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Newest Member: Depressed4ever (43230)

I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Pregnant/New Parents Support
Holeinmysoul
♀ New Member
Member # 23132
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, March 10th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, there are a lot of us aren't there?

I always thought that a man cheating on his pregnant wife was the lowest low thing any man could do.

Now that I know that my WH is one of those men, it's like my brain can't accept it. I have them compartmentalized, they couldn't possibly be the same person.
Wow, I just realized I said "them" I have "them" compartmentalized.

I'm 1.5 years out from D day & wonder when I'm going to finally hit the floor, feels like I"ve been falling forever.

I too feel the "tainted" feeling regarding my baby (now almost 2). It's the worst thing about all of this.

We too ttc for a very long time, I wanted this baby sooooo badly. I wanted to share that experience with him so much.
My other 2 pregnancies weren't "great" either. I thought now that I had this wonderful amazing guy, my last pregnancy could be my best. But he stole that from me.
How do we get over the tainted pregnancy/baby feeling?


Me:BS
WH porn/sex addict/EAs/Cyber sex/Affairs/Phone sex/compulsive/pathological liar.
He started SAA 3.15.09
Married 4 years, together 7.5
Kids:from my previous marriage 17& 9, 2 yr old from this marriage.
Riding the roller coaster

Posts: 36 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: FL
hopingwaiting
♀ Member
Member # 23575
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, April 19th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone else out there in the month of April?

I am almost 30 weeks preggo and my WH has moved out about 3 weeks ago--I made him because he couldn't "decide" between me and her so I told him it was a decision. We aren't doing anything legal at this point or talking about D.

Pretty much, he is with her every day (he has left 80% of his stuff here at the house) and is trying to help out at the house about once I week. I am doin my best to 180 and not be here when he comes. I do need to see him for our hospital tour and birthing classes. If only I had a crystal ball...what will happen????


BW (Me)-34,
our 1st baby born 7/6/09
WH-34
EA turned PA 8/08-present
D-Day#1 (1/1/09) false R,
D-Day #2 (3/17/09)said he couldn't stop contacting her; told him to move out
married 3.5 years; together 5
status-WH filed for D 6/14/10

Posts: 615 | Registered: Apr 2009
survivor78
♀ Member
Member # 23703
Default  Posted: 12:14 AM, May 2nd (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I, too have the "tainted" feeling. My WH cheated on me when I was 7 months pregnant. He had also had 2 EAs for years that I only recently became aware of.

It does something to you...being cheated on when you are most vulnerable and most committed to someone--we tried for almost a year to get pregnant. He even had the gall to insinuate that was my fault.

He's f*cked up. Sometimes the sadness and misery of it gets me down. We're in MC, but we have a really long way to go. I want a family and more children, but you know how it feels once it happens once...will it happen again?


In the process of D.

Posts: 466 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Kentucky/Ohio
Tash26
♀ Member
Member # 23319
Default  Posted: 6:21 AM, May 18th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been 10 months since D Day... My H had a 3-4 month A when I was 7 months Preg... Our beautiful daughter is almost 11 months old now.. I hate to admit that as much as I love my daughter, I still sometimes wish she wasn't born, so I could get on with my life, and I could leave my FWH... I stayed with him because I wanted my daughter to have a chance at a normal life with both her parents...
I hate him for doing this to me and our baby girl... and i hate myself for the way I feel about my baby at times...
I must admit that I don't think about the A all the time now, like I used to when I first found out...
But our babys is turning 1 soon, and these feeling of anger and hurt are still so strong at times... I just want to wake up- just for 1 day and not think about what happened... I feel like my life is ruined and nothing that happens in the future can make it better...


BS : me (29yrs)
WS : him (29 yrs)
D-Day : 28th July 2008 (5 weeks after our daughter was born!!! )
Married : 5 yrs
I don't know if I want this marriage anymore...

Posts: 57 | Registered: Mar 2009
hopingwaiting
♀ Member
Member # 23575
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, May 18th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crap, T26, (sorry, I can't make myself say your whole username b/c it is a trigger)
this is my fear if my WH wants to reconcile... I also want my son to have a chance at a "normal life" with both parents but if I wasn't pregnant, I bet I would have just moved out over the weekend, found an apartment and signed the D papers within a week!

But have you been through MC? IC? They say it can take 2-5 years to recover from this...

I have a question--did you go through Post Partum D? And if so, do you think the A made it worse? I am worried about that....I am taking 50 mg of zoloft but who knows if that is enough.


