route to here where I got annoyed when he called purely because I was in such a whirlwind of emotions. My best advice. BE PATIENT!! I know its hard but its really the only thing that will ease the craziness. And take things slow. Dont be afraid to! I thought I was going to wait until our weekend away to sleep with him but when he came home, I, uh, couldnt resist!!.. Youll see, when hes home your body will take over for your brain! :) Good Luck and Congrats!!


Just so lost... I hope this road I choose to travel will help Me get found.

Posts: 939 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Long Island, NY
letting_go
Member
Member # 13774
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, January 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Affairs suck!

I am feeling a little ventish.

Affairs suck for everyone and anyone involved directly and indirectly.

Throw in military life.

-Moves and everything that goes along with it.
-Schools for the SM and finding new ones for the kids and maybe yourself
-Trying to make friends or at least get involved.
-Looking for a new church
-Wondering if someone in uniform is going to knock on your door with the NEWS.
-Hoping that someone has not caught your SM at a weak moment or that your SM has not caught someone in a weak moment.
-Dealing with family situations on both sides i.e. deaths and holidays.
-Being alone for so long and trying to reintroduce SM back into the family.

He comes home. We prepare the house to rent or I decide to stay because he will have a hard time dealing with my triggers while going through a stressful school. Wondering if I am going to be sain enough to handle the load, again. Somewhere amongst the hecticness we, hopefully, attend MC.

I have done this before except for MC and rose to the challenge. By now I would have had the house rented or at least have talked to a realtor without him having to ask. My multi-tasking skills suck right now and everyone keeps telling me to give myself time. My IC told me that I have had several life changing situations happen to me over the last few years and that I need to take my time to heal from all of them.

I am rambling and I just need to be heard. Sometimes IC once a week for an hour is not good enough.
-

Thanks to anyone who read this and heard me.


"To change and to improve are two different things."
Anonymous. German proverb.

"It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men." Frederick Douglass (1818-1895)


Posts: 3704 | Registered: Feb 2007
Piper317
♀ Member
Member # 15330
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, January 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

letting_go: I hear ya. I do.


Married 8 years, together 11
BS(me)-34 FWH-37 d-day 7/3/07
♥R!R!R!♥
Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.
Let your clarity define you.
"Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable." ~The Wizard

Posts: 1476 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New York
Drowning
♀ Member
Member # 13057
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, January 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SoldiersGirl-

The problem I've found with mailing ANYTHING is that I have no idea if he's getting it or not. The last I talked to him he had just touched ground and wasn't necessarily going to be staying at the camp he was at- so to be honest I'm not even sure if he's at that camp anymore or not- I sent a few things there and never heard back from him as to whether or not he got them. I sent a few things insured but was told that they can't really be tracked down once they hit the military mail system in New York. Anyone have any other ideas- including finding out if/when he got that pkg or where it's at? Post office was absolutely no help.


D-Day: 10/16/2006
2007-RECONCILED
We're Happy, Content, In Love, and just had baby #2! CLOUD 9!

Posts: 718 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Cloud 9
LMigs528
♀ Member
Member # 13536
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, January 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Drowing if you are on his Deers.. You contact his FRG and XO/CO/NCOIC ASAP and let them know whats going on. Its up to you how extensive you get it (You can just say you havent heard from your H in months or get into detail its up to you). A soldier CAN NOT abandon their family. IT IS ILLEGAL IN THE MILITARY!! If he is going to play games or be an ass, hes still gotta support his family and his COC can and ill enforce it. Maybe even go to JAG to make things move quicker. Im not quite sure where you are but I am in NY if you need anything!


Just so lost... I hope this road I choose to travel will help Me get found.

Posts: 939 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Long Island, NY
dimplewimple
♀ Member
Member # 10092
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, January 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I understood correctly her H is not a soldier. He is not in the military. He is however a civilian and even they fall under a military chain of command.

Do you know what unit he is there with? If so you may want to try contacting the First Shirt (This is for Air Force...not sure what they are for Army.)of the unit. They would be able to reach him.

But if he is supporting you financially I don't think they have a lot of power over that.

