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User Topic: For Those Still In The Dark
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Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, May 9th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And btw, what does the answers "I don't know" and "I don't remember" mean when your spouse replies to your questions about his behavior regarding his indiscretions? Can this actual be the truth? He really doesn't remember? Or is he lying? I can't tell.

Posts: 93 | Registered: Apr 2012
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Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, May 10th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

<And btw, what does the answers "I don't know" and "I don't remember" mean when your spouse replies to your questions about his behavior regarding his indiscretions? Can this actual be the truth? He really doesn't remember? Or is he lying? I can't tell.>

They mean "I don't want to tell you." He is lying. I speak from the experience of one who spent years in the dark, but when the light finally shone on all the facts, I saw I wasn't the crazy one after all.

-betrayed almost my whole almost 15 yr marriage
-divorced since 2004

Posts: 782 | Registered: Aug 2011
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Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, May 10th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I figured that. Maybe I just want to believe him so badly that I look the other way. How do you get your spouse to tell the truth??? I have yelled, been nice, have gone to counseling with him and he still says, "I don't know" or "I don't remember". What the heck????I have gave him books to read, wrote him letters, talked to him until I'm blue in the face. But he won't budge. I know it's probably because what he is hiding will HURT me, but not telling the truth is too and it's hard to move forward. He just doesn't get it.

[This message edited by SGRBEET at 11:11 AM, May 10th (Thursday)]

Posts: 93 | Registered: Apr 2012
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Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, May 10th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((SGRBEET)) as hard as it is, and as crazy as it sounds, the 180, found in the Healing Library, works well.
That and patience. He'll talk when/if he doesn't feel cornered, if he talks at all.

From what I've learned here at SI, some of them never talk. And really, do we honestly know if they're telling the truth anyway?

Cheaters lie!

Me: BS 51 and Freaking AWESOME!
Him: Who the fuck cares........

Posts: 259 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Puget Sound
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Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, May 10th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have yelled, been nice, have gone to counseling with him and he still says, "I don't know" or "I don't remember". What the heck????I have gave him books to read, wrote him letters, talked to him until I'm blue in the face. But he won't budge.

If a person is bipolar, there's a chance they are telling the truth and don't remember what they did or said when they were in a manic stage. All too commonly, hypersexuality appears with the mania & mania doesn't always mean happy, happy...but can mean grandiose & grumpy or worse.

Bipolar was something I didn't even think about on my first D-day some 14 yrs ago. Now I've been on the hunt to find this diagnosis (or more) for my on and off, now off fWH. Everyone I've either talked to or consulted with thinks he fits the profile, but the one Psychiatrist he saw during mania & blew smoke signals during the appt. After I talked to the man, he said yes, my input would have made a big difference.

Anyways, I throw that out there for all of you, because of the hypersexuality state bipolar brings. My daughter recently has been diagnosed & she admits to both the hypersexuality and the forgetting of events & facts. Affairs alone are addictive on their own & even without bipolar there are also other personality & mood disorders to consider.

About the best advise I could give someone, having been through this too many times, is don't rugsweep the first time. If they can't learn the lesson & become remorseful, & it happens again, something bigger is an issue & it may be better to move on to a better life. It's never too late.

FWIW, because of brain damage, I write in storyteller form, so hardly any short posts from me & bad eyesight gives me a 50% edit rate..Apologies in advance!

Posts: 3168 | Registered: Oct 2003 | From: Sunny Arizona
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Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, May 10th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did try the 180. It didn't work. He just was nicer, etc. etc. etc. He tried really hard and that is what is so difficult for me. Sometimes I want him to be angry and mean to me. I would just divorce him if he wasn't trying and was a jerk. But no more truths came out of his mouth.

