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User Topic: Pregnant/New Parents Support
Virgofire
♀ New Member
Member # 14432
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, July 10th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((No Control))
I know I need to find my worth. It is so difficult to think that I don't matter after everything we have been through. But I suppose that is true for all of us here.

Do you ever wish they (the WSO) would have some flashing moment that they realize what they did and come crawling back? I know this happens for some. I wonder what their relationships had that mine doesn't.

I am having a particularly rough time tonight because my WH is mad at me and decided to not come home tonight. He decided to stay at a hotel by work. If I knew which one I would go up there without a hesitation. But I guess I am not suppose to.

Self worth is a tough value to determine. I know I don't want to hurt but I love my WH so much that I want him even knowing that this may be something I have to learn to accept. Sick huh! I don't know how to explain it... He really means the world to me. But I guess I don't to him. That is were the sadness kicks in.


VirgoFire
DDay 5/18/2007
Me 37
WH 30
Together 3 years ... Married 10 months.
baby on the way... 3 children previous marriage.. 16, 15, 12.. all love and adore WH.

Posts: 31 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Washington
emany
Member
Member # 10953
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, July 10th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry that I haven't been able to keep up on this thread... I had my baby early and he's very sick. He's been in the NICU for 5 days now and no end in sight. He's having a lot of respiratory issues and he's being tested each day for blood levels because they are concerned that he has a blood clotting disorder. Right now they are tracking his numbers and they've been going down (which is good) but not very quickly.

He also is jaundiced (which is minor in comparison to his other issues) so he's also on phototherapy.

He was born full term, but he's just a very sick little boy. Fortunately my husband has been amazing through this. We're going to the hospital 3 times a day to be with our new son, but it's hard. We can't hold him much because of all the monitoring and just looking at him hooked up to everything makes me cry all the time.

I'd so appreciate your kind thoughts in his direction.


Me (BS) 25
FWH 27
expecting baby #2
R is going well.

Posts: 112 | Registered: Jun 2006
Crossbow
♂ Member
Member # 15224
Default  Posted: 1:50 AM, July 11th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Emany, thoughts and prayers are with you. I'm so sorry you are going through this, but glad your H is being there for you.

You folks are the greatest. I sure appreciate the votes of confidence. D-Day was not quite a week ago, so I'm still struggling quite a bit, and sometimes I feel like things will never be "right" again.

I do love my wife more than anything, though, and she's really turned things around (as far as I can tell - it's still hard to trust too much).

Little Man has been an angel from the moment he was born, and he is still the sweetest thing I've ever seen. I hate for us to be putting him through this, but am glad he is small enough that he won't remember. We try to keep our A conversations to when he is in bed, of course, but still.


DDay 7/4/07 found out about online/sexting EA with OM
DDay 7/25/07 found out about OW
In R

2 DSs, ages 8 and 6
DD, 1


Posts: 9376 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Utah
Virgofire
♀ New Member
Member # 14432
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, July 11th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((CrossBow))
I am so happy for you. I really hope your WW continues to communicate and understand your needs.

It really is awesome that you two are doing so well.

And bless that little man of yours. What a wonderful joy to have him during the tough times.


VirgoFire
DDay 5/18/2007
Me 37
WH 30
Together 3 years ... Married 10 months.
baby on the way... 3 children previous marriage.. 16, 15, 12.. all love and adore WH.

Posts: 31 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Washington
Crossbow
♂ Member
Member # 15224
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, July 11th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I keep saying this, I know, but I just don't understand these men who don't take an interest in their children. I really don't. I hope they see the light soon and realize what utter asses they have been.

Like I told my WW, whatever issues we may have had in our marriage, our son had nothing to do with them. He played absolutely NO role in what's going on, and he deserves so much more than what he's gotten - a mommy who was ignoring him because her family was getting in the way of her busy internet life (and PHONE, my God, the hours she was spending on the phone with OM are staggering), and now a daddy who is devastated and broken hearted. The MC says we will all be okay, but I still hate all of it.


DDay 7/4/07 found out about online/sexting EA with OM
DDay 7/25/07 found out about OW
In R

2 DSs, ages 8 and 6
DD, 1


Posts: 9376 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Utah
NoControl
♀ Member
Member # 14961
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, July 11th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((emany))) Sending you & yours prayers and well wishes. Be strong and positive.
D-Day was not quite a week ago, so I'm still struggling quite a bit, and sometimes I feel like things will never be "right" again
(((Crossbow))) it's been such a short time since you discovered this & so much has happened in that week...don't rush to recovery! It will take time to feel normal again and to trust your WW again. You are both doing beautifully, though, and you should be proud of the progress you've made. Just breathe, feel, and try to be grateful for the little things. And, of course, if you get sad, angry, or whatever...feel that too. Take it all in and make sure your recovery is a solid and lasting one. I have such high hopes for your M and your successful R!

