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Newest Member: DevastatedWH (43169)

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User Topic: Military Deployment/Affairs
Soldiersgirl
♀ Member
Member # 8188
Default  Posted: 2:40 AM, November 11th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm with you both! I can't stand being the one left behind and I kno what it's like to be the one gone. I've jus tnever done it while DH and I were married. Sometimes I wish I was still active so that he would get a taste of how it feels for me.


You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. ~ Henny Youngman
No man was ever shot by his wife while doing the dishes. ~ Anon
It takes two to make a marriage a success and only one to make it a failure. ~ Herbert Samuel

Posts: 1375 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: Louisiana
DownNotOut
♀ Member
Member # 10076
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, November 14th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Drowning, so much of what you posted resonates with me, especially right now.

Good wife, bad wife, either way, I seem to be the one getting shafted.

Once again, it seems like my job is to be supportive of him and his "mission," his feelings, etc. yet I am not allowed to require him to be supportive of me.

I'm really frustrated today.

I guess what galls me so badly is that I know he has seen my e-mails (I can tell when he has read them) yet he seldom (we're talking hardly, 1 in 10 type of thing) replies.

I'm not asking for a friggin sonnet here! Just a couple lines telling me how you're doing, feeling, etc.

Nope, nothing, nada. Unless, of course, he wants something. Then he's quickly e-mailing me about it.

I have to admit though, that when we do talk (either via IM or phone) it is very good. I always come away feeling loved and happy, missing him badly and wanting to make the remaining months as smooth as possible for him.

But this is a vent, so I'm focusing on what I need that isn't being met.

And this has happened for pretty much every deployment he's been on.

So should I back off my communication and wait for him to ask "What's up?" and risk him thinking I don't love him and send him into the arms of another (I believe he still has this mindset sometimes), or do I continue with my end of the communication (which is something we had agreed upon before he left) and end up feeling like, once again, I got played.

And yes, I will be speaking about this with him when he calls. But it's not a new conversation.

I'm looking forward to all of your perspectives. Thanks.


"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."
~ nimbyone

"Beauty is between one's ears anyway, isn't it?"
~ bkewidow


Posts: 1606 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Unemployed and Hating It
ragingalone
Member
Member # 17029
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, November 14th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am currently a person whose spouse is deployed and have been married for nearly 5 years (been together for 6). I recently found out that before he left, he signed up for a website wanting a NSA one night stand. I found it because the stupidass used his credit card for a GOLD membership. I called him out on it and he SWEARS nothing happened (it was only for attention to see if he still got 'IT', whatever it is). I believe him. I don't know if I am stupid for doing so but I believe him (he had no vehicle, his roomate- who was SINGLE and it pisses me off that he was linked with a single guy- had no vehicle, he was hanging out with GOOD friends of ours when he wasn't at work, etc).
Then I get our cell phone bill. THROUGH THE ROOF FUCKING EXPENSIVE.
I ask who the hell he was talking to. He says a woman that he met on the site (who supposedly lives in another state other than the one where he was stationed at prior to deploying. I guess I should mention that I moved closer to family for the 15 month HELL experience). But it was 'innocent'. Yeah, riiight. I ask him if this is how our marriage is going to be- open. And he said no. I asked him how he would feel if he found out that I made a webpage like he one he did and he replied with 'you are handling it better than I would be in your shoes'. I tell him if he REALLY wants other women, then maybe I should just get myself a boyfriend while he is gone so I can have my cake and eat it too. He didn't like that. I asked him to get an STD test before he comes home for R&R, and although he was shocked that I asked, he understands where my logic is coming from and agreed to get one. He has been an open book and telling me his ghost email addresses and how he has closed them all (and I have checked, they are closed). But I am SUPER pissed off still and that was 2.5 months ago. Every time I talk to him about it, I try and sound secure with myself but I have already told him on multiple occasions that I am VERY insecure with what he does on the internet. In turn, he is barely on it while deployed. So why am I sitll angry? Why am I so paranoid? And why do I feel like he practically FUCKED that woman even though they supposedly only chatted via IM on the cell?
I asked him what he talked about with her and he said 'Normal stuff. She NEVER asked shit you and our familymembers ask about (regarding the upcoming deployment, him dying, him possibly killing other people, etc). And even though I NEVER personally brought any of that negative shit up that comes along with preparing for a deployment, we did our wills, upped our life insurance, made sure that I had POA's, etc. I can't even imagine what it is like for him preparing to go to war and then finding out a week before you go, that you are being pulled from you JOB to do patrols in which you have NEVER trained for (that was the SAME night that he signed up for this website and started talking to this chick). So whatever. I don't know.
I am still hurting and we talk about briefly on the phone and he will mention that he was a 'fucktard' and he was stupid and that he is very sorry. Like I said, he is an open book right now but I still don't trust him. Is it wrong to be this paranoid over a website?