I also scheduled a polygraph and cancelled (the examiner even said they are only 80-90% effective). I didn't want to put either of us through that when there was a chance that it wouldn't give me the 100% proof I needed to get out of limbo.

oldtimer97-you may be on to something with the bipolar/mood disorder. I made him see a psychiatrist as a condition of R and he said he was diagnosed with a unspecified mood disorder (but doesn't fit typical conditions to meet any standard one) and ADHD but H is on meds now and he is much more stable and committed to hear me and see me than he ever was in the first 32 years of our relationship. I tried over the last 15 years to get him to see someone for mental health and he refused. I guess now with the fact that I might leave him, he has decided he needs to go? I guess that's a good thing. I don't know if it really matters to me at this point, but I know he has been a much better person and father to his kids because of it. And we also have a son who has dealt with the same kind of mood disorder from birth and was just diagnosed. Some of his mental deficiences may have caused him to seek out SA type of behaviors.

That being said, we are going back to counseling so maybe there I will be able to get him to tell me the whole truth. I just know that is what it holding me back. How can I begin to trust without knowing he has told the truth? I know I can't!

[This message edited by SGRBEET at 1:50 PM, May 10th (Thursday)]

Posts: 93 | Registered: Apr 2012
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Default  Posted: 12:14 AM, August 11th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been having the worst case of summer SAD due to the heat so have not been posting a lot right now -- plus *Lurker Alert*!

For our particular thread here, there are 2 very critical things I am so glad I did, esp. since WH was being extremely secretive about our finances:

Install a good key you must pay for like eblaster. Get the Top of the Line.

Pop out the old Hard Drive & replace with a new one. I took the tower of our XP to a tech shop and told them I needed this done as per my atty's instructions for a pending legal case. I had a copy also made of the old HD...just in case.
The original HD is in my D atty's office.
At this point, I don't give a rip who he screwed, but I will be damned if he is screwing me, or the IRS, financially.

So sad, too bad.

I am not a techie at all and many SI folks have really helped me over the years in the I Forum since WH has an MBA plus is a computer programmer, etc.

Just doing these 2 things & SOON should really help illuminate the darkness, promise!

~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
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Frustrated  Posted: 12:22 PM, January 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hy, everyone! This is my first post here on the forum and just wanted to thank everyone on this thread (read through it all) for being so resourceful. After reading through this thread I've realized that my WH is actually sociopath, sex addict and pothead. He confessed everything but I needed the "why" and I believe I found the answer. However, I'm still kept in the dark. He has everything password protected and get this - I have never knew how much he makes throughout our whole married life. I always knew the number close enough but never the exact one. Not that I cared. I've trusted him but now , I wonder how much of OUR MONEY did he spent on hookers. He says he stopped but how would I know? I don't have any access to any of his accounts. All I have is his word. How can I reconcile w/o him being open and honest about everything. Am I asking for too much? I guess those who don't have anything to hide, hide nothing. I can only wonder what is behind all those passwords.

[This message edited by millionpieces123 at 6:35 PM, January 6th (Sunday)]

Me: BW - 33
Him: WH - 38
Cheated w/hookers
DDay: 12/20/2011
Married 7/ together 13 years

Posts: 4 | Registered: Dec 2012
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Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, January 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

..a response to millionpieces123..

..i see you made your one and only post here way back on Jan.6..

..hope you are still reading here and getting advice and comfort..

..yes, you are certainly being kept in the dark, both finacially and in the truth department.

..your WH is totally disrespecting you as an equal partner in this marriage..

..he appears to be a dominating and controlling type, whose agenda is to manipulate you and still get all the hookers he wants.

..are you protecting yourself from sexual contact with him..??? have you been STD tested?? do not allow him to keep you fooled and naive.. you have a lawyer?.. consult with one.. soon!..

..confide in a trusted friend.. (if there is one to be had out there?)

..i looked on this thread because i had been kept in the dark for 40 years before i finally got the truth.., you are not asking too much.. you deserve truth, honesty, integrity and respect, not to mention the love that is supposed to make the other things all worth while!!

..if he can't invest those things in you, then he certainly isn't worth keeping..

