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User Topic: For Those Still In The Dark
Stop
♂ Member
Member # 23564
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, September 27th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am happy to have found this thread. I have read a couple of pages of it, not yet the whole thread. All the stories I have read sound like mine.

I have been through the whole discovery thing, I installed a key logger, watched her cell phone, the whole nine yards. Every confrontation brings lies. Ridiculously transparent lies. When confronted with truth she continues to stone wall. Even though she hasn't "done anything" she blames me if she has. She is verbally abusive and belligerently states her rights to privacy and choice.

Mine is a sex addict (and a gambling addict) and I am wondering how many of you with similar stories also have a sex addict partner. If you do there is help available. A great deal is now written about the addiction. I also found myself in the defenition of codependent. There is help for that.

I feel liberated by what I have learned even though I am barely started practicing healthy boundaries. My COSA group and my counselor are very helpful.

If you already know about sex addiction and about codependency and do not think they apply to your situation, you would know better than I. But if you haven't looked into it, I believe it might be more than worth your while.

I can feel peace of mind lifting the fog even though my wife is still full blown acting out. The peace is coming from knowing that no matter what she says I didnt cause it, I can't fix it, I cant control her in any way.

I take back my own power by acknowledging that I and only I can control me.

There are many many books on the subject. If you suspect an addiction component, you won't be able to fix that, but in most cases apartner's addiction has put us in a codependent mode and each of us CAN fix that. Do your homework. It works if you work it, and you are worth it.


Me: Recovering codependent BH
Her: Long term gambling addict, unadmitted,unrepentant,practicing sex addict.
I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't fix it.
"Healing starts when you start taking care of yourself and let go of

Posts: 90 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Midwest
capri
♀ Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, September 27th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stop, I've also been through the claims of 'right to privacy,' and he has shredded my character to people who have never even met me, by portraying this as a totally innocent man with a raging psycho wife suddenly having to have access to ever last vestige of private thought. Funny enough, one of the ow (we're talking supposedly ea here) who was neck deep in it, knowing their e-mails were secret, called me 'weird' for installing a keylogger. Apparently she'd be okay with her husband trashing her name to women she's never heard of and wouldn't do such a thing.

I agree with what you said about we can't control them. I went to al-anon for 6 months, and found it very helpful in dealing with this situation.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, October 3rd (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

agree.

I'm still using al-anon's "foundation" from my first M in dealing with WH, & other difficult people having addictions.

capri ~ considering the "source", you are hardly weird.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
ricardoarjona
♂ Member
Member # 25738
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, October 6th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I could have access to my wife`s email Among other suspicious behaviours, she has changed passwords and I no longer have access.
I have been researching on keyloggers and hope they can help

Posts: 54 | Registered: Oct 2009
ricardoarjona
♂ Member
Member # 25738
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, October 6th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What if your WS uses only his or her computer at work for sending and receiving emails from the OM or OW?
It will be tough to find evidence.
can there be a way to monitor a computer you don`t have access tˇo?

Posts: 54 | Registered: Oct 2009
capri
♀ Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, October 6th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dreamlife, you are so right. I just wish smug-whore knew exactly what other people think of HER. Life can be very unfair that way.

