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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Military Deployment/Affairs
DownNotOut
♀ Member
Member # 10076
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are we talking in terms of sexual intimacy or relationship intimacy?

I know some don't seperate the two, but I do.

Sexual intimacy may be a long time coming. We have sex, make love, etc., but I am still asserting my "property rights" in the bedroom. Until I can lay that demon to rest (you know, slaying the images of the OW, etc.) I don't think I will be able to reclaim the sexual intimacy.

As for intimacy in the relationship, from the date of NC (7/20/07) until he deployed, I felt our relationship was more intimate than it had ever been, even prior his A's.

Now that he is deployed, I don't feel that intimacy, largely because he doesn't communicate very often. I'm left here, alone, wondering WTF is going on over there while friends of mine hear from their spouses 3-4 times a week.

It's frustrating and really puts a damper on R.


"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."
~ nimbyone

"Beauty is between one's ears anyway, isn't it?"
~ bkewidow


Posts: 1606 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Unemployed and Hating It
JulesDPH
♀ Member
Member # 17037
Sad  Posted: 8:55 PM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry for the LOOOONNNNGGG post.....


Me (BS): 35
Him (WS): 33
Married: September 14, 2004
Kids: 4 boys - his, mine and ours.
D-day: September 6, 2007 (yeah, this year was a 'fun' anniversary...)
Her (OW): 22
Currently working on R

Posts: 84 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Utah
LMigs528
♀ Member
Member # 13536
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RA- Today.. I saw FWH for the first time in months on the webcam. That broke the fear (I wanted to rock his world right then and there too lol). I think it will subside when you see him. We have a few weeks til R&R and I have been petrified. It all got lifted away today. It was like a HUGE weight off me. Now my only fear is not letting him out of the BR !


Just so lost... I hope this road I choose to travel will help Me get found.

Posts: 939 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Long Island, NY
Soldiersgirl
♀ Member
Member # 8188
Default  Posted: 5:43 AM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jules....

You'll have to forgive me as my concentration is out the window today and your post was kind of hard to read in one big paragraph like that, but am I correct in reading that you are changing YOU and taking all the blame for your WH's affair? I really hope that isn't what I read.

It doesn't matter what stresses lie within the marriage, that is absolutely no excuse to go outside of it. my suggestions are to get yourself tested for STD's NOW. Don't put yourself in danger because your hubby is gullible enough to believe some woman claims she's a virgin.

2. I think you need to read up on the 180.

3. What on earth was your hubby doing in Columbia?? Was it work related? Central America is no playground and he could have put himself at great risk for a little bit of fun. I dont' normally condone going to the chain of command, but given the situation ((secret emails, etc with a woman from an area that is known to have terrorist cells)) I would inform his chain of command immediately.

and lastly, even if he won't seek MC, you need to seek IC. Many of us do irrational things on DDay, some act out, some, like myself, just shut down but the goal here is that no matter where your marriage goes from this point, that you emerge healthy and as strong as possible.

In the meantime, I will be adding you to my prayers.


You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. ~ Henny Youngman
No man was ever shot by his wife while doing the dishes. ~ Anon
It takes two to make a marriage a success and only one to make it a failure. ~ Herbert Samuel

Posts: 1375 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: Louisiana
ragingalone
Member
Member # 17029
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RA- Today.. I saw FWH for the first time in months on the webcam. That broke the fear (I wanted to rock his world right then and there too lol). I think it will subside when you see him. We have a few weeks til R&R and I have been petrified. It all got lifted away today. It was like a HUGE weight off me. Now my only fear is not letting him out of the BR !

That's great that you no longer have that fear. I hope that the same goes for me when I see him (that I will want to jump his body rather than beat it to a pulp). Still no 'exact' date for R&R, however. I hope that he isn't planning on 'surprising' me. I would be a mess if he did that.
Good luck on your upcoming R&R!


Together - 9/17/2002 Busted him EA - 9/17/2007 (5 years EXACTLY after we got together)
Reconciling and renewed vows - 2/2/2008
D-day#2- 8/12/08 (another EA & profile)Seperated
D-day#3- 10/01/08 PA with OW#1
Filed for Divorce- 11/21/08

Posts: 275 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: heartbreak hotel
Drowning
♀ Member
Member # 13057
Default  Posted: 11:14 PM, November 20th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DownNotOut sounds like you and I are having similar cruddy week(s).
PM coming your way!


D-Day: 10/16/2006
2007-RECONCILED
We're Happy, Content, In Love, and just had baby #2! CLOUD 9!

