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User Topic: For Those Still In The Dark
5yrsout
♀ Member
Member # 32109
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, May 25th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

whoa. I don't know which injustice I would be more mad about -- the money?! doing it again?! the lies?! a professional?! (don't know why that would bother me so much more.) Wish I had some advice. Maybe a VAR for the car to hear any future plans? I assume they must "speak" at some point, maybe?


Now 7 Yrs Out - my prince is a frog
DD 5/15/2006

Posts: 774 | Registered: May 2011
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, May 30th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, this just has to be the biggest (longest, in my case) Mind Fucking!
Hugs to all here!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, June 18th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last night, I looked in some folders of WH & followed links to new info. His deceitful weirdness just never fails to amaze me! Its like he has MORE than a Double Life!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
5yrsout
♀ Member
Member # 32109
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, June 19th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I apologize for repeating parts of my story in various threads, but I'm in the obsessive stage of the darkness and thought you all could offer your opinions please.

I greatly value your collective wisdom and perspective.

WH had "a friend" lenghty phone calls and texts with MCOW discovered on phone bill. He denies to this day that it was anything more. While he admitted (five yrs ago) the lying was wrong. He blamed me for not allowing him to have friends. Patently not true.

Fast forward several months (still 5 yrs ago) and I discover a secret / hidden FB account. He refused to open it (I could only see he had one "private" friend") and deleted it. But promised it was old, unused and that would never be necessary again because he was done with the hiding of his innocent friends.

Fast forward to last month... His behavior is eerily similar to then. Staying up late on computer. Snapping at me and boys. Blaming me for ridiculous things. Finally he says he wants a D. I was devastated but thought he was up to something (see posts re: Denver trip and hiring PI)... So resigned myself to S.

Then I discover ANOTHER secret /hidden FB - this time he tries to deny and then I find a way to view his friends (but no msgs-grrrrr.)

He finally admits it is his because of my debilitating jealousy (again untrue!), minimizes it by saying they are all old "friends" from HS not GFs. And blameshifts saying he's done with this juvenile detective shit.

When I proceeded to take the boys to a family barbecue w/o him - he freaked !!! Said we are now going to have the ugliest D in history and he hates me???

WTF??

Shouldn't I be mad?
Do I have to pretend happy family until he finds an apt?? Why is he pissed at me? Because I caught him AGAIN?? He completely dimisses this line of thought - saying he did nothing wrong. He actually has a 2nd FB where I am listed as spouse with NO friends. And I actually felt sorry for him!!

The other "real" him has 136 friends (a ton of cute blondes) and I am BLOCKED even from making a friend request. Yet there's nothing wrong with this, right???


Now 7 Yrs Out - my prince is a frog
DD 5/15/2006

Posts: 774 | Registered: May 2011
5yrsout
♀ Member
Member # 32109
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, June 19th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I apologize for repeating parts of my story in various threads, but I'm in the obsessive stage of the darkness and thought you all could offer your opinions please.

I greatly value your collective wisdom and perspective.

WH had "a friend" lenghty phone calls and texts with MCOW discovered on phone bill. He denies to this day that it was anything more. While he admitted (five yrs ago) the lying was wrong. He blamed me for not allowing him to have friends. Patently not true.

Fast forward several months (still 5 yrs ago) and I discover a secret / hidden FB account. He refused to open it (I could only see he had one "private" friend") and deleted it. But promised it was old, unused and that would never be necessary again because he was done with the hiding of his innocent friends.

Fast forward to last month... His behavior is eerily similar to then. Staying up late on computer. Snapping at me and boys. Blaming me for ridiculous things. Finally he says he wants a D. I was devastated but thought he was up to something (see posts re: Denver trip and hiring PI)... So resigned myself to S.

Then I discover ANOTHER secret /hidden FB - this time he tries to deny and then I find a way to view his friends (but no msgs-grrrrr.)

He finally admits it is his because of my debilitating jealousy (again untrue!), minimizes it by saying they are all old "friends" from HS not GFs. And blameshifts saying he's done with this juvenile detective shit.