ricardo, can you make it a condition that she show her computer to you and leave it opened? I freely admit I lock mine, but considering I never was doing anything wrong, and my FWH still acts, emotionally, like we're roommates, and actually had the gall to put a keylogger on our homecomputer to monitor how close *I* was getting to the truth... I don't feel he has any right to access to mine. I think, however, when a spouse is clearly breaking trust or has broken trust, that's different.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
bestrongforyou
♀ Member
Member # 25818
Default  Posted: 3:57 AM, October 13th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are married 6 years this August – 2 kids 8 and 12 -husband works abroad for 4 years.
He tells me in April 09 that he fell out of love with me 6-7 months ago, that he loves me but is not in love with me anymore, that he feels emotionally starved abroad and thought about having an affair but didn’t, he tells me that the reason he fell out of love with me is my business I opened in the middle of the recession and he wasn’t happy with it and the money problems going with it.
But he also tells me I deserve a second chance as we are together for 10 years.
So what did I do: I closed my business, cut costs where I could and tried to work on my mistakes.
Nothing got through to him – he needed space – he was verbally abusive for weeks – everything was my fault, the name calling, awful... and the little voice in my head:” You are missing something, something in his story doesn’t add up.”
He tells me this has nothing to do with another woman but also tells me that he developed a friendship outside work with a female co-worker in March 09 – she knew about his changed feelings for me earlier then i did . I become convinced that he is having an affair, at least an emotional one.
His is so cold and cruel towards me it’s unreal.
Then we separate middle of June 09 as he says I will never let go of the idea that he has an affair and he doesn’t have one – finally I bring up the courage to send out a PI to snoop up on him abroad.
The PI starts at his house at 5.45 a .m. in the morning – my husband isn’t there – he would usually go to work at 6 a.m. – so I don’t know if the PI missed him or he slept somewhere else.
The PI then finally picks him up at work and follows him to town in the evening (Saturday)- my husband meets up with a woman at 8 p.m. for coffee and then he takes her to his appartment until quarter past midnight – she then leaves in a taxi. But here is the problem: it’s not the co-worker and they seem fairly unknown to each other. No physical contact as far as the PI could see.
I confront husband and he says she is a girl he met through his female co-worker and he showed her his appartment as he thought about subletting it.
I am not sure if I should or shouldn’t believe it but anyway I find out 4 weeks after that they are in fact dating. Which brings me to my problem: my husband started acting weird around March – April already but this woman seemed fairly new – I don’t think she was the one he fooled around back then – my money is still on the co-worker but what happened to the co-worker then? Did he dump her? All evidence I have is him dating after we split – no other evidence.
He has put all blame on me for our marriage breaking up – he says it was never about another woman. Anyway I know he has a second email account – I have a keylogger installed on my computer which he uses sometimes – all I want is the truth about what really happened – it is driving me slowly crazy – I went over every possible scenario in my head and not one makes any sense – how I am supposed to move on like this I have no idea – and then I have moments sometimes where I think: “ maybe he did really nothing wrong, maybe it was all your fault”


Me(39)BS Him(35)

Posts: 659 | Registered: Oct 2009
Stop
♂ Member
Member # 23564
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, October 13th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bestrongforyou,

I am sorry for you, your problems sound a lot like where I have been for a few months.

Listen to your own truth. Stephanie Carnes describes the process of recognising truth in a way she calls "thin slicing" Basically she says you know your spouse well enough to recognise when something is wrong and that when you are being fed a diet of lies, your truth will emerge from scant evidence. Listen to that truth and protect yourself.

In addition I adopted a lot of codependent defensive mechanisms and, really, the whole codependent mind set. I am working through those issues with the help of my counselor, my COSA group, my sponsor, and some great books. Even though the lies from my WW haven't stopped, and she seems in full "acting out" mode I now understand I didn't cause it, can't stop it, and can't even work on her. But I must work on me and keep myself safe and sane.

I believe you can strengthen yourself even during this horrific time so when all the BS is over and the dust is settled you will be wiser, stronger, and more in control of your own life than you ever have been, whether you come through together or apart.

Stay aware, learn to ask either the right questions or no questions. Believe in yourself and your truth will emerge.

[This message edited by Stop at 1:40 PM, October 13th (Tuesday)]


Me: Recovering codependent BH
Her: Long term gambling addict, unadmitted,unrepentant,practicing sex addict.
I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't fix it.
"Healing starts when you start taking care of yourself and let go of

Posts: 90 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Midwest
bestrongforyou
♀ Member
Member # 25818
Default  Posted: 5:13 AM, October 14th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

stop, thanks a lot for your response. I think what hurt me the most over the last few months was the fact that he did not try to fix it - not for one second and I don't understand why. If we had such a bad marriage I must have missed it.
We have 2 kids and even for them he did not try to fix it. He is back abroad since 16 days and he has not called themn once but tells everyone how much he misses them - I just don't get it - the 3 of us could drop of the face of the earth and I don't think he would notice or care. It's like he has forgotten how to be a husband and dad.This is not how I remember my husband.


I see him on Skype every evening for hours and it's not me he is talking to but he doesn't have 5 minutes to talk to his kids - I just don't get it.This is more then just a normal separation - this is a complete cut from his kids too.

I have started IC - I am just not sure why I am actually going - she will not be able to tell me what happened to my marriage in a matter of weeks but I will continue it anyway. I gave up my business and now I am looking for a new job - had one interview so far but didn't get the job - it's not easy. I am meeting friends a lot and I am also working on my physical appearance - all the things I have neglected I am taking care of now.

