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Newest Member: Devestatedbeyond (44583)

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User Topic: Spouses with Same Gender APs.
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dusty, sorry you found yourself here.

First, go get tested for STD's. Like, yesterday.
Second, accept that if your H was having sexual contact with men, he is likely not straight and very well may be on the road to either bi or gay. Most fight it for a very long time.

Post in "Just Found Out", that forum moves quicker and you will get more support. Just because the A's were with men doesn't' change the fact that YOU need support. There are enough of us on here with gay/bi spouses that you WILL find support.

Hang in there!

me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings

Posts: 4100 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
♀ New Member
Member # 37873
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would like to respond to the comments that a bisexual is really gay and will not be able to stay faithful after cheating with men. The odds are certainly overwhelming that the marriage is doomed, but I am hoping my husband and I defy the odds. It has need 3 years since D day. It is true that it takes a very long time to move past the infidelity. I still have sad days of doubt, but my husband has been working hard to gain back my trust. Some of the comments sound like they came from the straight spouse network. If you are working to save your marriage and remain monogamous, that sight is not supportive. If you decide to end the marriage, then they probably offer a lot of support after divorce. Who knows what the future holds, but having survived those awful first years, I'm betting that we will make it!

Holly Price

Posts: 5 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Houston
♀ New Member
Member # 35875
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Makingitsofar I honestly wish nothing for the best for you and your marriage. I agree with you that the straightspouse website is not good if you are trying to reconcile.

I don't think anyone said here that bisexual is really gay, but I will say that many gay husbands in denial will claim to be bisexual because they are ashamed to be gay. My own husband who had a 6-7 year affair with a man ( other partners) and never slept with me once during that time, denies he is gay. Sorry I don't buy that. That doesn't mean a man who is truly bisexual cannot be faithful to a woman, but a lot depends on the circumstances of the cheating. I don't think anything is wrong with advising caution and a great deal of watchfulness.

Posts: 39 | Registered: Jun 2012
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Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think anything is wrong with advising caution and a great deal of watchfulness.

That's true no matter what gender the ap is, of course.

Makingit, I think the right stuff to focus on is stuff like:

Is your H bi or gay?
If bi, is he willing to be monogamous?
Do you want him back?
Are you both willing to do the work of R?

Clearly, some women enjoy sex with both men and women. Logically, there are men who really are bi and who enjoy sex with both men and women.

Your H is the one who knows best what he likes.

I wish you the best in your attempt to R. If your H is hooked enough on you and if he does the work, I bet your odds of success are about as good as everybody else's.

fBH (me) - 70, fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9918 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
♂ Member
Member # 42650
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

About two months ago I came home and smelled vagina on my WW face when I kissed her. I asked about it, she denied having given a woman oral sex, but I know she had girlfriends in college, she wont admit anything but a man never mistakes that smell for anything. The only other explaination is that she recieved oral then made out. The very idea is sickening to me.

Her (WW 40s) Me (BH, 40s) very young DS & DD

“Whatever follows after DD is much more crucial than the infidelity action itself” Quote by SI Member Melian40

"I'm a good man, not an option" - Steppingup

Posts: 351 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CALI
♂ New Member
Member # 19439
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After reading through all the posts, I know this thread is pretty dormant, but I am sure there are many new victims of same gender affairs.

My story is as follows. First a little history, my wife had an affair with my best friend back in 2002. After years of working at rebuilding, roughly 5 to be truly happy again, she had another affair, this time with a lesbian friend (2013). From the events of 2002 I had promised that I would listen to my gut in future. So I caught onto the affair pretty quickly, I believe I know the full extent, however my wife lied so many times in 2002 and again when I suspected the unthinkable, that she was having an affair with another woman.

I had always said there would be no second time, a second time would mean divorce. In the end by some miracle I have managed to stick in there.

While I have managed to move on from the actual affair, some nagging questions remain. What is her true sexual preference, does she even know? When is a female friend becoming to close? Not really something I had ever had to worry about, but now I do. It just adds so much complexity to life. Another fear which seems common, will she one day decide that she is lesbian and drop me. More like is she happy or is she simply doing what she feels is right...

I wonder if this isn't best likened to opening pandora's box. Once opened there is no going back. Like she crossed a line and there is no going back. I am not sure if I imagine it or not, but I feel her personality is different now.

I know there are no answers, probably why I have never asked questions on this forum. Each situation is different, but for the sake of sharing I have written this post.

[This message edited by artec at 8:44 AM, August 14th (Thursday)]

Me: BS (July 2002, Nov 2013)
Married: Feb 2000
2 daughters

Posts: 32 | Registered: May 2008 | From: South Africa
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She could be bisexual. And therefore a cheater not someone inevitably drawn to another of the same gender.

It is very difficult,,short of a confession of sexual,attraction and acts, to know when women cross the line. To me,,their normal lives are an EA as they talk about intimate things with each other all,the time as parts,of normal conversations,,kiss each other hello and goodbye,,etc.

She could see a C to,explore why she was attracted to this woman. But she should have known of any same gender attraction from her teen years on. Just like heteros know of opposite sex attraction from those years on.

I don't buy my wife's "girls,just wanna have fun" explanation for her lurid behavior once a year with her gf's. Yet that's essentially the explanation I get.

Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, man, artec. A 2nd A after 11 years - that's pretty close to unbearable, but you have to bear it.

My sense is that I have to face almost all the same issues with a same-gender ap as everybody else does. The one thing that makes this easier for me is that my W's cheating with a woman could be saying I'm a lousy woman, so I must be a great man. But that's not really true - I believe the WS's A has nothing to do with the BS.

The other side of this, as you realize, is whether your W is bi or homosexual, and if she's bi, what does she have to do to be monogamous. Those are questions only she can answer.

In any case, SI can provide lots of support. Ask for what you want.

fBH (me) - 70, fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9918 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
♂ New Member
Member # 19439
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the responses. Schadenfreude, you make an interesting point with regard to female friendships being very close to EA's. In my W's case this is how it started, the lines blurred and before you know it a line has been crossed.

Before close friendships never bothered me, I believed and still do believe they are important. However, with the line that was crossed such friendships now concern me.

Anyway, my decision was that I would not police my W, that's not my idea of a marriage. If she wants our marriage to work, she needs to take control of her thoughts and actions.

sisoon, good chuckle at your comment about being a lousy woman and hence a great man .

Me: BS (July 2002, Nov 2013)
Married: Feb 2000
2 daughters

Posts: 32 | Registered: May 2008 | From: South Africa
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