I don't like being deceived, I won't have a dishonest man live with me...those have everything to do with one's character so far as I'm concerned.
If they get away with it without any consequences, where is the incentive to ever tell the truth?
They might just as well be comfortable little *CakeMen* with dual lives, right?
This is not the kind of person I want sharing my heart & my bed.
Yes, having the capacity is nice, but there's a limit, I believe, to how long I'll put up with someone who doesn't REALIZE that capacity. I just so desperately want a NORMAL marriage with a NORMAL human being. Yeah, I know we're all screwed up, but this guy FLIPS OUT because I *thought about* another guy, and it turns out he's spent our entire marriage having actual relationships of whatever sort with other women! And he can't seem to grasp why I'm upset at all???
I think what dreamlife says about consequences is right on. When I first discovered my H lied--very early in our marriage--my IC said I should leave to make those consequences crystal clear. I didn't. Big mistake.
I did, however, insist that H get IC, which he did. In the end, I was convinced that he'd "seen the light."
Now here I am all these years later . . . we're parents, we have a house, we have this whole life . . . and it complicates matters to the nth degree. I'm compelled to do everything I can to save the marriage and keep my family together. But, I, too, have my limits, and I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this.
For some reason, probably the holidays, I'm finding all of it particularly hard to cope with right now.
I'm working on getting out. Can't do it tomorrow, but I'm gearing myself up because I deserve better, and so do my kids.
These character *defects* go too far deep & THEY DON'T CHANGE.
I never liked standing in Quick Sand!
((((huge hugs to all of you)))
Our second counselor did us a favor, though it still burns me up, by saying he couldn't help us. (It burned me up because the man actually BLAMED ME for our problems, because I'm angry!!) But I would have hung on, hoping, even though I'd already felt like walking out several times. If your counselor can't see clearly that you can't make yourself just 'let infidelity go,' you need a new counselor or a new husband.
I, too, believe that if I walked in on my husband in the act, he'd find a way to deny what I'd just seen, to explain it away.
Are we missing something?
I'm very fortunate that my IC has a Ph'D & is in her 70s.
Talk about being sharp as a tack, experienced, & one who has nearly "seen it all"!
Maybe focusing so intensely on the facts--as opposed to the emotional dynamics--*is* unhealthy. I have to say that it *feels* unhealthy, to me. I just can't see another way to force my H to deal with our problems.
If it gets to the point where I no longer think there's hope for the M, though, I certainly will do everything I can to let ALL of it go. At that point, I can't see it as anything but a waste of precious time.
I'm finding great comfort reading your posts. I am still in the dark, because I have not yet confronted H.
I am still gathering evidence before I confront.
I just wanted to say hi and thank you for making me feel that I am not alone.
I just read your profile--so sorry you find yourself here. It's been a comfort to me, too, to discover that I'm not the only one in this situation.
Sure would be nice if we could all simply ask a question and get a truthful answer, wouldn't it?
Divorced: March 18, 2008.
I recommend all BS get a "Livestrong" bracelet and wear it; its helped me tremendously!
[This message edited by imanidiot at 1:13 PM, December 30th (Sunday)]
It doesn't sound to me like you're in the dark, hun. It sounds like you have your answers but just need to take action on the knowledge you have. I know that's extremely hard, and I'm sorry for your pain.
I've had enough. I can't do this anymore. HE WINS!!!
I think I may finally be getting it.
The stupid idiot. We could have had a great marriage.