Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Sunnyhopeful82 (45341)

I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses with Same Gender APs.
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, May 29th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dusty, sorry you found yourself here.

First, go get tested for STD's. Like, yesterday.
Second, accept that if your H was having sexual contact with men, he is likely not straight and very well may be on the road to either bi or gay. Most fight it for a very long time.

Post in "Just Found Out", that forum moves quicker and you will get more support. Just because the A's were with men doesn't' change the fact that YOU need support. There are enough of us on here with gay/bi spouses that you WILL find support.

Hang in there!


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4185 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Makingitsofar
♀ New Member
Member # 37873
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would like to respond to the comments that a bisexual is really gay and will not be able to stay faithful after cheating with men. The odds are certainly overwhelming that the marriage is doomed, but I am hoping my husband and I defy the odds. It has need 3 years since D day. It is true that it takes a very long time to move past the infidelity. I still have sad days of doubt, but my husband has been working hard to gain back my trust. Some of the comments sound like they came from the straight spouse network. If you are working to save your marriage and remain monogamous, that sight is not supportive. If you decide to end the marriage, then they probably offer a lot of support after divorce. Who knows what the future holds, but having survived those awful first years, I'm betting that we will make it!


Holly Price

Posts: 5 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Houston
NotGonnaTakeIt
♀ New Member
Member # 35875
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Makingitsofar I honestly wish nothing for the best for you and your marriage. I agree with you that the straightspouse website is not good if you are trying to reconcile.

I don't think anyone said here that bisexual is really gay, but I will say that many gay husbands in denial will claim to be bisexual because they are ashamed to be gay. My own husband who had a 6-7 year affair with a man (exclusively...no other partners) and never slept with me once during that time, denies he is gay. Sorry I don't buy that. That doesn't mean a man who is truly bisexual cannot be faithful to a woman, but a lot depends on the circumstances of the cheating. I don't think anything is wrong with advising caution and a great deal of watchfulness.


Posts: 39 | Registered: Jun 2012
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, July 13th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think anything is wrong with advising caution and a great deal of watchfulness.

That's true no matter what gender the ap is, of course.

Makingit, I think the right stuff to focus on is stuff like:

Is your H bi or gay?
If bi, is he willing to be monogamous?
Do you want him back?
Are you both willing to do the work of R?

Clearly, some women enjoy sex with both men and women. Logically, there are men who really are bi and who enjoy sex with both men and women.

Your H is the one who knows best what he likes.

I wish you the best in your attempt to R. If your H is hooked enough on you and if he does the work, I bet your odds of success are about as good as everybody else's.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10362 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
steppingup
♂ Member
Member # 42650
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

About two months ago I came home and smelled vagina on my WW face when I kissed her. I asked about it, she denied having given a woman oral sex, but I know she had girlfriends in college, she wont admit anything but a man never mistakes that smell for anything. The only other explaination is that she recieved oral then made out. The very idea is sickening to me.


Her (WW 40s) Me (BH, 40s) very young DS & DD

“Whatever follows after DD is much more crucial than the infidelity action itself” Quote by SI Member Melian40

"I'm a good man, not an option" - Steppingup


Posts: 498 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CALI
artec
♂ New Member
Member # 19439
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After reading through all the posts, I know this thread is pretty dormant, but I am sure there are many new victims of same gender affairs.

My story is as follows. First a little history, my wife had an affair with my best friend back in 2002. After years of working at rebuilding, roughly 5 to be truly happy again, she had another affair, this time with a lesbian friend (2013). From the events of 2002 I had promised that I would listen to my gut in future. So I caught onto the affair pretty quickly, I believe I know the full extent, however my wife lied so many times in 2002 and again when I suspected the unthinkable, that she was having an affair with another woman.

I had always said there would be no second time, a second time would mean divorce. In the end by some miracle I have managed to stick in there.

While I have managed to move on from the actual affair, some nagging questions remain. What is her true sexual preference, does she even know? When is a female friend becoming to close? Not really something I had ever had to worry about, but now I do. It just adds so much complexity to life. Another fear which seems common, will she one day decide that she is lesbian and drop me. More like is she happy or is she simply doing what she feels is right...

I wonder if this isn't best likened to opening pandora's box. Once opened there is no going back. Like she crossed a line and there is no going back. I am not sure if I imagine it or not, but I feel her personality is different now.