(((Virgofire))) You remind me of me. I completely understand this:

Self worth is a tough value to determine. I know I don't want to hurt but I love my WH so much that I want him even knowing that this may be something I have to learn to accept....(and this)....Do you ever wish they (the WSO) would have some flashing moment that they realize what they did and come crawling back? I know this happens for some. I wonder what their relationships had that mine doesn't.

Oh, I wish I could be there with you to talk this over...but there are some basic truths here that we both must face. I'm not just saying this for you; it's for myself also.
1. Yes, self worth is difficult to determine. Especially when we've been involved in relationships where the person who was supposed to love us devalues us. That's called abuse. Self worth erodes from abuse, so right now our "worth" thermometers are way off. BUT why do we let someone ELSE determine our worth at all? This should come from inside us. It is difficult to do, and so for now we reach out for help with that, but, virgo, we're letting men who clearly can't see/don't KNOW our worth tell us we lack worth in the first place! This is ass backwards! We have got to *show* them that we are worth more than we are getting. And if they can't give us the simple human decency of truth, caring, or an explanation, then clearly *they* are broken, NOT US. Now I realize this leaves us with a mess to clean up...but perhaps the longer we let this go the bigger the mess. Certainly the more years we will have wasted and the longer it will take us to pick up the pieces and reform a functioning human being. Maybe by confronting this head on and saying - "I deserve more from you" - they will realize what they are doing. If they don't, certainly we'll start to remember what it was like to feel like we were worth something. Maybe we'll start re-earning our self respect and te-trusting ourselves. We are the only ones who can do this for ourselves, virgo. It's painful and hard, but necessary if we are to take our power back. If you think I'm off, tell me! This is a 2-way conversation (or more, if anyone else wants to join in! ) and I want to know how *you* feel and what *you* think!
2. Yes, I wish (sometimes desperately) that WH would have a lightbulb moment and realize how much he's hurting the one person who would have loved him no matter what. The one person who would have (and did!) give everything to help and comfort him. The one person who gladly would have grown old with him and even changed his diapers when he got that old. I loved this man through and through, and I believed it was forever.
So...what was *my* relationship missing that others have???
A responsive spouse! Mine doesn't give a shit about me or how I feel. And as unfortunate as it is right now, (((Virgo)))because hun you cearly deserve better- your WH's actions are also screaming louder than anything he could say that he doesn't care what you think right now either! Staying at a hotel near work...man code for f**k you! I don't care *how* hard this is on you- what I NEED comes first! I'm sorry to be so blunt, but he's screaming it without saying it.
Again, tell me if you have another viewpoint. This is YOUR life and your situation. Maybe there's an explation...either way I am here. And I DO care.


"I Became Insane With Long Intervals of Horrible Sanity" -E.A. Poe

Posts: 483 | Registered: Jun 2007
NoControl
♀ Member
Member # 14961
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, July 15th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have I killed this thread? Is anyone still there???


"I Became Insane With Long Intervals of Horrible Sanity" -E.A. Poe

Posts: 483 | Registered: Jun 2007
Crossbow
♂ Member
Member # 15224
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, July 16th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm still checking in - don't want to force my perspective on anyone else.

Had a 2nd DDay on 7/15 when the REST of the story of WW online EA came out. Turns out they were cyber-sexing like crazy, even while we were AT MY PARENTS' HOUSE on vacation! Yuck, how disgusting is that?

Starting R over again *sigh* and it's going well. She has truly been remorseful from DDay #1, but was scared to tell me about the sex for fear of losing me. I told her the lies and deceit are worse.

She said that now that all the skeletons are out of the closet, she can actually breathe deeply again, she felt like she couldn't breathe all during the A and after, until now.

She has definitely been doing everything she's supposed to and then some. I truly believe she is a good woman who made a horrible (3-week long) mistake.

For us and for our little son, I keep believing we can make this work. I still love her so much.

Hope you and your young ones are all well.


DDay 7/4/07 found out about online/sexting EA with OM
DDay 7/25/07 found out about OW
In R

2 DSs, ages 8 and 6
DD, 1


Posts: 9376 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Utah
NoControl
♀ Member
Member # 14961
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, July 17th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It does my heart good to hear of a truly remorseful WW who loves her family and is trying so hard. It makes me happy for you Crossbow! You guys are doing so great!


"I Became Insane With Long Intervals of Horrible Sanity" -E.A. Poe

Posts: 483 | Registered: Jun 2007
Crossbow
♂ Member
Member # 15224
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, July 17th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No Control, thank you for your words of encouragement. I just feel so rotten a lot of the time, that it can be hard to realize that we're actually doing well.

She does care desperately about having a healthy and intact family, as both her parents were/are crazy (literally) and her mom had affairs on her dad and deserted the family when FWW was only 4 years old. So she has a major investment in rebuilding our family. She also claims to be desperately in love with me, which can be hard for me to believe since she had the A.