Maybe you could go to the courts and explain the situation. They could give you temporary sole custody so you can arrange for the care your child needs.

Let us know if you need anything or how we can help.

Dimple


I type 17 words a minute so if this post is long it may not be full of wisdom but I sure put a lot of time in it!

BTW...I do type faster than Vanna though.

Another BTW...wishingitwasnt is far stronger than he knows.


Posts: 4988 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: New Jersey
ragingalone
Member
Member # 17029
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, January 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a wreck tonight.
I hate my husband for what he did to me. To our marriage.
I hate myself for still loving him. And wanting our marriage to work.
As far as I know, he didn't have sex with anyone (he is sticking to his story about it just being an EA online with a woman in another state) but the fact that he was talking lustful to another woman just makes me .
I am talking like I just found out about it, uh? I didn't but for some reason, the closer it gets to his R&R, the more upset I get over it. I suppose it's because I haven't been able to actually talk to him about it IN person and the thought of seeing him is making me NERVOUS. Or maybe it's the fact that he wants to renew our vows as a sign of how committed he is to our marriage? He has supposedly done some serious soul searching and realizes how much he wants me in his life. Why couldn't he realize that before he had to look online for another woman?
I guess one can say that we are still in R or atleast trying to the best of our ability while he is 'over there', but I think that I am expecting too much from 18 days. And that is disappointing.


Together - 9/17/2002 Busted him EA - 9/17/2007 (5 years EXACTLY after we got together)
Reconciling and renewed vows - 2/2/2008
D-day#2- 8/12/08 (another EA & profile)Seperated
D-day#3- 10/01/08 PA with OW#1
Filed for Divorce- 11/21/08

Posts: 275 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: heartbreak hotel
Drowning
♀ Member
Member # 13057
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, January 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A soldier CAN NOT abandon their family. IT IS ILLEGAL IN THE MILITARY!! If


If I understood correctly her H is not a soldier. He is not in the military. He is however a civilian and even they fall under a military chain of command.
Do you know what unit he is there with? If so you may want to try contacting the First Shirt (This is for Air Force...not sure what they are for Army.)of the unit.

That is correct- he is not military he works for a civilian company over there.

Thank-you LMigs for the offer of any help and Thankyou also, DimpleWimple for the ideas. Unfortunately I have no idea exactly where he works other than the base he was last at and the company he works for. No idea if he's still where he was originally at as I sent some packages around Christmas time with gifts from our son for him and they did not reach him apparently. Never got returned, but according to the Post Office lady, one made it to the destination but possibly not to HIM and the other seems to be lost somewhere as there is no info for that package other than showing in the system that I mailed it on such and such date at Post office X.
As far as I know- our mutual friends have also not heard from him, nor has his family. I wouldn't put it past his family to not be honest about not hearing from him, but judging from the last conversation I had with his mother it seems as though they really haven't heard from him either.


D-Day: 10/16/2006
2007-RECONCILED
We're Happy, Content, In Love, and just had baby #2! CLOUD 9!

Posts: 718 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Cloud 9
Drowning
♀ Member
Member # 13057
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, January 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay so I definitely have confirmation now that NO ONE has heard from WH. Not his mother, his brother, his step-dad, his cousin, ME, or ANY of our mutual friends!

I sent a red cross message yesterday to let him know that his grandfather had passed away. I figured if anything, he would at least contact his mother, but...nothing.

After this "bomb" Im no longer focusing so much on the million reasons I have for this to completely ANGER me and piss me off, I'm more focused on actually being worried about him. This is NOT like my husband to avoid all contact with family and friends. I thought about contacting a chaplain to talk to him despite his not being extremely religious, but I don't even know how to do that from way over here- any ideas?


D-Day: 10/16/2006
2007-RECONCILED
We're Happy, Content, In Love, and just had baby #2! CLOUD 9!

