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User Topic: For Those Still In The Dark
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Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, December 10th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would not put a lot of faith in a "poly" as they are not infallible and a sociopathic personality can pass them with ease & frequently do.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
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Default  Posted: 2:46 AM, January 8th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He was off sick just before christmas and left his mobile phone laying around. He had changed his cellphone number and guess what? This OW from work rang him and left a voicemail! Supposedly no contact for 11 whole months according to him and out of nowhere she manages to get hold of his new phone number and ring him about a work related issue that couldnt wait!

I gave him the phone and said "i thought you two werent in contact anymore, do you think i have idiot tattoed on my forehead"?

his reply

"I know what it looks like but youre wrong, she needed to discuss work related things"!!!

"What after 11 months of no contact, get yourself a life"!

I havent mentioned it since because it always manages to get turned around so that i am the one at fault! I should never have looked at his phone flashing away with a missed call on the bedside table according to him!!

[This message edited by shushpuppy at 2:49 AM, January 8th (Friday)]

Posts: 19 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: UK
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Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, January 14th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

shushpuppy: He broke NC -- so why are you always the one at fault? NOT!
Anyway, as hurtful as it was, I'm glad that you found this out.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
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Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, February 22nd (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all. I have not read this entire thread but I am still in the dark also. I dont know how to find out any info. I am actually trying to find a good remote keylogger but cant seem to.. Does anyone have any suggestions for me? I would definitely appreciate it!

Posts: 690 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: FL
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Default  Posted: 2:17 AM, February 25th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The OW has rang him 5 times this month already. I asked him why she had suddenly started up contact again and was told that she hasnt!!!!! 5 times in a month according to him is not "being in contact" and by asking him about it i am over-reacting, making a mountain out of a mole hill and causing unecessary trouble!

His behaviour towards me has changed since christmas. He is withdrawn and sex has gone out of the window because he cannot concentrate! He has spent more time engrossed in the computer playing his favourite online game, anything basically to keep away from me on an emotional and physical level.

I asked him about this and was told i am too tempremental. Hello! When your hsuband cannot concentrate during sex i think i have every good reason to ask why!

Posts: 19 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: UK
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Default  Posted: 2:43 AM, March 9th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used my hubbies phone on saturday and saw that on 26th feb he had rang the OW. The call was there on his dialled phone calls list. I never mentioned that i had seen it to hubby. This morning i looked at his phone again and saw that she had rang him yesterday. The phone call from 26th Feb had dissappeared. There was phone calls to other people dating from 23rd February but this one phone call had obviously been deleted. I know his phone updates itself each time you make a call to someone and replaces the other calls to that one person with the most recent. I think he rang her yesterday and deleted all trace of it. Why would he do that when he knows i will see his itemised phone bill in a couple of days? x

[This message edited by shushpuppy at 2:44 AM, March 9th (Tuesday)]

Posts: 19 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: UK
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Default  Posted: 5:37 AM, April 3rd (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you discussed the CONSEQUENCES of breaking NO Contact with him, SP?

~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
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Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, April 7th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sooo happy I found this thread! I was skeptical at first as I am not in the dark. I know he has had an on-going affair for at least 3 years, now; that he lied to me about ending it in early '08; that he lied to me about wanting to break it off each and every time since. However, I think this "still in the dark" applies to the wayward spouses, too.

In my case, he thinks all is hunky-dory. He wants to move back home and let his family suffer through his emotional withdrawal from his OW. He has had infinite moments in time where he could have dumped her for good, but didn't. Now he wants to dump her and move back home the next day - ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

While he has been fairly open about having had the affair, he still denies specific points:
1. "it was a platonic relationship" was the first excuse. However, platonic friends do not discuss meeting for sex and or detail the acts they will do to one another.

2. "i never sent her a love letter" was another response, but I have printed a copy of it. I never, in our 15 years prior to the affair go such a letter!

3. "it was all manipulation, I didn't mean any of it." Really? Then why is there not a single similar communique with me?

4. Now he wants to go to marital counseling (which we did for most of 2008 and he still continued the affair then and since). I have half a mind to take the copies of emails and IM's that I have and hand them over to the therapist and ask, "so why are we here, anyway?" He even indicated to the OW in Feb '10 that "[I] had bought it. [He] convinced [me] that [he] wanted to fix the marriage."