When I proceeded to take the boys to a family barbecue w/o him - he freaked !!! Said we are now going to have the ugliest D in history and he hates me???

WTF??

Shouldn't I be mad?
Do I have to pretend happy family until he finds an apt?? Why is he pissed at me? Because I caught him AGAIN?? He completely dimisses this line of thought - saying he did nothing wrong. He actually has a 2nd FB where I am listed as spouse with NO friends. And I actually felt sorry for him!!

The other "real" him has 136 friends (a ton of cute blondes) and I am BLOCKED even from making a friend request. Yet there's nothing wrong with this, right???


Now 7 Yrs Out - my prince is a frog
DD 5/15/2006

Posts: 774 | Registered: May 2011
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 3:01 AM, June 20th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry that you are going thru this.

What a LOON!

Have you checked out the NPD thread here?

((((((huge hugs))))


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, June 25th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For several days now, WH has been claiming to be having trouble with his e-mail. I've been in there daily. I know this is not the case...


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
ohgoodgrief
♀ Member
Member # 30538
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, July 6th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone here now out of the dark?
Not me, still looking for the light to shine....

Posts: 311 | Registered: Dec 2010
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 3:42 AM, July 7th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Secrets totally suck!
I wonder if its a combo of mental illness as a component, too? Paranoia, perhaps?


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
heartbroken2011
♀ Member
Member # 31782
Default  Posted: 12:57 AM, July 8th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i am still in the dark but am very suspicious of h i don't trust a word he says

Posts: 79 | Registered: Apr 2011
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 4:44 AM, July 11th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ditto. I could have written every word in your post. Sad, isn't it?


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Gullible
♀ Member
Member # 20005
DOH!  Posted: 1:20 PM, July 13th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, so I'm back again with an update about this newest stupid phone number mess...
Okay, so I confronted him about the phone number. I printed the page about the escort service that I found on the internet advertising with that phone number. He looked at it and laughed (it seemed like a nervous laugh), and said, "what is this" where did you get this?" I told him, "that's that number you called. it's an escort service." He said, "I've never seen this before"(and laughed.) He also said that it was a "strange coincidence" and that it "figured that I would find something like that and think something like that." (Oh yeah, and it figures that he had called THAT number- whether he ever hooked up with someone or not, the intention was there.) He kept saying to me that he would "never pay for sex." I told him he was a liar, and that he called that number, and it is an escort's number. Period. Then he proceeded to call me crazy and psychotic and told me I have too much time on my hands to make up stories in my head. After that day, he kept trying to tell me, "I love you. I would never pay for sex." (not that that necesarily made me feel any better!) About a week later he tried to get close to me and I pushed him away, and he asked "why?" I told him because he called that number and he was lying to me about it. Then he got mad and swore at me and tried to insult me and make me feel bad. That same night he comes back to me later and says he wants a divorce. He said a lot of things, but the most memorable was when he gave me advice- he told me "in the future, if you date someone and they cheat on you, it's probably because they have nothing going on with you." (a little background note here- he always tells me that WE have "nothing going on" because we don't have children together and we haven't moved into a larger house.) So, I then replied with "Is that why YOU cheated on me?" and he got angry and said to me "I wasn't f**kin talking about myself!" Well, it seemed like a half-assed admission to me! So the next day, he was around, but ignored me. Then a day later he does a complete turnaround, and says to me "I'm so sorry. I don't know why I said all those things to you. I love you. I can't be without you." I just responded with, "we have a lot of problems." Things kind of calmed down for a week, but by the next weekend, my H decided to accuse me (out of nowhere) that the reason I accuse him of cheating is because I am doing it! (which I'm not, and I never have!) He went so far to accuse me of cheating with a few of our neighbors (who are married, btw), and acted completely irrational. The only thing I can figure out is that he is trying to validate himself or his own guilt by convincing himself that I have cheated on him, or he's trying to get the focus off of himself. He actually smashed his phone that night (with his bare hand) and threw it on the table in front of me telling me "this is what I think of your control!" He said that because he knows I have Family map on the phones. I avoided him and didn't talk to him for a week after that because he was so irrational. He was leaving out of the country to see his family for two weeks, so he did try to talk to me a few days before he left. I told him "you never apologized for saying all that crap to me." His response was "now you know how I feel." I told him that if I questioned him about anything, it was because I had a reason to- I do not just make up things out of thin air- and he DID call that number.He just tried to say "sshhhh" to me and calm me down (Yeah, right.) Also, before he left, he said to me that maybe he could take another week off of work and go on vacation with me somewhere. I told him that before anything like that would happen that he'd have to go with me to a marriage counselor first. His response was, "well, that is something I would have to do for myself." I.E., it almost seemed to me like he knows he has a problem. Btw, since I posted my story about this stupid phone number, I found that he had written the same number on the back of a receipt in his truck, and on another sticky note that was folded and put on the very top shelf of his computer desk (out of reach.) He also had written it on a sticky note and put it in his jacket the day in question. I also found it written on a sticky note with another number (which I called and seems to be a bad number) in another person's very neat handwriting. So, he had originally told me that the number was his co-worker's friend's number at whose house they were meeting (and whom he doesn't know the name of!), yet he wrote it in three different places and someone else wrote it down, too. I know he is lying about the number. If I were meeting two of my co-workers, I would call them on one of their cell phones- I wouldn't be calling their "friend's" number. Also, I wouldn't have that number written a few different places, and I wouldn't have called it on more than one occasion. I found out from looking through my old phone bills that he called that number one day this past April, two consecutive days this past February (and one of those was a 9 minute phone call!), and a year ago in February of 2010! This all scares me! What should I do now???!


