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User Topic: For Those Still In The Dark
Gullible
♀ Member
Member # 20005
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

well, here is another update... my H and I were having a heated discussion yesterday when I was questioning him about things, and he had told me previously that this e-mail pic was of a porn model. I didn't believe him, because I had been e-mailing this girl that I linked to the e-mail address on the pics- she, by the way, had the same name as was on the note I found that my husband wrote to someone last fall. All her sisters have that name, too, as it is some African thing. Anyway, she told me in an e-mail that the girl in the pic was a classmate of hers at the university. That's why I didn't believe my H when he said she was a porn model. Yeterday he actually showed me her in a porn video, and I did find her online today, so I guess he was actually telling the truth on that one. I don't remember if I ever posted the story about the e-mail pictures someone supposedly gave him (he says a male friend gave them to him.) Still, that lip gloss story is mighty fishy. All of this investigating is giving me a headache!!!

Posts: 124 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Midwest
Gullible
♀ Member
Member # 20005
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jitterbug- I did try searches on whitepages and many other sites listed in
I-tips. No such luck yet. What would you consider "indisputable" evidence?

Posts: 124 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Midwest
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What would you consider "indisputable" evidence?

Well, that's difficult. One story I heard on here was that a woman walked in on her H *while* he was having sex with the OW, and he tried to convince her that she was hallucinating. Some will deny no matter what, it seems.

I think a lot depends on what you want if you find out he is, in fact, cheating. If the hope is that he'll come clean and you'll want to R, you'll likely need something very solid--like a recording of him talking to OW, a love letter, or a photograph. Something that he can't credibly deny.

If you plan on divorcing him, then you need only enough evidence to convince yourself, I'd think.

My original intent with my H was to present him with undeniable proof in the hope that it would force him to deal with his issues. The more time passes, the less inclined I am to think that's ever going to happen.

I have enough proof to convince myself, but not enough that he's forced to confess. Example: during the time of his A, I found a *very* sexually explicit birthday card he'd purchased. It wasn't filled out yet, and I never saw who he gave it to--but I waited until after *my* birthday had passed before I asked him about it. He claimed it was for a buddy of his. Believe me, this was NOT a card you'd give to a same-sex friend; it was a card you'd give to a lover. Still, he sticks to his lame story. I have dozens of examples like this, all of which he "explains" away.

My respect for him is almost nonexistent, honestly. Such a coward.

Anyway, Gullible, I guess it's different for everyone. As always, trust you gut. You'll know when you have the evidence you need. (And I'd definitely put a VAR in his car since it sounds like he's with her there.)


Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH is exactly like in that "story" about the "hallucinating" & blatant sex. It can be right up in front of MY Face and he will...still..deny.
Not somebody who is ever welcome back in my house, again, the nasty ass Creep!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh! Dreamlife: UNbelievable!

(Well, I guess we're all here because our spouses are unbelievable, aren't we? But you know what I mean. Some more over-the-top than others.)


Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
Gullible
♀ Member
Member # 20005
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, August 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Jitterbug and Dreamlife. Jitterbug- I know you told me I should wait before confronting him on things... I do with some things (like the phone number), but I thought it wouldn't hurt to confront him about the lip gloss. I felt if I waited on that one, he might even not know what I was talking about. Aren't some things better to confront about when they're still fresh? Also, do either of you know a good web site where I can find an address for the cell phone number and name I have? It is a US Cellular number.

Posts: 124 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Midwest
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aren't some things better to confront about when they're still fresh?

I'm a fine one to be doling out advice, Gullible, since I'm still in the dark myself, but I think when you're in investigative mode, it's best not to confront about *anything.* The reason for this is that you want your H to let his guard down, thinking you no longer suspect anything. If he knows you suspect, he'll likely just become better at hiding.

At least that's how my H is.

I saw you posted the cell question on I-tips. Hope you had some luck with it!


Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
Hurtsadangry
♀ Member
Member # 9294
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dreamlife - I don't know what he is at this point. I went away for a few days to think and I asked him to write down exactly what he wanted in the bedroom. One of his fantasies was to have me, another man and him in bed, with him dressed in a "slinky thing" He claims to be totally hetero, but that just struck me as weird. Needless to say, I told him "in your dreams" (no offence to anyone into that sort of thing, but I'm not). At this point, I just have nothing left to give - I want out.