I know there are no answers, probably why I have never asked questions on this forum. Each situation is different, but for the sake of sharing I have written this post.

[This message edited by artec at 8:44 AM, August 14th (Thursday)]


Me: BS (July 2002, Nov 2013)
Married: Feb 2000
2 daughters

Posts: 36 | Registered: May 2008 | From: South Africa
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She could be bisexual. And therefore a cheater not someone inevitably drawn to another of the same gender.

It is very difficult,,short of a confession of sexual,attraction and acts, to know when women cross the line. To me,,their normal lives are an EA as they talk about intimate things with each other all,the time as parts,of normal conversations,,kiss each other hello and goodbye,,etc.

She could see a C to,explore why she was attracted to this woman. But she should have known of any same gender attraction from her teen years on. Just like heteros know of opposite sex attraction from those years on.

I don't buy my wife's "girls,just wanna have fun" explanation for her lurid behavior once a year with her gf's. Yet that's essentially the explanation I get.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, man, artec. A 2nd A after 11 years - that's pretty close to unbearable, but you have to bear it.

My sense is that I have to face almost all the same issues with a same-gender ap as everybody else does. The one thing that makes this easier for me is that my W's cheating with a woman could be saying I'm a lousy woman, so I must be a great man. But that's not really true - I believe the WS's A has nothing to do with the BS.

The other side of this, as you realize, is whether your W is bi or homosexual, and if she's bi, what does she have to do to be monogamous. Those are questions only she can answer.

In any case, SI can provide lots of support. Ask for what you want.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10362 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
artec
♂ New Member
Member # 19439
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the responses. Schadenfreude, you make an interesting point with regard to female friendships being very close to EA's. In my W's case this is how it started, the lines blurred and before you know it a line has been crossed.

Before close friendships never bothered me, I believed and still do believe they are important. However, with the line that was crossed such friendships now concern me.

Anyway, my decision was that I would not police my W, that's not my idea of a marriage. If she wants our marriage to work, she needs to take control of her thoughts and actions.

sisoon, good chuckle at your comment about being a lousy woman and hence a great man .


Me: BS (July 2002, Nov 2013)
Married: Feb 2000
2 daughters

Posts: 36 | Registered: May 2008 | From: South Africa
awful
♀ New Member
Member # 44623
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, September 15th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out a few months ago that while attending an out of state event, my husband had sex with another man. I know this because he came home and confessed through hysterical tears.

Basically he said he was at the hotel bar visiting with folks and talking to this one guy. He has a vague recollection of going up to his room but no memory of anything after that.

He acknowledged having too much to drink but said he hadn't had that much and was/is bothered that he doesn't know what happened.

A week after this revelation he came clean about 2 other affairs - both with women.

I'm obviously very confused and would appreciate any thoughts or suggestions.


Posts: 40 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: Texas
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, September 15th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Who is this guy? Why was he talking to him? What was he talking to him about? Why did he go to this man's hotel room? All of these questions need to be answered.

I think this is the tip of the iceberg.

I recommended a polygraph earlier..that advice still stands.

Also, he needs to be tested for STD's..and he needs to tell the person giving the tests that he had sex with a man..so they test for the right things. You also need to be tested.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7682 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, September 16th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with confused615 on this. Your H sounds like he wants you to think he was drugged - even if that's so, testing is essential.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10362 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, September 16th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah...I'm with the others. First, you need to be tested and insist he tests for ALL STD's and don't have sex with him.

It is pretty simple that hetero men don't have sex with other men...even if drugged or drunk. My ex drank in the earlier affairs to lower his inhibitions. You ex sounds like he is laying down a story, and my ex sure felt relieved that his "secret" was out. I heard plenty of "stories" over the years, and in a twisted way, they feel like they are "protecting us" from the truth. The truth is going to hurt us, so they tell lies assuming the lies won't hurt. It is a twisted way of thinking.

My ex was having sex with me and men, so not sure what that made him. We weren't the couple that had NO sex for years and then the guy comes out gay...we were active until d-day, then experienced hysterical bonding. Now, 4+ years later, he is out as a gay man but will sexually flirt with me.

It is confusing at best.

Feel free to reach out to any of us, there are several of us on these boards. Cheating is cheating...you will get a ton of support. Also, if you can find a good therapist for YOURSELF....go.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4185 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
awful
♀ New Member
Member # 44623
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, September 17th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for responding, it really does help to know I am not the only woman who has ever tried to deal with this.