Posts: 124 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Midwest
horseluvr
♀ Member
Member # 30097
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, July 17th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been on SI since last Fall, and just found this. I think this is where I belong. I am still in the dark and have been for 2 years. I am so excited, I've found others like me Yipppeeee!!!!

DD was oct 09, he never admitted PA, he even denied the texts til I told him I had
the ph bill printed out. I let him stay under the conditions NC, MC, and if I saw any more of his bad behavior, I would know it was due to OW, again, which would mean I would be sone. Well he never did MC, still protective of phone. There are periods of time when I think we are good, then I feel him pulling away. Sex is non-existent(he tired) still shaving the package, still possessive with phone, and starting to accuse me of cheating (again) My gut is screaming (again) Rewind a a couple of weeks. I got into his phone and found a log in page for myspace. He isnt into the social networking, so Im assuming its just for OW, so he can talk to her, without me tracking. A few days later I looked again and the entire history was erased.

I have told him Im not happy with M and I want more of him. His first comment, what do you think I;m doing, messing around on you, your crazy!!

So Im back on the crazytrain, is he or isnt he. I guess either way, Im lonely and he doesnt care I hate this shit, I wish he had the balls to just say he doesnt want me.

[This message edited by horseluvr at 3:20 AM, July 19th (Tuesday)]


BS me WS him...3 great kids
DD 10-09 OW younger but doesnt look it,face looks like a dried up cow pie..note to c**tface:sunscreen

Posts: 2015 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: central calif
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, July 22nd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't read all 40 pages of this thread (forgive me!) but I can relate to being "in the dark". When WH told me he was having an EA (+ kissing on at least one occasion) I didn't wait to learn anything else - I pushed him out of the house and threw his clothes after him.

Since then, he has refused all contact with me. I don't know where he's living (he tells mutual friends not with her, not sure if I believe that or not); what he's thinking, what he's doing. Don't know what's going on between them. He told his boss (she is a coworker) that there is nothing going on; definitely don't believe that. He told friends that I lied about them kissing, but I know what he told me. I didn't embellish when I told people what was going on - I told them exactly what he told me, and even left out some parts, because I didn't want everyone in his life to hate him.

