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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: For Those Still In The Dark
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, June 22nd (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His "own" computer? LMAO!

I take it that its his personal computer?

Well, its also YOUR computer if you live in a community property state -- check.

Had I known any better before, I would have immediately hired a tech to come to the house with a new Hard Drive & replace it.
Surprise! hehe

I have my WH's *old* HD...I told him that I was soooo "upset", boo hoo hoo...I could not bear to use the PC after I found him cheating online (& hiding our $!!!) so I THREW IT OUT IN THE TRASH CAN.

Seems he believed me.


When its time to show my hand, I'll let him know what I have.

I actually took the tower down to the tech shop as I live in a very non-techie area and it took them about 2-3 days to get the old drive out n the new one in. You can also have them back up the old drive on a portable HD.

I would use every bit of technology at MY disposal!

My only regret is leaving the Master bedroom each time to smoke a cig when WH would LIE or gaslight me...see, he does not smoke.

Heck, what was I (not) thinking?
I should have had my pack of cigs handy, dressed up in my satin gown like one of those old movie stars and waited for him to get very sleepy n ready for bed...then asked him ALL the questions he always lied about...calmly lighted up and blown a huge puff of smoke his way saying/punctuating with "Fucking LIAR!"-- to his "I can't remember", "I did not do it", "I don't know what you're talking about..."

Time to get out The Big Guns of Tech/PI...because: when they leave, go deeper underground, or you finally kick him out as I did...it will be much harder or TOO LATE.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Brave Latina
New Member
Member # 19774
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, June 23rd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey dreamlife,I laughed so much,after I red your post ,But Im still wonder,Can you actually take your Home Compt.,to one of those PC Doctors,to check old for e mails,I mean go back as far as one year,or check the hard drive?? Im still little confused..And also,How can I have acess to the I TIPS forums,How does it work??...Gees counseling its getting harder,our IC believes he could have a sexual compulsive ,issue. ,gees!!,any advice,thanks for your understanding..Iris...

Posts: 11 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Midsouth
capri
♀ Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted this in general, but I'll ask the question here, too, for those who are in so much the same position.

How do you feel when you find ws has actually told the truth about something?
I've spent years with him pulling this game on me where he either doesn't give me all the information I need to understand a situation in the first place, or tells me one things and then changes the story on me. In either case, he would add insult to injury by then giving me this look like I am such an idiot for mistaking the situation, for getting upset, and so on. And for years, I felt like a complete idiot, always totally taken aback, and wondering how I could have made such a mistake, how I could have misheard, etc.

Eventually, I figured out what was going on, with him changing the story. I even started writing things down so I would know I wasn't crazy. In the last two or three years, I've come to understand that he also lies.

So now, I'm still finding out bits and pieces about these friendships. This week, I'm of the mind that he actually told me the truth about some things. I'm beginning to think it's highly likely he really didn't sleep with any of them, and even wonder if maybe these women didn't actually hold his friendship in very high regard (although there is no doubt that all three of them continued the friendship knowing they were a secret, or in one case knowing his wife objected and thought there was something going on between them.)

So a part of me is feeling like I should be embarrassed at the lengths to which I've gone, trying to find out what really happened. If they never slept with him, I'm sure they'd easily make me out to their friends to be some sort of nutjob.

But it always comes back to this: he did lie, he did go to great lengths to deceive me, in order to spend time with and have relationships of some sort with these women. If the relationships didn't go as far as I feared, if these women weren't actually all that interested in him, I guess I wouldn't have made that mistake if he'd been honest and behaving like a faithful and loyal husband all these years.

Anyone else finding snatches of truth among their ws's lies, anyone else struggling with these feelings?


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
survivinglies
Member
Member # 19376
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Capri- I can relate. WH drove me to insanity with the years of lies. He is really good at making me think I was mistaken, or that he miscommunicated, or that he "can't remember" or "forgot" (my personal favorite). I would end up feeling guilty only to find out 13 YEARS later that my gut instinct was right. I finally got enough nerve to ask him for a lie detector test last week. He was a little offended at first, but when I explained that I genuinely need this to move on, he agreed. I am working on setting up an appointment. If he's not lying anymore, it shouldn't be a problem- right??? If I'm important to him, he'll do it for me and my sanity- right??? Hope this helps!


