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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: For Those Still In The Dark
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, August 15th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, NPD 2 is FULL.

Another thing to keep in mind when they are so SECRETIVE & NOT TALKING ABOUT IT is this:

It may not always be just about the A.
It can also be about hiding MONEY, sexual orientation (bi/gay), etc.

So...WS...decides to say nothing at all.

Its easier this way for them; no tripping up.

[This message edited by dreamlife at 4:17 PM, August 15th (Wednesday)]


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
capri
♀ Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, August 18th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is that. There have also been some serious deceptions about $ here.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, August 18th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How did you find out about the money deceptions, capri?


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
capri
♀ Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, August 20th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found the bill when he was out one day.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, August 20th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am glad you were able to find it because WH made sure I never saw one bill from his 8 credit cards, not one bank statement, not one cell phone statement, etc.
Meeting online made it very difficult also.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
sunflower4
♀ Member
Member # 13452
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, August 25th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG! I just found this thread. It is hard to read about you guys with similar pain to mine but is good to know I'm not alone. Despite the evidence my WH lied and denied when I confronted him. It hurt me so bad I felt like if he really loved me he would tell me the truth. But a friend of mine helped me to understand that he's probably scared that I would leave and he would loose all that is important to him. It does'nt help much though I need the truth some days more than others. I love him soooo much, and we have built a good life together I don't want to walk away and would'nt if he came clean. I am afraid that he will decide that he got away with it once and do it again. I just don't know if I would live through it again.


Married 20 yrs
4 kids
D-day June 2006
Jan 2009
Nov 2009
Nov 2010


Dwell on the past and you will lose an eye. Forget the past and you will loose both eyes.



Posts: 92 | Registered: Jan 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, August 25th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to our sad little thread, Sunflower.

Well, mine turned out to be a serial cheater, serial liar, serial everything.

Money was much more important to him than love, too.

You know that *STUFFED FEELING* one gets when they've just had ENOUGH? Well, I had that last 9/6/06 with respect to HIM.

I cannot love nor trust anyone who doesn't feel its mutual in a M.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
What About Bob
♂ Member
Member # 8572
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, August 28th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Money was much more important to him than love, too. "

Hummm...dream your WH and my stbxww must be cut from the same pattern.


"Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose" Janis Joplin

"God is great, beer is good and people are crazy"


Posts: 2174 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: South
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, August 28th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, Bob, cut right along the same "grain" with pinking shears so they don't unravel too easily--but, WE DO.

[This message edited by dreamlife at 6:41 PM, August 28th (Tuesday)]


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
capri
♀ Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, August 29th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am afraid that he will decide that he got away with it once and do it again. I just don't know if I would live through it again

EXACTLY why I am pulling away. His stories just don't add up, but he's sticking to them like flies on dung. His general modus operandi is to be REALLY nice till things blow over, and then slide right back to his old ways.

He's had three 'friendships' he's hidden from me, and I refuse to let it slide under the rug this time, because sooner or later, he'll breathe a HUGE sigh of relief, and start right up again.

Our second/ last mc told me I better start being nicer or I'll drive him away. My response is: so? I'm supposed to be nice so I can keep having a marriage exactly like I have? We're IN COUNSELING because what I have is so horrible, so no great loss if he leaves.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
capri
♀ Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, August 29th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am afraid that he will decide that he got away with it once and do it again. I just don't know if I would live through it again

EXACTLY why I am pulling away. His stories just don't add up, but he's sticking to them like flies on dung. His general modus operandi is to be REALLY nice till things blow over, and then slide right back to his old ways.

He's had three 'friendships' he's hidden from me, and I refuse to let it slide under the rug this time, because sooner or later, he'll breathe a HUGE sigh of relief, and start right up again.

Our second/ last mc told me I better start being nicer or I'll drive him away. My response is: so? I'm supposed to be nice so I can keep having a marriage exactly like I have? We're IN COUNSELING because what I have is so horrible, so no great loss if he leaves.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
capri
♀ Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, August 29th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am afraid that he will decide that he got away with it once and do it again. I just don't know if I would live through it again

EXACTLY why I am pulling away. His stories just don't add up, but he's sticking to them like flies on dung. His general modus operandi is to be REALLY nice till things blow over, and then slide right back to his old ways.

