I know my husband had an affair this spring and there possibly could be two others. I confront him and he says they were only saying that because they are jealous of me and are trying to bring me down. Yeah, really, 3 of them? Give me a break.
He has used this on me before and I foolishly believed him. My family is high profile in the community and own successful businesses and I have been very blessed in my life. This sounds really conceited but I have been very, very lucky in my life and I do appreciate it. So that is why he could fool me once.
Now I am digging for information and wondering how I could be so stupid!
WH initially admitted acting "inappropriately" with OW. Not long after, though he started denying anything happened even though I'd already seen pictures of them. Very inappropriate pictures. It's been that way ever since. He's even flat out denied talking on the phone with her when I pointed out a 14 minute phone call from ow. How am I supposed to heal from this with that kind of response? It just hurts so bad and I can't to break thru the fog he's in to help him understand the urgent need for the WHOLE truth? I really feel like I can't stay with him if he is so selfish that he can't help me heal.
Wbf confessed to a ons in August. He did really well on that one, he told me the following day and did a great show of remorse.
Earlier this month...or last month (who really knows anymore?) I connected the dots where he attempted to have an A (of what sorts idk) a while ago. I suspected at the time and confronted him but he said he only had feelings for her in the past and he wouldn't risk the relationship. Apparently he tried anyways, and she shot him down (sucker).
I've also (thanks to some snooping) learned of a current inappropriate, I guess OEA he's having. Of course they're JUST FRIENDS, which is awesome because that's what I'm reading RIGHT NOW. I think I'll provoke him to tell me they are Just Friends and them "hmmph" and pull out "Not Just Friends" in front of him. That'll be entertaining, for me at least. Anyways, they met online about a year - 7 months ago. They webcam, however he says there's nothing sexual (because they're just friends, ya know - I might believe that though.), they text and they talk a lot. The site they met on was kept hidden from me and I started searching when I noticed that whenever he was online and I came in the room, that window would NEVER open. So a friend on here went and did some investigating and I didn't like what was found. A lot of inappropriate flirting. Then thanks to modern technology, I've been able to track some other messages between them. A few days ago he told me about a dream he had, funny the same night he told her he had that dream about her. Awesome . After a not so great, trigger filled vday, he vented to her saying I ruined the day but he was able to fix it because he's such a wonderful person. Oh yea, he also told her that he was single (until I found the site and made him change his status) and she told her fiancee that wbf is gay. Yea...no red flags there, I bet they ARE just friends
Anyone have a magic potion that brings light. I hate the dark
can't get it clear enough to use to play for him....
I haven't posted here in a long time. Like you, goodgrief, I have a ton of circumstantial evidence--6 weeks of hang up calls and 4 flattened/punctured tires in the wake of gong noc with ow 1 and ow3; secret e-mails; lengthy absences with strange stories to explain them; ow 3' mother getting involved and ordering wh to get mc!!! all kinds of little things over the years.
I long ago finally understood that he is a LIAR through and through. He admitted to one ONS only after I found proof on my own. I suspect there have been others based on some of those incidents, now that I know he is capable of doing that.
I have finally for the most part quit caring what the truth is, because the bigger picture is, he's a liar, he's putting his energy into other women and chasing 20-somethings (he's 43) regardless of whether it's getting sexual or romantic or not, he's hiding things from me, etc. This is no marriage.
I have filed for D, and feel like the sun has come back out!
I think at this point that is my main motivation to 'catching' him. Such a liar and thinks he can make an idiot out of me.
do I really want to spend my life hunting down the truth?
Or would I rather enjoy my life doing things I love, that give me joy and put something good into the world?
Yeah, stbx thinks he's smarter than me. So what. Instead of tracking his dirty little hidden secrets, I went to the gym, bought myself new clothes, pursued my love of writing and am now looking at a very real possibility of a future in it, started practicing music again and am once again getting paid to perform, and for the most part, I'm pretty happy, while he continues to live out his character--meaning, he can't deny himself anything so he now weighs something like 350 pounds, has destroyed his marriage, owes a huge debt on his credit cards, and is now trying to figure out how to afford a house on his own while paying child support. And I can guarantee that because he won't change his ways, if he ever finds a second wife, either it'll end the same way, or he'll eat himself into an early death.