BS (me)
WS (him)- ONS 1995, 3 month EA 0708
Married: 18, Together: 20, DS & DD
"Onlies" until ONS
95-98 trickle-"we didn't have sex"
D-day #1 (1/23/2008- EA OW#2)
D-day #2 (5/1/2008- ONS OW#1)
Isaiah 40:31

Posts: 1397 | Registered: May 2008 | From: U.S., just a few miles south of insanity
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone else finding snatches of truth among their ws's lies, anyone else struggling with these feelings?

I figure it's kind of like, even hypochondriacs really do get sick; even liars tell the truth ... sometimes. The trouble is, unlike with a hypochondriac, there's no "liar's thermometer"--no straightforward method of distinguishing what's real from what isn't based on what you're being told.

I'm sad to say that at this point, I assume what's coming out of his mouth is a lie and, if it turned out to be the truth, I would probably see it as an ... aberration!?! (Sheesh! Jaded much?) Especially if it was the *whole* truth.

Have you guys ever read this stuff on the Internet that teaches people how to lie well? One of the "tips" is to always pepper the lie with some truth to make it more believable. I don't think my H needed this tip (he's a natural), but I'm sure he's used it.

But it always comes back to this: he did lie, he did go to great lengths to deceive me, in order to spend time with and have relationships of some sort with these women. If the relationships didn't go as far as I feared, if these women weren't actually all that interested in him, I guess I wouldn't have made that mistake if he'd been honest and behaving like a faithful and loyal husband all these years.

*Exactly*! Years ago I found out my H had secret lunches with a woman. I asked him, How many lunches? Two. HOW many? Four. HOW MANY? Six. So I figure it was probably about a hundred.

As the mantra goes on SI, those with nothing to hide, hide nothing. Well, I'm sorry, but this really isn't always the case with my H. I've caught him in lies about really stupid things that he knows perfectly well I would not have reacted to in a negative way. There really *wasn't* anything to hide, but he was hiding it anyway.

So. His response to why he kept these lunches secret was that he was worried I'd think he was having an affair, or that he wanted to have an affair, with this woman. Did he? I have no idea. And granted, long before any of this, very early in our relationship, I at times "punished" him for telling the truth--e.g., his habit of frequenting strip clubs? I didn't like it and said so. He didn't stop going, he just started lying about it.

Incidentally, the woman he had the secret lunches with isn't even the one I *know* (without concrete proof) he had an affair with.

And you know what? I DON'T CARE ANYMORE that he had an affair. (I realize this could change if I ever get that elusive concrete evidence, but I'm pretty sure I still wouldn't care.) It really is the lies I can't handle. But you know what else? When I tell him this, I'm betting he thinks I'm ... lying! Just as it's been so difficult for me to fathom his lies, it's probably just as difficult for him to fathom my truth.

Is it too early for a drink?

[This message edited by JitterbugRag at 1:54 PM, June 25th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm reading a LOT of gassing/hurt/pure emotional/psych torture here...

huge hugs, everyone!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Huge hugs right back atcha, dreamlife!

And thanks.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 12:21 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
capri
♀ Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, June 26th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

survivinglies, I have considered that. I go back and forth, because the tests can be unreliable, and if he failed, he'd convince me he was just nervous and I'd still doubt. I think he'd balk at taking one, anyway, although he did close down all his extra bank accounts immediately when I demanded it.

Oh, and mine also managed to hide his ea for close to thirteen years! For us, that's the vast majority of our marriage, especially at the time.

I'm sad to say that at this point, I assume what's coming out of his mouth is a lie and, if it turned out to be the truth, I would probably see it as an ... aberration!?! (Sheesh! Jaded much?) Especially if it was the *whole* truth.

Me, too. To a T. We've had similar incidents with trying to get at the truth of how often and for how long he was meeting ow2. And, yes, I assume that he's trying to minimize it.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think he'd balk at taking one, anyway, although he did close down all his extra bank accounts immediately when I demanded it.

Why did he close his extra bank accounts, capri? So you wouldn't be able to pay for the test . . .? So you wouldn't clean him out in the event that he failed . . .?

