I have been through the whole discovery thing, I installed a key logger, watched her cell phone, the whole nine yards. Every confrontation brings lies. Ridiculously transparent lies. When confronted with truth she continues to stone wall. Even though she hasn't "done anything" she blames me if she has. She is verbally abusive and belligerently states her rights to privacy and choice.
Mine is a sex addict (and a gambling addict) and I am wondering how many of you with similar stories also have a sex addict partner. If you do there is help available. A great deal is now written about the addiction. I also found myself in the defenition of codependent. There is help for that.
I feel liberated by what I have learned even though I am barely started practicing healthy boundaries. My COSA group and my counselor are very helpful.
If you already know about sex addiction and about codependency and do not think they apply to your situation, you would know better than I. But if you haven't looked into it, I believe it might be more than worth your while.
I can feel peace of mind lifting the fog even though my wife is still full blown acting out. The peace is coming from knowing that no matter what she says I didnt cause it, I can't fix it, I cant control her in any way.
I take back my own power by acknowledging that I and only I can control me.
There are many many books on the subject. If you suspect an addiction component, you won't be able to fix that, but in most cases apartner's addiction has put us in a codependent mode and each of us CAN fix that. Do your homework. It works if you work it, and you are worth it.
I agree with what you said about we can't control them. I went to al-anon for 6 months, and found it very helpful in dealing with this situation.
I'm still using al-anon's "foundation" from my first M in dealing with WH, & other difficult people having addictions.
capri ~ considering the "source", you are hardly weird.
ricardo, can you make it a condition that she show her computer to you and leave it opened? I freely admit I lock mine, but considering I never was doing anything wrong, and my FWH still acts, emotionally, like we're roommates, and actually had the gall to put a keylogger on our homecomputer to monitor how close *I* was getting to the truth... I don't feel he has any right to access to mine. I think, however, when a spouse is clearly breaking trust or has broken trust, that's different.
I am sorry for you, your problems sound a lot like where I have been for a few months.
Listen to your own truth. Stephanie Carnes describes the process of recognising truth in a way she calls "thin slicing" Basically she says you know your spouse well enough to recognise when something is wrong and that when you are being fed a diet of lies, your truth will emerge from scant evidence. Listen to that truth and protect yourself.
In addition I adopted a lot of codependent defensive mechanisms and, really, the whole codependent mind set. I am working through those issues with the help of my counselor, my COSA group, my sponsor, and some great books. Even though the lies from my WW haven't stopped, and she seems in full "acting out" mode I now understand I didn't cause it, can't stop it, and can't even work on her. But I must work on me and keep myself safe and sane.
I believe you can strengthen yourself even during this horrific time so when all the BS is over and the dust is settled you will be wiser, stronger, and more in control of your own life than you ever have been, whether you come through together or apart.
Stay aware, learn to ask either the right questions or no questions. Believe in yourself and your truth will emerge.
[This message edited by Stop at 1:40 PM, October 13th (Tuesday)]
I see him on Skype every evening for hours and it's not me he is talking to but he doesn't have 5 minutes to talk to his kids - I just don't get it.This is more then just a normal separation - this is a complete cut from his kids too.
I have started IC - I am just not sure why I am actually going - she will not be able to tell me what happened to my marriage in a matter of weeks but I will continue it anyway. I gave up my business and now I am looking for a new job - had one interview so far but didn't get the job - it's not easy. I am meeting friends a lot and I am also working on my physical appearance - all the things I have neglected I am taking care of now.
I just feel like my arm has been cut off andd I don't know how to fix that.He was my best friend and I miss talking to him every day. He is so negative and cynical all of a sudden - everytime I am going into depth about anything I am judging or analyzing. It is impossible to hold a normal conversation with him about anything.
He is not happy - I can see he is not - I just don't know what it is he is looking for...
He says he hates to work abroad but he doesn't want to stop either - I just don't understand...
[This message edited by bestrongforyou at 5:15 AM, October 14th (Wednesday)]
I share your pain. I expect seeing a counselor will prove very healthy for you. She should be able to see things from a good perspective and if not, there are other counselors. Mine is very helpful and knows her role. She doesn't make decisions for me but she does draw out of me what I want and why I want it. I am lucky to have developed a strong support group in the face of my wifes behavior and my codependent reactions. Your problem may be entirely different but the only way your husbands problems will get worked out is for him to recognise the need and work toward a solution. If you focus on your needs and your life, (MAKE IT A HAPPY ONE PLEASE!!) he may see that you are making yourself happy and that you intend to be happy with or without him. I have started by having a financial plan that will allow me some flexibility when it is time to make the hard decisions. Your situation may vary but if finances are an issue you might consider making a plan to be ready to take care of yourself and your kids. When you are not trapped, you don't feel trapped and make better decisions. at least I believe that.
