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User Topic: For Those Still In The Dark
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, July 16th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A support thread for BS's that are currently being mis-lead by their spouses/partners.

Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
ragingpain
♀ Member
Member # 10036
Default  Posted: 5:58 AM, July 17th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Still in the Dark...

Yep that's me.D-day was 2 years ago. I'm one of those who live with the "elephant in the room" on a daily basis.

I never got ANY answers or ANY admissions. Even with all the proof right there on the PC and on the cell phone bills he still shamelessly gaslighted(s) me.

I,m not allowed to bring it up to him AT ALL. Never validated about anything that went on; just left to believe it was all in my head so just "get over it".

And yet he now acts like a different man. He's an open book to me (least far as I can tell) he always wants to be together and do evrything together. He acts alot likke he did when we first started dating. Yet since D-day 2 years ago he hasn't told me he loves me. What is this?

I've been in limbo since D-day. Anyone else out there have a similar sitch?


And the flame burned away. But your still spittin' fire.
Make no difference what ya say. You're still a fuckin' liar.

Posts: 262 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: New York
ragingpain
♀ Member
Member # 10036
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, July 17th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The not knowing and being told you are "insecure" or "crazy" is way worse then knowing the truth.

Word.

I honestly believe I could get past this & move on with my life if he would just come clean. I already know enough, I just need to hear it ALLfrom him! Selfish bastard just tell me!!

I just wanna move past summer of '05.


And the flame burned away. But your still spittin' fire.
Make no difference what ya say. You're still a fuckin' liar.

Posts: 262 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: New York
Marlene1
Member
Member # 15332
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, July 17th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At least it sounds like he has learned his lesson. At least he is treating you nicely. They think we can't handle the truth, but you already know the truth and you stayed. It is TORTURE!!!

Posts: 1343 | Registered: Jul 2007
capri
♀ Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, July 18th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ragingpain, ditto, ditto, and ditto to every word you said!!! Yes, I'm in the same situation. My H, for a man who values his own 'privacy' so highly, has an unerring knack for knowing where I go on the internet, and it's frightening how often I read other posts and think if he's found this site, he'll think that post is mine. Yours is one such. You described us to a T.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
NoControl
♀ Member
Member # 14961
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, July 18th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all. Yep. I never got an admission of anything either. Once he said he was sorry *if* he hurt me- that was as close to an explanation as I'm afraid I'll ever get. It truly is torture. Living in the state of denial...because then we question our own sanity and the things we believe we know. We even down play the things we *do* know!
What evidence do you all have? How did he/she deny?


"I Became Insane With Long Intervals of Horrible Sanity" -E.A. Poe

Posts: 483 | Registered: Jun 2007
ragingpain
♀ Member
Member # 10036
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, July 18th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How did he deny?

Well after finding everything on the computer - the e-mails from a man & his wife telling him what a great time they had when he was over their house & at the hotel, he insisted he NEVER met these people IRL.

So I asked him, I said, "What, are you trying to tell me that these people are just fantasizing about you"?

AND HE SAID "YES"!!!!!


OH MY GOD! Are you that arrogant? Yes he is.

I think that maybe the dam inside me is about to burst or something. Maybe that's why I started this thread & feel like reaching out about this topic ya know?

Anyway, there's so much more to the story (just like everybody else) that it only comes out a little at a time.

Marlene-
Do you really think he may have learned his lesson?
This is the million dollar question I ask myself & struggle with daily for the past 2 years.


And the flame burned away. But your still spittin' fire.
Make no difference what ya say. You're still a fuckin' liar.

Posts: 262 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: New York
BetsyBG
♀ Member
Member # 13920
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, July 18th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if I'm technically in the dark. I know. But I've only managed to extricate the barest bones from my husband--under extreme duress. I have managed to fill in blanks on my own, and when asked a direct question, there's a 50-50 chance I'll get something other than a blanket denial--but nothing approaching full disclosure.

I'm not sure what he is worried full disclosure will cause.


BW-49
STBX-49
together 33 years, married 24
most recent D-day 5/26/10
separated 12/5/10
financially-motivated UN-separation to come mid-January, 2011
trying to R, or at least happily coexist

Posts: 4436 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Chicago-ish
capri
♀ Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, July 18th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ragingpain, that's the question for me, too: has he really learned his lesson?