My H agreed to take one years ago. He was really arrogant about it, too: "Hook me up!" (I just wonder how enthusiastic he'd be if I told him I'd scheduled an appointment?)

If the test was 100% accurate, I'd do it in a flash, of course. But same as your H, if he failed, he'd just point to the inaccuracy rate and why they're inadmissible in court, etc.

What I'd love is one of those "parking lot confessions" I've read about on here. It's very tempting to try it, though I think in my case it's a long shot. H has stuck with his story for so long that I think he's started believing it himself.

Survivinglies, please let us know how this goes for you. Here's hoping you get the truth!


Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH could pass any Lie Detector test-- UNFLINCHINGLY.
He's a cold *sociopath*.

Jitter, I have never heard about "Parking Lot Confessions"...would you kindly explain?
Thnx!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dreamlife--yes, I've heard that sociopaths can pass lie detector tests. Scary. (As if sociopaths aren't scary enough!)

The "parking-lot confession" happens when the WS gets freaked-out about the prospect of taking a lie-detector test and ends up confessing everything before the test . . . like in the polygrapher's parking lot.

[This message edited by JitterbugRag at 11:04 AM, June 27th (Friday)]


Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
capri
♀ Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why did he close his extra bank accounts, capri?
As little as I trust him right now, I think he actually did this one because on some level he gets it, even though he still won't bring it up and say, Let's deal with it.

The bank accounts only had $5 apiece in them. They were ones he'd set up because they had a great offer, or were closer to home, or something. He was irritated and wanted to know why should he close them. I said because he's lied to me about so many things, I don't trust him having bank accounts all over the place. He grumbled, but five minutes later was ready to go. We went together, and he closed them both.

I'm not sure mine's a sociopath, but I do think he's a smooth enough liar he just might be able to fool a polygraph. And as you said, he's now been telling the same story for so long, I think he can repeat it without breaking a sweat and half believes it himself, or at least is so convinced of his right to tell me whatever he wants, that it wouldn't really phase him.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know, capri. It's my understanding that a polygraph--when performed by a good, experienced polygrapher--is extremely difficult to "fool." I don't think my H is a sociopath, either, but I do wonder if he could be just convincing enough to create "inconclusive" results.

I still go back and forth on this. I'm also not sure how to go about finding a good, experienced polygrapher . . .?


Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
oldtimer97
♀ Member
Member # 2365
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For you ladies (& gents) that cannot access your BS's computer, I recommend a manual keylogger...www.keycatcher.com is a good example, it costs under $35. You just attach it in the back of the computer & it starts recording.

I would not recommend using it for any period of time, but using it for accessing the PW used for the computer and any other programs or emails they use. The easiest way to get your info fast is to turn their computer off, then back on & claim the power went off. If you're not sure whether their computer boots back up after loosing power, turn the power off & on at the circuit box.

After you have obtained the password for the computer, you can then install a keylogger software program & stop using the manual keylogger.

Probably the oldest & most popular and reliable of programs are SpectorPro & Eblaster, available through www.spector.com in my opinion and experience. The company makes it their business to keep their program hidden from numerous spyware seeking programs that hit the market. The installation is also fast and easy, plus removing all traces of installation is a valuable option to use, so as not to be caught because you forgot to wipe your visit to their site off of the internet history. Their keyloggers track pretty much all the popular email and chat programs out there, even Myspace.

A quick explanation of the differences. SpectorPro is handy to use when you have access to the computer..it doesn't send reports by email to the extent Eblaster does, but it does take screenshots which can come in handy if your SO is carrying on with someone through online games or Porn interactive sites.

Eblaster on the other hand is more handy if you can't or don't want to be checking the computer. It sends out reports of text, programs accessed, time of use etc. Although it can be installed remotely, most users wouldn't probably never open the attachment it comes in, but it can easily be uninstalled remotely, say in the case of separation or divorce when you would be risky privacy laws should it be found.

If you become comfortable with keyloggers, there are also some free ones available now that also can be in stealth mode like Spector's. I have no knowledge how easily they could be detected by Spyware programs however. You can find them on www.download.com & www.zdnet.com using a keyword search of "keylogger".

Edited for content.

[This message edited by oldtimer97 at 10:55 PM, June 27th (Friday)]


FWIW, because of brain damage, I write in storyteller form, so hardly any short posts from me & bad eyesight gives me a 50% edit rate..Apologies in advance!

