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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: For Those Still In The Dark
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want some answers but I'm afraid he will lie more.

And he mostly likely will lie more. The only thing I know to tell you is to keep your eyes and ears open and your mouth closed. Keep a journal of his comings and goings, of anything that seems amiss. From everything I've read here, it's a whole lot easier to catch them if they think they're in the clear. That's when they slip up.

Takes a lot of patience, but it's better than not knowing.

Have you checked out the I-Tips forum? A lot of good information in there if you're dealing with an ongoing situation.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
Kodi
♀ Member
Member # 16237
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H is working out of town. I don't trust him. He calls me twice a day. I have his cell password. I really don't think anything is going on right now but it would make me feel so much better just to be able to check on him.
I called a PI they want $125.00 an hour!!! I've had surgery and am not back working fulltime yet so sure can't afford that.
My H doesn't use a computer so most of the tips don't do my any good and I'm not cut out to be a spy.


Posts: 1333 | Registered: Sep 2007
hurtingoma
♀ Member
Member # 17974
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kodi

We are in the same boat. He calls and he doesn't use a computer, we share our email account. MOst tips here don't apply because there is no OW


Un-flipping believable! You just can't make this stuff up!

Posts: 140 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: MN
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe the very first lie WH ever told me was when we were chatting & e-mailing in 02.
I asked him how his relationship was with his XW.
"Fine".

Then he slipped up and said this *several times*..."I don't want to rattle her cage..."
When I asked him what he meant, he said it over, & over.
Ultimately, just brushed it off as meaning "nothing".

He also never had his pay check (which was direct-deposited into their JOINT acct for 9+ years) diverted into a NEW seperate acct. AFTER their D.
(When I was horrified about this as he's described her as a shopoholic who never worked after their M, he said he got *creative* with ways to "hide $"; he also gave me a host of very lame excuses as to why he did not start up a new bank acct after their D...'I never had time to go to the bank...I never had time to go to HR @ work...she would not sign off on the joint acct", etc.

Well, when I kicked him out of my home on 9/06, the first thing he did was drive to our bank & almost clean out our joint acct!

Then, looking like a cold-eyed snake when I confronted him there, he proudly announced that he had just opened a NEW seperate checking acct!

Another thing about the XW that bothers me...she called him up 3 months after we were M & asked him for $.

I have spoken to both and the amount is always vague/changeable...but she 'did not know he had re-married & just thought we were dating' --BS...he tells me she needed $ to buy Xmas gifts for her horde of relatives/friends.

I think if I explore this in depth...I might hit on a huge break through & see some LIGHT!

I feel in my gut that he is continuing to give her $$$ and has been doing so on the sly since our M.

He tells me he did not give her $ in 03, but never told me about it because... "it would just upset you"...hmmm, oh, really??!

Any ideas out there?


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dreamlife, I'm not clear about what you're asking. Is this information that's pertinent to a divorce settlement? If so, maybe you could hire a financial forensics pro to do some digging.

You're still married to him, right? So maybe you have a right to this information in any case. Have you talked to an attorney? Cleaning out a joint account sounds, um, illegal?

Asshat!


Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, jitter, I was all over the place.

To clarify, WH did put back every cent 2 days after he pulled this stunt...he continues to leave $ in the joint acct. for me and never touches it.
I spoke to an atty who said it can now be deemed as "transmutation"...or support...since we r going on 2 years of our seperation.

I don't have 10K to hire a Forensics Acct. No guarantees they will find the $ either.

What I was asking, was this:

Why would WH continue supporting his XW for 9 years AFTER they D?
They M in '91 & she D him in '96...their joint account was FINALLY closed in 2003!

Why did/does WH continue/continued to give XW money?

Why did WH always say he did not want to "rattle XW's cage"?
(He even "shared" HER D atty -- who was HER personal *friend* -- telling me he just wanted to get it over with and could not wait to sign the D papers! hmmmmm....)

(Me thinks the word I'm looking for starts with a..."B").