Okay. So he managed to keep me in the dark. He's smarter. He wins.
But I'm happier and feeling very good about my future.
I regret the days, months, hours, I have wasted on this
I don't regret the time I
It's just at a certain point, I'd found enough to know for myself, for sure, that I was not the problem, that this was not a normal marriage, and that regardless of the details, he is clearly not marriage material. It was worth my time and the money I spent to see the big picture of who he really is: a sneaky, conniving, back-stabbing liar with girlfriends in some shade of gray. I have no idea if he's slept with only the one and never touched any others (as he claims). But I do know he lies and sneaks and continues having relationships behind my back.
Admittedly, it would have been nice to know without spending all that time and energy on it, but what can you do?
Are you doing the 180?
My take on it is that it's essentially going back to living your own life. I started by making a list on www.42things.com It shocked me how much I'd forgotten who I was in this marriage and didnt even know what I wanted anymore.
We spoke daily on the phone and I booked a flight to see him abroad the weekend of the 1st of May 09. I never got on the flight. 2 days before the scheduled flight I tried to call him on his mobile and couldn’t get through to him for 2-3 hours – very unusual – I must have called him 4 times frantically, thinking he was with her. He then called me back finally drunk – he had been in the pub with friends and left his mobile in the car – he was so angry – I had no right to ask him what he was doing... – anyway we spoke the next morning after he was sober again and after 3 hours of phone call he ended our marriage.
2 hours later we are on the phone again and he is now calm and offers me the following: “we stay separated and I sleep on the couch but we date instead to see if we can rekindle anything.” And what did I say – “of course”, I was so happy to be given another life line so to speak.
He then comes home the second week of May 09– sits down on the couch, starts crying and says:” I don’t belong here anymore...” He stayed home for a week, had lost 20lbs, was so cold, slept for 2 nights on the couch and then came back into our bed but we had no physical contact. 2 days before flying back abroad he went out with 2 of his brothers and came home late in the night drunk – he cuddles up to me for the first time all week and asks me to warm him – and so I did – and then he said something what I can’t forget until today. I always had cold feet all my life – he would always call me his “little reptile”. Anyway my feet brush his leg and he says: “What is it with you women and cold feet...” I remember I froze in that moment – it sounded like a comparison to me. Also the sex was different – he started pulling my hair during Sex – something I can’t remember him ever doing before.
Me and the kids then went over to see him abroad on the 10th of June 09 – it was awful – he wasn’t prepared for our visit at all – the fridge was full of old food – he said to me a few days prior to the visit if I needed any toiletries just to ask him to buy them as they are so much cheaper abroad – but when I asked him 2 days before flying to buy tooth brushes for us he declined, saying he would have no chance to get to the shop. The following thought crossed my mid while I was there: “he either doesn’t live here at all or spends only very little time here...”
It all came to a head on the 14th of June – he broke it off for good a second time – said that i couldn’t get over my suspicions of him having an affair and that he could not get over the betrayal with the shop.
So we flew back home and I finally did what I should have done on day one – I hired a PI to follow him abroad. I had nothing to lose anymore at that stage – my marriage was over.
I had studied my husbands routines while I was abroad so I sent the PI to his house Saturday morning at 5.45 a.m. to start following him but my husband wasn’t there – I don’t know until today if he slept somewhere else or had the PI just missed him. The PI then picked him up in the afternoon at work – followed him home and then my husband went to town in the evening and met a woman for coffee – they stayed from 8 pm until 9.45 p.m. and then he took her back to his apartment (Saturday night ) until quarter past midnight. She then left in a taxi.
Now the PI report said: they greeted each other as if they were unknown to each other but talked in high spirits. There was no physical contact all evening – and she wasn’t the Co-worker.
I confronted my husband over the phone 2 days later and he told me the following: she is a friend of the co-worker he showed his flat to as he wanted to sublet it. This was the first time they ever met.
My husband then came home the first week of July and we told the kids we were separating. During this visit he told me about a Facebook account he had –I had no clue about that – he had made it invisible so that only friends on his list could find him – the co-worker was one of them I found out later – he also told me about a second email account he has – again I had no clue – I have found in the meantime the email address but don’t have the password.