Posts: 718 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Cloud 9
LMigs528
♀ Member
Member # 13536
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, January 19th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gosh drowning my heart is breaking for you. Have you contacted his bosses?? And are you sure his family is being honest? When you contacted Red Cross did they say they would let you know when hes notified. If you arent sure where he is at this point I dont think contacting a chaplin would help. I would however get all over the Red Cross and utilize them. Ask them if theyve found him yet and when hes coming home. See if at least they know where he is. Because at this point before you do anything, you need to find him. I would also contact anyone whose over there that you can contact to see if they know where he is. If they all dont, I would possibly try to find a place to file maybe a missing persons report over there. Many hugs! PM me if you need anything. Ill be praying for you. Lisa


Just so lost... I hope this road I choose to travel will help Me get found.

Posts: 939 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Long Island, NY
Drowning
♀ Member
Member # 13057
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, January 20th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you contacted his bosses??

I don't have any names. His HR department is of little help because they can pass along a message, but they can't MAKE him call or MAKE him e-mail/write, etc. So that was little help.
And are you sure his family is being honest?

I am sure now. When this all started 4 months ago I thought maybe his mom was lying, but we've literally spent hours on the phone together trying to come up with ways we could contact him, etc. She's cried during a couple of the phone calls so I think she's being honest; she definitely sounds like a mother that's worried/concerned about her son. I also don't think she would allow a boss or red cross worker to tell him that his grandpa died if she was in contact with him and able to tell him herself instead. His cousin would NEVER lie to me about it and I know he hasn't heard from him. His mom says his brother also hasn't heard from him, and my husband's brother would never lie to his mother, so it's pretty clear to me now that NO ONE has heard from him. Our mutual friends wouldn't lie to me either I don't think because most were friends with me first or are closer to me.

When you contacted Red Cross did they say they would let you know when hes notified.
They called me at 4:30 my time the next morning to let me know that they had passed the message along to his work. So I am pretty sure he either got the message by then or was about to get it any minute.
See if at least they know where he is.

He's definitely at the same camp I thought he was at however, in the 4 packages I sent at Xmas time, I had the "correct" address but not ALL of the address, so that could explain why they didnt make it to him yet still doesn't explain why they didn't make it back to ME if they didn't make it to him though- return address was clearly marked on all 4 pkgs.
I would also contact anyone whose over there that you can contact to see if they know where he is

I have about 4 good friends who are over there and then have about 7 or so old co-workers, acquaintances, etc that are over there but NONE are on his base or have plans to travel through there often.
I would possibly try to find a place to file maybe a missing persons report over there.

He's definitely not a missing person- he's still getting paid on time, same amount by his job. He's just not contacting anyone for some odd reason. I can only come up with 3 ideas.

1. That telephone call where we had a small argument must have pissed him off way more than I thought (although I dont know why) and he's throwing a temper tantrum and directing it at EVERYONE, not just me for some odd reason.

2. He's under the impression I have already left him, and is depressed. See, the real stinger in all of this is that at the same time he stopped contacting me or just before, our post office made a HUGE mistake and got confused about what they were supposed to still send to me, what to forward to him, etc so they ended up marking A TON of our mail as "RETURN TO SENDER- MOVED- NO FORWARDING ADDRESS" I didn't know about this right away because I do most of my bills online and get e-bills not regular ones. I didn't find out until AFTER H stopped calling- but he had sent two packages to me before all of this that didn't make it to me- so I can only assume that they got returned to him stamped with that "Moved no forwarding address" thing which then made him assume that instead of Reconciling, I had it planned the whole time to leave the moment he was re-deployed and is depressed and not talking to anyone because of it. Very cruddy timing for the post office to mess up indeed (and they still mess up my mail alot, even 4 months later)


This is all a huge mess- I hate my life right now!


D-Day: 10/16/2006
2007-RECONCILED
We're Happy, Content, In Love, and just had baby #2! CLOUD 9!

Posts: 718 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Cloud 9
LMigs528
♀ Member
Member # 13536
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, January 20th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

D what if you were to play stupid... And call his company and explain there has been no contact and you are very worried and youre ready to file a missing persons. Ya know, kinda play them a little? Just a thought.


Just so lost... I hope this road I choose to travel will help Me get found.

