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User Topic: Pregnant/New Parents Support
genie1
♀ New Member
Member # 32040
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, May 2nd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Am new to SI. Have posted on just found out forum, but also wanted to post here. Just discovered H has been having OEA for 5 weeks. We have a 11 week old D. Am just devastated: thought we had the perfect marriage. H has been under a lot of stress and was worried about being a father and I was just wondering whether anyone else felt this stress encouraged their H to have A (not that it is any excuse)?

I am so angry that this moment, of being a family, of the joy of watching my little girl, has been stolen from me. I don't know how to get it back. How do you manage to focus on the joy of your baby when your heart is broken?


Posts: 6 | Registered: May 2011 | From: uk
inpain1
♀ Member
Member # 30141
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, May 5th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi guys. I found out about my WH's A 9 weeks after I gave birth to our 3rd child. The EA started when I was about 7 months PG. I feel the birth was tainted also. My WH didn't room with me this time since he had work to get done. I now know he was leaving me at the hospital and calling her. 3 days after we came from the hospital he set up a trip to see her. The baby was 3 weeks old during this trip.

All I can say is let that baby be your light. My baby has keep me going and been my happiness through all this.

And yes, I do believe part of the stresses that lead my WH to cheat was the baby as well as job stresses and family stresses.


Posts: 441 | Registered: Nov 2010
TXMommy
♀ Member
Member # 28857
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, May 11th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess my situation is a little different...
DDay is almost a year ago. However, we've been trying for 3 years for a second child. On April 1st, I FINALLY got a positive pregnancy test! I am THRILLED, but it makes me even MORE worried... with these crazy hormones, etc... I doubt my husband. Sometimes I can't even look at him. And, with our Antiversary coming up... well, it's been hard. I am trying to keep my stress level down, and praying that everything goes smoothly during my pregnancy. I just wish I could be COMPLETELY happy... and that my marriage didn't feel broken. I've wanted to be pregnant for such a long time, and our DD is SO thrilled to be a big sister. I wish I could make the A just go away!


ME - BS - 33
WH - 30
Married 9 years, together 11
2 kids: D8, S2
D-Day: June 10th, 2010
Is it bad that I'm just now able to say I'm in R?

Posts: 549 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: TX
Worth More
♀ Member
Member # 32050
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, May 13th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((TXMommy))) Congrats on your pregnancy! I hope things continue to go wall for you.

I found out about WH's PA when I was 5 months pregnant. It had been going on for 18 months. It took us 14 months and major fertility treatments to get pregnant. So basically all through our trying to conceive time and through the first 5 months of this pregnancy he was screwing someone else. I now feel like he has robbed me of this pregnancy. I am not at all connected to the baby kicking inside of me. I don't want to talk names. I cannot picture bringing a baby into this mess of a marriage.

genie1- I am asking myself the same question....How can I focus on the joy of this pregnancy and baby when my heart and soul are shattered?


Me- BW
Him- WH
D day #2 is the deal breaker

Posts: 69 | Registered: May 2011
Mamato3
♀ Member
Member # 29624
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, May 19th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi! I've been on the boards since September, but only did my first post today. This is just my second post!

I found out about my husband's EA in September 2010. He admitted to a 2-year-long PA on January 31, 2011 . . . and after a hellish week of deciding to work on things, on February 5, we found out we were expecting our fourth child.

This baby is a complete shock, but we really feel she's a true blessing. God really timed things so that we were able to at least commit to trying to work on our marriage before we found out about the baby.

It's been hard, but we're working on things. I'm now 20 weeks prego with our second daughter.

Through counseling, my DH was also told he is a sex addict, so he's working a 12-step program through SA, and I'm getting support through S-Anon. We're very grateful for these programs and our MC.

I'm already feeling anxious about this baby's arrival since WH began the PA only six weeks after our last child was born. I know that baby girl's arrival is going to be a big trigger for me, but I'm trying to take it one day at a time.