I, too, wish he would just fess up and let me go. I am more than ready to start a new chapter in my life. One that does not include his lies, his total disregard for my feelings and what he has done to me. As much as I hate him for what he put me through, I could never really wish this pain upon him. It is the epitomy of having your heart and soul ripped out and torn to shreds, then trampled on by every pedestrian and rolled over by every vehicle that passes by.

Thanks to whoever began this thread!

M 19 years
2 young kids (9, 7)
dday #1 - 9/26/07, continued affair thru 2/08
false R thru dday #2 - 1/17/10
false R #2 begun 2/28/10
final dday - 3/14/10, moved out w/kids 5/29/10
filed for divorce 8/10

Posts: 18 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Ohio
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Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, April 7th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife is incisting that the affair is over, even when given evidence that it continues.

She will say nothing is happening and I'm not going to discuss it. END! She travels a lot and I'm sure they're are hooking up. She has become very defencive, pithy and just uncaring. She gets remorsful sometimes and will call/text that she is sorry, that she wants our life back, that she dosen't want this. Then, she becomes silent and secretive. Part of the problems is me out of work and we can now add financial worries to the mix. Not sure what to do? Do I file and take that chance? I know I cannot continue like this for much longer (found out 3 months ago) I exposed it in January and they stopped for a month or so, now it's back on and I need to make some decissions.

Anyone else experience this? Most of the advise is file and either it's a wake up, or the end. Problem is if I file I'll ask for custody of our kids and she will go APE. My attorney says because of her heavy travel and the fact I have been the primary will give me a great chance. She just dosen't seem to want to work on this, but also not willing to commit one way or another. She is SUPER pissed that her parents/friends know and have turned on her. Her dad told her he backs me 100% and I should have the kids. If that means losing a daughter, so be it. They have not spoke in two months and she hates me for that. Sorry for the long wind...any WS experience the same feelings? Thanks


Posts: 35 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: TX
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Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, April 8th (Thursday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome, confused turmoil & Patriot 45!
I've kicked out my WH (over 3 years now) and I'm still in the dark.
Its a horrible place to be.
Some of us might never fully know, but I'm taking baby steps in Moving Forward without him.
I just have to do this.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
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Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, April 9th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shushpuppy, I'd say you know ten times what you need to know. It's the next steps that are giving you trouble.

Confusedturmoil, you say: "I, too, wish he would just fess up and let me go." But actions speak far louder than words, and you don't need his permission to go. You may never get it!

Patriot45, I feel for you. Your life is in limbo and there's no easy way out. Fact is: there's no easy way out. She's definitely in a fog but that doesn't indicate which way she'll go. You need to concentrate on taking care of yourself. Of course she's pissed--you're interrupting her double life with a dose of reality. Now make plans for you.

How did I miss the memo???

People: Read up on the 180!
Oh, and I'm boycotting Nike forever ;)

Posts: 225 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Washington DC
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Default  Posted: 1:03 AM, April 16th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure if I belong here, but it's the closest ICR to for me so far.

I didn't find out about his infidelity until after he'd left and after I'd filed for Divorce. I had plenty of signs, I even took phone numbers off his cell phone before he left (in the absence of getting my hands on his work laptop, which followed him even into the bathroom). I have enough from phone records and continued lies and continued contact and confirmation from a mutual friend to know I'm right. But he still will not acknowledge anything is going on (and I don't say anything, I'm not sure even at this late stage if I have any advantage with the information I've uncovered) and I have resigned myself to believing that my time to have confronted him with questions was before he left and we were "still married". Now that he's moved out, and we're moving ahead with Divorce, I can't ask any quesions (not that I would receive the truth)... he doesn't owe me anything.

But I'm still in the grips of wanting the know the whole truth - how long? How much of our life has been pretend? How much of it was real? Who else knows about it? Is it inappropriate (not to mention probably stupid) to contact OW BSO at this point? I know for my own sanity I have to let a lot of it go so I can begin my own new life, but it's a struggle.

Divorced 1/20/11

Posts: 548 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Connecticut
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Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, April 24th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm still in the dark, and it IS torture.
I am so so very glad I found this site.

Me: Faithful Wife.
Him: Who gives a shit, really.
Caught him on Feb 22nd, 2010.
Who the fuck does he think he is changing my life forever without asking me?