Take good care of yourself, don't let your life revolve around someone elses bad behavior, you didn't cause it, you can't fix it. But you can take care of yourself and will be the better for it no matter what he does.
Best wishes to you bestrong, I think from reading your posts you are strong and will be just fine when the fog lifts and you work through the pain. Own your own truth and act in your own and your kids best interests.
Its plain evil!
WH had online relationships with women, consummated one, and I thought we had moved past it. But then today I found that he has installed a keylogger on HIS computer. I can't imagine why, if not to make sure I'm not finding lord knows what.
I just don't trust him. At all.
Trying to sort out fact from fiction.
I think, honestly, that he just doesn't trust me because he expects me to behave like he would/does. He can't imagine that I would go online without talking dirty with friends of the opposite sex, can't imagine that I wouldn't talk to people about things I said I would talk about outside our marriage, can't imagine that I would actually be, you know, trustworthy.
Whatever. It is what it is. I honestly think I just need to become OK with things how they are, because clearly they are not going to change. I doubt I'll ever get complete honesty, so I guess I should stop expending emotional energy looking for it.
I feel i belong here because i totally feel still in the dar about what i think could have been an emotional affair my hubby had.
The story is as follows:-
He got a new job.
I noticed how he would talk about a certain female at work and always with such positivity (unusual as he has always been a negative person who cannot see good in anyone). I ignored it at first and didnt get to worried. Three months into the new job he took a weeks break and during that break he said that he was thinking about leaving me and the kids because he felt there was not enough intimacy in our relationship (he had an addiction to online gaming and wouldnt make time for any intimacy, his life revolved around the computer).
I found a text message on his phone saying "hi gorgeous, your quiet today"? xxxxx and immediately confronted him about it. He explained it away as saying a male colleague sent it as a joke. I said nothing further but kept my eye on his phone bill.
His contact increased with this female colleague i mentioned earlier but their job descriptions told me there was no reason for them to be in contact at all.
He would ring me at lunchtime for a couple of minutes and then immediately afterwards call her for a good 30 minutes (him not being a talkative person this made me quite paranoid).
She would ring him in the evenings with lame excuses about work. Things that i know could have waited until the next day. He was so respectful, kind and over pleasing towards her and then talk to me like an animal when he ended his phone call to her.
Twice whilst at this job he was de-moted and it was ironic that she too was always de-moted on the same day as him. The reasons he gave were always far fetched and never made any sense.
My nephew went to work at his place of work for a two week release period from school and all contact for those 2 weeks ceased between them and then re-started the day my nephew was off the premises. This was explained away as he spoke to her on the office phone instead of his mobile (first time in 3 years)!
Her husband came to work at the same company and my hubby started a hate campaign against this man. His excuse was that he stole a job he should have been given.
All the while this was going on my hubby was nasty, obnoxious and dis-interested in me. He explained this as work stress.
My hubby and this woman were eventually made redundant together earlier this year on the same day. No-one else was made redundant.
They both secured jobs at another company and as far as i am aware all contact has ceased. My hubby explained this as he insisted to his new boss that he doesnt want her contacting him agian because in the last job she interfered.
Am i paranoid for thinking these two had something emotional going on or is my gut instint telling me something?
Many thanks for reading.
Most keyloggers do support monitoring remote PC's and are often capable of delivering the logs to an email account.
But that is not the problem. As soon as you start placing a keylogger on a PC that you do not own then you are walking on very thin ice. I would suggest that if you do want to do that then you first seek legal advice.
Basically if the WS has access to PC's that you do not administer then its safe to assume that your keylogger is only giving you half the story.
His old employer is his new employer! They secured jobs at a company his employer is a partner in. I was told my hubby was made redundant because he was unreliable and kept taking time off work, this OW was let go of because she was incompetent.
Why would they be moved on to another place he owns if this is true? He would have gotten rid of them period wouldnt he?
I think I have to learn to make peace with that or just let the marriage go.