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User Topic: For Those Still In The Dark
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 12:38 AM, January 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ohhh, Jitter!

((((huge hugs, sweetie))))


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
lorieann75
♀ Member
Member # 17515
Default  Posted: 1:42 AM, January 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Amen Jitterbug.. amen. I was the LAST to know anything recently. Heck his own FAMILY helped him hide this crap..


BW : 32 (me)
WH : 27
Together/Engaged 7 years
DDay 1(EA) 08/27/2007
DDay 2(Phys) 10/07/2007
Status: I wanted R & MC but he chose the OW. Me & OWH both left in tatters. Hopeless

Posts: 123 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Midwest
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, January 9th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So after my little meltdown with my lying H on New Year's Eve, he approached me a couple of days later wanting to talk about the relationship. Unheard of! The thing was, he started gaslighting immediately ("It's not what you think" blah blah BLAH). So I said, very calmly, that I would tolerate nothing less than total honesty from him, then I promptly left the room. Since then, I've been doing what I guess is a modified 180. I'm civil, willing to discuss logistics of the household, parenting stuff, etc., but I haven't brought up anything about our relationship and have no intention of doing so. He told me he loved me the other day and I just gave him a blank stare and went on with what I was doing.

I gotta say I feel better. I'm still back-and-forth on how much I'm willing to play detective--and I'm not even giving it a thought that this will in any way make him come clean. But as the wiser SIers say, the 180 is for *us*--not them.

Any of you in-the-darkers try this? I know it's not a long-term answer, but it sure is making me feel a tad more sane for the time being. . . .


Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, January 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I am trying this, too, jitter.
IC calls it "The experiment" & for the next 2 weeks...I'm not to open up any of his mails, talk to him, etc. I know he left a message on the answering machine 3 days aho & bravo, to me -- I have NOT listened to it!

Yes, it IS helping ME.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, January 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad to hear it's helping you, too, dreamlife. Kinda funny--that's how I'm thinking of it, too: "an experiment"!



Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
capri
♀ Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 6:58 AM, January 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What kind of a marriage is it when you have to be a detective and *prove* that you know the truth before your spouse will admit to it? My H is a liar. He's always been a liar. To expect him to be anything *but* a liar in the future is just plain stupid on my part.
I think I may finally be getting it.

The stupid idiot. We could have had a great marriage.

Yet another post I could have written word for word. FWH has so many good qualities, but he's going to blow it all because he just can't imagine that anyone else deserves the truth. I just posted about the latest lie in general.

The sad thing is, I read all about growing up in an alcoholic home, etc, and I even understand how he became a liar. It makes sense. But it doesn't make me willing to live with it. And besides, he's now an adult, and he's been told in no uncertain terms that the lying has to stop, and he's now making his own choices.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone

I was just curious...how many here felt, because they were left in the dark (& some of us were even fed bullshit like we were mushrooms ) that in our ongoing quest For The Truth or For Information...we became *addicted* (in an OCD way) to our WH/WW?

By doing this little *experiment* which only lasted 9 days & not 14, it was a huge help.

I now have made the TIME to have other friends that I write to (yes, NICE men

) who are sanity savers!

Wow, I might even meet a few of them IRL someday.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, January 28th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dreamlife, you sound so good! Yay!

In answer to your question, absolutely--our "quest for the truth" can turn obsessive with lightning speed. This makes sense (in its own nonsensical way), but it's ultimately very unhealthy. I know this even as I continue to succumb to it (off and on).

It's more difficult, of course, when you're still IN it, as I am. I backslid big time with the 180 twice already this month. Getting back on the 180 horse, though, and trying again.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, February 4th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thnx, jitter!

Win a little, lose a little, huh?

There will always be somethings I will forever be in the dark about & I am resigned to this.

But, WH will have to *deal* with the CONSEQUENCES of such.

I sent him a mail...asked him questions pertaining to taxes, etc. - he's ignored it, but answers all the other fluffy mails.

well, this should have impact in court...what a stupid greedy fucking PIG & fool...what was that quote:
"For want of a nail...a kingdom was lost"?


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
countrygirl2001
♀ Member
Member # 18040
Shutup  Posted: 12:35 PM, February 4th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Exactly what are you doing as an experiment? :JavaScript:AddSmily('%20%20')

Posts: 131 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Cincinnati, OH
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, February 4th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

countrygirl, the "experiment" is the 180. (See the healing library if you need more info.) It's SO wise, and I was doing well with it for a while . . . not *nearly* as well as dreamlife, but maybe partially because I'm still living with the gaslighting SOB.

