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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses with Same Gender APs.
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, October 9th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, agree about The Monogamy Aspect.

Bunkerette, I felt this way only when bi/gay/??? WH wanted to KISS me.
I guess because I didn't KNOW exactly WHERE his lips had BEEN...& that made me want to hurl!

If he wanted to wear my lingerie...no problem. Just don't be sneaky about it.

For awhile, it was like playing "dress up"...he got so excited!

He never left any marks or stains on my clothing, shoes, etc.

But, after awhile, I really craved having a MAN in my life.
You know, like how it was going to be in the beginning.

The worst thing was how he wanted to seemingly DO everything...it never ended!
Multiple paraphilias is the term, I guess.

I got tired "accomodating" THAT, you know?

[This message edited by dreamlife at 4:12 PM, October 9th (Tuesday)]


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
Nouveau
Member
Member # 1731
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, October 9th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, dreamlife. I know.


I sing the songs of a woman who has passed through anger and outrage to a kind of stunned resignation in the face of overwhelming human folly.....

Posts: 4895 | Registered: Jul 2003 | From: The great frozen tundra
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, October 10th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gosh, it feels so GOOD to know that there are others who 'know' and understand!

WH is off work today...I usually give him a call about 1-2X a month but since I just talked to him last week, I doubt that I will.

And, this is a RELIEF!

I have MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO than chat about the weather, politics, or his weenie job!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
Crossbow
♂ Member
Member # 15224
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, October 10th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I, too, have several friends who are bi & happily married. Bisexual people can certainly be monogamous, if that is their desire. Think about it, are you youself so attracted to people of the opposite sex that you MUST have sex with them? Probably not. Same for bisexual people who believe in monogamy.

My FWW may be bi, not sure. She used to consider herself bi, although her involvement with women was lacking the electric sexual attraction she always had to men. So her involvement with OM was *very* graphic and sexual (although he was 2000 miles away, which saved us a PA), while her involvement with OW was making out, tongue-kissing ( ) and such. Actually, she gets nauseous.

But the fact that she had a same-sex AP still gets to me. When I first found out, I couldn't bring myself to kiss her for about 3 weeks. It about killed her emotionally, but she knew she had bought & paid for that reaction herself.


DDay 7/4/07 found out about online/sexting EA with OM
DDay 7/25/07 found out about OW
In R

2 DSs, ages 8 and 6
DD, 1


Posts: 9376 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Utah
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, October 10th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yes, they can, CB.

there is a woman who is M to a bi-H.

They have children and he has been true to keeping his vows with her.

She calls it having CHARACTER.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
Crossbow
♂ Member
Member # 15224
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, October 11th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Having CHARACTER. Gee, what a concept....


DDay 7/4/07 found out about online/sexting EA with OM
DDay 7/25/07 found out about OW
In R

2 DSs, ages 8 and 6
DD, 1


Posts: 9376 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Utah
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, October 12th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, Crossbow, who woulda thunk...


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 12:06 AM, October 19th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I loathe him.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, October 20th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its odd, you know, now that WH is talking about Legal Seperation with "alimony" for me (because 'I care about you')...he's acting & sounding VERY STRAIGHT.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, October 25th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I talked to him on the phone last night...WH was very, VERY INTERESTED in that Dumbledore character in the harry potter book who is Gay.
He wanted to know what were all the "signs".
and, when I told him...he *GIGGLED* in that femme way.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, October 26th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, I saw this elsewhere:

'At least that GAY male character in Harry Potter is NOT married'!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, October 31st (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, "dress up" night is finally here. My WH's favorite night of the year!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, November 15th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Spoke to WH last night on the phone...he's found a new male " young & attractive" Chiropracter close by where he lives...

Said...'he might even LIKE old guys like me'...

Hmmm...Sounds like...the beginning stages of a new Xmas "Crush"...to me.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, November 23rd (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving
Well, this is the 2nd one that WH did not get the opportunity to ruin...when I get on the other boards about being M to a bi/gay person, the one thing that jumps out is: horrible *loneliness*


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
Laymacia
♀ Member
Member # 16898
Default  Posted: 2:42 AM, December 3rd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've not experienced this personally, but if I did... I would be destroyed completely. I have enough insecurity issues as it is. I already feel like I'm not good enough as a person itself, but to then find out that I'm not good enough as a woman as well? Oy.

Posts: 77 | Registered: Nov 2007
Betrayed74
♀ Member
Member # 17058
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, December 5th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As we were mid-breakup (leaving me for another woman and having had many affairs that I didn't know about) it was revealed that my ex-WS had a gay affair in the beginning of our relationship. He said it 'wasn't sex' because it was 'only oral'. Um, yeah. He refused to admit that he was bi even though he and this man met at least 'several times'. I suspect he met up with that man more times during our relationship based on some strange Yahoo IM profiles I had found. I also recall finding occasional gay porn on his computer mixed in with girlies. Duh. I now know I was in denial.

I was shocked at this news. I had asked him straight up (ha ha)years ago if he had ever been with a man and he said, 'No, no way'.

Honestly, although my best friend is a gay man, I was completely disgusted when I learned of this. I called him names--not nice ones and certainly not ones I'd call my best friend.

