[This message edited by Brandon808 at 12:33 PM, August 29th (Wednesday)]
Once I said my "I DOs", though.. that was done. Even the few times my husband suggested a 3some - it was a non issue as far as I was concerned. Didn't want to go there.
Given how open and accepting I am of other people's sexuality you would think my own WH would have been able to tell me he was attracted to men. But he still hasn't. He has always denied it.. yet I have proof that he is visiting men on craigslist.. for what? knitting advice? I think not.
Up until I started posting here I felt a sense of shame wrt WHs proclivities.. Me? Feel shame? The shame is his.. This space has been very freeing. I am hoping once I find a CSAT and can make an appointment that the freeing up of my codependant nature, etc will continue.
I want me back.. with or without him.
I still feel some shame about it, like I did something wrong. People STILL ask me, "Didn't you KNOW???". He was my husband, he was having sex with me...how would I know?
"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings
I keep track of the OM on facebook. WH has been NC with him since d-day. Today,OM posted a pic that said "never look down on anyone unless they're giving you head."
Im triggering like crazy right now. Im not sure how to deal with this. I hate it. I hate that WH did this. I cant look at him the same anymore. He isnt who I thought he was. I have trouble having sex with him. When he kisses me,I have images of what he did with his mouth when with OM. it's so painful. And I am so confused. I truly have no issue with gay people or what they do when they're intimate. I really dont. But this is my husband. And thinking about it makes me sick to my stomach.
Im not sure Ive ever posted here on this thread. Im not sure why not. My story is widely known on SI. But today,after seeing the pic the Om posted on facebook,I found myself here.
So sad today. And angry as Hell at my husband.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
[This message edited by exhaustedHeart at 4:08 PM, August 29th (Wednesday)]
OW 51 Ex-con, HARD Butch Lesbian living in her mom's basement
OM (Previous 2 Year A)~62 Sleazy, Stereotypical Italian Hairdresser
M 22 years, 3 kids(8, 15, 18)
NC Broken 12/7/12
I'm so sick of feeling like I'm this one in a million freak who had this happy relationship with a healthy sex life and then BAM he's on a gay hook up site for months.
Dear lord. Sometimes when I can't sleep at night I just think to myself, thank you for letting me find this place so early on after discovering his indiscretions.
I think I'd have lost my mind or something worse if I hadn't found this club of the unwilling. Thank you all for sharing your stories. I am finding a small sense of normalcy that I haven't this whole week.
Please be very careful!
One can pick up e coli from Dump Parties and other vile activities, too! UG
Found out my WW's A started 4 months nto our marriage. OW was her co-worker, my WW was her supervisor. Some time ago, can't remember if we were already married then, my wife mentioned that she had a relationship with a girl back in highschool. She assured me that it was nothing, that the relationship was just like to best friends. Now that I found out about the A, I'm wondering if she is filling a need that wasn't completed since the highschool relationship wasn't physical.
She has not given me the chance to talk to her face to face or even over the phone since she ran away on Dday.
My sitch is a lot different from yours. My W went NC and committed to R on D-Day, even though I held back.
You ask if you should hold on, but hold on to what? If your W isn't communicating with you, there isn't much you can do except detach and start going your own way.
You can remain open to R - and I expect I would have been open to R if my W had left for ow (after all, we had 45-ish years together) - but you owe it to yourself to start healing, rebuilding your strengths, maybe even filing for D - but there's no relationship if she won't relate.
So: my recommendation is to process your feelings, with IC help unless you really object to that, and start building a life on your own.
At the same time, keep hoping for your W to wake up and decide she wants to be monogamous with you. I trust you know the odds are very much against you - but if you want R, who cares? Maybe the odds are 1 million to 1 against you, but you could be that one.
But don't let hope ruin your life. Build your new life alone. Prepare to D.
IMO, a large part of healing is the same for all BSes, no matter whether they R or D and no matter who the ap is. That's because you have to heal yourself, and that means processing grief, anger, and fear.
Also, I thought more people lurked here. Sorry I gave you a bum steer.
To me, especially if they have a same sex experience as a young person, they are simply trying to fight nature. Generally, if they are fighting being gay/lesbian/bi, about the time they turn 30 it becomes harder to fight. (I read this in all of the research I did....).
What are you holding on to? If she has left, you need to start closing that chapter and move on with your life. There will be someone else out there for you when you are ready. We all deserve better.
I found out my husband was sexting other men using that grindr app. They were exchanging pictures of their genitals and H told the guys he is married and "deep in the closet".
The whole thing was shocking; I would have never expected this to happen.
He denies being attracted to men and is blaming it on alcohol and also swears he has never physically cheated on me.
This just happened yesterday and I am a mess. I have a call in to see a therapist and am scared.
I feel betrayed and also that I don't even know the man that I married.
We have kids together, so that makes it even more complicated.
Anyway, I am glad to find a place where others have been through similar things.