They mean "I don't want to tell you." He is lying. I speak from the experience of one who spent years in the dark, but when the light finally shone on all the facts, I saw I wasn't the crazy one after all.
[This message edited by SGRBEET at 11:11 AM, May 10th (Thursday)]
From what I've learned here at SI, some of them never talk. And really, do we honestly know if they're telling the truth anyway?
I have yelled, been nice, have gone to counseling with him and he still says, "I don't know" or "I don't remember". What the heck????I have gave him books to read, wrote him letters, talked to him until I'm blue in the face. But he won't budge.
If a person is bipolar, there's a chance they are telling the truth and don't remember what they did or said when they were in a manic stage. All too commonly, hypersexuality appears with the mania & mania doesn't always mean happy, happy...but can mean grandiose & grumpy or worse.
Bipolar was something I didn't even think about on my first D-day some 14 yrs ago. Now I've been on the hunt to find this diagnosis (or more) for my on and off, now off fWH. Everyone I've either talked to or consulted with thinks he fits the profile, but the one Psychiatrist he saw during mania & blew smoke signals during the appt. After I talked to the man, he said yes, my input would have made a big difference.
Anyways, I throw that out there for all of you, because of the hypersexuality state bipolar brings. My daughter recently has been diagnosed & she admits to both the hypersexuality and the forgetting of events & facts. Affairs alone are addictive on their own & even without bipolar there are also other personality & mood disorders to consider.
About the best advise I could give someone, having been through this too many times, is don't rugsweep the first time. If they can't learn the lesson & become remorseful, & it happens again, something bigger is an issue & it may be better to move on to a better life. It's never too late.
I also scheduled a polygraph and cancelled (the examiner even said they are only 80-90% effective). I didn't want to put either of us through that when there was a chance that it wouldn't give me the 100% proof I needed to get out of limbo.
oldtimer97-you may be on to something with the bipolar/mood disorder. I made him see a psychiatrist as a condition of R and he said he was diagnosed with a unspecified mood disorder (but doesn't fit typical conditions to meet any standard one) and ADHD but H is on meds now and he is much more stable and committed to hear me and see me than he ever was in the first 32 years of our relationship. I tried over the last 15 years to get him to see someone for mental health and he refused. I guess now with the fact that I might leave him, he has decided he needs to go? I guess that's a good thing. I don't know if it really matters to me at this point, but I know he has been a much better person and father to his kids because of it. And we also have a son who has dealt with the same kind of mood disorder from birth and was just diagnosed. Some of his mental deficiences may have caused him to seek out SA type of behaviors.
That being said, we are going back to counseling so maybe there I will be able to get him to tell me the whole truth. I just know that is what it holding me back. How can I begin to trust without knowing he has told the truth? I know I can't!
[This message edited by SGRBEET at 1:50 PM, May 10th (Thursday)]
For our particular thread here, there are 2 very critical things I am so glad I did, esp. since WH was being extremely secretive about our finances:
Install a good key logger...one you must pay for like eblaster. Get the Top of the Line.
Pop out the old Hard Drive & replace with a new one. I took the tower of our XP to a tech shop and told them I needed this done as per my atty's instructions for a pending legal case. I had a copy also made of the old HD...just in case.
The original HD is in my D atty's office.
At this point, I don't give a rip who he screwed, but I will be damned if he is screwing me, or the IRS, financially.
So sad, too bad.
I am not a techie at all and many SI folks have really helped me over the years in the I Forum since WH has an MBA plus is a computer programmer, etc.
Just doing these 2 things & SOON should really help illuminate the darkness, promise!
[This message edited by millionpieces123 at 6:35 PM, January 6th (Sunday)]
..i see you made your one and only post here way back on Jan.6..
..hope you are still reading here and getting advice and comfort..
..yes, you are certainly being kept in the dark, both finacially and in the truth department.
..your WH is totally disrespecting you as an equal partner in this marriage..
..he appears to be a dominating and controlling type, whose agenda is to manipulate you and still get all the hookers he wants.
..are you protecting yourself from sexual contact with him..??? have you been STD tested?? do not allow him to keep you fooled and naive..
..do you have a lawyer?.. consult with one.. soon!..
..confide in a trusted friend.. (if there is one to be had out there?)
..i looked on this thread because i had been kept in the dark for 40 years before i finally got the truth..
..no, you are not asking too much.. you deserve truth, honesty, integrity and respect, not to mention the love that is supposed to make the other things all worth while!!
..if he can't invest those things in you, then he certainly isn't worth keeping..
..sending out hugs of support and hope you can get to a happy place in all this heartbreak
[This message edited by somanyyears at 11:52 AM, January 23rd (Wednesday)]
.having a child can bring two people closer and be the difference in staying or leaving..
..sadly, a child can also bring extreme pressures to the relationship that is already under stress ..and can make matters worse, thru no fault of the child!!
..if you are expecting..congratulations.. i wish you all the best for you and your little one
..this journey often takes much longer than we would expect or ever imagine
..hope you can find the ultimate happiness you so deserve..
This all started back in 2008 when my gut was screaming at me that somethings just not right. It also seems that right before we take a vacation or right after we come back from vacation, he has a work trip scheduled…..I am just so lost.
I hope hope hope that the truth comes out... and SOON!!!
But then again, maybe it is something else...
Just when I think I need a PI for answers, things seem better between us then next thing I know he changes his phone lock and starts acting odd again.
I hate this.
Short story, found email to escort regarding a meeting back in November of 2012 (we had been dating only a couple of months but had already said "I love yous", etc. He claims that he didn't keep the appointment. That he had been on her website when he was still single, saw an email that she was going to be in town and was interested in the experience. But that ultimately he didn't go. I have no choice but to believe him. Part of me, however, will always wonder.
Flash-forward 3 weeks. He removed the email account from his phone that the message had been sent from. I was very upset about it and told him that it makes me wonder if he's hiding something from me. He offered to put the account back on the phone and has followed through on that.
I've been away for a couple of weeks and took a peak at his browsing history when I got home. For three days he looked at nanny cams/home security systems... why? Was he looking them up for someone else (he's like that.... he'll help people find products by reading reviews, etc... it's something he regularly does) or is he thinking of istalling one in his office to see if I'm snooping on his computer? Or am I being completely paranoid?
What about the backpage.com search? Was he looking for a new lawn mower or an escort?
He's turned me into a complete crazy person... checking the phone records and texts.... never finding anything suspicious. But everything seems to trigger something in me these days. The more I read on the site the more I think that things are worse than I think but I can't find any proof! I hate this. Taking anxiety medication every day now just to get through the day.