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK, dreamlife. I get it, now!

Does it seem to you that "B's" get a lot further in these matters?


Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If we are both on the same page about WH being "B", yes-- absolutely!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Paper Roses
♀ Member
Member # 19336
What?  Posted: 8:21 PM, May 18th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok. it is Sunday. :39 Pm, very quiet time for SI. I am still in the dark about a lot of things. I do think my FWH is being faithful and accountable at this time.

D-Day was Nov, 2005, but trickle truth brings the most recent admissions up to February 2008. Since the last admission of ..I am not sure what...EA? Maybe or more or less? He has shut down completely.

All of these newer admission were of affairs prior to the Spring/summer/fall 2005 affair.

Since then NC, as far as I know. Since Nov 2005, he has shown remorse, been accountable and even answered my questions!

Until the last conversation we had about the earlier, he calls them "flirations" and said they were women he met at a bar, he played darts with, bought drinks for but never took anyone home or even left the building with anyone. Always left alone.

These went back as far as 2002, supposedly. no idea how many women he "flirted" with because they were just flirtations!

Primary Ow, spring/summer/fall/05 ow (ssf/05 ow)was the first I found out about because she was the one who he "fell in love" with and therefore had to tell me about! Of course, there was absolutely no physical contact with her either, in spite of ample opportunity, infatuation, nightly drinking of massive amounts of alcohol and neither of the "lovers' having been moral giants!

So, FWh has decided to reveal no more. He has been accountable, sober, in AA, since Nov and Feb 2005, respectively. He says and acts as if he loves me, goes no where without me,except work and just will not admit to the obvious truth.

What? Is he doomed to repeat what he has not admitted?


Me-50-FBW-
He-45-FWh- sober 4 years

Self-deception- is literally a matter of deceiving oneself- and thus raises unique questions.
How can one deceive himself-unless he already knows-what it is that he is deceiving himself about?


Posts: 623 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Los Angeles
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 5:27 AM, May 21st (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What? Is he doomed to repeat what he has not admitted?

Well this is one of many questions for those of us still in the dark, isn't it? The thing is, if we don't know the truth about the past, how can we possibly trust the future? Or for that matter, the present?

My H has sworn on our son's life that he didn't have an A. Most days I know damn well that he did, and it makes me wonder what else he's capable of lying about, you know? Until a few months ago, I had no doubt that he loved me, despite what he had or hadn't done. I'm no longer sure of even that. His dishonesty has eroded my trust that much.

So for me, even if my H is faithful now and forever more, I'll never feel safe in the marriage until I get the truth.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
Paper Roses
♀ Member
Member # 19336
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JitterbugRag,
Sometimes, ok often, I get on my case. I say to myself what he says to me, "get over it"!

What I fail to remember, what he will never see and what his family and others dont realize, is that the constant lying makes "getting over it" impossible.

I dont know what that means, so afar as any future is concerned. Well, I guess I do. I refuse to leave my beautiful house, which I cannot afford alone and he can! I will not leave my roses and my quiet and my trees. They are the only things that give me any pleasure now! No, I am not materialistic, but when I looked for an apartment I could afford (L.A.), I could afford a 500 sq ft BOX! It was a box. No yard, a square foot of space in front of the door, 100+ other apts, very, very close to me! Cost almost as much as my house! I will wait. I may not go back to work until the fall or even 2009, but I will wait!

I just will not add another trauma to my life right now!


Me-50-FBW-
He-45-FWh- sober 4 years

Self-deception- is literally a matter of deceiving oneself- and thus raises unique questions.
How can one deceive himself-unless he already knows-what it is that he is deceiving himself about?


Posts: 623 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Los Angeles
Paper Roses
♀ Member
Member # 19336
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can anyone tell me how to get to the I-Tip Forum?

thanks
Roses


Me-50-FBW-
He-45-FWh- sober 4 years

Self-deception- is literally a matter of deceiving oneself- and thus raises unique questions.
How can one deceive himself-unless he already knows-what it is that he is deceiving himself about?