I just feel like my arm has been cut off andd I don't know how to fix that.He was my best friend and I miss talking to him every day. He is so negative and cynical all of a sudden - everytime I am going into depth about anything I am judging or analyzing. It is impossible to hold a normal conversation with him about anything.

He is not happy - I can see he is not - I just don't know what it is he is looking for...

He says he hates to work abroad but he doesn't want to stop either - I just don't understand...

[This message edited by bestrongforyou at 5:15 AM, October 14th (Wednesday)]


Me(39)BS Him(35)

Posts: 659 | Registered: Oct 2009
Stop
♂ Member
Member # 23564
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, October 14th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bestrong,

I share your pain. I expect seeing a counselor will prove very healthy for you. She should be able to see things from a good perspective and if not, there are other counselors. Mine is very helpful and knows her role. She doesn't make decisions for me but she does draw out of me what I want and why I want it. I am lucky to have developed a strong support group in the face of my wifes behavior and my codependent reactions. Your problem may be entirely different but the only way your husbands problems will get worked out is for him to recognise the need and work toward a solution. If you focus on your needs and your life, (MAKE IT A HAPPY ONE PLEASE!!) he may see that you are making yourself happy and that you intend to be happy with or without him. I have started by having a financial plan that will allow me some flexibility when it is time to make the hard decisions. Your situation may vary but if finances are an issue you might consider making a plan to be ready to take care of yourself and your kids. When you are not trapped, you don't feel trapped and make better decisions. at least I believe that.

Take good care of yourself, don't let your life revolve around someone elses bad behavior, you didn't cause it, you can't fix it. But you can take care of yourself and will be the better for it no matter what he does.

Best wishes to you bestrong, I think from reading your posts you are strong and will be just fine when the fog lifts and you work through the pain. Own your own truth and act in your own and your kids best interests.


Me: Recovering codependent BH
Her: Long term gambling addict, unadmitted,unrepentant,practicing sex addict.
I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't fix it.
"Healing starts when you start taking care of yourself and let go of

Posts: 90 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Midwest
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 6:19 AM, October 25th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

being kept "still in the dark" is also like being in limbo. Its difficult to make an informed decision.

Its plain evil!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
easily_deceived
♀ New Member
Member # 18258
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, October 31st (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel a certain amount of peace knowing that there are others here who don't know everything. I don't even know what I know or don't know, you know?

WH had online relationships with women, consummated one, and I thought we had moved past it. But then today I found that he has installed a keylogger on HIS computer. I can't imagine why, if not to make sure I'm not finding lord knows what.

I just don't trust him. At all.


Me - BS, age 32
Him - WH, age 32
Kid1 - 3 y/o
Kid2 - 9mo
"Kid3" - Dogbeast

Trying to sort out fact from fiction.


Posts: 12 | Registered: Feb 2008
bestrongforyou
♀ Member
Member # 25818
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, November 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

easily_deceived, what would he achieve with a keylogger?


Me(39)BS Him(35)

Posts: 659 | Registered: Oct 2009
easily_deceived
♀ New Member
Member # 18258
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, November 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no idea. I've never been anything but faithful. The only thing I can think of is that he wants to know what I'm looking at on his computer, or what I'm typing on my online forums (I don't access SI on his computer, but do frequent a few parenting forums).

I think, honestly, that he just doesn't trust me because he expects me to behave like he would/does. He can't imagine that I would go online without talking dirty with friends of the opposite sex, can't imagine that I wouldn't talk to people about things I said I would talk about outside our marriage, can't imagine that I would actually be, you know, trustworthy.

Whatever. It is what it is. I honestly think I just need to become OK with things how they are, because clearly they are not going to change. I doubt I'll ever get complete honesty, so I guess I should stop expending emotional energy looking for it.


Me - BS, age 32
Him - WH, age 32
Kid1 - 3 y/o
Kid2 - 9mo
"Kid3" - Dogbeast

Trying to sort out fact from fiction.


Posts: 12 | Registered: Feb 2008
shushpuppy
♀ New Member
Member # 25232
Default  Posted: 2:47 AM, November 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have read most of the posts on here and i totally feel the pain you are all going through.

