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User Topic: For Those Still In The Dark
capri
♀ Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 12:21 AM, August 6th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My h, who claims to be computer illiterate...

Interesting. Mine never exactly *said* he was computer illiterate, but bit by bit I'm finding out he knows a whole lot more than he ever let on.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, August 6th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

capri~
When I first met my WH online he was already starting to "set me up" back in early 03.
WH told me that he was so "PC challenged" that he had no clue as to how to even set up a simple e-mail hotmail/yahoo mail box...and, I fell for it, being the (former) trusting soul that I was...hook/line/sinker.
I have now discovered thanks to key logging that not only did WH go in in safe mode/f8 to reconfigure the PC & bypass me as Administrator, he can run rings around a LOT of techs as he is a developer/coder/programmer...he's been studying & using computers since the 1980's!!!

So, WH came right out & told me a blatant LIE...which I foolishly believed...& he has deceived me just as in that book, "Predators", with much
'duping delight'.

[This message edited by dreamlife at 10:24 AM, August 6th (Monday)]


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
capri
♀ Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, August 6th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is it with men and lying about computers????

You know, even mc1 lied (so it appears to my admittedly jaded perception) to me about his computer skill. I was talking about fwh and the e-mails, and mc1 asked a dozen questions, acting for all the world like he didn't understand anything about e-mail. I thought, given his age and his questions, that he must not use e-mail at all. There was no computer in his office. So imagine my surprise when I got... AN E-MAIL...from him one day!


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, August 6th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think of it as a "journal" with INFINITE POSSIBILITIES for WH. Especially if he is a SECRETIVE Nerd-- up to no damned GOOD.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
sameolesameole
Member
Member # 15283
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, August 11th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does "in the dark" mean not knowing the truth?

If so, I am in the dark. My X would die and go to hell before he ever admitted anything.

I wouldn't even waste my breath asking him.


Posts: 73 | Registered: Jul 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, August 11th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unfortunately, yes, that is what it means.

However, I need to know what he's been up to...its vital for my peace of mind & our assets.

But, I don't love him any more...ugh, how can I?


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
ragingpain
♀ Member
Member # 10036
Default  Posted: 12:25 AM, August 12th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why can't they admit?
Is it just cuz they can't admit they've done something wrong?
My H seems to have some sort of complex about ALWAYS being right. About everything.
He can never admit it when he's wrong about something.
Bad day for me. Been tip toeing around that damn elephant too much again lately. But... I don't dare say anything cuz ya know well he never did anything wrong to me.
Fuck I hate that elephant.


And the flame burned away. But your still spittin' fire.
Make no difference what ya say. You're still a fuckin' liar.

Posts: 262 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: New York
capri
♀ Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, August 12th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why can't they admit?
Is it just cuz they can't admit they've done something wrong?

Interesting reading here-- so many bits and pieces so like what I'm experiencing.

Maybe in my case, this is exactly what's going on, as one of my serious issues with our marriage is exactly that: he is NEVER wrong. Oh, he's finally started to say, "I screwed up," or "It was inappropriate," but only in those general terms.

On any given issue, on anything SPECIFIC, he will never admit to being wrong. He will explain to me how it's my fault, or how it didn't really happen, or how I misunderstood.

This also goes for his family. They have almost never been wrong. It's always me misunderstanding, mishearing, over-reacting.

I have finally begun to tell him that one of the reasons I want out is that he deserves someone as wonderful as he is. I mean... according to him, on any specific issue, every last problem in this marriage has been my fault. Poor guy deserves better than that. I'm thinking maybe ow3, who makes fun of mentally handicapped people on her myspace page, would be a good match for him and his family, including his mentally handicapped sister.



Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 1:39 AM, August 13th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They cannot admit due to pride, ignorance, and mental illness/personality disorders! Grrr

Sick & stupid.

JERKS!!!!!!!!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
smokenfire
Member
Member # 5217
Default  Posted: 5:21 AM, August 13th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a VERY frustrating thing.

My spouse is shame based so he never admits anything that is shameful (lying, drinking, etc.).

It is quite maddening, because even a "safe atmosphere" doesn't really help much.

Journaling what you know helps because yes, they will lie about and try to make you think you are crazy when you know you are not.

A strong 180 will work wonders for your soul


I have a very strict no returns policy - if you got him - you have to keep him.
Don't kick me in the mouth and then complain about how I bleed...

Posts: 5961 | Registered: Aug 2004
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, August 13th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

smoken~ in my case, its NOT 'shame-based'.

Its "duping delight"...WH has NPD and actually gets off on fooling people!

He feels no shame, no...NOTHING.

I wish he would.

But the sad fact is that he simply does NOT and I have accepted this, but I still want to KNOW exactly what he has done...& I'm slowly "getting there".

And, in my case, frustration isn't the word; its TORTURE!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
What About Bob
♂ Member
Member # 8572
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, August 13th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"he was already starting to "set me up" back in early 03. "

They do that....mine used to tell me all the time she "can't lie and people always see it and somehow just "know" I am lying by looking at my face".

My favorites were her telling me one time she got a gift card "from the company for working hard"...uhuh...and you just happened to receive it on Valentine's day?

Another time she received flowers from the boss, again for working hard (or working it with him...)