A lot of the time I *think* we can work everything through, but sometimes I really feel hopeless about it all.


DDay 7/4/07 found out about online/sexting EA with OM
DDay 7/25/07 found out about OW
In R

2 DSs, ages 8 and 6
DD, 1


Posts: 9376 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Utah
NoControl
♀ Member
Member # 14961
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, July 18th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Crossbow)))
Have you read "NOT Just Friends" by Shirley Glass? I think it may be a big help to you both. I'm only about halfway done myself, but it talks alot about how to communicate to get your marriage back on track. It seems you both have the will, but might need a little help as far as finding the way? It's not easy- I know I wasn't taught how to deal with anything like this- or what healthy boundaries to set, etc. It might help you. I got it at my local library, FYI.
I wish I had more experience or wisdom, but I am happy to listen.
I am sure it must be extremely hard to rebuild trust after the shock you've had. I think you're doing great.


"I Became Insane With Long Intervals of Horrible Sanity" -E.A. Poe

Posts: 483 | Registered: Jun 2007
momofthree2007
♀ Member
Member # 14766
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, July 18th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had my twins on the day of my scheduled c-section, the funny thing is that I went into labor the night before. Since I was so far dilated when I got to the hospital, the nurse and the OB were suggesting I deliver vaginally since they were both head down. I agreed and went ahead and did it that way. They had me deliver at the OR just in case complications occur. My first baby was born vaginally but my second flipped to breech position in the last minute so he had to come out by c-section. They were both born very healthy in spite of the stress I've been through during the last half of my pregnancy. I was in the hospital for 3 days. Recovery has been painful and at first I wasn't able to bond how I wished since getting out of bed or sitting up was painful but I'm starting to heal now and it hurts a little less. My H has been helping out and my MIL is in town for a few weeks. I can see myself reconciling with my H soon but last night he made the mistake of bringing up the past and that got me back on the emotional rollercoaster again. Today we had to make a deal to not talk about this again. I am doing better than I thought I would. When my daughter was born I was sad that my body didn't look the way it did before I was pregnant but this time I chose not to obsess over that since that's one of the things that was starting to hurt my marriage.


H - XWH (32) RSA
D-Day 1, OW1: 3/20/07
D-Day 2. OW2: 6/24/07
Divorced, 08/23/2012
Married 7 years, together 9
One day fling each; online As turned physical physical

Posts: 491 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Florida
NoControl
♀ Member
Member # 14961
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, July 18th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Mom))) sounds like you've been thru it. but it also sounds like you're coming thru it quite well.
Of course you're going to be self-conscious of your body- you've just had twins! Either WH is going to love you or he's not. Your body is going to have nothing to do with it. But if it does have changes or marks, then you can remind him that those are the trophies given to you by your babies (and his).


"I Became Insane With Long Intervals of Horrible Sanity" -E.A. Poe

Posts: 483 | Registered: Jun 2007
Crossbow
♂ Member
Member # 15224
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, July 21st (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, I now feel like I officially belong here. Our 2nd son, Rowan, was born today, July 21, at 11:58 a.m. He was 5 lbs 10 oz, and 17 inches long - just a wee little guy!

Things getting better with us, I think. She's been really upset that I stopped wearing my wedding band, and suggested that she get me a new one, to symbolize a new beginning for our M - a titanium band, indestructible. And she is starting IC in a week (she has been anxious to go, just waiting for the referral from our MC).

Off to the hospital nursery again, to see our tiny little beautiful boy. :)


DDay 7/4/07 found out about online/sexting EA with OM
DDay 7/25/07 found out about OW
In R

2 DSs, ages 8 and 6
DD, 1


Posts: 9376 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Utah
momofthree2007
♀ Member
Member # 14766
Default  Posted: 4:55 AM, July 22nd (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

no control, H always thought I was beautiful but I didn't feel that way and it hurt him, among other issues going on in his life. He's been wonderful lately and that's another reason I'm chosing not to obsess over my body and my weight anymore even though I am eating more healthy now.


H - XWH (32) RSA
D-Day 1, OW1: 3/20/07
D-Day 2. OW2: 6/24/07
Divorced, 08/23/2012
Married 7 years, together 9
One day fling each; online As turned physical physical

Posts: 491 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Florida
NoControl
♀ Member
Member # 14961
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, July 22nd (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crossbow, congrats! How exciting, all the way around. You are doing so well in the R & now a beautiful son! Sounds like things are looking up!

(((Momofthree))) I'm so glad things are going well for you also. That's great news.
Now if I could just start eating healthier and like my body...

Best of luck to you; I think it's great things are going well.


"I Became Insane With Long Intervals of Horrible Sanity" -E.A. Poe

Posts: 483 | Registered: Jun 2007
17yearsrocked
♀ Member
Member # 14174
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, July 24th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congrats on the new babes.