Together - 9/17/2002 Busted him EA - 9/17/2007 (5 years EXACTLY after we got together)
Reconciling and renewed vows - 2/2/2008
D-day#2- 8/12/08 (another EA & profile)Seperated
D-day#3- 10/01/08 PA with OW#1
Filed for Divorce- 11/21/08

Posts: 275 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: heartbreak hotel
ragingalone
Member
Member # 17029
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, November 14th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Edited

[This message edited by ragingalone at 8:43 PM, November 14th (Wednesday)]


Together - 9/17/2002 Busted him EA - 9/17/2007 (5 years EXACTLY after we got together)
Reconciling and renewed vows - 2/2/2008
D-day#2- 8/12/08 (another EA & profile)Seperated
D-day#3- 10/01/08 PA with OW#1
Filed for Divorce- 11/21/08

Posts: 275 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: heartbreak hotel
LMigs528
♀ Member
Member # 13536
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, November 14th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((RA)))

You absolutely have a right to upset/angry/paranoid/etc. My FWH's ways started online. Unlike you, I never addressed them and that subsequently led to his PA...(You can check out my profile for the whole extended version). FWH deployed (his A was going on when he left) and the facts only came out after he left.

For me, this deployment has been a God Sent. It gave him whatever it was he needed to get "it" (life/marriage/me/etc). You can only do so much being seperated by an ocean, and the only way you can gain trust is by putting it out there and pray you dont lose it. Unfortunetly, it is a gamble but something worth the chance. You have to remember you are a strong person. You and your husband can repair your marriage. It will take plenty of patience and time but as long as you both have the same goals, all should pan out. Good Luck.


Just so lost... I hope this road I choose to travel will help Me get found.

Posts: 939 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Long Island, NY
ragingalone
Member
Member # 17029
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, November 14th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, LM.
Honestly, I think this deployment has helped us, so far! I met him after he had been in for 2 years and with this being only his 2nd deployment throughout his 6 years of enlistment, we have been very lucky. However, I think that what he is SEEING over there (as far as other guys getting 'Dear John' letters, etc) is making him realize that I am a GOOD wife and ANYONE would be lucky to have me. I knew that through our rough times that he has always stuck to our vows, even when I screamed the D word at him. He has NEVER wanted to give up and I guess that is a good thing. Eh, I am rambling. I guess I am just scared that it could lead to other shit but at the same time, I feel silly for acting so bitchy towards just a 'profile', you know?

[This message edited by ragingalone at 9:26 PM, November 14th (Wednesday)]


Together - 9/17/2002 Busted him EA - 9/17/2007 (5 years EXACTLY after we got together)
Reconciling and renewed vows - 2/2/2008
D-day#2- 8/12/08 (another EA & profile)Seperated
D-day#3- 10/01/08 PA with OW#1
Filed for Divorce- 11/21/08

Posts: 275 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: heartbreak hotel
LMigs528
♀ Member
Member # 13536
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, November 14th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand but you gotta do what you gotta do. Good Luck!


Just so lost... I hope this road I choose to travel will help Me get found.

Posts: 939 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Long Island, NY
letting_go
Member
Member # 13774
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, November 15th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of my H's junior people came up to him with a problem about his M.

Junior: Rank LG, I am having a family problem.

My H: What is the problem?

Junior: I believe my W is cheating on me while I'm deployed.

My H: You should have thought about what kind of person she was before you M her.

Can you say 'lightbulb' moment for my H and his junior.


"To change and to improve are two different things."
Anonymous. German proverb.

"It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men." Frederick Douglass (1818-1895)


Posts: 3704 | Registered: Feb 2007
letting_go
Member
Member # 13774
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, November 15th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you measure progress for yourself and your R?


"To change and to improve are two different things."
Anonymous. German proverb.

"It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men." Frederick Douglass (1818-1895)


Posts: 3704 | Registered: Feb 2007
Soldiersgirl
♀ Member
Member # 8188
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, November 15th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Letting go,

I guess for me I measure it in how long it goes without my thinking about the a. Or how I feel when the a comes up. I still think the OW is a trashy whore, but I no longer feel that white hot burning rage in my chest when she comes to mind. I don't feel the need to snoop and overall, I'm really starting to trust my fwh again. I measure it in how far I have come since Dday.

And my DH had a moment like that. He and the e6 ((also a WH)) had to counsel their joe because his wife was waiting in another state and he showed up to work with hickeys all over his neck.
His biggest AHA moment though was helping his mother pick up the peices of her life after his stepfather left for a walmart whore and his mother was hospitalized for a suicide attempt. It was then that he began to see my pain from my side.


You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. ~ Henny Youngman
No man was ever shot by his wife while doing the dishes. ~ Anon
It takes two to make a marriage a success and only one to make it a failure. ~ Herbert Samuel

Posts: 1375 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: Louisiana
phillygal
♀ New Member
Member # 16764
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, November 16th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all,
Well I didn't have to confront my WH about the emails I read as he was caught doing something very inappropriate whilst at training in NJ, to cut a long story short the Air Force put a NC order on him and his slut (OMW) and he was pissed off, he called me and blamed me for talking about his business behind his back which made me giggle as I didn't even have to say anything

Anyways, last weekend I got a call from WH squadron saying they were bringing him back to our home station and he was now under investigation for adultry, I made it plainly clear that he was not welcome back into the marital home so they put him in the dorms with all the airman...he is begging to come home, not to R but so that he has home comforts, I don't feel as though this marriage is worth saving

I saw WH for the first time yesterday and I have to admit I was really surprised at myself because I felt absolutely NOTHING for him, I expected to fall apart as I do still love him but I think I have resigned myself to the fact that he wants out of our M one way or another, I still feel very angry and feel the need to rub it in his face that he has screwed up his life, he has gone from being respected by family, frieds and peers to being a laughing stock for being caught....

What now? I ask myslef, I know that I am eventually going to have to let him move back into the marital home and I am not worried about falling in love with him again, I am worried about antagonizing (spelling?) him because thats what I feel I want to do -- He's favorite saying when this all started out was
"If you don't like the bed you have - Buy a new one"
Well I just want to ask WH "how's that new bed??


BS - 43
XH - 35
OMW - 25
MARRIED 15 Yrs together 16 Yrs
KIDS - DD 25, DD 23, DS 22, All from my previous marriage and adopted by my XH
DD - 08/22/07
D - He filed Dec 07, D final 03/31/08 - Heartbroken all over again :(

Posts: 28 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: UK
Piper317
♀ Member
Member # 15330
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, November 16th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, so I am going to see FWH this week and he is in training where the A happened. I am a little on the fence about how this makes me feel. Most of me wants to just take back Texas. We had an amazing time when I was there is March (pre A). Part of me wants the skanky ow to see us together. Part of me wants to see her. The other (probably more rational) part of me wants to NOT see her bc then, she lives in my head as a whorish troll. I DO however want to see the bldg. she works in as it relates to the proximity of where he spends his days in training. Any thoughts? 2x4s? Advice?

[This message edited by Piper317 at 7:34 PM, November 16th (Friday)]


Married 8 years, together 11
BS(me)-34 FWH-37 d-day 7/3/07
♥R!R!R!♥
Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.
Let your clarity define you.
"Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable." ~The Wizard

Posts: 1476 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New York
LMigs528
♀ Member
Member # 13536
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, November 16th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well first congratulations on being able to see FWH. I bet you are very excited (among other things). I know you are going to be on the edge because of WHERE you are going, but try not to let that curb your enjoyment of seeing your FWH. I understand the wanting to see the OW but do you think that would help? For me it was a little of both, it was nice to see she was a beast, but I felt horrible that he felt the need to downgrade. Stay busy, go to dinner, inspect the hotel's bed linens , savor the time. You can not let her get to you. You cant let her locality inhibit your living. If you feel the need to walk on egg shells than she wins. And we wont let that happen to you. You are the winner. And you do not want to waste anytime of your weekend to see her building. Its a waste of life. I learned the hard way, others can say the same. I cant believe all the time I invested in "hunting" down the OW. Now that I look back, not only was it embarassing I was so obsessed, I wasted life that I cant take back. Tell yourself, She is not worth the shit on your shoe. Shes trashy trash. And she will get hers one way or another. Hang in there and enjoy yourself. This weekend is for you and FWH. Dont let her barge her way in (figuratively speaking)!


Just so lost... I hope this road I choose to travel will help Me get found.

Posts: 939 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Long Island, NY
ittybittya
♀ Member
Member # 7527
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, November 16th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sending all you big (((((((HUGS)))))))))))) tonite.

Itty


...still has much to learn :-(

Posts: 13528 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: Oklahoma
Drowning
♀ Member
Member # 13057
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, November 16th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh... I'm still having one of those really cruddy months. You know the kind fo month where the only thing you can think to send in a care package is a dozen black roses or the fact that you'd do anything to have a close friend on the same base to slap them silly for you?

That's all. I barely post anymore and this is my second rant in a week LOL I think it's time I just "lurk" for awhile- LOL


D-Day: 10/16/2006
2007-RECONCILED
We're Happy, Content, In Love, and just had baby #2! CLOUD 9!

Posts: 718 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Cloud 9
phillygal
♀ New Member
Member # 16764
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, November 17th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH entered the marital home again yesterday, the squadron said he had to move back in...we live in base housing, my answer...OK...I stayed out all night, got me a billiting room on base after getting real drunk doing the single thing,hanging out with friends and just having fun, came home this morning and jumped straight in the shower, his face was a picture, I know exactly what he was thinking..Don't cha just love fucking with their minds sometimes

[This message edited by phillygal at 8:08 AM, November 17th (Saturday)]


BS - 43
XH - 35
OMW - 25
MARRIED 15 Yrs together 16 Yrs
KIDS - DD 25, DD 23, DS 22, All from my previous marriage and adopted by my XH
DD - 08/22/07
D - He filed Dec 07, D final 03/31/08 - Heartbroken all over again :(

Posts: 28 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: UK
ragingalone
Member
Member # 17029
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, November 17th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told only one person about my husband's profile. She told me today that when I see him for R&R that I should be prepared for negative feelings leading up to sex or possibly during sex. I NEVER thought of that. How am I going to feel making love to him knowing that he was looking to 'fuck' someone else? Now it is making me anxious. Anyone else have advice/thoughts/feelings on how they felt about becoming intimate with their spouse again?


Together - 9/17/2002 Busted him EA - 9/17/2007 (5 years EXACTLY after we got together)
Reconciling and renewed vows - 2/2/2008
D-day#2- 8/12/08 (another EA & profile)Seperated
D-day#3- 10/01/08 PA with OW#1
Filed for Divorce- 11/21/08

Posts: 275 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: heartbreak hotel
LMigs528
♀ Member
Member # 13536
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, November 17th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RA- We are in the same boat right now. R&R is a few weeks away and I am so nervous (but excited) to see him. If you come up with an answer let me know please!! And congrats on the upcoming R&R!!!


Just so lost... I hope this road I choose to travel will help Me get found.

Posts: 939 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Long Island, NY
Drowning
♀ Member
Member # 13057
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone else have advice/thoughts/feelings on how they felt about becoming intimate with their spouse again?