He's had three 'friendships' he's hidden from me, and I refuse to let it slide under the rug this time, because sooner or later, he'll breathe a HUGE sigh of relief, and start right up again.

Our second/ last mc told me I better start being nicer or I'll drive him away. My response is: so? I'm supposed to be nice so I can keep having a marriage exactly like I have? We're IN COUNSELING because what I have is so horrible, so no great loss if he leaves.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, August 29th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, yes, EXACTLY, capri!

SAME M.O. with psycho, too.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Marlene1
Member
Member # 15332
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, August 30th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I have been in the dark for what I can figure about 10 years. Tonight I just finally found some text messages with I love you's from 3 years ago. I don't know if I should be happy or sad. I am relieved because I know I am not crazy, but so sad because now I am going to have to start making some decisions, and i know that if this is the only evidence I have he will once again try to talk his way out of it.

Posts: 1343 | Registered: Jul 2007
cinpa
♂ New Member
Member # 16007
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, August 31st (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too never received the whole story. I was told it happened one time, even though the emails stated otherwise. "oh, we thought you were reading my email so we made those up." HAHAHA! Fuck you...

She gets so angry at me for reading the emails, not upset that it happened. There's no remorse, no regrets from her. And now she only uses web email. Noooo, she's not still hiding anything...noooo...


Posts: 2 | Registered: Aug 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, September 1st (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry, cinpa.

Guiltless, eh?

Have you gone to the "I Can Relate" forums and read up on NPD?

Perhaps this will better help you in understanding the "mind set" which is so hurtful. That sense almost of "entitlement".


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
capri
♀ Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, September 4th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Marlene, I understand that feeling. It's really kind of sick in a way, but I'd almost be grateful to find I have an STD so he'd be forced to quit his lying, and I'd know for sure I'm not crazy and paranoid.

cinpa, that's what I feel from fwh. I believe he's truly sorry, but more sorry that he got caught and it's upending his life, than any sincere remorse for hiding women and lying to me all these years. I still get the feeling he's just annoyed with me for not 'understanding.'

Question for all: are you ever tempted to just try to make yourself believe the lies again?

He showed NO interest in intimacy the entire 6-9 months he was trading the cyber-footsie e-mails with her; he lied to me about her; he discussed with her how often to send e-mails, and what kind, to make me think what he/ they? wanted me to think; he lied to me about where he was one last day with two contradictory stories, came home tasting of sexual activity, and immediately lost his 9 month 'dysfunction' problem and never had an issue again-- think he broke up with her finally? Because THAT was immediately followed by four flattened and punctured tires, and then seven months later mc1 all but telling me she was seeing him, too. In this huge metro area, THAT is not a coincidence. Even this morning, he tried to tell me the reason he didn't send me any of the warm-feel-good e-mails was because he still thought I didn't know about the e-mail account. That is just not true. He'd known I knew about it since I stumbled across it a full year earlier. He knew I'd broken into it. He knew I'd read the e-mails, which is WHY he and ow3 were discussing how often she should send them so as not to look guilty by suddenly quitting.

How can I go forward in this marriage with any self-respect if he's insisting none of this is what it looks like? But how can I live in this continual standoff? It would be easier to bury my head in the sand and believe the wide-open innocent eyes. I can't stand this, seeing no way out, except to divorce him and hurt all my children.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, September 5th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Capri~ *cyber-footsie* deceptions...sounds like what my WH would be engaged in...has been...IS...

Oh, if I caught an STD...he'd STILL-- DENY, DENY, DENY.

Because this is WHO & WHAT he is.
Oh, I forgot to add: Sneaky & COWARDLY, too.

ETA: No, I'm not tempted to live with him...he was sucking all that was good and healthy out of me & My Life; I'm hovering on my One Year Seperation Anniversary and I'm so glad I kicked him out. Sign me, "No Regrets"!

[This message edited by dreamlife at 9:55 AM, September 5th (Wednesday)]


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
tmb1959
♀ Member
Member # 8494
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, September 6th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never received an admission, just "I'm sorry you were hurt."
My H's A was 2005-06.
Why do we stay with these guys? I don't think I want to be with this person the rest of my life.

Posts: 251 | Registered: Oct 2005
whataretheodds
Member
Member # 15278
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, September 6th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Still in the dark, but maybe not for long. I have a var, keylogger, and have ordered a gps.

Posts: 114 | Registered: Jul 2007
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