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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Military Deployment/Affairs
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, September 22nd (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For those specifically dealing with military deployment and infidelity.

Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
Soldiersgirl
♀ Member
Member # 8188
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, September 22nd (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yay! Thank you guys for putting this up. For those who haven't read mine, FWH had an affair during his last deployment. We are two years out from our Dday and are facing our next deployment. All in all though, I think things will go well this time. But I know at some point paranoia and panic will hit me, so just be prepared for that one. :D


You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. ~ Henny Youngman
No man was ever shot by his wife while doing the dishes. ~ Anon
It takes two to make a marriage a success and only one to make it a failure. ~ Herbert Samuel

Posts: 1375 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: Louisiana
betrayedarmyw
♀ Member
Member # 15637
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, September 22nd (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Count me in, I am still dealing with the devastating effects of my H's deployment to Iraq, subsequent drinking, spending and girlfriend. He is living in La la land right now and I have become the enemy.

Posts: 723 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Near Seattle
Piper317
♀ Member
Member # 15330
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, September 22nd (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sucks that we have earned our own thread!!! I am grateful though. Thanks SI Staff!

My FWH's A happened while in training stateside in the spring and this week, he will be returning to the 'scene of the crime' for 4 more months. (OW is enlisted too. But we know she was promoted so we think her job may have changed and therefore there won't be any reason for any further interactions now....it started as a professional relationship and they pole jumped over THAT line.)

Our dday was 7/3/07 and he was supposed to go back almost right away but thankfully we have had the summer to work on R. I am not happy he is going back but still supportive nonetheless. I am definitely in a better place with it now than if he had to go back the week after dday. It still is really hard though.


Married 8 years, together 11
BS(me)-34 FWH-37 d-day 7/3/07
♥R!R!R!♥
Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.
Let your clarity define you.
"Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable." ~The Wizard

Posts: 1476 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New York
sunkissed
♀ Member
Member # 15770
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, September 23rd (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH is military. Does this thread include only A's that happen during deployment?


Sunkissed

Me: BS, 34
FWS: 34

D-day #1 (I thought it was just an EA): July 8th, 2007

D-day #2 (found out was actual PA): July 17th, 2007

D-day #3 - Our anniversary. July 21, 2007.


Posts: 437 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: NC
Kuwaited
♂ Member
Member # 5491
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, September 23rd (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well...I'll be damned!

I'll be interested in seeing how much attention this forum gets. Not sure off the top of my head what my member number is...but there must be 3 times as many members here as when I first joined (almost 3 years ago)....even then I was surprised at how many of "us" were here. There must be many more now.

Don't know how much posting I'll do (being so far past the original betrayal...not sure I have much to offer)...but I will be lurking.


"For every trip to the vet, there's a car ride.", Satchel Pooch.

"At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost." -- Tad...from Craig's List


Posts: 8481 | Registered: Oct 2004 | From: North Atlanta Burbs
cookie24
♀ Member
Member # 15124
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, September 23rd (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm an active duty female and currently deployed. Hopefully I can post on this thread even though my situation is not a result of a military deployment, but I have seen it all during my deployments .

My retired military husband cheated AFTER he got out of the military and during a stupid 3 month new job training in another state. Pisses me off that we have dealt with numerous deployments and separations for longer periods than 3 months and this time he just couldn't keep his pecker in his pants. GAWD!!!!

Plus I had to leave 2 months after d-day , but we're still working on R and it's going well.


Me: BS (49), Him: WS (50)
D-Day 12/11/06 & 12/27/06
Another One 8/13/11
Divorcing

Posts: 270 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Southern Cal
trying2breathe
♀ Member
Member # 15725
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, September 23rd (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWH started his cheating career when he joined the military. He had an A with another recruit during AIT, it was E as well as P. That was 6 years ago, but I feel like it was yesterday since he only came clean about a week ago.

He also has had sex when he was sent to another post and I was left behind until we could find a place. This sex was also with another soldier Anyway, I got "revenge" for a different A altogether when he PCS'd ahead of me the last time, but I do not feel better that I wear both hats.

Sorry I am rambling, my thoughts are all over the place right now. TY for posting this thread.


Posts: 91 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Central Texas
trying2breathe
♀ Member
Member # 15725
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, September 23rd (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTW, my FWH is currently deployed and we are working on R. It is amazing, but because of the remorse and his ability to offer truths that I wouldn't have ever found out about, I actually believe he is being good over there. I am being an angel as far as infidelity goes, there is no other for me he is the love of my life and I hope we can get through this.

Posts: 91 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Central Texas
FindingHope
♀ Member
Member # 15761
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, September 23rd (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh mods! Thank you thank you thank you!

My FWH has two A's during his most recent deployment in Afghanistan.

I've been very curious about others in this boat and I'm drawn to others' stories when it involves deployment. I think deployment changes the dynamic a bit - maybe that's just an excuse?

Huge HUGE hugs to all of you.


Posts: 456 | Registered: Aug 2007
sunlil
♀ Member
Member # 6312
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, September 23rd (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWH is going to be deployed to Iraq in January - this is our first deployment experience. His EA did not occur while deployed but I'm stressing big time about the possibility of him having an A while over there.

Can I post here?


Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced. - Lucille Ball

Posts: 2518 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Central Nevada
Betrayedbookworm
♀ Member
Member # 16289
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, September 23rd (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so grateful that this topic is here! My husband is currently deployed in Afghanistan and having an affair with another married soldier. He says he wants to R...but is still cheating with her, and he won't be home for good til August.

This is a crazier situation than I ever thought I'd encounter! (I'm sure we all feel like that...)

Cookie24, I would love to hear what your take is on affairs during deployments. I myself am really struggling with balancing concern for WS's safety and mental wellbeing with my feelings of betrayal. And added to that is the fact that I really can't comprehend what life is like for him now, or how that might make him vulnerable to an affair.

I am here to listen to any of you who are going through this! Hugs!

(edited to add paragraphs...my post was looking very clunky!)

[This message edited by Betrayedbookworm at 9:22 PM, September 26th (Wednesday)]


Me - BS
Him - WS

Posts: 200 | Registered: Sep 2007
LMigs528
♀ Member
Member # 13536
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, September 23rd (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am very grateful for this thread!! :) Thank You!

My FWH cheated on me BEFORE he deployed. The entire truth didnt come out until he was already deployed. We are 6 months in and things are going well. I feel like this deployment gave us the space we needed BUT I also feel like its putting out complete R on hold (because of the time of seperation).. I am still apprehensive about his honesty but time and work heals.


Just so lost... I hope this road I choose to travel will help Me get found.

Posts: 939 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Long Island, NY
chelle1966316
♀ Member
Member # 4969
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, September 23rd (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is something I hope I dont have to deal with.
My H is being deployed in June to Iraq.
I have issues to trust and I know I will drive myself crazy thinking if he has found someone better while he is there.
Someone more like him.Military.


I am WS from Feb 2004-April 2004 first then a BS.
Together since 1981,married 1987 to present.Divorced,March 2012,for financial reasons, but still together until end of October 2012.Now hes having a midlife crisis and living away from home.


Posts: 4625 | Registered: Jul 2004 | From: Maine
sparklemotion
♀ Member
Member # 13289
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, September 23rd (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is my situation so much more dire considering that it didn't even take a full deployment experience for me to find myself in this situation?

It took just a three week stateside TDY for my husband to throw away a nine year relationship...for a stranger...right before Christmas...

I was always fully aware that I'm not really suited for or compatible with this type of lifestyle, but I never suspected this would be one of the reasons why.

OW is civilian, married, three young children, one of which is still in diapers. She offered to surrender full custody of her kids if my husband was willing to leave his wife and two young children for her as well. How romantic.

Is anyone in a situation in which OW or OM is in close proximity (or works with) WS? The OW in my case is only about a 30 minute drive from where we live.

For those of you 6 months or less out from D-day: this does get better. I don't even feel much anxiety over an impending deployment or TDY. In fact, sometimes I feel I'd welcome the break from this. WH, on the other hand, I feel is insecure and fears I might retaliate or give into some kind of weakness while he's gone.


A matter of complication
When you become a twist
For their latest drink
As they're transitioning

Posts: 1389 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Louisiana
LMigs528
♀ Member
Member # 13536
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, September 23rd (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is anyone in a situation in which OW or OM is in close proximity (or works with) WS? The OW in my case is only about a 30 minute drive from where we live.

Oh yes ma'am. Where we are (and I think it is everywhere).. We refer to them as:
Barrick's Whore's


Just so lost... I hope this road I choose to travel will help Me get found.

Posts: 939 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Long Island, NY
Soldiersgirl
♀ Member
Member # 8188
Default  Posted: 3:17 AM, September 24th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been very curious about others in this boat and I'm drawn to others' stories when it involves deployment. I think deployment changes the dynamic a bit - maybe that's just an excuse?

Honestly, I think it is just an excuse. There are plenty of soldiers who go downrange and are able to remain faithful to their spouses. But I think that it does add some factors that help it along. For one, whether you realizes it or not, rather than uplift one another, they will sit downrange and convince each other their spouses are cheating on them and that makes it okay. There are women who stateside wouldn't get a second glance suddenly becoming the homecoming queen due to lack of anything better. You get the TDY mentality.

But one thing remains true regardless, and I want everyone to remember this one. Deployments do not make people cheat. If someone wants to cheat, they are going to do it at home, in a car, in a tent, on a camel, wherever they want to. Deployments just make it more convenient.

So don't let your ws convince you that the deployment made them do it. That's complete and total BS, and until they put their big boy/girl panties on and own it, nothing can begin to repair itself.


You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. ~ Henny Youngman
No man was ever shot by his wife while doing the dishes. ~ Anon
It takes two to make a marriage a success and only one to make it a failure. ~ Herbert Samuel

Posts: 1375 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: Louisiana
cookie24
♀ Member
Member # 15124
Default  Posted: 4:41 AM, September 24th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But one thing remains true regardless, and I want everyone to remember this one. Deployments do not make people cheat. If someone wants to cheat, they are going to do it at home, in a car, in a tent, on a camel, wherever they want to. Deployments just make it more convenient.

Soldiersgirl I couldn't agree with you more. Plus having males and females living in close proximity and having no one to answer to (spouse), is too great a temptation for some, so it becomes very convenient to cheat.

When my unit went to Afghanistan a few years ago, my CO stood up during the pre-deployment brief with the families and announced that adultery would NOT be condoned in his command. He knew that "elephant" was in the room, and no body wanted to address those fears. So it was his way of letting the spouses know that he would not tolerate the old adage "what happens on deployment, stays on deployment".

I for one hate being around it and hate seeing or suspecting someone of screwing around while we're deployed. Any amount of respect that I had for them is lost. Military families sacrifice enough without having that extra "wrench" thrown into the mix.


Me: BS (49), Him: WS (50)
D-Day 12/11/06 & 12/27/06
Another One 8/13/11
Divorcing

Posts: 270 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Southern Cal
Soldiersgirl
♀ Member
Member # 8188
Default  Posted: 5:12 AM, September 24th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad your CO announced that publicly. It was so ridiculous here even before a deployment that they had to hold a formation just to reiterate--don't fuck your coworkers. Of course the second they got downrange most of them did it anyway. I just hate seeing spouses come hom eand say "oh, but the deployment! It was so hard, and I was all alone and she UNDERSTOOD me! Such BS. And my Dh knows better than to run that by me. I served my time too and I know how it goes. Do you think it pisses them off more when they know you know better?


You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. ~ Henny Youngman
No man was ever shot by his wife while doing the dishes. ~ Anon
It takes two to make a marriage a success and only one to make it a failure. ~ Herbert Samuel

Posts: 1375 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: Louisiana
FindingHope
♀ Member
Member # 15761
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, September 24th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So don't let your ws convince you that the deployment made them do it. That's complete and total BS, and until they put their big boy/girl panties on and own it, nothing can begin to repair itself.

I feel the need to clarify my situation. My WH isn't using the deployment as an excuse, but I think I do sometimes. I'll ask him, "What was going on? What allowed you to get to a place where you could do this????" He'll tell me about what was going on - about taking his guys outside of the wire and how "things" happened. There were a couple of close calls and a couple of freak accidents. His reality was really skewed from what I consider "normal." I woke up thinking about what I would have for breakfast while subconsciously worrying about my husband's well-being (didn't want to acknowledge the fact that "something" could happen out loud, you know?). He woke up thinking, "Is today the day that I go home in a box?" All the while, we'd stopped sharing our struggles, fears, and successes with each other.

He wound up reaching out to OW2 just to feel human again. He felt like he was turning into a machine - he had cut off all the emotional stuff. That took a toll on us, and I'm certain that I reacted to that distance and quite possibly pushed him further away.

I'm not sure that I'm explaining this very well. I'm trying to make sense out of it all. It just sucks. It hurts. And it's sad.

What terrifies me right now is the thought of another deployment. I've gone back over our emails to each other because that's the only concrete stuff that I have. It kills me - everything seemed fine. When I had doubts, I asked him, and he smoothed everything over. He was so stuck between the two worlds. He thought he could pull it off.

I tend to agree with:

Deployments do not make people cheat. If someone wants to cheat, they are going to do it at home, in a car, in a tent, on a camel, wherever they want to. Deployments just make it more convenient.
on most days. But sometimes I just don't know. It seems like all the unfortunate circumstances lined up for him and the universe looked at him, raised an eyebrow and said, "Now, whatchya gonna do???" And instead of calling me and giving me the opportunity to be there for him, he jumped off the edge and said, "F it all, I'm probably not going to make it anyway."

I feel sad and helpless. I feel like I should have known what was going on with him - and I would have, if I had just asked the right questions. We were so damn busy trying to protect each other that we actually created a rift that almost destroyed us.

This turned into quite a long post. Feels good to get some of that out though.

[This message edited by FindingHope at 6:55 AM, September 24th (Monday)]


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