Like others have posted, I feel terribly because I cannot get excited about this baby and feel that he is somehow "tainted." Part of the reason I found out about A (in addition to very inappropriate texts) was that I tested positive for chlamydia at my OB/GYN during prenatal screenings. I was floored.
I'm so depressed. It's very hard for me to eat or sleep but I force myself for the baby. We also have a 3 yo DD and sometimes I realize I'm being short tempered with her and that makes me feel terrible. I of course apologize and try to explain to her that I still live her very much, that mommy is just having a hard time right now. She seems ok but I have to wonder how much of this will stay with her.
I feel anger and intense sadness whenever I watch WH play with her, read or talk to her. When he talks about the baby or shows pictures of our new baby to people I feel rage. He is so happy to have a son coming, but he can't show his kids' mother any respect. I don't want him to stay with me if he is not serious about R, but I also don't want my kids growing up without their daddy. I'm heartbroken. I feel like a terrible mother for the feelings I have (or lack) for my unborn son and the lack of patience and affection I've been giving to my daughter.
When I was 5 months pregnant, we were out for a drive and somehow ended up arguing and he blurted out that he no longer loved me. Talk about a shocker. For months, our relationship was so uncertain but he assured me he would be there for me and our family. After the baby was born, he started going out to bars a lot. Maybe I just noticed more since I was always stuck at home. But i went through post partum alone, basically raised the baby myself even though we were all living together.
Communications were bare for years, we lived our lives independently, planned for our daughter together, lived together, functioned as a family. We both said we were 80% happy. Not horrible eh? I rebuilt my career, made some good investments, Then a month ago, my DD is now 6, I get the phone call from OW who says they were together for 10 years!
All thru that time when we were conceiving, i gave up my career, etc.. He was porking her on the side. She finally called because " I deserved to know".
Well, that phone call shoulda come in 10 years ago. I would not trade my DD for the world, but if I had gotten that call 10 years ago, i most certainly would have made different choices. My pregnancy was bad enough due to his revelation that he didn't love me, even worse now ... I don't know if we will R or even if I care to try ...
My daughter was 6 months old during FWH's A, I spent the few months after DDay just going through the motions with the most important, amazing little person I had ever met. I think that almost broke my heart and angered me more than the A.
It's so fucking hard to realize that the family we pictured having is gone after the betrayal, but I've learned that if I let go of expectations for how I thought things were supposed to go and just let life unwind, I'm able to be more present and live in the moment.
We go into damage-control mode for a while, but don't mistake that for not wanting or loving your kids. They are going to be special and amazing regardless of your WS. Rest and take care of yourself, and just focus on the small things until the bigger ones start to look somehow manageable.
For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot