Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: z1x2606 (43216)

I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: For Those Still In The Dark
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, December 16th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

'his capacity to lie'...now, that does speak volumes, doesn't it?

I don't like being deceived, I won't have a dishonest man live with me...those have everything to do with one's character so far as I'm concerned.
If they get away with it without any consequences, where is the incentive to ever tell the truth?
They might just as well be comfortable little *CakeMen* with dual lives, right?
This is not the kind of person I want sharing my heart & my bed.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
capri
♀ Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, December 16th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jitterbug, over and over, I read your posts and I could have written every single word. I think my husband has the capacity to be a really good person. I think he wants to be. But this lying thing crept in when he was quite young, and the insecurities, and whatever. I'm on the brink of ending this, he is deathly afraid of that, and so does he discuss his little lying problem and needing little 'friends' problem with his IC? Of course not!

Yes, having the capacity is nice, but there's a limit, I believe, to how long I'll put up with someone who doesn't REALIZE that capacity. I just so desperately want a NORMAL marriage with a NORMAL human being. Yeah, I know we're all screwed up, but this guy FLIPS OUT because I *thought about* another guy, and it turns out he's spent our entire marriage having actual relationships of whatever sort with other women! And he can't seem to grasp why I'm upset at all???


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, December 17th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, capri, same here. I read your posts and can't believe how similar our situations sound.

I think what dreamlife says about consequences is right on. When I first discovered my H lied--very early in our marriage--my IC said I should leave to make those consequences crystal clear. I didn't. Big mistake.

I did, however, insist that H get IC, which he did. In the end, I was convinced that he'd "seen the light."

Yeah right.

Now here I am all these years later . . . we're parents, we have a house, we have this whole life . . . and it complicates matters to the nth degree. I'm compelled to do everything I can to save the marriage and keep my family together. But, I, too, have my limits, and I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this.

For some reason, probably the holidays, I'm finding all of it particularly hard to cope with right now.



Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
msbhaven
♀ Member
Member # 16780
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, December 17th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Capri, I can so relate. My WH often acts jealous when he just thinks someone looked at me, or I've "thought" about someone, yet more likely our entire marriage he's always had "friends". My WH won't admit to a thing, even though I had emails as proof, and a conversation with the OW. Long story short, he gaslighted me (didn't know that's what it was at the time). WH won't go to counseling because he says he doesn't have a problem. So my marriage really has no hope so long as he chooses to keep me in the dark.

I'm working on getting out. Can't do it tomorrow, but I'm gearing myself up because I deserve better, and so do my kids.


BS: Me, 42
WH: Him, 37
Married 15 years, together 19
DDAY1 - 11/2006
DDAY2 - 2/12/2008
Status: Still in the dark because he won't admit anything.
DS: 17
DD#1: 15
DD#2: 5

Posts: 110 | Registered: Oct 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, December 17th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Get out, folks, get out before you sink so deeply, you are totally eroded, suffocated, self esteem totally shot...maybe finances, too.

These character *defects* go too far deep & THEY DON'T CHANGE.

I never liked standing in Quick Sand!

((((huge hugs to all of you)))


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
forgiveandforget
♀ New Member
Member # 10158
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, December 21st (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just don't understand why he doesn't want to come clean. I have obvious proof that he continues to deny - it makes me think like I am crazy. We are in MC and he denies it in there as well. The MC is making me feel like I need to let it go. I know one day it will all come out and then I can sigh relief. Just look at him and wonder who the hell he is?! Do they ever tell the truth. I just have images of walking in on him and her doing it and him saying nothing is going on. I really am not a stupid person. Happy holidays to everyone out there - oh the joys of family;

Posts: 24 | Registered: Mar 2006
capri
♀ Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, December 21st (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

forgive and forget, leave the counselor.

Our second counselor did us a favor, though it still burns me up, by saying he couldn't help us. (It burned me up because the man actually BLAMED ME for our problems, because I'm angry!!) But I would have hung on, hoping, even though I'd already felt like walking out several times. If your counselor can't see clearly that you can't make yourself just 'let infidelity go,' you need a new counselor or a new husband.

I, too, believe that if I walked in on my husband in the act, he'd find a way to deny what I'd just seen, to explain it away.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, December 21st (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Amen, capri!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, December 22nd (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is *with* these therapists? Mine also thinks the details aren't important, blah blah blah.