I feel i belong here because i totally feel still in the dar about what i think could have been an emotional affair my hubby had.

The story is as follows:-

He got a new job.
I noticed how he would talk about a certain female at work and always with such positivity (unusual as he has always been a negative person who cannot see good in anyone). I ignored it at first and didnt get to worried. Three months into the new job he took a weeks break and during that break he said that he was thinking about leaving me and the kids because he felt there was not enough intimacy in our relationship (he had an addiction to online gaming and wouldnt make time for any intimacy, his life revolved around the computer).

I found a text message on his phone saying "hi gorgeous, your quiet today"? xxxxx and immediately confronted him about it. He explained it away as saying a male colleague sent it as a joke. I said nothing further but kept my eye on his phone bill.

His contact increased with this female colleague i mentioned earlier but their job descriptions told me there was no reason for them to be in contact at all.

He would ring me at lunchtime for a couple of minutes and then immediately afterwards call her for a good 30 minutes (him not being a talkative person this made me quite paranoid).

She would ring him in the evenings with lame excuses about work. Things that i know could have waited until the next day. He was so respectful, kind and over pleasing towards her and then talk to me like an animal when he ended his phone call to her.

Twice whilst at this job he was de-moted and it was ironic that she too was always de-moted on the same day as him. The reasons he gave were always far fetched and never made any sense.

My nephew went to work at his place of work for a two week release period from school and all contact for those 2 weeks ceased between them and then re-started the day my nephew was off the premises. This was explained away as he spoke to her on the office phone instead of his mobile (first time in 3 years)!

Her husband came to work at the same company and my hubby started a hate campaign against this man. His excuse was that he stole a job he should have been given.

All the while this was going on my hubby was nasty, obnoxious and dis-interested in me. He explained this as work stress.

My hubby and this woman were eventually made redundant together earlier this year on the same day. No-one else was made redundant.

They both secured jobs at another company and as far as i am aware all contact has ceased. My hubby explained this as he insisted to his new boss that he doesnt want her contacting him agian because in the last job she interfered.

Am i paranoid for thinking these two had something emotional going on or is my gut instint telling me something?

Many thanks for reading.


Posts: 19 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: UK
SourCherryDrops
♂ Member
Member # 25883
Default  Posted: 6:06 AM, November 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@ricardoarjona,

Most keyloggers do support monitoring remote PC's and are often capable of delivering the logs to an email account.

But that is not the problem. As soon as you start placing a keylogger on a PC that you do not own then you are walking on very thin ice. I would suggest that if you do want to do that then you first seek legal advice.

Basically if the WS has access to PC's that you do not administer then its safe to assume that your keylogger is only giving you half the story.



Me BS 37, Her STBX 34, 1*ONS, 1*EA 1*PA/EA, 2*PA
Heading for D after 9 mths of R

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Europe
bestrongforyou
♀ Member
Member # 25818
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, November 12th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

shushpuppy, can you not ask his old employer? You might get some information.


Me(39)BS Him(35)

Posts: 659 | Registered: Oct 2009
shushpuppy
♀ New Member
Member # 25232
Default  Posted: 1:41 AM, November 13th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hiya,

His old employer is his new employer! They secured jobs at a company his employer is a partner in. I was told my hubby was made redundant because he was unreliable and kept taking time off work, this OW was let go of because she was incompetent.

Why would they be moved on to another place he owns if this is true? He would have gotten rid of them period wouldnt he?


Posts: 19 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: UK
Pepper_95
♀ Member
Member # 25858
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, November 22nd (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think I will ever know all of the truth.

I think I have to learn to make peace with that or just let the marriage go.


"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Posts: 186 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: limbo
survivinglies
Member
Member # 19376
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, November 24th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

shush-
Those are definitely red flags. I spent 13 years in the dark. Hold your ground. Ask for a poly. Go through with it. I wish I had ten years ago. I backed down.


BS (me)
WS (him)- ONS 1995, 3 month EA 0708
Married: 18, Together: 20, DS & DD
"Onlies" until ONS
95-98 trickle-"we didn't have sex"
D-day #1 (1/23/2008- EA OW#2)
D-day #2 (5/1/2008- ONS OW#1)
Isaiah 40:31

Posts: 1397 | Registered: May 2008 | From: U.S., just a few miles south of insanity
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