I confronted and said send the MF'er an e-mail spelling out this is not proper and bc me on the e-mail. She heemed, hawwed, made excuses, tried the boo-hoo-hoo why do you want me to make waves at work...poor little me line of bullshit. Then there was a serious delay before she spoke with him and he called me to say sorry, didn't realize this was inappropriate, blah, blah, blah...

The serious hesitation was to speak with him first, get the stories straight, can't print anything out as "proof", etc.

If it were innocent, she would have just sent the e-mail right away.

If I had it to do over again...I would have never said a dam thing to them and just taken the flowers to his wife to see what she thought about it. I came really really close to doing just that.

[This message edited by What About Bob at 2:19 PM, August 13th (Monday)]


"Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose" Janis Joplin

"God is great, beer is good and people are crazy"


Posts: 2174 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: South
mommyforthree
♀ Member
Member # 8883
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, August 13th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From what I understand, dealing with the truth is very painful for the the WS. However, you got remorse by his change in attitude. TAHT IS HUGE! That is what you really need to move on. I found the truth of the last A, not of the past, but I still can't move on to trust b/c I never got real remorse or a changed man. How could you ever rebuild trust not knowing the person is sorry and willing to change. You've got it! Count your blessings and ask God to help you overcome the rest of the darkness. Someday, your H may deal with his darkness and come clean, but you can't force it. Best way to get that is to move on with your M. My mom got remorse from my day 35 years later after he saw me devastated from my A....then he could suddenly undersand the pain he put my mom thru.

Good luck. Always count your blessings!


Posts: 436 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Minneapolis, MN
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, August 13th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

agree with you, Bob.

Kinda makes one Crazy, huh?

mommy~ I am NOT waiting for 'someday'...its over.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Ivette
♀ Member
Member # 6884
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, August 13th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm still kind of in the dark. Because I've been seperated 4 yrs and he still calls me says he loves me. I've done no contact to him cussed him out that I never want to see him or talk to him again. I'm tired of my situation. I haven't gotten the divorce because to be honest I don't want to give the ow the pleasure. My daughter and his family don't like her. They have been together 3 yrs. That may be wrong of me but that's how I'm rolling. He tells me that no one will stop him from calling me. I've learn that I do have to deal with him no matter what. Why can't he let go I've tried but it's hard when he calls me. If he doesn't get me thru our daughter he will at work. Daughter got tired of making excuses.


Rather have no company than bad company.

Posts: 1810 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: Massachusetts
What About Bob
♂ Member
Member # 8572
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, August 13th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Kinda makes one Crazy, huh?"

Yeah, sure does.

The worst was after I made a stink and he called me to apologize for giving WW flowers...later she would try to "shame me" into not asking questions about subsequent things with little questions like "you aren't going to make a big deal of this like you did the flowers"

She was like trying to say it was silly and shame me into not getting into their face again. Guess I was supposed to feel "all better" because jackass called me?

The only reason he called me can be summed up as "damage control" to keep me from calling HR and / or his wife.


"Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose" Janis Joplin

"God is great, beer is good and people are crazy"


Posts: 2174 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: South
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, August 13th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its plain NUTS!!!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
ragingpain
♀ Member
Member # 10036
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, August 13th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes he's a "changed man" but all I got was the classic "sweep it all under the rug" deal.

How can I be thankful for that? What is he a changed man from/for?

I never got the truth - any of it - and I never got any answers. How can I ever trust again ?
Why am I not worth the truth of my life in '05?
The truth of who/what he really is.

And since I let it all get swept under the rug, when will it happen again?

Living with this torture (and that big fucking elephant) eats at my soul everyday and I just wonder how much longer I will take it.

Maybe he really is sorry for what he did but I NEED to be validated for all the lies, gaslighting, bullshit & suffering I went through.
And am still going through.

Did ya all read Joesph's Letter? That's how I feel. I need the pieces to the puzzle that are still missing. And everything else that letter said.
I need this to move on.


And the flame burned away. But your still spittin' fire.
Make no difference what ya say. You're still a fuckin' liar.

Posts: 262 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: New York
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, August 14th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

raging, watch the ACTIONS...do not listen to the Words. They are easy to say...actions COUNT!

So long as they continue to deceive, keep us in the dark, be dishonest...well, that is their rotten lack of CHARACTER manifesting...and, I wouldn't be in the least surprised if they were ENJOYING our pain, too!

Do the 180!!!

Move on...you must...for sanity's sake as you cannot wait all your life waiting to know 'what really happened'.

Some of us will never know...I am working very hard on accepting this cold hard ugly fact and Living My Life without the POS being in it.

((((hugs, everyone))))

PS And, I find it amusing/shocking/crazy how he used to tell me about his XW:
"The best revenge is living well" --after he did the same secretive stuff to her! )

pps THEY DO NOT CHANGE.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, August 15th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hiya gang~

I talked to WH for about 45 minutes yesterday...nothing! Mind you, we had not spoken in well over a month, too.
Psycho acted civil, even friendly, he does the best chit-chat & small talk of ANYONE I know without REALLY SAYING ANYTHING.
Oh, & apparently his memory has not improved much either.
Its in detail over at NPD thread.
Sometimes I have these dreams of him being tormented, like being made to stay awake 4 nights and days in a row:

Now, TELL Me everything I need to KNOW, asswipe...or else, NO Sleep!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
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