Posts: 3168 | Registered: Oct 2003 | From: Sunny Arizona
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, June 29th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much, oldtimer (great advice!!!)...I wish I had KNOWN about this back in 2004...

If I have further recent proof about WH, gang, its this:

He is STILL leading his Triple Life:

The sex addict/lust creep one...the $ hiding one, & the "Saintly Perfect Employee" one for public/family.

Bastard!!!!

However, just KNOWING this yesterday has brought me such relief. Its no longer in "my head"...this is the reality
I'm dealing with now.

Fuck it all.

[This message edited by dreamlife at 12:11 PM, June 29th (Sunday)]


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, June 29th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

However, just KNOWING this yesterday has brought me such relief. Its no longer in "my head"...this is the reality
I'm dealing with now.

((dreamlife))

I'm glad it brought you such relief, dl. And how much saner to be able to deal with reality, huh? (I can only imagine.)

Peace to you . . .


Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
Needingthe truth
♂ New Member
Member # 20062
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, June 30th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand what you are saying, just not being sure if and what really tears at you.
About 3 mos ago I found some sexy lingerie and massage oil (with a good amount missing) in my wifes dresser. Knowing that she never shared that massage oil with me or dressed in the lingerie for me I felt something was going on and questioned her. She made all kinds of excuses about the lingerie from it was a friends who loaned it to her to she bought it for a trip we took to Las Vegas. She also claimed that she used the massage oil on me, which I know for a fact is not true.

A couple of days later I checked her cell phone and found that all of here calls were deleted 2 days after I had confronted her with the lingerie and oils. There was one call that I did find and had it tracked down to another guy that I had no knowledge of. When I questioned her on the cell phone she first claimed that the cell phone company told her to delete her calls often so the phone would work better.

Finally I told he that unless se gave me the truth I was leaving. She did tell me that there was another man that she had talked to on the phone for the last 2 years or so but that is all that happened and it was not tied to the lingerie or oil or an A.

I am really having difficulties believing this and constantly question it in my mind. To this day she sticks to her story that she did nothing wrong.

I will say that she has changed quite a bit for the better since I confronted her with this but I just can't believe what she is saying and just feel that I need the truth to move on.

Kind of in a limbo state.


Posts: 10 | Registered: Jun 2008
AnotherTry
♀ Member
Member # 19498
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, June 30th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's lying Needing...count on it. You need to keep checking. Can you get into the cell phone records? Get some evidence before you confront her again but only after you get that. If you do before you have real proof, you will drive her A underground, if it hasn't been done already. Good luck, we've all been there, we're here for you. God Bless.


BS 41
FWH 40 (4reasonsunknown)
M 15 yrs, together 18
D-day 05/08/08
Finished almost a year of MC and WE are healed!! WE survived infidelity only through God's love and grace!!
3 wonderful girls, 14, 13, 8
With God ALL things are possible

Posts: 522 | Registered: May 2008 | From: NC
Gullible
♀ Member
Member # 20005
Concerned  Posted: 11:08 AM, June 30th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone,
I've got my own situation currently, as I have a thread under "General" titled "Condoms & masturbation" that I know some of you have already replied to (thanks.) I thought I should join this "In-the Dark" discussion, because I feel like I'm still in the dark too. My H tells me stories that keep changing, lies, etc. He would like for me to believe that I am going crazy or that I'm making myself crazy... NOT! I had thought about having him take a lie detector test, too, but I'm not sure after researching it and talking to my best friend, who took one for a job once (and failed, even though she was telling the truth!-she was very nervous.) The thing is, if our H and WH are such good liars to begin with, they could probably easily pass the test, as is measures anxiety, heart rate, nervousness, etc. So, they probably aren't totally reliable. They could either pass when they are lying (because they're so skilled at it!) or fail because they're nervous. My H (maybe WH) also takes a prescription for anxiety, so there's another issue. I would probably question the results either way. By the way, can someone suggest that any of us users (including new ones like myself) have access to the
I-Tips forum, even if we haven't reached 51 posts yet? I think we could all use the information- better sooner than later? How could we suggest this to the web site moderators?

Posts: 124 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Midwest
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