But remember that just how this isn't YOUR fault (that your husband cheated), it's not the baby's fault either (not that I think you're thinking that!) -- so try your best to enjoy that part of things -- that you are growing a new life! I know it's hard to enjoy every moment, and that's OK. But no matter what happens between you and your husband, you'll want to have at least SOME moments where you enjoyed this pregnancy and the anticipation of the new baby. So let yourself feel some of that joy.
Also, I know you said they are in the same PhD program, but surely there are ways they can make sure they don't have contact, or at least minimal contact. That would make me very nervous and sick. :(
Take care of yourself!! That's the most important thing right now. Big hugs!
The worst part is that he did it now. When I needed him most and when I was at my most vulnerable. I've felt like he hasn't cared for months and I just thought he was stressed. Nope. He was too obsessed with little miss side piece. I feel like I am just broke. I want to lay in bed and cry and not talk to anyone sometimes and sometimes I want to find him and slap him like crazy and kick him out. I know I have to be calm for the baby but its so, so tough. He ruined this pregnancy and I don't think I'll ever forgive him for that. I can't even imagine how I am going to forgive him. He had SEX with someone else. And a lot of times too. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhh. And I hate that so many other mama's have had to go through this. What kind of man cheats on his pregnant wife. Seriously?
Miraflowers, I can relate so much to you. He has ruined this for us. It should be special and its turning into a nightmare. And we haven't had sex during the pregnancy either. I'm kind of glad now though since god only knows what kind of diseases his slut has. And he uses that I wasn't having sex with him as a reason for cheating. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't but doesn't he know how hurtful it is to be blamed for his cheating?
MandoBando, I'm so sorry. If it means anything I am in the same place. All of my pregnancies have been so tough and there is already so much to be concerned about and his cheating just makes my life even more stressful. I don't want to deal with this. I can't take any happiness that the little guy is almost here and instead have to listen to him apologizing for fucking some young trashy whore. He made cheating part of our lives forever.
[This message edited by BrokenLauren at 1:56 AM, December 3rd (Monday)]
Healing by the day
He is military and has been gone more often than home. The EA began during his last deployment and carried on after they both returned. All through text messages, as far as I know.
Anyway, I gave birth to our son a little early. I went into labor the night I called and spoke to the OW's H. Crazy. I almost had WH banned from the delivery room, but had a change of heart at the last minute.
Now that our son is here, I find myself having a hard time bonding with him. I watch my WH with our son, and I feel resentment and jealousy. Then I'm wracked with guilt for feeling this way. I am disheartened knowing that when I reminisce about my son's birth I will feel the anguish from my WH's betrayal. My WH robbed me of what was supposed to be one of the happiest days in my life.
My WH has yet to admit that he had an EA and has only apologized for lying to me. He is not showing any signs of remorse. He said he's on the fence and is only staying for our son. He's waiting to see if he wants to stay for me. He is blame shifting and says he has 5 yrs worth of resentment towards me that he's not sure he'll be able to forgive. He's manipulative and cruel.
We are going to MC, but he is not committed to me or R. I'm pretty sure we are going to D. I feel guilty for bringing a child into this kind of family situation, not that I had any clue. I'm sad that our son will probably be raised in a split home and I am afraid, deeply afraid, that my WH will instill his lack of morals on our son.
Limbo 1 month
False R 2 months.
Status: Divorce on hold
My H of 15 years decided to leave me and my 2 beautiful teenage girls (ages 14 ad 11) back in Aug 2012. He had been having an A since March 2012 and I found out in April. He stopped the A (NOT!) and was working on our marriage, so I thought, for about 3 months...from May to July and that is when I got pregnant. Now, we were done having kids and I also have a mild from of PCOS so was told I would probably never get pregnant again. This pregnancy was a total surprise! At the time, H claimed that he loved me and not OW and that he was commited to making our marriage work. Lies...
To make this post shorter, I wont go into all the details, but our marraige was great...no signs or warnings of there being issues. H never brought up anything, although he is very depressed and has been since a teenager. I dont know if that is what triggered this...he started drinking out like 2 nights a week and that is where he met OW at a bar. She is 13 years older than he and is single..her kids are grown and she is divorced.
Anyway, I am currently 30 weeks pregnant and have been doing it all on my own since he left. I have been a stay at home mom for 15 years and now will have to go out and work full time and raise my girls and my new baby BOY on my own. H sees my girls once a week (they dont want much to do with him) and he is still living with his parents and involved with OW. Claimes he loves her and that she cares a bout him and we didnt. Its been a big mess. My life has fallen apart and Im trying my best to be there for my girls and my unborn baby. H has not come to one appointment or sonogram and has only asked about 4 times this whole pregnancy how Im feeling. He will not be in the delivery room and he is aware of this and seems to be okay with it. He has also been known to tell my kids that its his baby too and that he cannot wait to meet his son. Little does he know, that he will not have a bond with this baby, as he never comes around and when he does pick up my girls, he doesnt even come into the house!!