It's kind of amazing to know that there are other women in my same shoes -- pregnant with a WS. In a weird way it's nice to know that y'all can relate!

I hope for the best for all of us.


Me - BW - 38
Him - FWH (and SA) - 39
2DDs (8&1), 2DSs (6&3)
1st D-day: 09.13.10 (admitted to EA)
2nd D-day: 01.31.11 (admitted to PA; almost two years with CW)
3rd D-day: 02.01.11 (admitted to more)
Working our SA/SAnon program

Posts: 64 | Registered: Sep 2010
Worth More
♀ Member
Member # 32050
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, May 22nd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Mamato3))
I hope the birth of your daughter isn't too much of a trigger.

Are any of you having trouble connecting to your pregnancy? I feel very disconnected to the life inside of me. I don't have any interest in setting up the crib or getting out any of our baby gear. I don't want to talk names. Almost like I am not believing this is really happening. UGH!


Me- BW
Him- WH
D day #2 is the deal breaker

Posts: 69 | Registered: May 2011
Mamato3
♀ Member
Member # 29624
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, May 24th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WorthMore- Thank you! I actually feel like I'm strangely connected to the pregnancy -- I've been going through my oldest DD's baby clothes, organizing my youngest DS's room to start getting ready to move him into his brother's room (to make room for the baby in the nursery), etc. BUT . . . I'm having a tough time feeling connected to the baby herself.

It feels so surreal to be pregnant. I often forget honestly! Her little kicks remind me and help.

I sometimes just can't believe that I'm in this situation. It's painful and ridiculous and still hopeful at the same time. And still . . . I feel like this baby isn't a tangible thing yet.

My BFF assures me that I'll feel connected once baby girl arrives. (She had a surprise pregnancy with her last little one, but no affair/SA issues!) I think that will end up being the case, but I feel guilty that I'm having trouble now.

This is so hard in so many ways. And having a baby on top of dealing with the reveal of an affair and discovering that DH is an SA . . . it's mindblowing, really.

I think we're dealing with everything the best way we can. If we tried to think of everything at the same time, we'd go mad. Hugs to you!


Me - BW - 38
Him - FWH (and SA) - 39
2DDs (8&1), 2DSs (6&3)
1st D-day: 09.13.10 (admitted to EA)
2nd D-day: 01.31.11 (admitted to PA; almost two years with CW)
3rd D-day: 02.01.11 (admitted to more)
Working our SA/SAnon program

Posts: 64 | Registered: Sep 2010
stretch13
♀ Member
Member # 26894
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, May 24th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

reading your posts brings up, brings back so many feelings. i'm starting to recover my losses as a new mother and am so grateful for the resiliency of my little one.

you can read my profile if you want to see the gore, but the end result is that my DD has a half-sister 8 months younger. i've posted on the OC thread since dday, but never really stumbled into this one.

i'm starting (just barely) to recover some "good memories" and feelings from my pregnancy and DDs first months/year. it's been hard...i was afraid i would think of my pregnancy as tainted and a trigger forever, but i think it's starting to fade. the good memories and feelings are starting to outshadow the pain. thank God.

i wanted to offer you all some hugs and hope and let you know how deeply i understand your special grief and pain. i still thank God (not XH!) that i didn't find out while pregnant or until DD was 10months and i was mostly recovered and stable. i intercepted a COMPLETELY revealing text just days before delivery...but it was just so unbelievable that the "she meant to send this to her loser boyfriend who knocked her up and won't take care of her" thing made perfect sense...i was suspicious and upset but not prepared to understand or believe what was happening. i wanted to accept his explanation, and he wasn't one anyone suspected of fooling around on me. he was so in lurrrrve with me.

take care of yourselves...know that kids bring their own memories with them, they tend to slowly eclipse all of the bad...sometimes very slowly, but they do.