Posts: 426 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Hell
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Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, April 27th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been in the dark 2 years. I remember pleading and searching like a crazy person. Never found anything else. He never admits to anything. He did just walk in one day, out of the blue, and announce he did not have an EA!!!. I had never heard of EA. How did he know of EA? Where did this come from? He got down on one knee and had a speech. I did not know who he was. Now 2 years later, he crys and says I am so wrong. He has been so nice and trying for 2 years. I want to believe him. There is too much unexplained. I know I will not tolerate it. I dont want details. Details kill me. I will just end it. He knows this. Money is his issue and true love. He is afraid I'll take some. I cant help thinking, if someone accused me of having an affair and I really didnt, I would be furious. The day would not have ended until it was clear and never accuse me again of something so terrible again. He just looked terrified, and talked gently to me, trying to convince me it was not true. I can now look back at the dates, I think it went on for 5 months. Yes, no sex when it started, some inbetween, and in the end ED. He went to dr. they said he needed surgery. He had a nervous breakdown. Dr medicated him. I can really start to think maybe I am crazy. Drs. found problems with him. I have no proof. He would not let me contact her then, now she is fired, he says she is probably very angry and would say anything to get even for 7 month unemployment and loosing her house. Certainly could trust her at her word. So, we still fight from time to time. After 2 years , I am just now having better days, and I still trigger.

a trigger yesterday

Posts: 860 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
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Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, May 12th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its been almost 4 YEARS since I kicked him out and I still trigger at times, too.
However, its like Night & Day to have him away from me.
A Much Better Day!

And, sometimes I still wonder why we must be kept "in the dark" like this sort of torture...jeeeez~ what are they so afraid about us really finding out?

~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
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Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, July 21st (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm really glad that I have kept the lines of communication open (sending him Fwd e-mails about sports, etc.) because I have found out a LOT more by being very patient -- but from a distance.

~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
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Default  Posted: 3:07 AM, July 25th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's great dreamlife. I can imagine it is gratifying to get each little piece of the ugly puzzle.

I haven't seen the x since Feb and not spoken on the phone with him since early March. He sent me a job posting from Craigslist, and I emailed him telling him to never contact me again. Then last month I got a text from a strange number. I looked it up in a database and it was a cell phone registered to him. I should have ignored it but I wrote back a blistering reply. There were a few more texts over the next several days but some were spelled terribly and I realized that it might not be him writing. I recalled that he and his new GF (FOW) share cell plans, and that also one of his good prostitute friends said he put her on his cell plan, too. So the next time whoever wrote to me I said, "X, X's GF, or Prostitute, Go away." After that there was one more from his regular number and all it said was, "I have no money." I didn't reply.

I want nothing more to do with him EXCEPT that I am still haunted by the damn secrets and lies. Every single day something or other pops into my mind that I suddenly realize was a lie. Or I remember something or other he refused to tell the truth about.

I am not miserable anymore. I don't miss him. I don't cry. But I still am quite angry when I think of those damn lies and secrets.

What a legacy. I fantasize about him desperately needing my help and me using that as leverage to get all the truth. But it will never happen.

Posts: 721 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Pacific NW USA
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Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, August 9th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will always be in the dark. I no longer care.

Nice to know that I'm not the only one who has been so thoroughly gaslighted and stonewalled, though.

"When you're going through Hell, keep going." -Churchill

Posts: 720 | Registered: May 2010
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Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, August 24th (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, I've been lurking here for awhile. Haven't posted my story yet, but wanted to chime in on this subject. I am also in the dark. I started suspecting something was going on with my H about 4 months ago. Just a gut instinct. So I started checking his phone and found a suspicious text from a girl he works with. Of course, he explains it away and I brush it off. Fast forward to now and once again I feel something is off. So I go back and check his cell phone records and sure enough there are calls and texts at 4,5 and 6 in the morning. I confront, he denies. He deleted these calls from his phone, forgetting about the fact that I had access to his online account. He disappears all the time. Nights at a time. He also has substance abuse problems which complicate matters further.It's just so frustrating! I hate not knowing. I can handle the truth! Just give it to me. But this man lies about everything!!!! He'll lie about stuff he doesn't have to lie about. It's sad. Sorry, I just had to rant. I need to type my full story at some point I guess. Thanks for listening.

Posts: 2 | Registered: Aug 2010
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Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, September 18th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ditto @ romantic.

Welcome to our sad and frustrating thread, bluegrey!

How is everyone doing?

~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

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