It made me question if I'm too closed-minded...maybe it shouldn't matter if he is bi...is it just my issue? etc. But I do think that as a partner, you have a *right* to know, to make informed decisions. I had asked him...he lied.

I'd never really believed in bi. In my experience (which admittedly is limited) the bi girls always ended up with men and the bi boys always ended up with men, too. So, this made me think. Either there really IS bi or else my husband is gay and closeted or in denial.

He said he was curious. He was manic (Bipolar) and feeling sexually deviant. He says he's not 'bi', he's just a sexual deviant.

I'm not sure there is a difference.

Ugh. Even though we're not together anymore (been a month), I still think about it. I know he was never totally honest about the number of affairs/cheating and with whom, so I just can't help but think there were more men mixed in with all those women.

The fact of the matter though, is that he cheated on me. Man or woman...he cheated. He cheated with men AND women so I guess at this point what difference does it make?

Somehow it does, though. Wish it didn't.


Me: 34 BS
Him: 37 XWS

LTA with woman 'friend' 06-07
EA with woman 'friend' '07
D-Day for both: 10/07
XWS moved out for OW#2: 11/07
XWS wants to possibly R: 2/08


Posts: 120 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Colorado
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, December 6th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IC said bipolars have a very *wide spectrum* of sexual deviance due to Hypersexuality.

He sounds so much like my WH.

Is he on meds to be stabilized?

With bipolars...'anyone/everything' is sexual "fair game" according to IC.

Straight men don't have gay male porn on the computer...nope!

(((((huge hugs))))


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
Betrayed74
♀ Member
Member # 17058
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, December 6th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the hugs. I can use all I can get, this is all so new.

He is on meds...but, he's also an alcoholic and you could take your meds every morning and night and still not be stable if you drink as much as he now does. He missed his evening meds almost every day because he'd pass out or forget b/c he was too drunk. And, as a BP1, he was mania-prone and not very depressive at all. I find depression much much more easy to deal with.

I don't know why I was such an idiot to believe I'd be immune to the fallout of mania. I know that sexual deviance, promiscuity, lies, etc are SO common. Oh, me in denial.

He *is* sexually deviant, but all I knew about was his submissive needs and I played along when I found out about it because I wanted him to be happy and satisfied. I think he was trying to say that the man on man thing was another form of deviance/submission (made a point of telling me he was on the bottom--thanks for he visual), but. Hm.

I don't know. How is watching a vid of a guy jerking off submissive? It's deviant...but it's only truly deviant if he really is straight and looking at it. Otherwise, it's just bi in the closet. Does that make sense? 99.9% of the porn on his computer was women, though.

I've heard BP1's described as tri-sexual. They'll try anything.

I'd like to think that ALL of his cheating/affairs were mania/alcohol induced and not a result of horrible character and lack of morality and love for me, but really, where do you draw the line? What is the distinction? Too hard to separate at the end and I guess ultimately it didn't matter. He chose to fall in love and leave and THEN I found out about all of this sh*t.

He was so drunk and manic when he told me about the man that he gave painful painful detail...it was gross and mean-spirited to tell me how much he liked this or that or how much it turned him on to think of it right then, etc.

I had nightmares about it ALL night that night.


Me: 34 BS
Him: 37 XWS

LTA with woman 'friend' 06-07
EA with woman 'friend' '07
D-Day for both: 10/07
XWS moved out for OW#2: 11/07
XWS wants to possibly R: 2/08


Posts: 120 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Colorado
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, December 6th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bipolars are NOT supposed to drink alcohol.
He has a LOT of *Issues* & I really feel for you, sweetie.

After my XH put me through 2 decades of alcoholism & pot smoking (heroin-laced!) tantrums, I was determined to be a "spinster with 99 cats and a parakeet" rather then ever live with this sitch, again!

Enter devious & dishonest online Prince Charming...he actually admitted recently he M his XW as "cover" because he was nearly 40 & people were starting to "TALK" at work...admitted he M me as a *Cover Wife* as well.


This POS has NO character!

And, frankly, I don't give a RIP about his PD's & *other Issues*, etc.


He betrayed ME, period.

Sometimes the female porn can also be a way to deflect suspicion of his bi/gay-ness or they also actually fantasize being the *woman* in the scene, just so you know.

Bonnie Kaye has some really good info online plus a support chat, & aol also has Support for Str8 Spouses, & yahoo as well (Wives of bi/gay husbands).

It IS a nightmare. And, I really feel for you!

Hang in there & keep posting...you are NOT alone.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
Betrayed74
♀ Member
Member # 17058
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, December 6th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you. It's a tough topic...as much as I despise him right now, I won't go blabbing this information all over the place. Only a couple of close friends know about it...

Why does it embarrass ME? It's just yet another thing that he's done that makes me feel humiliated. I tell you--I learned about ALL of his infidelities the last night he was at the house. Talk about shock--bad enough he was leaving me for another woman but the to find out about all the rest in one last night (during which he asked, 'Is it too late to work on you and me?')

UGH!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for the Bonnie Kaye info...I'll check it out. Still, he won't admit that he's 'bi'! Remember...just deviant.


Me: 34 BS
Him: 37 XWS

LTA with woman 'friend' 06-07
EA with woman 'friend' '07
D-Day for both: 10/07
XWS moved out for OW#2: 11/07
XWS wants to possibly R: 2/08


Posts: 120 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Colorado
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