We both were tested for STD's and thankfully everything was negative. He confessed to me about the other man because he was afraid he had contracted something and wanted us to see our doctor.

I know he thinks he was drugged but I just can't wrap my head around that. Given that he also confessed to having affairs with 2 different women, I just do not know what to think about any of it.

Also, it seemed much easier for him to confess about his encounter with the other man than it did the other women. That confession came a week later after I pestered him to tell me everything.

He says he is ashamed, is not gay or bi and has no clue as to why that happened. I am still trying to process all of it but I can't shake the feeling that he hasn't told me everything (even though he swears he has). Maybe the polygraph idea is good but that sounds so extreme. how would I even approach the idea with him?


Posts: 40 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: Texas
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, September 17th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can safely say that I heard the same thing, "I'm not gay or bi, I have no idea, I was just curious, it just happened, blah, blah, blah..."

The reality is that he isn't ready to face himself...or you for that matter.

I didn't go the polygraph route, I knew that I had enough information that I didn't want any additional pain. But, if I had found SI sooner, I think I would have done things differently. I would have insisted on more from him.

If you can do marriage counseling, then I would approach it in there if you aren't comfortable just telling him honestly, "I don't trust you right now to tell me the truth. A polygraph will go a long way in establishing the beginning of trust..." Also, post in the Reconciliation forum is that is what you are thinking...infidelity is infidelity. Although he cheated with men and women, the behavior patterns are the same.

Hang in there.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4185 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
awful
♀ New Member
Member # 44623
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, September 18th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cmego - you are right on so many levels. I actually used your words with him last night and told him I didn't think he had been totally truthful and that it might be because he couldn't face himself or me just yet.

I said that perhaps submitting to a polygraph test would really help us both get to the bottom of a few things. he readily agreed and said he would do it. we shall see.

thanks again for your advice and encouraging words, they are keeping at least part of my sanity intact.


Posts: 40 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: Texas
Good1
♀ New Member
Member # 45180
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, October 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please forgive me for bumping this thread but I'm new and don't quite know the ettiquitte here yet.
I am looking for anyone who has been through something similar.
I am the BS who found out last week that my WH has been calling Transexual escorts. He says he only called because he was curious and never followed through. he wants to reconcile and tells me he is straight. I have these nightmares where he leaves me for a man. I am at such a loss. I want to believe him and move on but I feel like I'm not getting the whole story.


Note to self: Every time you were convinced you couldn't go on, you DID.

Posts: 24 | Registered: Oct 2014 | From: Midwest
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, October 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Good1...welcome.

The truth is, straight men have no desire..nor are they curious..about being with other men. He is either gay,bi, or he has some serious foo/abuse issues to deal with.

I got a polygraph after 2.5 years of "R." it was the best thing I could have done. I only wish I had done it shortly after dday. It would have saved me so much heartache.

If I were you, I would insist on a polygraph, right away.

The chances that he didn't meet up with one of these people is very small.

Im sorry.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7682 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, October 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good1~

I'm with confused. Heterosexual men are not interested in other men. At all. They are not curious. BTW...I got that too..."I was just curious...and I'm straight..."

They WANT to be straight, but they aren't and haven't accepted that yet. They don't want to hurt you either...but they ARE hurting you. Mine truly believed that as long as I didn't know what he was doing, then I wasn't getting hurt.

I tried to R with my ex for almost 9 months before he had another affair. It was then that I realized he was just fighting the inevitable. He needed to go through his own process about accepting who he is. That isn't the type of relationship I wanted. Some people are able to maintain relationships with bi/gay spouses, but it takes a lot of open communication and I'd guess a lot of therapy.

You need to find yourself a therapist, and also go to marital counseling if you want to try to R.

YOU need support too, and that was one of the best things I did was to find a great therapist.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4185 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Good1
♀ New Member
Member # 45180
Default  Posted: 5:47 AM, October 11th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you confused and cmego

I have to say I left him last night. He just couldn't handle my emotional ups and downs. He had the nerve to minimize what he's done.
I just couldn't sit there and deal.

I think Ill start looking for a fabulous attorney

I'm not going to put myself through this any longer.


Note to self: Every time you were convinced you couldn't go on, you DID.

Posts: 24 | Registered: Oct 2014 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 401
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21

Return to Forum: I Can Relate Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.