Posts: 718 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Cloud 9
DownNotOut
♀ Member
Member # 10076
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, November 21st (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

got it and right back at ya Drowning! :)

Yep...shitty week all right.

Top it off with the cat ingesting a poisonous plant and a $223 trip to the ER vet & then an overheating car on the freeway at night and I no longer have a cell phone, that was $200 earlier today.

Then I find out that money is coming out of FWH's pay that I was expecting to be there (not his fault kind of thing).

Now it looks like I will be spending xmas home alone instead of with my sis and her kids since I've had to shell out all this dough that was budgeted for my plane ticket.

Fuck. Someone just shoot me, okay?


"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."
~ nimbyone

"Beauty is between one's ears anyway, isn't it?"
~ bkewidow


Posts: 1606 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Unemployed and Hating It
Soldiersgirl
♀ Member
Member # 8188
Default  Posted: 2:55 AM, November 22nd (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*hugs* Finance loves to screw things up. We just calculated and not counting the deployment pay they owe us ((which believe me is a pretty penny)), they owe us about 3000. To top it all off, Aafes took nearly six hundred out of our check this month ((no clue why, we are always on time)) so we have an itty bitty check. Don't you love how this shit always happens at christmas??

Hope you all have a happy turkey day anyway.


You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. ~ Henny Youngman
No man was ever shot by his wife while doing the dishes. ~ Anon
It takes two to make a marriage a success and only one to make it a failure. ~ Herbert Samuel

Posts: 1375 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: Louisiana
Drowning
♀ Member
Member # 13057
Default  Posted: 11:29 PM, November 22nd (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!

Although it sounds like everyone is not having such a "happy" week.

Oh the holidays- gotta love them. Oddly enough- ever since D-Day (which was a couple months before the holidays and a few days after my bday) I now HATE the holidays... I'm like the "ba-humbug" lady of holidays now something I used to be anything but.

Anyway, since I spent two posts (my first two posts in a long time) rambling and raging and venting about my cruddy couple of months, and since it's Thanksgiving, I'd like to put a couple things I'm thankful for.

My family (son, brother, mom, dad) They don't really know what all is going on, and I only revealed very little details of D-Day to my mother only, but they support me all the time with anything else- so thankfully, no matter how many people let me down in life, I can always count on them.

And I'm thankful for my health! Each year I only have to deal with a bad cold or two and a case or two of the flu, I'm thankful I never have to deal with anything worse than that.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!


D-Day: 10/16/2006
2007-RECONCILED
We're Happy, Content, In Love, and just had baby #2! CLOUD 9!

Posts: 718 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Cloud 9
DownNotOut
♀ Member
Member # 10076
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, November 24th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just found out that FWH was with MOW and her kids last Thanksgiving while he was deployed in another country.

I'm glad I didn't know until after I got home from a friend's house this Thanksgiving. Luckily, I was able to have a nice time and forget (for a few hours).

But he spent last year's holiday with her...in her home...having a family dinner. My soul wants to shrivel up and die. But this is what I wanted right? Information. Details. All the little things.

Sometimes, knowledge is a curse. A very cruel and twisted curse.

Today...I hate my life.


"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."
~ nimbyone

"Beauty is between one's ears anyway, isn't it?"
~ bkewidow


Posts: 1606 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Unemployed and Hating It
Drowning
♀ Member
Member # 13057
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, November 24th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DownNotOut-

So sorry to hear that this new information you've gotten has caused such an uproar of bad emotions for you.

You're right about information- you want to know it all- know everything, yet with each new piece of information your heart breaks a little more.

I still haven't decided which is worse- the torture of not knowing things and having questions unanswered or knowing and having your heart smashed because of it.

(((HUGS))) to you and everyone else who is having a particularly hard week this week.


D-Day: 10/16/2006
2007-RECONCILED
We're Happy, Content, In Love, and just had baby #2! CLOUD 9!

Posts: 718 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Cloud 9
ragingalone
Member
Member # 17029
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, November 25th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I still haven't decided which is worse- the torture of not knowing things and having questions unanswered or knowing and having your heart smashed because of it.

I keep asking myself which is worse almost every day.
Hang in there, DownNotOut.


Together - 9/17/2002 Busted him EA - 9/17/2007 (5 years EXACTLY after we got together)
Reconciling and renewed vows - 2/2/2008
D-day#2- 8/12/08 (another EA & profile)Seperated
D-day#3- 10/01/08 PA with OW#1
Filed for Divorce- 11/21/08

Posts: 275 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: heartbreak hotel
Soldiersgirl
♀ Member
Member # 8188
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, November 25th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I still haven't decided which is worse- the torture of not knowing things and having questions unanswered or knowing and having your heart smashed because of it.