Posts: 623 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Los Angeles
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, May 22nd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can anyone tell me how to get to the I-Tip Forum?

If you're logged-on, you should be able to see the I-Tips forum near the bottom of the forums list. It appears after you've made 51 posts. If that's not working, you might want to ask a moderator about it. (Just post "Mod please" in the subject line in General and one of them will respond.)

And about your previous post, you don't sound materialistic to me at all. Anyway, it's difficult to make life-altering decisions when you don't have all the facts. Enjoy your lovely home and garden!


Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, May 23rd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Paper Roses~ this reminds me of when WH said..."Why can't we just let bygones by bygones?"
(referring to his Vegas slut/guy??)

I said..."How can I possibly do *that* when I don't even know WHAT the bygone IS?"

Take your time & plan...acting in haste without back up Plan B & even C... can be really detrimental to one's future happiness & comfort, wants & needs.

Yes, as JR has said, do ENJOY YOUR HOME!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Paper Roses
♀ Member
Member # 19336
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, May 24th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Jr and Dreamlife!
I am waiting, there are times that he says he will make my life too miserable to allow me to stay but then..he loves me again! So, I think I can cope. i hope so.


Me-50-FBW-
He-45-FWh- sober 4 years

Self-deception- is literally a matter of deceiving oneself- and thus raises unique questions.
How can one deceive himself-unless he already knows-what it is that he is deceiving himself about?


Posts: 623 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Los Angeles
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, May 25th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lean on us, here.

I'd make HIS life miserable right back!

Too bad I did not light up cigs in our Master bedroom when WH would not answer my questions! I used to be "polite" & smoke in the bathroom half a cig at a time with the fan on or outside on the deck.
I should have made his "comfortable life" with ME just as *awful* as he was making mine!
If I could only turn back the hands of time....

I learned the Art of Gaslighting & Mind Fucking right back ~ albeit sweetly, too.

Its called self defense, Roses!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
doormatwoman
♀ Member
Member # 19518
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is the lie of all lies after false r I found out that the ow my h left me for in nov. was a coworker and they were together while he still lived here. the ow that he left me for now is the good women who helped him get over the pain of the first ow who hurt him so badly. what a saint. I also found out that when he left me after 2 weeks of false r that his mommy drove him to her house so that he could be with her because he missed her so much boo hoo hoo. I guess she forgot that I told her how much I loved my H and wanted this marriage to work and how happy the kids were to have him home.


me 45
wh 49
married 25 years, separated 2

Posts: 81 | Registered: May 2008 | From: canada
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

door,

Just read your profile and what's happened to you is just horrible. I'm so sorry.

Are you taking care of yourself? Are you in therapy? This is a LOT to handle, so I hope you're using every possible resource of support available to you--including SI, of course.

Have you read the stuff in the Healing Library? A lot of people have found the "180" to be immensely helpful. You might want to check it out. It seems as if it would be appropriate for what you're going through.

((door))


Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
doormatwoman
♀ Member
Member # 19518
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, I think he is 180ing me lol. I am going to call a therapist tomorrow, i need one. I've never tried that, I wish I had 10 years ago. Thank you again for your support, it seems like most people that I know are so horrified that they avoid me.
They can't stand to see me hurting like this.


me 45
wh 49
married 25 years, separated 2

Posts: 81 | Registered: May 2008 | From: canada
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, May 28th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it seems like most people that I know are so horrified that they avoid me.
They can't stand to see me hurting like this

Yeah . . . I rarely discuss any of this anymore with friends. I've been stuck so long "in the dark" that they're tired of hearing about it, and I guess I can't blame them.

Glad to hear you're going for therapy. A good therapist can make a HUGE difference (keyword being *good*--they can be hard to find, but well-worth the effort). I have a good one and it helps to keep me grounded (uh, kinda . . . usually).

Hang in there, door, and keep us posted. You're not alone.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
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