I feel that if he never comes clean, he'll eventually take a deep, cleansing breath, and say... MAN! I think she finally bought my story... hey... I got away with it!

Lies he's told: Here's the one that made my sister burst into full-blown laughter:

They traded one of those forwards where you answer questions about each other. Question number whatever was: "What's the first thing you thought when you met me?" He answered, "She's cute." And his explanation to me was that he "meant cute like a ladybug" and had NO CLUE a 23 year old who sleeps with all the married men could possibly take it any other way!

Another personal favorite is that he was on medication for a year, as a result of being exposed to a disease at work. One day (the day I believe he broke up with ow3 for good), he came home and told me two directly opposing, mutually exclusive stories about why he was over an hour late getting home. He later explained that he 'didn't know' why he told two different stories, and then settled on the medication making him do it! GOOD GRIEF!!!


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
Sandygirl
♀ Member
Member # 10943
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, July 18th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sucks being in the dark I have never found the whole truth which makes me crazy and unable to trust him almost a year and a half later. I have questions about what he did with a girl he suppossedly "videotaped" and then destroyed the video because he didn't want me to see it. He swears up and down that he has never stuck his di#k into anyone, which I find hard to believe. It wasn't until I made up a story about talking to this escort (I found her number on the cell phone bill, but she never answered the phone) that he admitted to videotaping her.

He also never apologized. He still claims to this day he has done nothing wrong. I know he was still chatting up until I found webcam #2 and threw it into our canal. I have a feeling he frequents masage parlours but again no proof and he won't admit to anything.

so at this point I'm in limbo and in the dark figuring out if we're in R or he wants to keep stringing me along.

I pray everyday that God will show me solid proof.


WS:42 H
BS:37 Me
My boys:5,4
D-day: My sons birthday 4/06 hired a girl to video tape, found tons of chat messages with different girls, know of one girl that he was in contact with
Dday #2 5/31/07 2nd webcam found
? 7/1/07
7/25/07 3rd webcam

Posts: 72 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Florida
Aphrodite07
♀ Member
Member # 15329
Default  Posted: 5:02 AM, July 19th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS admitted to the A only because i had tape recorded him having sex with her in MY car...up till then he denied all. After that I thought i had gotten full disclosure...he answered all my questions

5 months later I found out the truth about their relationship on her web page...she had been writting to her friends all about their relationship for the past year...

When confronted my WS denied it all...said she was making the whole thing up and that she was crazy, that she was young and pathetic and was trying to impress her friends by building this fantasy relationship with my H....OMG how full of himself he is

he denied everything she said....the funny thing was...none of the information he told me in the "full disclosure" when I first found seemed to be mentioned by her. It was as if his version never happened. I know he was lying and I haven't got the full story....but she moved to australia and I just wanted for us to move on so I let him think I believed his lies.

A year later and I'm still in the same place...left wondering what really happened


WS: 29
ME: 25
DDay 1: 22/06/06
DDay 2: 19/07/07

Just found out our R has been a big lie - trying to find the strength to leave

Love is not blind - it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less. (Rabbi Julius Gordon)


Posts: 199 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Ireland
Aphrodite07
♀ Member
Member # 15329
Default  Posted: 5:04 AM, July 19th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That was my first ever post


WS: 29
ME: 25
DDay 1: 22/06/06
DDay 2: 19/07/07

Just found out our R has been a big lie - trying to find the strength to leave

Love is not blind - it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less. (Rabbi Julius Gordon)


Posts: 199 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Ireland
ragingpain
♀ Member
Member # 10036
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, July 19th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine also SWORE he never stuck his d#ck in anyone.
I'm not a fool. I've been playing this infidelity game since I was 16.

I know what I saw & I didn't go down to 100 lbs. because it was all in my head & nothing was going on.

Is it possible he's really sorry about it all but still just can't admit he did anything wrong? I remember about a year after D-day he got pissed cuz he knew I had been searching through his pc.
So there he is bitching about it & I just said, in a quiet voice "You don't wanna tell me anything that went on. Fine. But you can at least be an open book to me now."
This was after I left a copy of Joseph's Letter on my desktop & *I Think* he may have read it.
He stopped changing his Verizon password & he doesn't say anything when I search his pc anymore.
He even told me when that b#tch we used to work with that he had something going on with, e-mailed him.