To me they're about equal. But with time they can fade into the background and become less important.

What IS important is that if your WH were not in the box, he would have spent thanksgiving with you.


You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. ~ Henny Youngman
No man was ever shot by his wife while doing the dishes. ~ Anon
It takes two to make a marriage a success and only one to make it a failure. ~ Herbert Samuel

Posts: 1375 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: Louisiana
letting_go
Member
Member # 13774
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, November 25th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question for everyone:

Are you R or in limbo?

How is your spouse helping you heal?

What are you doing to help yourself?

How are you helping your spouse or do you care?


"To change and to improve are two different things."
Anonymous. German proverb.

"It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men." Frederick Douglass (1818-1895)


Posts: 3705 | Registered: Feb 2007
ragingalone
Member
Member # 17029
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, November 25th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you R or in limbo?

My spouse and I are currenting R. Or as close as we possibly can R while he is deployed.

How is your spouse helping you heal?

He has shown a LOT of remorse. It makes me feel good knowing that he is sorry. I have given him boundaries as to what I think is okay and is not okay (as far as porn/online websites go). So far, so good. He is more open with communication and tells me what he is thinking/feeling even though I may not like it. To me, the truth is better than a false image of who I think my husband is/how he feels.

What are you doing to help yourself?

In the beginning, I tried to convince myself that somehow it was my fault (having 2 babies in less than 2 years messed with my emotions). But now I realize that it stems from his insecurties (HE stated this) and have started working on my self-esteem. I am going back to school, getting a job, and slowly proving to myself that I don't NEED him (I want him around but I don't NEED him around- if that makes sense).

How are you helping your spouse or do you care?

I try to listen to what he says when we talk about the subject (like when he admited he was insecure which is why he signed up for the profile in the first place). And when I am listening to him, I try not to cut him off or minimize his feelings/thoughts. It's hard to try to R with him deployed but I think we are doing okay.

[This message edited by ragingalone at 11:12 PM, November 25th (Sunday)]


Together - 9/17/2002 Busted him EA - 9/17/2007 (5 years EXACTLY after we got together)
Reconciling and renewed vows - 2/2/2008
D-day#2- 8/12/08 (another EA & profile)Seperated
D-day#3- 10/01/08 PA with OW#1
Filed for Divorce- 11/21/08

Posts: 275 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: heartbreak hotel
DownNotOut
♀ Member
Member # 10076
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, November 26th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you R or in limbo?

We're in R, but there are days, with him deployed, that I feel like I am in limbo. The unique nature of deployments seem to put the "home" spouse in a sort of stasis. Always waiting. Waiting for the e-mail , waiting for the phone call, waiting for their return, etc. I often feel like I have spent half my adult life waiting on this man. So in R, but waiting.

How is your spouse helping you heal?

Actually, I'm not really sure. Before he left, we went to MC, he went to a few IC appointments and he would answer the majority of my questions. He shows remorse, sometimes. But sometimes he just acts like he just wants it to all go away. I honestly think I'm helping myself heal more than he is. Sometimes, I think I want too much, am asking too much from him.

What are you doing to help yourself?

I'm in IC. I'm fearlessly examining the things that no longer serve me in my life (my addiction to food, my depression, etc.). I've set up excellent boundaries to keep me from seeking "unfaithful" attention. I'm getting out of the house, enjoying nature and trying to create a positive mind set and live from abundance, not lack. I'm creating a warrior mentality, where I can do damn near anything I set my mind to. I'm starting to get back into the gym. I haven't been giving anyone my best (including myself) for years. I'm working on changing that.

How are you helping your spouse or do you care?

I care. I care so much it hurts a lot of the time. I help my spouse by being the best me I can. I help by making sure our MC appts. and our IC appts. are kept (while he was here, that is). I listen now and try not to judge. I don't minimize his feelings. I support him. If he needs to cry, laugh or rage, I am here. I take care of the bills, the house, the repairs, the animals while he is away. In that, I support him. I send him the things he requests and I make sure to send letters, e-mails, cards and things that will lift his spirit and give him a sense of hope. Sadly, in that area, he is not as good at returning the favor.

I was talking with a friend resently about the fact that I haven't heard from FWH in about 5 days (which isn't normal, we've been IM, e-mail and phone every couple days) even though I know he had read my e-mail (if you have access to the acct. you can tell ids things have already been read) but didn't respond.

When I said I was doing my best to get as many of FWH's needs met while deployed but that I have needs that need to be met too, my friend informed me that I need to shut up about it and that I don't get to get my needs met until my H comes home.