This man went from the most kind, caring man, who was involved in everything (PTA, Coaching, Youth group leader, school functions, etc) to nothing. He was extremely close to my girls and that has been so hard for them. In fact, this Christmas, he took them for the evening to his parents (who they havent seen in 6 months) and it was a nightmare and he brought them back home at their request. He did NOT see them at all on Christmas Day. He texted me on Christmas Eve and told me he couldnt stop crying..and this is not the first time that he has been crying over this. He takes the girls out to dinner once a week and usually ends up crying to them. I just dont see how he can be so happy with his new life if he is crying and sad??
Anyway, I have 9 weeks left (since I get induced early) and I have done nothing. Starting this week to get the baby's room done...but everything makes me sad since he is not here to enjoy it with me. I dont know where we will be in 2013. I want him to realize what he has lost, but I just dont see any signs that will happen. In fact, we have next to NO contact with each other. Its so sad and I'm so sad. Getting through the pregnancy has been so hard and I have had to do it without going on meds to help since I am pregnant and my doc doesn't recommend meds. I plan on going on something when I deliver, but I do breastfeed.
How can these men leave their wives and families, especially a pregnant wife? Any advice from anyone would be helpful. I do feel bonded with my baby, but I am scared to see what my future holds doing this all alone. I miss my old family and I was so blindsided that I havent been able to get over it and its been 5 months he has been moved out now!
Thanks for reading!
I find it interesting that this happens so much in people's marriages. I'm currently 30 weeks pregnant with my second son, with a 2 year old at home. I work part time from home.
About 3 months ago, I suspected an affair that supposedly was nothing but a really good friendship. In my mind, I new that wasn't the case, but to make my marriage work I accepted that I would never know the truth and move on. He made me feel as if I was the reason. He couldn't open up to me, he couldn't talk to me. He didn't want to check in or spend time with me. He would stay out to 4:00 a.m. and not answer his phone or text messages.
Turns out the whole time he was with another married woman who happened to be one of his best friends wife. He could relate to her, he was in love with her. He was not leaving his kids but me. He loved me as the mother of his children.
But while all this was going on, we got pregnant and switched houses with his mother.
I still don't get why he full out refuses to tell me the truth and lies. It doesn't make any sense to me. It's like he was another person completely. In fact, he has turned into another person with her.
I'm trying to keep a friendship with him so that the kids will have a father in their life, but as another person posted, I'm refusing him in the delivery room and he will never have a connection to this baby like he does with our son.
He will always be the "fun uncle" that comes around but will not be there when the kids are sick or need him. He will only be there on his convenience.
I'm trying to see the positive side in all of this. I'm so tired of trying to be the person he wanted me to be because it never mattered - HE was the issue, not me. I always felt guilty that I wasn't spending as much time with my son - working, taking care of the house, bills, and husband. It's almost a relief that I can move on with my life and have my kids to myself. I can make my own decisions and not have to worry about his thoughts on the matter.
I realized I was NOT happy, but the dream I had of a family was so important to me, I realized that I based my happiness on him not on me. Which in the end was making me miserable. I'm strong and want my boys to respect women and I want to be a mom that they can be proud of.
I want to end the string of men in his family that cheat and hide their emotions in order to put a happy face on and pretend the world is okay.
I want my boys to have a healthy childhood and I will do anything it takes to make that happen if it means not having him in their lives.
Currently, my husband is living with the OW with 2 teenage daughters and another that she doesn't have full custody of. He has left me pregnant at 30 weeks and his 2 year old son and refuses to pay any support to. We have been replaced by this woman and her family.
I know that God has a plan for me. I know that he is telling me I am strong and can do this. I want to be proud of myself,knowing I've done everything I can to salvage this marriage and trying to keep my boys father in their lives. It's hard to see him and not have the reaction to kiss him or hug him or have any emotional connection to him. But I need to do what is best for me.
I just want to end by saying to those in the same situation. Be strong - you don't deserve to be treated badly. Think of the tiny life inside you and give them the chance to live and be happy. They will make you happy. I've become more attuned to this baby and excited for him to be to come into this world. I can't wait to cuddle and hold him. I know my children are enough - whatever life brings I'm prepared for it. I can handle it. I am strong. Remember, God never gives you more than you can handle.
Be happy and know you deserve more. Good luck to all of you.
My DD was Oct. 18th.
I am BW 43 WH is 44. OW is 23.
WH and I plowed through four years of fertility treatments together, and the loss of a set of twins. This year, in mid-June the invitro-transfer worked. We were pregnant!
He started having sex with her in early July or late June. He cannot remember exactly.
He had been EA with her since May.
She was his junior in his office. She adored him, made him the center of her universe. He "really really liked her", she was a "good friend, someone to talk to".
He confessed in October, because she was pregnant, emotionally unstable and freaking out. She forced him to choose - me or her. He chose me.