I told my IC a few weeks ago that "not knowing" is so hard, because I am forced to make assumptions, and I can only assume the worst.

[This message edited by Amazonia at 12:40 PM, July 22nd (Friday)]


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13195 | Registered: Jul 2011
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 4:47 AM, July 31st (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its just awful that there are still so many of us in this thread.

Welcome, Newcomers!

And sending you all huge hugs.

This is a torturous time!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
easily_deceived
♀ New Member
Member # 18258
Angry  Posted: 9:19 PM, July 31st (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Been away for a long time.

And here I am again.

Funny thing is, it's my own damn fault. I told him in a fit of anger (OK, several fits of anger) that he should just go find some other woman to f*** because I really he really doesn't seem to like me very much, and yet still for some reason wants to be sexually intimate. Anyway, I ended up telling me that if he wants to wander I don't care (why we're even together at this point is a long story involving kids and jobs and blah blah blah), but he needs to tell me because it effects safer-sex precautions and whatnot.

And he has. I don't think they've done anything yet (though... really... there have been any number of opportunities, so maybe they have), but I found a text on his phone from the other night that she was at her house, waiting for him, wearing her "lacy black panties." He was too drunk (as far as I know... he had left his car at home) to go over there. He was still passed out drunk when I read the message; I'm sure it's been deleted by now.

Now I have to decide if I care. Honestly, the deceit is what bothers me. He's said before, in other (non-sexual/relationship) contexts, that he really feels that if there were absolutely no chance at getting caught, he'd do any number of morally dubious things. He just operates on a reward-punishment level for pretty much everything.

I'm kind of, in a way, fine with him sleeping around, in that I just don't think our marriage has much worth in that area at this point. If he hasn't cheated on me six ways from Sunday with several women, it's not for lack of trying.


Me - BS, age 32
Him - WH, age 32
Kid1 - 3 y/o
Kid2 - 9mo
"Kid3" - Dogbeast

Trying to sort out fact from fiction.


Posts: 12 | Registered: Feb 2008
5yrsout
♀ Member
Member # 32109
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, August 3rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Easily D)))...

Are you sure you don't care? Or is that what you are trying to figure out?

It sounds to me (obviously I do not know you AT ALL) - like you DO CARE very much - but have been so hurt that you would prefer NOT to care.
So, are willing to put up with his shit for other reasons... No judging here. I'm staying for my kids and financial reasons right now, so I know.

But... I also still love my husband. (ok, so, most of the time, I do. )

I also know that if I did not, it would not be fair to kids or myself to stay.

But, it cannot be good for your sanity to "allow" him to fuck around. Self esteem. Etc.

Are you in IC ?
if not, please consider it.

YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!!!


Now 7 Yrs Out - my prince is a frog
DD 5/15/2006

Posts: 774 | Registered: May 2011
betrayedmomof3
♀ Member
Member # 32093
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, August 6th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just hit 51 posts here and I just wanted to share with others still in the dark. At 51 posts, a new forum opens up. Go there!!


Together 12 yrs, married 6
Dday from Hell 2/6/11
3 kids under 5
I would do anything to have my family in one piece but I know its shattered...

Posts: 108 | Registered: May 2011 | From: betrayedmomof3
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 5:14 AM, August 15th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ditto!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Junebug0525
♀ Member
Member # 29142
Default  Posted: 3:36 AM, August 19th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just want to tell everyone here that I went through this. My XH kept me in the dark (even though I REALLY suspected what he was doing, he just THOUGHT he was good at lying) for a year. I finally got tired of it and contacted OW just to get information. She spilled everything (well, as much as she could til XH called me from HER bedroom and tried to make me into the liar, yet I had emails to prove otherwise). Once I realized that I deserved better, I took the actions to find the truth and then got on with my life. I don't recommend staying in the dark for long. It's not worth it.


Me: BS
Him: WXH DDay-11/22/2009~ D~ 10/25/10
OWhore: Co-worker (7 years younger)
"Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." AND THEY DID!!!

Posts: 1108 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Maryland
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