Am I just being selfish and I should just shut up, be the good little wifey, take care of my man and suffer in silence?

I hate this crap. I really want to ask H to get out of the military when this tour is up (I would like a career too & the military makes things harder for me in that area) but he has already been in over 12 years. It's really not fair of me to ask. Either way it seems like someone gets the shaft.


"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."
~ nimbyone

"Beauty is between one's ears anyway, isn't it?"
~ bkewidow


Posts: 1606 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Unemployed and Hating It
Soldiersgirl
♀ Member
Member # 8188
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, November 26th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you R or in limbo?

We say we're reconciled. He's earned my trust and my respect again. The person he was, the person I am, and the person who tried to come between us, no longer exist as far as I am concerned.

How is your spouse helping you heal?

Nothing for the longest time. But eventually recognizing that my pain is real, setting appropriate boundries for other women and putting me and our marriage first is what did the trick.

What are you doing to help yourself?


I'm letting it go. I've learned to follow the advice in Phillipians 4:8 and I'm only meditating on what is true and what is real. Imagining horrible things are going on, that's not true, and its not real. And the longer I held on to the hurt from yesterday, the more I realized that it would only keep dragging me down until I let it go.

How are you helping your spouse or do you care?
I let him know that I trust him, that I believe in him, that I respect him. We listen to each other mor enow than we did before. We also make a huge effort to communicate better what our needs are. You can't meed your aprtners needs if you don't know what they are. That goes along way for my hubby's healing.


You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. ~ Henny Youngman
No man was ever shot by his wife while doing the dishes. ~ Anon
It takes two to make a marriage a success and only one to make it a failure. ~ Herbert Samuel

Posts: 1375 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: Louisiana
Piper317
♀ Member
Member # 15330
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, November 26th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you R or in limbo?
We are in R and he is currently TDY back where the A happened.

How is your spouse helping you heal?
He offered to give up the military on DDay. I did not want him to bc he finally is training for a dream job.
He texts me a lot throughout the day and went NC right after DDay. We also got webcams before he left again and he always gives me his schedule. He also saw her once in a briefing and told me immediately.
We went to MC while he was home in the summer. We talk a lot. It might be alittle easier if he just understood that simple words and phrases would help me if he just said them of his own valition and not bc he was being prodded or bc we were talking about the A.
I was also just down there for Thanskgiving weekend and he voluntarily showed me where her bldg. is in relation to his. Still not far enough away but HE offered the info which was big.

What are you doing to help yourself?
I go to IC every week and write. Sometimes I share my writing with him, sometimes I don't. I do it for me and me only. I am also being more positive with myself and realize now I don't need him in my life, but I want him there. That was a HUGE step for me.

How are you helping your spouse or do you care?
I try to be supportive of him and not jump to conclusions all the time. Some days, that's easier said than done.


Married 8 years, together 11
BS(me)-34 FWH-37 d-day 7/3/07
♥R!R!R!♥
Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.
Let your clarity define you.
"Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable." ~The Wizard

Posts: 1476 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New York
Drowning
♀ Member
Member # 13057
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, November 26th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you R or in limbo?

Was in limbo for a very long time, but was trying to make things work for the 7 months he was home. When he left, things were left on a good note, I gave him framed pictures of each of us, our pets, and our house for his desk so he'd always feel at home along with a very nice card about how I would miss him and how we'd be waiting here for him to return safely.

How is your spouse helping you heal?
Not at all now- he hasn't called/written/e-mailed or even checked our main (shared) email account in 71 days! An incredibly stupid argument over the phone of me asking him to call more or not call at all apparently lead to him not callin at all :( I'm devastated.

What are you doing to help yourself?

Wallowing in self pity, which obviously, isn't helping. Trying to stay busy to keep things off of my mind, but yet every day I wake up the first thing I do is tell myself how many days it's been since we spoke.

How are you helping your spouse or do you care?

Like an idiot, I'm still mailing him a couple of really nice X-mas packages. One from my son with all thse art projects we did together, and another from me, the cologne he normally wears with a note about how I bought a bottle of it for myself and spray it everywhere around the house so it seems like he's here.


D-Day: 10/16/2006
2007-RECONCILED
We're Happy, Content, In Love, and just had baby #2! CLOUD 9!

Posts: 718 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Cloud 9
letting_go
Member
Member # 13774
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, November 27th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does not having your SM around for such an extended amount of time make it harder for you to stay faithful under the circumstances?


"To change and to improve are two different things."
Anonymous. German proverb.

"It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men." Frederick Douglass (1818-1895)


Posts: 3705 | Registered: Feb 2007
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