Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: NotOphelia (43155)

I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: For Those Still In The Dark
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, May 7th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH admitted he was hiding behind religion to "look good" because he was such a twisted sex addict!
Hypocricisy...blatant deception.
The bank where he has one of his *secret* accts accidentally mailed me his statement...I saw he had given small donations to various Catholic charities!
When he told me he was interested in working with our local church ( helping homeless folx), I became suspicious immediately; I reminded him that he was not on his bipolar meds, that he hated organized religion (esp. Catholicism!)...so what was his Hidden Agenda?
He backed off...
Its just another gaslighting smokescreen.
Had he gone through with it, I would have notified the parish and told them EVERYTHING!
I don't mind him helping monetarily, but to get in the trenches...where he could be a predator or Lord only knows what..."Mr. Looking Good"/Saint Charles...ugh, NO WAY.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Tolana
♀ New Member
Member # 13778
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, May 9th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been reading through this thread and am so glad I am not the only one in the dark. I am so glad my husband isn't the only one that makes up wild stories that make little to no sense.

A year ago he had an affair while away (it's in my profile, long story). He said that at the time he was just looking for a friend online. Yeah, they met the next day and had sex. This last March I found a website where he had put up an ad looking for "active participation" for sex. The website was made a year ago while he was away.

That kind of blows the whole "I was just looking for a friend" excuse out of the water. He claims he set it up AFTER the affair because he was mad at me. Um, how much sense does that make and how is that reconciling if you did that?

Today, I wake up and he is sending an email and acts very strange about it. Very secretive. I ask to see his history on his computer. For today there was a sex site where you read stories. I wouldn't normally be angry but he hides these things. We argue. He leaves. I go to look at the rest of the history for the past 2 weeks. It is all deleted. Yet he claims he has nothing to hide.

Anway, the point of this whole long rambling post is that he still hides stuff, won't come clean about anything, and then tells me I am paranoid. He thinks I should just automatically TRUST again. No building of trust. Just TRUST.


BS (me): 35
WS (him): 37
Married 8 years
DDay: 26 Feb. 2007
Found all the accounts at sex sites online: March 2008

Sick of his sh*t.


Posts: 37 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: far away from home
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He said that at the time he was just looking for a friend online. Yeah, they met the next day and had sex.

Good grief. I guess one *can* have too many friends, huh?

He claims he set it up AFTER the affair because he was mad at me. Um, how much sense does that make and how is that reconciling if you did that?

Um, none? It amazes me how otherwise intelligent people can spew this level of idiocy. My H does the same thing--although, unlike yours, he won't confess to *anything.*

. . . he still hides stuff, won't come clean about anything, and then tells me I am paranoid. He thinks I should just automatically TRUST again. No building of trust. Just TRUST.

That's what I get. I think capri said the same thing. They lie and lie and lie. Then, when you don't believe them, they're *offended*! Why are they offended? Because they're telling the truth *this time,* of course!

I hope I get a straitjacket for Mother's Day. . . .


Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
Tolana
♀ New Member
Member # 13778
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jitterbug-

Isn't it amazing? The lies they tell that they think people will believe?

As far as confessing, he would still deny the affair if I hadn't found out about it on her MySpace page. But he claimed they were only kissing in those pictures to make her ex angry! I didn't believe that one.

Then later, when it was over, she contacted me and sent me pictures of them NAKED together. At least he didn't try to tell me they got naked and did nothing to make her ex angry.

I just got screamed at again about 10 minutes ago for not believing him that he has nothing to hide. For saying I was going to go talk to a chaplain (he is military and we are overseas) because I am so depressed and confused.

If there is nothing to hide, stop hiding nothing.


BS (me): 35
WS (him): 37
Married 8 years
DDay: 26 Feb. 2007
Found all the accounts at sex sites online: March 2008

Sick of his sh*t.