Are we missing something?


Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, December 23rd (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are some crappy ones out there. Learn to discriminate & Move On. Being a "Therapist" is a position of POWER...does not make them *skilled*, etc.

I'm very fortunate that my IC has a Ph'D & is in her 70s.

Talk about being sharp as a tack, experienced, & one who has nearly "seen it all"!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, December 23rd (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been with this therapist for years (she's a psychiatrist), and she's so good I wouldn't want to give her up. She's very open and supportive, so I may just need to talk to her at more length about this. I try to keep in mind, also, that there are different ways of approaching things.

Maybe focusing so intensely on the facts--as opposed to the emotional dynamics--*is* unhealthy. I have to say that it *feels* unhealthy, to me. I just can't see another way to force my H to deal with our problems.

If it gets to the point where I no longer think there's hope for the M, though, I certainly will do everything I can to let ALL of it go. At that point, I can't see it as anything but a waste of precious time.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
totally clueless
♀ Member
Member # 14262
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, December 26th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Everyone,

I'm finding great comfort reading your posts. I am still in the dark, because I have not yet confronted H.

I am still gathering evidence before I confront.

I just wanted to say hi and thank you for making me feel that I am not alone.


Me: BW, 35
Him: SWH, 36
Together 10 years
Married 7 years
Children: 1 beautiful 5 year old girl and another on the way.

Posts: 98 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: From NY, living in FL for now
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, December 27th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi totally,

I just read your profile--so sorry you find yourself here. It's been a comfort to me, too, to discover that I'm not the only one in this situation.

Sure would be nice if we could all simply ask a question and get a truthful answer, wouldn't it?



Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
Kodi
♀ Member
Member # 16237
Default  Posted: 5:50 AM, December 28th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can count me in as a member of the "In The Dark" club. My gut tells me that friends and family know more then I do. Its like nobody wants to get in the middle. That really helps me alot. Makes me feel just WONDERFUL!!

Posts: 1333 | Registered: Sep 2007
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, December 29th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kodi, have you tried just coming out and asking these friends/family? I'm thinking of talking to a couple of friends myself (wives of H's friends).

Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
steelcity1
♂ Member
Member # 17437
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, December 29th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The gaslighting was strong with my ww as well; fueled my desire to get the goods, and I got them.

Divorcing...


DDay: 09/30/2007
Me: BH: 43
WW: 46
One child: age 10

Divorced: March 18, 2008.

I recommend all BS get a "Livestrong" bracelet and wear it; its helped me tremendously!