((((everyone))))


http://www.facebook.com/hardheadpress
http://www.amazon.com/Eli-Ely-Ezekiel-Tyrus/dp/0986042900/

http://hardheadpress.com/

life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac


Posts: 3929 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: east coast
DragnHeart
♀ Member
Member # 32122
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, May 24th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While i was in the hospital and our D was in the NICU my H was msg'ing his EA flame. Having a 3lb full term baby after the most dreadful pregnancy ever was beyond stressful for both of us. But instead of being there for me and letting me be there for him, my H went to her.

Pregnancy #2 wasnt as bad but again had the same signs there would be trouble like the first. I went into labour, went to the hospital then everything stopped. Doc said i could stay or go home and see if it started up again. I wanted to go home and my H said he knew why i didnt want to stay. He said i thought he'd go be with someone else and yes i thought he would repeat what he did the first time. We went home.

A few days later i saw my doc who ummmm tried to get things going since i was now late and did schedule a c-section in two days. That night i went into full blown labour but had complications and was rushed into surgery. This time however there was no NICU, we had a healthy 4lb baby boy.

I knew my H was having at least an EA with OW#2 (discovered PA later) but having my son with me in my room, being able to hold him.....i didnt so much care at that moment.

I still wonder if it was the stress of my H affairs that added to the complications i had during my pregnancies.


Posts: 2760 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Canada
stretch13
♀ Member
Member # 26894
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, May 24th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I still wonder if it was the stress of my H affairs that added to the complications i had during my pregnancies.

we know it didn't help. oh dragnheart, i ache reading your post. ((((((dragnheart)))))


http://www.facebook.com/hardheadpress
http://www.amazon.com/Eli-Ely-Ezekiel-Tyrus/dp/0986042900/

http://hardheadpress.com/

life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac


Posts: 3929 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: east coast
momtobdestroyed
♀ Member
Member # 32004
Default  Posted: 2:53 AM, May 26th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I admit at DD i did wish i could terminate ( was too far along) and felt trapped by this second baby. I was furious, she was made during affairs, and i felt she was tainted with OW DNA. That lasted one week. Then i realized this baby saved my life. I am forced to eat, to get up and drink water, go to the doctor and not hurt myself as i am the protector of this little soul. I feel like though this pregnancy is not how i would have liked at all, i am going to focus on MY baby girl inside me, and how strong we both are. I have a 3yr old D as well, who is so excited about this baby about to come. FWH is excited but i dont let him touch my belly to feel her kick or talk about names. I decided on my own, she is mine and since FWH makes shit decisions i chose her name without asking his opinion. I do worry that all the saddness and anger transfers to this little soul and she will be born already tortured. This is the hardest time of my life but i have to believe its all happening right now for a reason.


me BS 33yrs old, one 3.5yr old
him WS 33yrs old
affair of 4 years
married 5.5yrs
DD March19/2011

Posts: 304 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: canada
betrayedmomof3
♀ Member
Member # 32093
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, May 26th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by betrayedmomof3 at 9:57 PM, August 19th (Friday)]


Together 12 yrs, married 6
Dday from Hell 2/6/11
3 kids under 5
I would do anything to have my family in one piece but I know its shattered...

Posts: 108 | Registered: May 2011 | From: betrayedmomof3
phoenix34
♀ New Member
Member # 32007
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, June 28th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, I've been posting on the forum for a while, only just really found this section and have also posted on the ONS thread.
I see there haven't been posts on here for a while but if any new parents/pregnant people want to talk I'm around.
D Day for me was Nov 10, got pregnant in Jan 11 and now have a gorgeous 9 month old. Found pregnancy tough, feel very bitter that I couldn't just feel the kind of joy and excitement others pregnant with their first child talk about. However, my daughter is an absolute blessing and has brought so much love and hope back into our lives.
Having said that, does anybody else wonder whether when you get upset about your partner's infidelity you are really just hormonal, sleep deprived, coping with all the changes to your life being a new parent throws at you? I've been feeling really depressed today, just wanted to curl up in bed and cry and was thinking about the infidelity all day. But I did wonder, is this sadness really due to that? The same for the kind of changes your body goes through - they would knock your confidence anyway I think? Am I feeling rubbish about myself because I actually look older and more tired these days, or because my husband cheated on me?