Posts: 37 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: far away from home
2yrsinthedark
♀ Member
Member # 16278
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, May 10th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did something pretty stupid. (one of many.). Although I cant prove it, I know they were in contact in Feb/Mar. He said only once in Feb. Anyway, some blocked calls showed up in the March cell bill. I know in my gut it was her. They suddenly stopped when I tried to call her to tell her to fuck off. Anyway, I asked him to please come clean about it, but he refuses. Deny, deny, deny. The last time I emailed him, told him that I know he is lying and all I want is the truth. I said in that email that I hope he comes to me and tells me the truth, if he doesnt I will never bring it up again. Well he chose the easy way out, and now its eating at me. I cant stand not knowing what was said, and how long it continued. I've kept my word, and tried to continue R but Im just feel like Im stuck. What do I do??


"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: TX
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 1:42 AM, May 11th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tolana~ I'd install a good key logger before he goes further underground.
I treasure what little I have on MY key logger! It keeps me SANE.

2 years~ no advice, burnt out, but sending you huge hugs.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, May 11th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If there is nothing to hide, stop hiding nothing.

Just read your profile, Tolana. I think you can be certain that he has plenty more to hide, but what's of more concern is his utter lack of remorse about what you already know. I'm sure if you posted this in general, the overwhelming advice would be that your WS is still in "the fog" and that you need to do the 180 immediately.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, May 11th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2yrs, I've said very similar things to my H (i.e., "I'm never bringing this up again," etc.), but you know what? I CHANGED MY MIND. Too bad for him, huh?

If you need full disclosure to reconcile, then that's what you need--and if he's truly committed to reconciliation, that's what he'll give you.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, May 11th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's right, Jitterbug! ( "I changed my mind").

[This message edited by dreamlife at 4:28 PM, May 11th (Sunday)]


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Kodi
♀ Member
Member # 16237
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, May 11th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm still in the dark 2 years later. My h pretends that nothing happened. I could only find so much information.
He has been wonderful to me but I feel he's just covering his tracks. I don't think any thing is going right now but I don't trust him and never will.

Posts: 1331 | Registered: Sep 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, May 11th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kodi~ have you checked out the I-tips and used them?


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
afraidspouse
Member
Member # 19435
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, May 12th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am in the dark..I know he had an A..or still is..I just cannot prove it..if I bring it up he calls me crazy or a psycho.. so I guess that is his way to still do what he pleases.. I cannot wait until I am out of the dark..

Posts: 158 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Missouri
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, May 12th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel for you guys. I'm sailing in the dark boat right along with you. I don't *think* my H is up to anything now (not sure of anything anymore), but I'm 99.9% certain of a LTA years ago. Unfortunately, I tipped my hand way too early and gave him plenty of opportunity to cover his tracks.

The only thing I'm 100% sure of is that he's never going to confess.

We're basically living like roommates now. I can't bring myself to be vulnerable to him anymore, physically or emotionally, and he'd apparently rather live this way than to come clean. He acts as though things are just fine. Blows my mind, really, and also confirms my suspicions. Wouldn't an innocent man be anxious to address these glaring problems? Maybe not. He's a devoted conflict avoider. . . .

The best solution I can come up with, at least for right now, is to focus on myself and my child. I *have* begun to care less about how my H feels about our situation, which is kind of a relief. A sad relief, but that's my reality now.

I wish I could let all this go!


Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
neverendinghurt
♀ Member
Member # 15859
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am posting this becasue someone asked me to share what I did that helped me to get at some of the truth.

it won't work for all of you, it might not work for any of you AND, please be warned, you may hear stuff that you would rather not know, but here goes.

After dicovering his infidleity, which was a short lived thing that ended 18 monnths before I found out, all I got from him was stupid lies and gaslighting.

I did a lot of searching and eventually found her on the internet. I used his old secret email address (I had discovered the password and changed it), and I contacted her, and chated with her reminiscing about old times, except I got her to do all the talking. it wan't difficult she is stupid).

i then confronted him with the stuff I had learned from her. some of it he admitted to, some of it he is still denying, or who knows, maybe her memory wasn't totally accurate.

AGAIN, a warning, I did read things that were very hard to read AND I had to respond to them as though I was him.

