Sorry, but I know now who & what he IS.
I have far too often seen his blank stare, repeatedly heard his too many lies & deception (its in his character), & know what a sociopath he can be.
If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck...stuffs.
It would be an utter WASTE in my personal sitch.
And, I have already gotten past this long enough to *realize* it.
I will never again believe a word he says.
I will only believe hard cold black/white EVIDENCE.
Did your WH try to make all of you think that you were crazy, too???
((Gullible))--hugs to you. I know how hard this is.
My H has never come out and told me, "You're crazy," but he may as well be saying just that, since he's telling me that what I know to be true is not. The craziest thing is that it works--if you allow it. You begin to doubt your own senses. That's the whole point of gaslighting.
Keep your feet on the ground and stand firm: you *know* what you know, which is that his story doesn't make sense. The fact that he keeps repeating it doesn't make it true.
If I had it to do over again, I wouldn't have confronted my H before I had solid evidence. As difficult as it is, I think you should let him think you buy his story and totally drop the subject. If he's cheating, he'll let his guard down and, hopefully, you'll be able to get the evidence you need.
You're NOT crazy!!
Do you think you'll be able to stop confronting him until you have undeniable proof? For example: the cell phone. I did the same thing as you, and--once he knew I was checking--he stopped using it.
All by way of saying, I hope you'll learn from my mistakes (and I made plenty). If I'd refrained from confronting him about everything I found at the time, I would have been able to get the truth. Now? Highly unlikely. The A is long-since over, and my H has had ample time and opportunity to cover his tracks. I *so* wish I hadn't tipped my hand too early, and I *so* wish I hadn't revealed my sources of information.
As hard as it is not to confront when you find stuff, I can't recommend strongly enough that you should *say nothing* until you have proof that he can't explain away. If your H is anything like mine, that means you'll need something like a video from a PI. (Although sometimes I wonder if my H wouldn't try to deny *that* too!).
Jitterbug ... RAT?!?
People: Read up on the 180!
Oh, and I'm boycotting Nike forever ;)
there is a remarkable lack of anxiety or depression for situations in which these emotions are usually expected.
Oh yeah. They can sleep through anything. People always say a clear conscience lets you sleep well... well, it turns out that an absolute lack of conscience is even better for that!
Response to therapy is usually very poor
Gullible, you asked some time ago how crazy is it that THEY are trying to convince US we're the ones with the problem. Yes, it is, and to answer another question, yes, he has tried for years to make me think I'm crazy. I am amazed, looking back, at the hell he had me living in, constantly telling me I'd heard wrong, that I'd misunderstood, that I hadn't actually seen what I'd seen, that none of it meant what it would if anyone else in the human race had done or said it.
I can't stress enough what Jitterbug Rag said-- you know what you know. And don't say a word to him until you have undeniable proof. But be warned that 'undeniable' proof is very different for the sort of people we're dealing with. I've found two secret e-mail accounts, ten years worth of Christmas AND birthday cards from her (one sexually suggestive), a dozen different lies and stories about who she is, denials that they're EVEN as much as friends, insistence that actually he's talked about her ALL the time (never mentioned her) and I knew all about her, romantic Asian porn hidden on the computer, him shifting her to his work account and lying to me about that, later saying he did it to 'protect her' from me, refusal to ever say a bad word about her (and you should hear some of the doozies he's said about ME!), refusal to tell me what was said between them, 'too upset to remember' what he said when he sent the nc, the list goes on... and somehow with all of that proof, most of which even he now admits happened, he still insists it was absolutely NOTHING, just a strictly platonic friend who meant really next to nothing to him, and I'm crazy for thinking anything else. Yeah... crazy, I tell you.
I will warn you, too, that one of the members here literally caught her WH in the act, and he tried to convince her she was seeing things. I know if I had pictures, mine would insist that someone photoshopped his face in, and he'd say it with such wide-open, innocent eyes, that I would almost believe him.
So... be careful about what you think is undeniable proof. Collect enough evidence to be sure in your own mind.
On the days I begin to doubt my own senses again, I remind myself that people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. And that I've never in my life had a problem with so many 'coincidences' making me look like something I'm not. No one I know has that problem.
As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point in the wrong direction.