I've GOT to get back on track!

The 180 is for ME. The 180 is for ME. The 180 is for ME.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
momofone
♀ Member
Member # 17374
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, February 4th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I, too, have been lied to repeatedly. My WS didn't lie like this until he started having the affair. He tells me whenever I ask that it's over...yet, I find evidence that it's not. I'm going to go 180 on him too and see if it helps. The constant lies are ridiculous.

Posts: 126 | Registered: Dec 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 12:51 AM, February 5th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome, countrygirl!

Glad that you found us here.
Are you being kept in the dark, too?


jitter~
Its extremely difficult to do the 180 with the POS still taking up & sharing your air and space. Please don't be too hard on yourself, k?
Although it was a huge *relief* to have kicked the creep out, and essentially for constantly LYING or just gaslighting me with IMPUNITY, it still took me nearly another year to relax and feel...well, "normal".

And, yes, momofone, 'the constant lies are ridiculous'.

And, if I may offer a bit of a hint to those here who are continued to be gaslighted:

Try gaslighting right back.

Example:

me: "Oh, this sunrise is just glorious"!

asswipe: "Sunrise? sunrise?? You mean the SUNSET"!

me: "Well, if thats what YOU want to call it..." *smirk*

asswipe:...*spluttering* & left flustered in my dust!

Remember~ Mind Fuck.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, February 5th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dreamlife: gaslight back! I love it!

momofone, sorry you find yourself here. Gaslighting and lying are crazy-making, for sure. My WH hasn't even confessed to his A. He just keeps denying and denying and denying until I want to wring his neck.

I wish you luck with the 180. I think my mistake was in hoping it would have an effect on my H. (Unlike yours, he lies about other stuff, too--always has.) I started the 180 *knowing* it was for me and my own sanity. Well, I knew it in my brain, in my heart . . . not so much.

My brain and my heart seem to have only a passing acquaintance. I'm working on that, too.

SIGH.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, February 5th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jitter, remember...its a *process* & it takes time.

Its all part of the grief & despair & utterly torturous inhumane fucking maltreatment brought about with deception, dishonesty, & the infamous "LIE & DENY".

None of us here ever thought they were capable of being sucky bastards...or we would not have given our heart to 'em, right?

All I know is that this has caused me so much *damage* that I will never fully ever trust another man again...for those who might not have seen it, I posted under "Want Ads" in the D/S Forum.

Page 2...choosing between the 2...really was revelatory today!

Yes, do gaslight right back!
If they wanna dish it out, then they should be able to take it.

Mine denies A's even in the face of key logger reports!

No character POS! UGGGGGG

[This message edited by dreamlife at 5:41 PM, February 5th (Tuesday)]


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Kodi
♀ Member
Member # 16237
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, February 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So ladies I am not only in the dark but under the rug. Thought I could learn to live with it but as of today still not sure I can do it. After all these years I feel I have a right to know the truth and to know who my H really is. H has a double life. I'm no good snooping. Get busted out almost everytime. Just glad to know I'm not alone.

Posts: 1331 | Registered: Sep 2007
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, February 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, dreamlife. You're right. It's a process. I'll keep that in mind (in the unlikely event that I don't *lose* my mind along the way!).

kodi, I went through a long period where I decided to just accept the past and live with never knowing. It was right after my mom died, and I guess I didn't have the energy to care if I was being lied to or not. Unfortunately, the whole thing keeps rearing its ugly head.

I think it's impossible to ignore it when the person you're supposed to be able to trust more than anyone in the world lies to you.

As for snooping, I have a hard time with it, too. Every time I start, I begin to wonder what the point is if this is how I have to get the truth about my own husband. I go back and forth on this all the time. Something's got to give, though. I can't stand it much longer--and no one should have to live this way.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 3:26 AM, February 15th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jitter, & everyone in this thread...this might further help in understanding why they lie, lie, LIE & torture us by keeping us "in the dark":

lovefraud.com

hugs, everyone


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, February 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

180 is the way to go. It is difficult. I read it everyday before I go home and I still forget sometimes. I have been trying it for a couple of weeks.


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, February 26th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IC and I were discussing this yesterday. She said its just another *malignant* form of gaslighting & CONTROL...which relates directly to total disrespect, etc.

Yup, 180!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
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