Just thought I'd open up these questions in case anyone else wants to talk about them.


Starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel now!

Posts: 50 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: UK
Mamato3
♀ Member
Member # 29624
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, June 30th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{Phoenix34}}} Big hugs to you!

You bring up a lot of good points. For me, sleep deprivation and hormones certainly make me trigger more easily. My WH started his PA just six weeks after our third child was born, so I'm very worried about what it's going to be like when this surprise baby (our fourth) arrives in early October.

I had post-partum depression with my second child, but didn't ask for help with that until I was late into my pregnancy with our third child. Ironically, the anti-depressant I went on two weeks before his birth made me feel good. I didn't feel depressed, didn't get the baby blues, etc.

In a way, this helps me realize that my WH's affair truly had nothing to do with me. But unfortunately, the timing of it makes me really, really stressed out about this baby's arrival. But I'm also prepared to face things (should he act out) and feel stronger for knowing things now. And WH is working on a 12-step program for sex addicts, so things are going very well for us, thankfully.

I agree though that there are so many factors with pregnancy and post-partum that make it that much harder to deal with infidelity. As women, we go through so much hormonally and physically. We're incredibly strong, aren't we?!!


Me - BW - 38
Him - FWH (and SA) - 39
2DDs (8&1), 2DSs (6&3)
1st D-day: 09.13.10 (admitted to EA)
2nd D-day: 01.31.11 (admitted to PA; almost two years with CW)
3rd D-day: 02.01.11 (admitted to more)
Working our SA/SAnon program

Posts: 64 | Registered: Sep 2010
phoenix34
♀ New Member
Member # 32007
Default  Posted: 4:09 AM, July 1st (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We ARE strong and that's a brilliant way of turning the situation around and feeling good about it! I also felt stressed about after the baby was born as I was concerned the pressure may cause him to do something stupid again. I even wanted a homebirth so that I wouldn't have to spend the night in hospital away from him! Nothing wrong with homebirths but that is NOT a good reason to have one! Anyway, I was going to say, have you spoken to him about your concerns? maybe you could both take some pro-active steps to try and prevent problems before they crop up?
Glad you coped with your post-natal depression. You probably already know all this but... My sister had it after her first, then her husband left her shortly after her second. He later came back and they did some research into male post-natal depression and discovered it is quite common for the man to get PND after the female has experience it. Maybe something like that was going on with your WH?

Well done for getting through it, sounds like you had a tough time.


Starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel now!

Posts: 50 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: UK
momtobdestroyed
♀ Member
Member # 32004
Default  Posted: 2:25 AM, July 5th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All, so i am getting close now- 4 weeks til due date! I am excited and sad due to the A all at the same time. I worry that my baby will be born with saddness in her heart and i feel so guilty that her first sounds of me ( 5 months preggo they really begin listening) were sounds of me crying and sobbing. I try very hard not to cry and i do well at it, but i worry about what effect all this stress and saddness has had on her....anyone else worry about this?


me BS 33yrs old, one 3.5yr old
him WS 33yrs old
affair of 4 years
married 5.5yrs
DD March19/2011

Posts: 304 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: canada
Mamato3
♀ Member
Member # 29624
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, July 5th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

phoenix34: That's a great point about my hubby possibly having post-natal depression as well. I just shared an article with him recently about how the symptoms of depression can be quite different for men and women. It seems like he probably was depressed after our last baby and during his horrible work environment (during the PA). It'll be something we're both looking for after the new baby's arrival for sure.

{{{{Momtob}}}}} Big hugs to you! How exciting that baby is arriving soon! I can only imagine that I'll have similar worries as my due date approaches. I just keep clinging to the idea that this baby is a blessing and she is going to bring a lot of joy to our family (um, along with sleep deprivation!). You're so strong to go through all that you've gone through -- just remember that strength when baby arrives. Let yourself enjoy her! And she probably had no idea as to WHAT she was hearing when you were sobbing; she only heard your voice and that it was YOU, her mommy!