I am getting pretty close now scheduled C on Aug 2 but contracting like crazy so I might not make it that long.

Getting pretty antsy about ppd I had it last time and that's when life was much more stable. My H is taking paternity leave to help me through so that's good not money wise but good to have the help. I am just hoping I don't spiral down. Getting better about accepting this baby too not feeling as disconnected as I was H asks me not alot but how I am feeling my honest answer is I am not sure so hoping once I see it will feel better.


Me (BS) 34
Him (FWS) 37 (Fallensaynte)
Together 17 years married 15
DDay 24/03/07
Children D15, S14, S2, Newborn baby girl

Posts: 803 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Canada
momofthree2007
♀ Member
Member # 14766
Sad  Posted: 9:15 AM, July 28th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just when things seemed to be settling down, H brings up the past again. Every time he's frustrated or stressed he brings up the past. Now he reminds me of how I stopped making him feel like he was the best thing in my life. I do regret not telling him that as often as I used to and now it hurts me so much more. I wish I could say that now but I can't look at him the same way I used to. I've been looking back at our past and I keep realizing how tainted this relationship has been even before he cheated. I come from a dysfunctional family and since in the past I've been judged based on them, I wasn't completely honest to him about them when he was completely honest with me about his family. His family is the kind of family I wish I had, my MIL is like the mother I should've had. I was very ashamed about my family. He's had a hard time trusting me because of that. Then I withdrew myself emotionally during this last pregnancy and things got worse from there. I sought counseling from our pastor 3 days ago and he told me I need to let go of the past and so does he if we want this marriage to work. I'm trying to let go but he's not letting me. When H and I sought counseling from our pastor together, he showed him a lot of "tough love" he has a tendency to do that with everyone who comes to him for being unfaithful. Now he doesn't want to go back to church with me because of him. Our pastor made him feel like there's no hope and now he's lost motivation to try to rebuild our marriage. He's trying but he's not motivated. When I go back to church, I'll be going alone and our friends will ask questions but I don't want to tell them the truth because I don't want to damage his rep there. H told me it doesn't matter to him whether or not I say anything but I just can't tell them. The reason I'm choosing to continue going to our church is because they've been to good to me during both my pregnancies and I can't walk out on them. I'm too grateful. As for our marriage, we've been together for 4 years total, it's hard to give up hope and walk out on that. I don't know what to do. I'm so depressed now that I don't know if I'll ever be any good to our children. I don't think I'm strong enough to raise them alone, that's another reason why I'm afraid to leave him. I don't think I can raise two boys by myself. I don't know about all of you here but it takes a man to teach a boy how to become one. If I leave my H I don't think I'll remarry either. One failed marriage is already one too many for me and I just don;t want to go through the whole dating thing and I realize no matter who I marry, there's always going to be issues with my parents. My SIL has serious issues with my parents as well and she avoids them every chance she can. If anybody here believes in prayer, please pray for me because as you can see, my H is sending me over the edge!

[This message edited by momofthree2007 at 9:54 AM, July 29th (Sunday)]


H - XWH (32) RSA
D-Day 1, OW1: 3/20/07
D-Day 2. OW2: 6/24/07
Divorced, 08/23/2012
Married 7 years, together 9
One day fling each; online As turned physical physical

Posts: 491 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Florida
Crossbow
♂ Member
Member # 15224
Default  Posted: 1:48 AM, August 2nd (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear God, can you believe we had a 3rd D-Day on 7/25? Turns out FWW also was making out with a former housemate (female) we visited on our way home from my parents' house. I am completely disgusted - and had to get truth from that OW, as FWW hasn't been able to come clean about anything at all, unless forced by evidence.

I haven't been able to kiss her since. I just feel sick.

Trying to hold it together, especially for our little boys. New baby is very sweet & snuggly, easy-going, good baby.

Wish my wife were a Good Wife.


DDay 7/4/07 found out about online/sexting EA with OM
DDay 7/25/07 found out about OW
In R

2 DSs, ages 8 and 6
DD, 1


Posts: 9376 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Utah
momofthree2007
♀ Member
Member # 14766
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, August 3rd (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dday3??? I already told my H that if there's a 3rd it would be over. I wasn't going to give him a first or a second chance but seeing that he's willing to change and he's now making the effort to get clea, I've given him a second chance but if he cheats again I'm ending it for sure because that's proof that he won't change. I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through and I'm sorry for your little boys. If your WW isn't willing to change once and for all, you shouldn't have to stay married to her.


H - XWH (32) RSA
D-Day 1, OW1: 3/20/07
D-Day 2. OW2: 6/24/07
Divorced, 08/23/2012
Married 7 years, together 9
One day fling each; online As turned physical physical

Posts: 491 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Florida
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