RAGINGALONE:

You're probably going to get a different answer from everyone reguarding this, because everyone probably has different feelings about it. For me personally, I think I became sort of disconnected from the situation at the moment. I usually still enjoyed myself and we had a good time together, however it was different in the fact that I didn't look at it as a "bonding moment" for us or a way of us "expressing out love" for one another, I looked at it purely as human needs being met. On the rare times that I would try to see it as more than that I would instatnly become unfocused and infuriated. (ex: that hand that's touching me now touched her just like this too, etc etc) So I found it best at first (and still sometimes) to not look at it as two people in love showing their love but moreso basically two people having a good time.

A psychologist probably wouldn't consider what I did to be the most textbook healthy thing to do, but it was the only thing that would work for me in order to satisfy both of our needs.


D-Day: 10/16/2006
2007-RECONCILED
We're Happy, Content, In Love, and just had baby #2! CLOUD 9!

Posts: 718 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Cloud 9
JulesDPH
♀ Member
Member # 17037
Sad  Posted: 8:53 PM, November 19th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When my husband went on his last Air Force deployment, (3 weeks long), I hadn't heard from him which was unusual, so called him after having to track him down in Bogota, Columbia without even knowing what hotel he was at. When I got ahold of him, he just sounded "wrong" somehow. I grilled him a bit and it turns out he was hung over from getting drunk that night (we don't drink or go to bars so this was a huge shock and broken promises). I grilled him some more because I wanted to know what else happened if anything, and he said he had danced a couple of dances with a girl at the bar but that was all. Well I was pretty tore up anyway and called him everything in the book and the stuff I normally do when I'm extremely upset and hurt. I was so mad because it was a total betrayal to me and all the things he'd promised me and everything we believed in. He swore it wouldn't happen again but was acting really weird all week, like distant and being a jerk and wanted his "space". So I tried to give him his "space" and play the stupid game so we could fix things. About a week later, I had this HORRIBLE feeling one evening that something was wrong. I almost had my friend take me to the hospital because it was so bad it was affecting me physically and I was a mess. I couldn't get ahold of him again till like 1:30am. He was drunk again, and we had about the same conversation as last time with me screaming and yelling and crying and he didn't even remember 99% of it in the morning. Things were really crappy after that, and he was just rude and distant and I kept telling him I just wanted to work things out. I just wanted him to come home to me. The few times we talked or emailed before he got home, I asked him and begged him to tell me if there were other times, or if there was anything else he hadn't told me. He swore up and down there wasn't and I needed to not worry, and quit thinking he's lying, etc. Well he got home and things seemed fine other than I had this "feeling" (like the ones I get sometimes about things), that something wasn't right and he had done more when he was gone than he told me about. The first several days we got along fine and had our great "welcome home sex" and everything. 6 days after he came home, (D-DAY 09/06/07) I just still felt like something was wrong. I started asking him and told him I wanted to know what was wrong. He started telling me about all these things he feels that I do wrong, and how he can't talk to me about his feelings anymore, etc. I had a horrible revelation and asked him point blank if he had an affair while he was down there, and he was quiet and just put his head down and nodded. Of course I freaked out and demanded to know a bunch of things like who, how many times, if he wore protection, etc. It turns out she's a 22 year old Colombian girl (I'm 34) who was supposedly a virgin (so no protection), he slept with her "about 9 times" as he put it, and he fell in love with her. He said he didn't know he could feel that way about two people. I completely lost it - worse than I ever have in my life. I threw the phone at his head and beat him in the face over and over, and he almost blacked out. I know the only thing that saved him is the fact that I looked over at my baby and he was looking at us and crying. I have never done anything like that in my life - reacted that way, or gotten that upset. Since then, everything has sucked for the most part. I had a conversation with my father-in-law at some point in all this, and without telling him what was going on, I asked him how we was able to overcome all the things he needed to change about himself and become a better person (he used to be very abusive to my husband and was a different person than the sweet, loving man he is now). He gave me one suggestion that felt right - like I needed to do it. That was to make a list of every way I feel that I've wronged my husband, and to be completely honest with myself, and then