Me - BW - 38
Him - FWH (and SA) - 39
2DDs (8&1), 2DSs (6&3)
1st D-day: 09.13.10 (admitted to EA)
2nd D-day: 01.31.11 (admitted to PA; almost two years with CW)
3rd D-day: 02.01.11 (admitted to more)
Working our SA/SAnon program

Posts: 64 | Registered: Sep 2010
Myheartstillhurt
♀ Member
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, July 6th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Something WH said...

First, I was 5 weeks post partum with our 4th daughter when I found out about the A.

The OW and him came in the room together to visit me once I was out of recovery (had a c-section)

OW was my BFF for 28yrs (from 2-30)

I told WH how tainted the pregnancy and the whole experience of having her was now. I had my tubes tied, he allowed me to do this even though he was carrying on another LTA with my BFF.

Anyway, he said to me "its not the baby's fault, the experience you and I had having her was real and it was special. Those emotions were not faked, and OW must have hated us having that experience together"

He is probably right, and I think he was honest. This last baby has become by far the closest he has been with (as he had to take over the majority of care for at least 6 months post dday)

I am just now rebonding with her and she is 14 months old. I regret pushing her away, but at the time, I couldn't function (didn't even want to live) so there was no way I was taking care of a newborn.


BS(me) 32
fWH 36 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2009 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
Mamato3
♀ Member
Member # 29624
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, July 6th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{{MyHeart}}}} Big, big hugs!

Your WH is/was right about the baby, and I get that too. But I can't even imagine how hard it was to learn of the PA that soon after having the baby. All of the horrific emotions of dealing with infidelity, plus the hormones, sleep deprivation, and other crap that goes along with having a newborn (and other kids to care for). You are a strong, incredible woman, and how wonderful that you're now able to bond with your daughter. She's at a great age to really know and feel your love. It's great that you've managed to get to that point where you're able to bond with her like that.


Me - BW - 38
Him - FWH (and SA) - 39
2DDs (8&1), 2DSs (6&3)
1st D-day: 09.13.10 (admitted to EA)
2nd D-day: 01.31.11 (admitted to PA; almost two years with CW)
3rd D-day: 02.01.11 (admitted to more)
Working our SA/SAnon program

Posts: 64 | Registered: Sep 2010
Myheartstillhurt
♀ Member
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, July 6th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your WH is/was right about the baby, and I get that too. But I can't even imagine how hard it was to learn of the PA that soon after having the baby. All of the horrific emotions of dealing with infidelity, plus the hormones, sleep deprivation, and other crap that goes along with having a newborn (and other kids to care for). You are a strong, incredible woman, and how wonderful that you're now able to bond with your daughter. She's at a great age to really know and feel your love. It's great that you've managed to get to that point where you're able to bond with her like that.

Mam: Thanks a lot for all of that. I feel very often like I have failed her because I didn't really bond with her following dday. For 2 full days after dday I didn't even touch her or hold her... nothing.. Something inside me made me sick that I had this beautiful perfect baby with a man capable of doing this to me.

On top of it, my tubal was medically necessary as they discovered I had a hole in my heart and mitral valve regurgitation following an H1n1 infection.. Three times I could have died to such illnesses in that pregnancy, yet BFF and WH continued to see one another.

I often think how much she thought about my death. How it would be perfect for her. How she would take over my life, raise my children, and everyone would think she was such a stand up person for stepping up and helping WH.

Anyway, just a ramble there. I didn't die, and I WON. She got nothing she wanted other than a few years of being used up to be thrown away the second I found out. She really thought he would leave for her. She was devestated, and then I added a couple of jabs by outing her to her boss, all her friends, her parents (who she lives with cause she has never done anything with her life), and pretty much everyone that would listen that would hate her for it.

I doubt she is unhappy though, last I heard she had moved onto another married man. SO sick.


BS(me) 32
fWH 36 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2009 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
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