..sending out hugs of support and hope you can get to a happy place in all this heartbreak


[This message edited by somanyyears at 11:52 AM, January 23rd (Wednesday)]

trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 66
Her 63
Married 41 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf

Posts: 4018 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
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Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, January 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Somanyyears, thank you so much for your advices and support. I've been STD tested some time after DDay. I guess I should repeat it. Also, I have someone who I trust and who I can confide in ( WH might be lurking, so I'd rather keep the relationship with that person to myself). And I have this forum here, which provided me with such a valuable info. However, my financial situation now is not the bright one since I've moved to another city because of his job. Just before DDay we decided to try for a baby (when the move happened) so it seemed normal to prepare financially and in every other way to have a baby. We don't have a child. Now, I'm still unemployed with this huge burden on my back. Still in limbo, still in the dark. One good thing though, I've decided I don't want to obsess over him being with who-knows-who.What I know so far is good enough for D, if I want to take that path. So, I'm not gonna obsess but I'll protect myself using some of the advices from this thread. Sending support and hugs to all of you still-in-the-dark out there somewhere.

Me: BW - 33
Him: WH - 38
Cheated w/hookers
DDay: 12/20/2011
Married 7/ together 13 years

Posts: 4 | Registered: Dec 2012
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Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, January 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

.. glad u r doing ok..

.having a child can bring two people closer and be the difference in staying or leaving..

..sadly, a child can also bring extreme pressures to the relationship that is already under stress ..and can make matters worse, thru no fault of the child!!

..if you are expecting..congratulations.. i wish you all the best for you and your little one

..this journey often takes much longer than we would expect or ever imagine

..hope you can find the ultimate happiness you so deserve..


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 66
Her 63
Married 41 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf

Posts: 4018 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
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Member # 37885
Helpless  Posted: 12:50 PM, January 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Smy, thank you so much for your support and kind words. It feels very good to post here. Very therapeutic. So happy that I've found SI. I feel much better than when I JFO. However, there are still so many unanswered questions. He just expects me to continue living like nothing happened. He still wants to have his "privacy". Well, it doesn't work that way. I need the truth and will get it one way or another. I can't even imagine how it must be for you to be kept in the dark for such a long time. Sending support and strength your way.

Me: BW - 33
Him: WH - 38
Cheated w/hookers
DDay: 12/20/2011
Married 7/ together 13 years

Posts: 4 | Registered: Dec 2012
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Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, September 10th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am also in dark. I have posted on SI for awhile. Mostly I vent, and lurk. I am 5 years out. My emotions are now boxed into categories. As far as the depression, I am having more good days then bad. Actually enjoying my hobbies again. My H seems closer to ME, and trying, Me, I keep a safe distance. ANd I can still fall apart with any rejection. He now has a serious alcohol problem......Thats another box. As far as not knowing, I have been experiencing some strange things. I believe the 5 year expectation of improvement is correct. Even at 4.5 I questioned it. SOmething does happen. But now that I am more relaxed, its like I keep having epiphanies. I am remembering things, details, that I missed before. Things seem so much clearer for me, as far as why, when. I never got an admission or any facts. It was DENIAL all the way. I did dig and investigate, and found little evidence. BUt I can now make a time-line. I believe I now have a very close to accurate story. DId you make up a scenerio, or figure out what happened in your own head? DO you think you are close? I think I had too. Just pointing out, that depression blocks so many memories. That as it lifts, you will be getting things that past you before. Kind of sets you back just went you stepped forward??? Its so wierd. SOmething as small as folding laundry can bring it on or especially SI. THis board has brought alot to my conscience. Why now? I feel so dumb, to have had the same clues, and could not make them fit back then. Now its so obvious. Just pitiful rambling I guess.

a trigger yesterday

Posts: 858 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
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Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, September 15th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I’m still in the dark as well… I don’t have the concrete proof (pics, etc), but have paper proof. He travels for work very frequently and his receipts just do not add up. There are car rental receipts where he drove 238 miles in 1 day. I ask where he went, when he was supposed to me at a meeting, 15 miles from the airport. His response (excuse like always), the car rental people made a mistake on the mileage. There are other receipts for airport coffee places that show 2 guests, his response, they punch stuff into the register so quick, they don’t pay attention. He has an excuse for EVERYTHING!!!!!!

There have been lies on other things that I have caught him in, so he knows how to lie his way out of things. I swears he has not had an affair.