Happily Divorced as of 7/13/2009 at 2:30 pm!

Posts: 1387 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Limbo
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh geeeeeez. ((hurtsadangry))

I really have to wonder if we ever *really* know people.

I'm so sorry. For you. For all of us.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, August 22nd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurtsadangry~ from what I have learned in my other support groups, the 2 guy thingie with you translates to this:

He wants to fantasize being you/the "woman"...while the other man is...ummm...you know?

He also sounds like a *bottom* who is still in the closet.

Huge hugs, sweetie


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Hurtsadangry
♀ Member
Member # 9294
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, August 23rd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dreamlife - could you PM me with the other support groups that you mentioned? Thanks.


Happily Divorced as of 7/13/2009 at 2:30 pm!

Posts: 1387 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Limbo
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, August 23rd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since I've mentioned them in the past over in General, here they are:

Wives of Bi/Gay Husbands@yahoo.com...Bonnie Kaye is also a noted author/lecturer/IC who was once M to a gay man...I get her monthly newsletter which is very informative!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, August 23rd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

More:

StraightWives.com

Bonniekaye@aol.com


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Hurtsadangry
♀ Member
Member # 9294
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, August 23rd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks. I'll check them out.


Happily Divorced as of 7/13/2009 at 2:30 pm!

Posts: 1387 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Limbo
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 4:31 AM, August 24th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Kodi
♀ Member
Member # 16237
Default  Posted: 4:07 AM, August 25th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So how do you find out what your H is up to when they are so sneaky? I'm no good at this PI stuff. H doesn't use a computer and he has a company phone. It's like once he goes to work he has a double life. I can't find any information but my gut keeps screaming out to me.

Posts: 1333 | Registered: Sep 2007
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, August 25th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kodi, there's *tons* of information in the I-tips forum (under the first post) about how to catch them. Have you read through it?

I sympathize with your frustration, believe me. My H never uses our home computer--plus, since his A ended years ago, it's very difficult to prove.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
Kodi
♀ Member
Member # 16237
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, August 25th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JR- I'm a computer idiot. I've used the I-tips to get a back door number for his phone. Well now he's gotten a new phone and his code has changed. I don't think he's having an affair right now. I do know OW was on his work voicemail just a couple of months ago. Now he doesn't bring his work phone home so I feel he's got something to hide and is still talking to her. You wouldn't believe the road blocks I have come up againest. I feel like just giving up. He won because he got away with it because I can't find any solid evidence.

So much has gone on in the last 2 years. It a long story and I have trouble explaining it for other people to understand when I try writing it out. I probably have ADD.



Posts: 1333 | Registered: Sep 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, August 25th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kodi~ I could have written most of your post.
please hang in there!

I just found out that WH has changed some things around in his e-mail box but I have no idea what it could mean.
Its like he's put up road blocks inside a maze and I'm stumbling around inside this crazy labyrinth just so lost & frustrated and tortured!

JR~ I have posted a lot in I-tips also over the YEARS...either no real help or responses -- or people there are just as CONFUSED as I am.

I'd really like to beat the Crap outa him for continuing to Mind Fuck me, but I won't...just kidding/venting...hmmmm


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, August 28th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JR~ I have posted a lot in I-tips also over the YEARS...either no real help or responses -- or people there are just as CONFUSED as I am.

I think you're a LOT further along in the investigative process than I am, dream. I'm still at the stage of trying to locate the owners of cell numbers, etc., and I-tips has been very useful for me.

Another example: it was through I-tips that I was able to obtain OW's email address. For some reason, I'm glad to have it. That said, I have no idea what to do with it. . . .?

I'd really like to beat the Crap outa him for continuing to Mind Fuck me, but I won't...just kidding/venting...hmmmm

Now dreamlife: beating the crap out of your WH isn't the answer. You know that.

The answer is to hire someone to beat the crap out of him.

. . . .

Kidding! Just kidding!!


Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
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