Posts: 939 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Long Island, NY
Drowning
♀ Member
Member # 13057
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, January 20th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Had a little mini break-thru tonight.... One of my girl friends just called me tonight to let me know that her husband (my husband's friend) got an e-mail from him. Apparently he DID move to a different camp in the last two weeks and is now at a camp near his friend and he wrote him to see if he wanted to meet up sometime this week. The friend told his wife and she told me this afternoon. No idea when exactly they're meeting up, I just hope that despite being closer friends with my husband than he is with me, that he still will be somewhat of an advocate for me. Not sure whether to be happy that someone FINALLY heard from him, or pissed off that he decided to contact a friend he hadn't talked to in over half a year rather than me or any of his other family members.

So now it's the "sit and wait" game until they get together. I have a feeling that THIS wait is going to be more hell than the last 4 months of waiting to hear ANYTHING.

Ugh... I HATE MY LIFE!


D-Day: 10/16/2006
2007-RECONCILED
We're Happy, Content, In Love, and just had baby #2! CLOUD 9!

Posts: 718 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Cloud 9
LMigs528
♀ Member
Member # 13536
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Girl I am truly at a loss for words. Maybe its time to meet with a lawyer who could draw something up so you dont have to worry about paychecks, etc. Ya know, enforce his responsability. Good Luck!


Just so lost... I hope this road I choose to travel will help Me get found.

Posts: 939 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Long Island, NY
armywifescorned
♀ New Member
Member # 17874
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay So my hubby and I have been married for 8 years, everything was going good this deployment up until about 3 weeks ago, all his emails were very loving and talking about how he didn't want to fight and the kids and I were the only family he needs. Well apparently he met some girl in iraq that is married and getting ready to go back to her husband and started "talking" to her. He claims nothing happend but it was kind of funny as soon as he met her he told me that he didn't love me anymore and is not sure if he wants to stay married to me. This is our 4th deployment and I have been nothing but faithful to him. Since I confronted him about this, I just found out yesterday, he called immediately after opening his email he called me. We talked for an hour and he said that we would try one more time on our marriage. I am so confused. Then today I get an email that says he hasn't been happy for a long time and he has wanted this divorce for a while, news to me, but he doesn't know anymore. We will still try. I am very confused. I have lost 36 lbs in the last 3 weeks. I am going through the motions of everything. Anyone have any advice?

Posts: 4 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Kentucky
LMigs528
♀ Member
Member # 13536
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((AWS))) Welcome. Im sorry about the way things are going. First thing first, if you really suspect an A youre gonna need proof. Is your WH AD?? Do you have kids? My FWH went thru the whole not happy/not in love with you schpel. It lasted about 4 months. We had 7 months of false R. Things are still very fresh for you. Before anything is decided you need to A) Prove your suspicion. B) Form a plan of action for any possible scenario and C)Start your hidden nest egg. Good Luck! Were all here to help! Hugs! Lisa


Just so lost... I hope this road I choose to travel will help Me get found.

Posts: 939 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Long Island, NY
armywifescorned
♀ New Member
Member # 17874
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I printed out an email and she called him babe, funny thing is I have her husbands phone number, so I told him that if he didn't cut all ties with her I would call. I have started my own bank account. I work full time too at the hospital. He is still calling me and emailing me. I have been having weekly counseling sessions with the chaplain here and he has been a great big help, sometimes more than one. I did confront the issue yesterday and the chaplain said he must feel guilty because he called me immediately after he read the email. I am really confused right now. I love him with all my heart and soul. I just want it to work out. We do have kids a 6 year old and 10 year old.

[This message edited by armywifescorned at 10:37 PM, January 23rd (Wednesday)]


Posts: 4 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Kentucky
Soldiersgirl
♀ Member
Member # 8188
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, January 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just me, but I would call her husband anyway. It sounds like at the very least there are serious boundry issues there that need to be addressed.


You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. ~ Henny Youngman
No man was ever shot by his wife while doing the dishes. ~ Anon
It takes two to make a marriage a success and only one to make it a failure. ~ Herbert Samuel

Posts: 1375 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: Louisiana
Topic Posts: 968
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49

Return to Forum: I Can Relate Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.