Anyway he went back abroad and I got access to his Instant Messenger in the middle of July 09– and there I found he was in fact dating the girl the PI found. This time I did not confront him but followed their conversations for around a week.
Suddenly their conversations went from dating to just being friends and one day later my husband asked me to reconcile. He asked me to move forward and forget about the past – I agreed and we tried to make it work for 10 days – unfortunately with the knowledge about the 2 of them I could not trust him anymore – I was hoping during these 10 days he could come clean about everything but he didn’t – so we finished it again after 10 days in the beginning of August 2009.
This is the main story but there are a few other things which either happened while we were together or things I discovered since August 2009:
- I sent a message to WH’s co-worker IN Dec. 2009 and asked her to send me an email so I could ask her some questions. She went straight to WH and told him. I just got the following message: "Have just found out that you have contacted my co-worker through Facebook. Why can't you just leave me have some friends that you don't frighten away?" I never heard of her after that.
- When WH planned to go abroad for 2 years he told me about it around 8 weeks in advance which puts it at June 2005. I have since found a letter from an agency from April 2005 who thanked him for filling out all necessary paperwork and his references – I had no idea about any of this.
- We were married just one year IN 2004 – I went through my husbands phone for the first and only time ever – I don’t even remember anymore why did it at the time -
I found in his sent items a text to another woman from the weekend before – something like can’t meet you tomorrow – I can’t exactly remember - I was so shocked I did not snoop any further but immediately rang her number and got her voicemail - here husband's explanation:
He went to the pub with a mate of his and the mate's phone's battery went dead - so he borrowed husbands phone to send texts to his girlfriend. Mate takes his SIM and puts it into husband’s phone and sends the texts.
I burst into tears and asked my husband if he is sure that story is true. He gets really mad, storms upstairs and starts packing his suitcase and threatens to leave me. I pleaded and begged and cried and he finally stopped packing and stayed.
I never found out if he had an affair or not but the memory stayed with me.
- When we were planning our wedding in 2003 we were counting every penny to pay for it – when I met my husband he had an old account I thought he didn’t use anymore – last year I found a statement from early 2003 – between Feb and April 2003 he had transferred around $1000 to this account – I had no idea – lots of withdrawals and 2 of them for Valentine’s Day.
- When my husband left me in 2009 he told me in a conversation about another co-worker who would always touch his arm when she spoke to him – he said he didn’t like it as she was always too close – when I found out a little later that she was one of his FB friends I kind of wondered if there was more to her but never really paid attention – anyway around February last year he finally revealed he had a girlfriend and guess who – her – he now lives with her and her daughter abroad.
- When he left the second country end of 2007 he gave his old mobile phone to my son – a few months later my son tells me that found a pic of a naked woman on the phone and deleted it – I actually have never seen it – just a woman’s body, no head – it was covered by something my son said at the time. Now I confronted my husband over the phone as he was again abroad and he told me it was a gallery pic he got with the phone - and guess who gave him the phone – the same friend who borrowed his phone and texted from his phone 4 years earlier (they worked together abroad at the time). I asked my son at the time if he thought it was gallery pic or a snapshot and he thinks it was a pic like you or I would take with a camera.
- My husband and this friend were sharing a room for a while abroad and when the friend moved out to ive with his girlfriend my husband asked me if it would be ok to share a house with a females friend of his then landlord. I said no at the time and he didn’t mention it again but sometimes I wonder if there was more to that story
I know this is all very confusing – He never admitted any wrongdoing and there has never been really any evidence – he was abroad most of the time – he was in 3 different countries and had a separate mobile phone in each of these 3 countries (not to pay roaming charges when I would call him). No phone bills or anything to go by, just a lot of gut feeling and suspicions. Anyway we are now separated 18 months and I even though I don’t know if he cheated or not I know it’s the right decision to end this marriage. I gained almost 100 lbs in the 6.5 years we were married and it started right after I found the text on his phone – now I have joined Weight Watchers and have so far lost 1/3 of it – I am finally getting the sparkle in my eyes back.