If you have the means to do this, but don't think you can face it, you could ask a trusted friend.

Good luck.


The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another; and his humblest hour is when he compares the volume as it is with what he vowed to make it.
James M. Barrie

Posts: 26032 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Seattle
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for posting this, neverending (at my request). I'm glad you got some answers, though I know they were painful to get. It was a gutsy and creative thing you did. . . .

Unfortunately, my H isn't an email guy (as far as I know, which isn't a lot--ahem), but I hope this helps one of my fellow In-the-Darkers.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
capri
♀ Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Once again, JB, you are describing my life to a T. We are also living like roommates for the exact same reason. And he, too, just keeps acting like everything is normal. And blows my mind... barely begins to describe it. I constantly feel like I'm in a fun house... Hey!!! Your wife hasn't slept with you in months!!! Do you notice anything wrong???? And like you, to me this confirms that he's far guiltier than he'll admit. I CANNOT BELIEVE an innocent man would continue to be loving and accept this situation. Maybe he's got just enough conscience that he can't bring himself to rail at me when he knows darn well what he's done? But he sure won't admit it. So he keeps trying to make amends while insisting there's really nothing to make amends for.

Anyone have those moments where you feel like you're just going to scream and tear your hair out if you don't somehow get the truth?


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, YES, capri!

But, like JB, I am caring hardly at all (it started off with caring less...and less... ) because as IC pointed out...if someone TRULY LOVED YOU, THEY WOULD NOT DO THIS TO YOU.

So, why keep banging my head against the wall daily?

I try to do little things that help me to Move On from the freak!

A tiger never changes his stripes to spots and after what he has done, I can never ever trust *anything* he says, again. Or, what he does, either.
(Even though he sent me a lovely fold out "Mother's Day" card -- from him & our CAT "son" and had a dozen yellow roses delivered; fuck it all, I just want The Truth...not roses and bullshit cards! )

Get a key logger...hire a P.I. Get "creative" & do whatever it takes to get YOU the peace that you NEED.

Unfortunately, I'm the kind of person who needs to KNOW everything. Sigh....

(((((hugs, everyone)))))
because this IS "torture*!!!

[This message edited by dreamlife at 11:04 AM, May 13th (Tuesday)]


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
hurtingoma
♀ Member
Member # 17974
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want some answers but I'm afraid he will lie more. He was buying prostitutes...how can I ever know if he stopped? He doesn't withdraw money from ATM anymore (because he knows that is how I figured it out) But I know there is more ways to get cash than from an ATM.

I want the security of knowing when it started, why. and KNOWING it is over. Ireally don't want to take his word for it!


Un-flipping believable! You just can't make this stuff up!

Posts: 140 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: MN
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe he's got just enough conscience that he can't bring himself to rail at me when he knows darn well what he's done? But he sure won't admit it. So he keeps trying to make amends while insisting there's really nothing to make amends for.

This is what I think, too. My H bends over backwards to accommodate my every whim (not exaggerating here). So yes, *exactly,* it's as if he's making amends without acknowledging he's done anything to make amends *for.*

Maybe one thing to do is to remove those opportunities? Don't let him do anything to alleviate his guilt and see what happens. If there is a conscience there, maybe he would, as my grandma used to say, "show himself."

Anyone have those moments where you feel like you're just going to scream and tear your hair out if you don't somehow get the truth?

Every day, capri, every day. I look at him and think how it's all in there; everything I need to know is right there in his brain. But short of CIA torture tactics, I'm not getting at it.

Hmmm. CIA torture tactics. Any books on this, I wonder?


Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Get a key logger...hire a P.I. Get "creative" & do whatever it takes to get YOU the peace that you NEED.

The problem in my situation, dreamlife, is that he's not doing anything right now--at least that's what my gut is telling me. I'd need a time machine to catch him at anything. But believe me, I'll be prepared for any future "indiscretions." I've learned a LOT on SI!


Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
Topic Posts: 840
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42

Return to Forum: I Can Relate Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.