He told me he planned on telling me the truth after our son was born in 2013 - because he feared what the stress would of done to me and the baby. (Bullshit).
He was pushing OW to move away. He said he tried to end the affair numerous times.
But she would freak out - threaten his work, and to tell me.
She wanted to stay, take on a different job and continue with him. She professed polyamour - wanted to share him with me.
She had come out to our farm where I was on medical bed-rest to tell me numerous times.
He interceded, and had sex with her in multiple locations in our town, and neighborhood. Including our home.
He gave me an assortment of her clothes, as I KNEW HER from work and she was clearing out her closet and thought I would like some of them.
I wore them. We Skyped his parents, broadcasting my baby bump while I wore one of her shirts. He was so happy?
She has instagram, facebook, and twitter calendar photographs of my farm animals, pets.
She has photos of the inside of our camper, the flowers he gave her. His dog.
Of him goofing off in her apartment. Making supper and watching movies.
He took her to near by towns to watch him play hockey with his guy friends.
They camped over night in our community parks.
She has photos of where I go for walks here in our town.
Of the trees above them and across the river as they layed together after sex.
He designed two of her tatoos. I remember him asking me my opinion on his artwork. I helped him.
He told her that he loved her.
He confessed they had sex frequently, that it made him sick to his stomach every time, but he did it anyways. They did it at work, in her car, in our camper, my living room floor. Everywhere.
He told me that she preferred sexual relationships with men who were married or in relationships, as it was easier for her not to get involved. She paid for her tatoo with sex. Her tatoo artist is married with one child. He new this before getting involved with her sexually.
All the doctor appointments he missed or was late for - he was with her. He missed the appointment that confirmed that we were indeed pregnant and healthy, he missed the supper I made in celebration as well.
After DD I agreed to set up an email address that we both have access to to speak with OW about the OC, she even has phoned our home and I have been part of those conversations. I believe the child as innocent a victim in this as I - and hoped she would make a wise decision.
She miscarried in November.
He said he felt he had an obligation to her to speak with her about it. So he phoned her from his office at work. He does not remember details of that conversation, but she sent him a heartfelt message the next day - thanking him for what he said.
I feel as if I have been sent to hell, and am being torn asunder limb by limb in agonizing awareness. Only to be put back together and be torn apart again and again.
I have been hospitalized for trauma, depression, suicide attempt.
How could he do these things? He has no answer for me - he does not know. He says he was not himself. Our MC, said it is not important right now - but I NEED to ASK.
Our unborn now exhibits signs of malformation due to std or torch infection - he infected me less than three weeks after the successful ivf transfer. This baby boy may be blind, deaf, epileptic, or exhibit mental retardation. I am due in late February.
I cannot bring myself to anticipate with joy: this child - and feel like a monster because of it.
WH repeatedly tells me that "he loves me", that he is "sorry", and that he never ever ment to hurt me or our son. He is committed to stay, work on it. Take care of the baby and me regardless of the outcome.
What is the worst part of this whole mess??
I Love this guy.
No matter what you decide to do, you will find support here; and I'm sending you giant hugs! (((Littleleaf)))
There are so many of us in this situation.
It is disheartening.
Was it the hyper-bonding that got you preggo?
I did that too - now I am just disgusted with myself for allowing him into that part of me - filthy.
Thanks for posting...most of the time I am sending my misery out into the void - not really expecting anyone to be out there paying attention...
doctors say after many ultra sound & other tests that baby boy 'looks' healthy and physically perfect..despite infection : there may be deafness and loss of sight...but that I will deal with later..baby can be born naturally (no c-section) and with out being dosed with immunity infusions...
thank god - some good stuff ! finally
thinking and praying of all mommas and little ones on this thread -
My D-Day was August 2012 when I was 8+ months pregnant with DS#2. I have been separated since two days after D-Day and foolishly still miss my ex and want to R with my non-remorseful XWS. DS#2 is almost 5 months now... DS#1 is 8 years old. I have been raising DS#2 alone (WS visits) and DS#1 goes with WS on weekends. It's been really rough.
Together 9 Years. Currently Separated.
I am 30 weeks pregnant with my third. WH moved out in early December, and then I found out about his affair at the end of February (his affair, supposedly, was from Nov to mid Dec). Basically, I've been alone and overwhelmed since about week 12 of this pregnancy. I had a subchorionic hemorrhage and couldn't lift or do basic things like vacuum, take out the trash, etc.. so family and friends took over things that I think he should have been here helping with. Thank goodness for them! After D-Day, I went to the ER for stress, dehydration, exhaustion, etc... and he didn't come or call. That hurt. It's taken a huge toll on my pregnancy, I lost weight (at 30 weeks, I'm finally up 3 lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight, which my doctor is not thrilled with since I was thin to begin with, but the baby looks very healthy).
Anyway, my long winded way of saying that you guys are not alone in this. It sucks, but we can do it.
"If you're lost and alone, or you're sinking like a stone... carry on..."