This all started back in 2008 when my gut was screaming at me that somethings just not right. It also seems that right before we take a vacation or right after we come back from vacation, he has a work trip scheduled…..I am just so lost.

Me BS-50ish
WH (not according to him)- 50ish
M - 18 yrs together 21
No kids together- DD and DS from my 1st marriage
5 Beautiful GD's

Posts: 56 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Out West
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Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel ya..I've been in the dark for almost 2 years now. My H has never admitted to anything. He has always kept his innocence by telling me he works to hard and has no time to screw around. I have found condoms hidden in his car. Cologne in his glove compartment. And as disgusting as it sounds my 10 year old daughter found a pair of crusty panties wedged under the back seat. When I confronted my H, he used every dam excuse he could find. He blamed my older sons for planting them there. Then said they weir our 10 year old Dd's. Ya like I'm gonna buy my little girl thongs. Then het tried to say they weir mine. I've never worn a size S in my whole adult life. And I'm a very clean pannies are crust and sh$t streak free. ( no kidding).yuck. I have caught my H in solo many lies ...But he still maintains he's innocent.. I'm crazy and it's all in my head.He has been going to Ic over 2 months now and still won't man up. Don't think he ever will. My mom keeps telling me..sooner or later the truth always comes out..I hope she's right.

A woman needs a man..Like a fish needs a Bycicle.

Posts: 68 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Canada
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Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All of these posts hit so close to home with me and though it is comforting to kno im not the only one that thinks she is going crazy, and my bs is not the only one acting in these ways, I still want answers and I still want the truth! Is it to much to ask for the truth?

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: terca59833
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Default  Posted: 12:47 AM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nestlee - I am so sorry that your WH will not fess up to his cheating ways... that has to be very frustrating...

I hope hope hope that the truth comes out... and SOON!!!


DDay ~ 2/23/13

Posts: 163 | Registered: Feb 2014
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Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am finding it really difficult to accept my husbands abandonment and affair - He was caught out 31st July 13 when I was away for wrk he had in the prior few months started to get angry with me and mean towards me Started saying he was unhappy and didn't care about anything Anymore I thought he was going through depression or something because we had been having money problems with his business - somedays he would be ok others just horrible and very angry I thought we had the perfect family we have 3 beautiful kids that have been just married and 2 grand babies 3 months apart which my daughter wAs in hospital at the time he was . caught he didn't even want to talk about it he was so angry - he had just taken me away on a surprise river cruise for my5oth the March which was a surprise With the kids and family and the kids had also planned a surprise birthday party for me . Then there was Mother's Day and he gave me flowers and beautiful card etc - I had then been diagnosed with melanoma in the May also and went I went into to hospital to have it removed and he said your mum is worried about you so let her take u to the hospital - I cannot for the life of me work out his anger towards me - the only thing I cud notice in the Nov before 2012 he started a fight for no reason and took off fir hours on foot ignoring my phone calls and being nasty and the next day he sId u deserve more than me u are the main bread winner and made out he felt bad and said he didn't think we were compatible anymore . I had also noticed for a while he had been getting angry with other people including his anger towards his dad ??? Then April while we were away for my sons wedding he started on me obviously getting ready or she had been putting the pressure on him . We would have been 30years married in the dec and dating 2 yrs before that . He had everything and as a family we all went 4x4 driving camping did everything together so we all thought he was happy ?? He is. Very angry and blames me for loosing his car and having to sell it due to payment not being made I had told him I would pay. It then the whore put things all over face book where they were gong and what they were doing which is where we used to go as a family I had a fight with him about that and he didn't tell her to stop it was like he was too scared too . She doesn't do it know and has blocked us . So then I refused to pay it as I was taking from the house money he has left me with all debt and bills and not offered I cent he dosnt seem to care how I feel at all he said I said I'm sorry and told u I fell out of love but after 32 yrs together I want answers he said he only knew her a few months yeh right - and will not tell me the truth His kids will not have anything to do with him and he is also very angry about that I stupidly asked him to come home and work this out and he said he would then flatly refused the next day . He did meet up with the kids in the beginning and they told him he can't c them or the babies while is with her - she has been married three times and also had an affair around 21 yrs ago and had a baby to the family man of the affair and named it the same family name as him even though the family stayed together she has in total 5 kids 3 different fathers - which she didn't have any children to last marriage she is 5 yrs older than me and works in the kill room of a meet works company - I have a good paying high profile job with a bank - This doesn't make any sense at all - be was always so kind and everyone is in shock that he would do such a thing - He dosnt try to contact his kids at all saying they cannot tell him what to do - this is all so very sad - sorry about the rant but just can't seem to move on as I always am finding an excuse to talk to him and his always horrible and even more if he thinks the whore can here - I go crazy messaging him even when there is no reply cause its makes me angrier and thunk what right does he have to treat me this way after what he has done he shows her all my messages as she told me in a message which she also texted my girls which he must have given her their numbers - this is disgusting behavior - her text said if we didn't stop calling and names to my husband she would seek legal advise . He has been gone over 7 months now and there is no show of remorse has chosen her over his kids and grand kids can't believe this like he is brain washed as he was a good father I have tried everything from being nice to begging him to be with his kisa as he is missing out on the babies growing up he just saids the kids don't want him too . I am finding it. Rey hard to think of anything else. mY job will end up suffering as I was in so much shock to begin with I had 3 weeks off and spasmodic days after that just not coping - I get angry sad the lot I am seeing a councilor but it dosnt seem to help - I need to stop thinking about him and what he is doing but can't - will he ever feel remorse and tell me how long he did thus for and what lead him there and how they met ? Will it last ? Help

Posts: 32 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Australia
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Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, April 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Almost a year since my suspicions began and my H has yet to confess anything. The coworker I am suspicious of him having at least an EA with is a drama queen. Recently she fell and hit her head on the ice, went to the hospital and was told she had a concussion but was not admitted. She took a few days off then stretched it into half of the following week, whining to my H (her boss) that her head hurt. I told him that she was valid with the first few days but seems like she is an attention whore and he agreed. She is always complaining of one ailment or another, and she had quit working for him once in the past and he said she is always sick. Then he hired her back...
I saw via cell phone bill that she had texted him yesterday morning, 745am and that he had texted her back. He also was very irritable yesterday with me. My radar went up and when I checked his phone last night to see what the texts were about he CHANGED his pass code lock!!!
He is hiding something. Not sure what. Overall, our relationship has been better. But something about his mood yesterday made me really worried. My first thought is that she is sick again and he did not want me harping on him about it. It seems like she can get away with murder and he always excuses it. Otherwise he is a very demanding, intimidating business owner. I don't understand why he protects her.

But then again, maybe it is something else...

Just when I think I need a PI for answers, things seem better between us then next thing I know he changes his phone lock and starts acting odd again.

I hate this.

Me: 45
Him: 47
3 kids 16, 14, 7
Married 20 years

Posts: 105 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Michigan
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Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, April 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am totally still in the dark on this.

Short story, found email to escort regarding a meeting back in November of 2012 (we had been dating only a couple of months but had already said "I love yous", etc. He claims that he didn't keep the appointment. That he had been on her website when he was still single, saw an email that she was going to be in town and was interested in the experience. But that ultimately he didn't go. I have no choice but to believe him. Part of me, however, will always wonder.

Flash-forward 3 weeks. He removed the email account from his phone that the message had been sent from. I was very upset about it and told him that it makes me wonder if he's hiding something from me. He offered to put the account back on the phone and has followed through on that.

I've been away for a couple of weeks and took a peak at his browsing history when I got home. For three days he looked at nanny cams/home security systems... why? Was he looking them up for someone else (he's like that.... he'll help people find products by reading reviews, etc... it's something he regularly does) or is he thinking of istalling one in his office to see if I'm snooping on his computer? Or am I being completely paranoid?

What about the search? Was he looking for a new lawn mower or an escort?

He's turned me into a complete crazy person... checking the phone records and texts.... never finding anything suspicious. But everything seems to trigger something in me these days. The more I read on the site the more I think that things are worse than I think but I can't find any proof! I hate this. Taking anxiety medication every day now just to get through the day.

Posts: 9 | Registered: Feb 2014
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