Posts: 299 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: South Florida
imanidiot
♀ Member
Member # 17501
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, December 30th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been posting since DDay (day after Christmas) on JFO but am feeling too humiliated and ashamed to post there now that I have actually decided to try to work things out. I have known him all my life, started up a relationship after we both divorced (not for that reason) I received phone calls from the XW a month into our relationship. She worked for a wireless carrier and accessed his phone records. She said that he had slept with her a few times recently, telling her that he wanted her back, wanted to grow old with her, and wanted to renew their vows. He, of course, told me she was crazy. He also got her fired by complaining to the company about her illegally accessing the records. We were destined to meet, I was the love he had always waited for, he would do anything to be with me (I lived 1000 miles away at the time) Long story short, he actually left everything to come live with me after what I thought was a perfect albeit long distance relationship. XW continuted to cause problems, threatening suicide. He had to 'humor' her because of his 13 yr old daughter. Told me that if we ever had problems it would be because I doubted him. Moved here on Sept 1, went back the next weekend to go to a football game. While he was gone, I found a recent letter from a distraught woman. Obviously had been ongoing. He told me that he had been involved but broke it off shortly after we got together. Snooping into his phone records (he knew I knew his passwords) I found calls to this woman every day. Confronted him. Said she cared more than he and he couldnt help that, but wanted to keep in touch because she was a way to keep up with his former life. After all, he left everything for me. Told him he had to stop. He agreed. Told me that he explained the sitch to her and hadn't talked to her for two weeks. Lies, of course. I should have done something then, but didn't. Intercepted a couple of voicemails. In one, she was talking about how she was glad he got to see a game with his 'friends'. He saw the game with me! Christmas night, intercepted another voice mail about how much she missed him. I love you! she says. He had been back home two weeks prior to see his daughter- just stayed over one night because he knew I was uncomfortable about the X. Boy, was I barking up the wrong tree! I opened his bank statement week before Christmas. Hotel stay while he was there. He told me he stayed with friends. Hotel bill wrong! Actually told me he had given his debit card to his X to pay for dinner while he was there and she must have done this on purpose. Where was the restaurant charge then? Hmmmm. Said he would get to the bottom of it. Said more money was missing also!! Someone used his card!! I called hotel and requested duplicate receipt. Sure enough, stay for 2 adults and there was his name with the other woman's address. The one who wrote the letter. I called him and he was angry that I called him at work. Said we'd talk later. I told him to come home. He couldn't. I called her. She had NO idea. She told me that she thought he had moved here to get away from X; was living with a male roomate named Harry; he has called her every day to tell her he loves her; and that she will be moving down and they will buy a house together. The blond hair in the hairbrush when he got back? His friend's little daughter's hair. The perfume on his shirt? Hugs from former coworkers. Faced with the truth, got smashed, came home, very overwrought. Told me it was bad. Really bad, but not as bad as I think. Happened more than once (duh) Feeling very sad for hurting me but also angry that I told the OW the way I did (oh, yes, I told her that we had spent most of Christmas day in bed making love) Told me that she will not talk to him (guess he called to find out) Wants me, loves me, I am the love of his life. He had the A out of boredom and then saw her two weeks ago out of habit. Naw, she's not moving down here and buying a house. Is not stringing me along until he moves her down here. His main point is that he is here, isn't he? If he wanted her he would have stayed there. Is very very sorry. Never meant me to know. Thought it would fade away and be done with. Has agreed to NC but I haven't checked his phone. Doesn't want to lose me. Wants to try to get through this. Initially was going to leave because he could never look me in the eyes again and there was too much damage, then wanted to stay. The lies are astronomical. I realize now that everything the X said is probably true. She thought he just came here to ride his bike for a week or two and was staying in hotels. She has since discovered that he is living with me but he still refuses to tell her directly that he is not coming back. She is left to figure things out. He lies and lies and lies. Has been very solicitous, worried about me, tells me he loves me, calls me 10 times a day from work. Holds me all night. Will answer any questions. Wants to work things out. I got out of bed this morning before he did and he was upset that I left him. Says he will win me back, that it is killing him to see that I am just a shell of my old self and he will win all of me back. I must be the hugest idiot on the planet, but I still have hope. Shoot me in the head. We're supposed to have a long talk today or New Year's Day; he is working 12 hour days (he really is) I don't know if I'll ever know all the truth. Or why on earth anyone would choose to live in such a stressful way, stringing woman after woman after woman along. Explain that to me.

[This message edited by imanidiot at 1:13 PM, December 30th (Sunday)]


Posts: 169 | Registered: Dec 2007
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, December 30th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((imanidiot))

It doesn't sound to me like you're in the dark, hun. It sounds like you have your answers but just need to take action on the knowledge you have. I know that's extremely hard, and I'm sorry for your pain.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
Kodi
♀ Member
Member # 16237
Default  Posted: 3:35 AM, January 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JBR Not only am I in the dark but also a dumb fool. Its like the light bulb has gone off and my H leads a double life. Nobody wants to get in the middle. Its like they want to protect me from something horrible.

I've had enough. I can't do this anymore. HE WINS!!!


Posts: 1333 | Registered: Sep 2007
JitterbugRag
♀ Member
Member # 17294
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, January 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I think I've had enough, too. My original plan was to go into super-sleuth mode after the holidays and get the proof I need to blow this shit up and once and for all get everything out in the open. But after an awful New Year's Eve where I lowered myself (too much champagne) to *pleading* with my H to come clean--and him once again refusing to do so--I don't think I even care anymore. What kind of a marriage is it when you have to be a detective and *prove* that you know the truth before your spouse will admit to it? My H is a liar. He's always been a liar. To expect him to be anything *but* a liar in the future is just plain stupid on my part.

I think I may finally be getting it.

The stupid idiot. We could have had a great marriage.


Posts: 490 | Registered: Dec 2007
Topic Posts: 840
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42

Return to Forum: I Can Relate Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.