What the hell makes it ok in his head to make me live with this elephant in the room?

Doesn't he realize I can NEVER trust himagain until he comes clean & we do the work required for true R?
Cuz right now I'm just waiting for it to happen again.


And the flame burned away. But your still spittin' fire.
Make no difference what ya say. You're still a fuckin' liar.

Posts: 262 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: New York
Aphrodite07
♀ Member
Member # 15329
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, July 19th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Raging....i'm the same as u...waiting for it to happen again....cause he's lied and hasn't given full disclosure it makes me doubt he really is truely remorseful or just biding his time till everything is calm again and he thinks its safe to do it again without me finding out


WS: 29
ME: 25
DDay 1: 22/06/06
DDay 2: 19/07/07

Just found out our R has been a big lie - trying to find the strength to leave

Love is not blind - it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less. (Rabbi Julius Gordon)


Posts: 199 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Ireland
Marlene1
Member
Member # 15332
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, July 19th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Raging Pain,

The reason that I would say he regrets it is because he doesn't change his passwords, and is an "open book" to you. My husband still has everything password protected, , takes his wallet with him in the shower, and locks the door. And, then he wonders why I am suspicous and blames me when I say I don't trust him???


Posts: 1343 | Registered: Jul 2007
ragingpain
♀ Member
Member # 10036
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, July 19th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Marlene

You're still in the very bad place.
I'm sorry he's still treating you like this.
It ain't right.

You're right, at least he's treating me better. If he was still doing those things I'd have lost it by now.

Aphrodite07-

I know how you feel. My H thinks he's such a stud, every woman should have a taste of him.
So is it only a matter of time? When he gets bored or lonely or just cocky & full of himself? Who knows.


And the flame burned away. But your still spittin' fire.
Make no difference what ya say. You're still a fuckin' liar.

Posts: 262 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: New York
NoControl
♀ Member
Member # 14961
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, July 19th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't mean to OVER-post, but wanted to say I'm no longer completely in the dark. Got letter from OW telling me point blank they did have sex. It's only one of possibly MANY (dozens) but the first one to admit PA. At least now I know I'm not completely off my rocker. It hurts so much, but so does the not knowing- as you all know so well.
I'll leave your thread now and wish you all the best as I am now DQ'd from the "still in the dark" part.


"I Became Insane With Long Intervals of Horrible Sanity" -E.A. Poe

Posts: 483 | Registered: Jun 2007
ragingpain
♀ Member
Member # 10036
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, July 19th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NoControl-

Are you certain the OW is telling the truth?


And the flame burned away. But your still spittin' fire.
Make no difference what ya say. You're still a fuckin' liar.

Posts: 262 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: New York
NoControl
♀ Member
Member # 14961
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, July 19th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I believe with all my heart she is. She has nothing to gain telling me this. I emailed her (and all on his email contacts) asking for information on June 1. He has been incommunicado since we separated, adn I was doing NC so it was fine. A couple weeks ago he's calling, etc...now I get this thing from her confirming the sex ( ) and letting me know she finally dumped him a couple weeks ago. Hmmm...the timing's too ON. I do belive her.
It sucks to know and it sucks NOT to know.
But at least I KNOW I'm not crazy, I can trust myself and my intuition. And I Can't trust his sorry ass.


"I Became Insane With Long Intervals of Horrible Sanity" -E.A. Poe

Posts: 483 | Registered: Jun 2007
ragingpain
♀ Member
Member # 10036
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, July 19th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But at least I KNOW I'm not crazy, I can trust myself and my intuition. And I Can't trust his sorry ass.

Word Sister.

I went through something similar where I contacted one of his "swinger friends" & she confirmed things for me too.

I believe her because she had nothing to gain by telling me, she was due to wed her swinger boyfriend very soon & she had not spoken to my H for a year at that point.

So I know how you feel. But it's him that's keeping you in the dark (or trying to).

[This message edited by ragingpain at 2:24 PM, July 19th (Thursday)]


And the flame burned away. But your still spittin' fire.
Make no difference what ya say. You're still a fuckin' liar.

Posts: 262 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: New York
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