work on changing those things. I sat down and did that and all these things just came pouring into my head that I knew I did, but really didn't realize before they were that wrong or hurtful. I wrote all those down and included the things I needed to change in the way I deal with the kids - his, mine and ours. And since then I've been working on those things, and praying and reading my scriptures a lot. I've found so many scriptures that apply exactly to our situation and specifically - these things I want to change about myself too. In one conversation I had with my husband, he asked if I wanted him to write a list of the things I "do wrong", and I told him yes. But I know that he's felt like the changes I've made so far and am working on are superficial and not permanent, and I wanted him to see that I really realized these things about myself, and was very humbled and that these were very painful revelations about myself and I wanted him to know that I did understand I needed to change some things - without him just telling me, and me just doing what he said. So I gave him my list of things about myself to read (6 pages), and I told him he could add the things I missed from his point of view, and he told me that I had pretty much covered everything. I DO feel like he's justified what he did by how crappy he feels I've been to him - with my human flaws and imperfections. Although I want to change these things in myself and better myself, I think it's absolute crap that he's blaming me for his actions. No matter how horrible he perceived I was, or could have been, he made those choices all by himself. I hate that this has been made into my fault, and it seems that I have the responsibility of fixing us - while he sits back to see if I do a good job or not. He never gave me a real chance before and drug me to counseling or our bishop's office or sat me down and said "these things have to change, they are making me unhappy". He's mentioned some things in arguments, but a lot of those things he said he'd retract later and tell me he was just angry. So I had no idea this was coming or that he was even feeling that way. The ironic thing is that I was in our bishop's office right before this happened to discuss the problems I was feeling with our marriage and wanted to bring HIM in and resolve - many of which are the same things he doesn't like about me. But I never for one minute thought our marriage was "on the rocks" so to speak. I just felt that we had some communication issues - like most marriages have at times, and some issues with adjusting to a blended family - which is normal, and my stress dealing with our disabled baby and is health issues. I never loved him any less or wanted to run away, I just wanted us to overcome these things so our marriage could go from GREAT in my eyes to PERFECT! So now I'm doing all I can to change those things in myself, regardless of what happens between us. He's been undecided about whether or not he wanted to work on saving our marriage until this last week - he informed me that he's willing to work on it, but he's still not ready to get rid of her pictures, and emails and his secret email, (even though she's getting married to someone else now - and lives in COLOMBIA none the less), or take all the passwords off his comptuer, etc. I guess he's been torn between his feelings for her, and being afraid that things wouldn't change in his eyes with me, or that things would change but only temporarily, and a bunch of other factors I'm not aware of. He doesn't tell me what he's thinking and feeling about it, I just have to keep guessing and getting small bits and pieces that our friends pass on that he's told them. So I've been trying to work on my marriage - without even really knowing what he's thinking or feeling. It seems like things have been inching toward getting better but then something will happen to ruin that, so I'm trying to hold on to those bits and pieces of good in our marriage and keep hope. We're starting counseling so hopefully we'll have some help working through this in the right ways. I guess there's no point in going on about how I'm feeling - obviously I'm devastated beyond anything I've ever comprehended. I didn't know you could have pain like this and live through it. It's NOTHING like anything I've been through before (which in my life has been a lot). But also, I DO love him unconditionally, and I guess this has been a true test of that. No matter how hurt and angry I am and how bad I want to kill him or myself (not literally of course), my love for him has not changed at all. So I'm trying to keep hope and hang on. I go back and forth between "This is crap, I'm done!" - when I'm feeling low, and "No matter how painful it is, I need to treat this like the Savior would, if I want my marriage to have a chance" - when I'm feeling more spiritual I guess. But if he decides that he doesn't want to work this out, and I do my part and make the changes I need to in myself, I'll only be "half a wreck" if he leaves me.


Me (BS): 35
Him (WS): 33
Married: September 14, 2004
Kids: 4 boys - his, mine and ours.
D-day: September 6, 2007 (yeah, this year was a 'fun' anniversary...)
Her (OW): 22
Currently working on R

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