BW (Me)-34,
our 1st baby born 7/6/09
WH-34
EA turned PA 8/08-present
D-Day#1 (1/1/09) false R,
D-Day #2 (3/17/09)said he couldn't stop contacting her; told him to move out
married 3.5 years; together 5
status-WH filed for D 6/14/10

Posts: 615 | Registered: Apr 2009
Tash26
♀ Member
Member # 23319
Default  Posted: 12:04 AM, May 19th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((( Hopingwaiting))
I know what you mean, I still keep thinking if only I didn't have this child, I would have kicked him out and filed for D immidiately...
No i haven't been to IC/MC... in this part of the world councelling is not very common and it's hard to find good councellors...
I was in shock more than depression when I found out, and I just went into some sort of autopilot mode, just taking care of my baby... I couldn't eat and this caused my baby too to lose a bit of weight, because I was exclusively breastfeeding, and I had to start supplementing her feeds with formula... I hate him for that too, because I feel like I missed out on the bonding with my baby, and now all the beautiful memories of her birt are tainted...
I hope you find some peace Hopingwaiting and that you will get through the rest of your pregnancy and the birth of your baby without any problems...
It does get better, and what doesn't kill us will only make us stronger... God bless you...


BS : me (29yrs)
WS : him (29 yrs)
D-Day : 28th July 2008 (5 weeks after our daughter was born!!! )
Married : 5 yrs
I don't know if I want this marriage anymore...

Posts: 57 | Registered: Mar 2009
Wonder Woman
♀ Member
Member # 21831
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, May 22nd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My third is about to turn 7 months old and WH has been enmeshed in an EA for who knows how long. At least since before I gave birth and I do not believe it has been physical, but I can't say for sure.

I'm kind of embarrassed to admit that I have not confronted him on it yet. I know that I would not have been able to handle it as I have suffered PPD after each of my kids; I feel like I have barely been able to keep hanging on as it is.

I feel like he ruined my time with my newborn; instead of being able to focus on my new baby and bonding with him, I was thinking about him and OW, stressing about what was going on. It's not fair and I am still really, really angry with him about that.

Now that babe is 7 months I am ready to confront. I am planning on talking to him this weekend, but am a bit unsure as my sister will be in town. But the next weekend is my birthday and it is always something, isn't it? Wish me luck!


Back again. . .
Me: BS 32
Him: WS 36 (suspected SA)
Married 7 years, together 8 years
3 kids: 7, 4, 2

Posts: 182 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: CA
hopingwaiting
♀ Member
Member # 23575
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, May 22nd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wonder Woman (love your username! She was my favorite superhero growing up!)

I had no clue about the A on DDay #1 but started having doubts about R a couple of weeks before DDay #2. I just wasn't ready to confront until I was brave enough to learn what I would find. Does that make sense? Also, I wanted proof because he kept denying, and minimizing my feelings when I told him that something wasn't right and when I asked him q's about no contact with her...

So I am telling you this because I think you will know when you are ready to confront. I also suggest you have an idea as to what you want from him specifically. To cut off contact, change email, phone number, what?

By the way...Dday #2 was 2 days before my b-day but when you're ready to face combat, you're ready.
Keep us posted! I am sooo sorry you have to go through this!


BW (Me)-34,
our 1st baby born 7/6/09
WH-34
EA turned PA 8/08-present
D-Day#1 (1/1/09) false R,
D-Day #2 (3/17/09)said he couldn't stop contacting her; told him to move out
married 3.5 years; together 5
status-WH filed for D 6/14/10

Posts: 615 | Registered: Apr 2009
hopingwaiting
♀ Member
Member # 23575
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, May 22nd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

T26, I am so worried that I won't be able to bond as well with my baby b/c of him and what he is doing!!!

People keep telling me to focus on my baby and not think about WH. Easier said than done...especially when my baby boy will have 50% his genes, and we created him out of love, and I never imagined being a "single" mother and we will have to share this child for the rest of our lives.

I'm sorry you missed out on the newborn bonding.How can people be this cruel to cheat and hurt the ones they love? I am sure you are making up for the bonding now.

Are you and your WH trying to R? Is he living with you?


BW (Me)-34,
our 1st baby born 7/6/09
WH-34
EA turned PA 8/08-present
D-Day#1 (1/1/09) false R,
D-Day #2 (3/17/09)said he couldn't stop contacting her; told him to move out
married 3.5 years; together 5
status-WH filed for D 6/14/10

Posts: 615 | Registered: Apr 2009
Wonder Woman
♀ Member
Member # 21831
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, May 22nd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks hopingwaiting; I keep waiting for the right time to confront and I guess part of me thinks I *should* do it now, not necessarily that I am ready to do it. I am not 100% sure what outcome I want; I want NC with her, but what I'm scared of is what if that does not happen? I'm a SAHM now, homeschooling my oldest, and that will all change if we separate. I really don't want to have to put my baby in daycare; I want to be with him all the time, dammit. This was not part of the deal.

Anyway, that is likely what is holding me back. Imagining all the what-ifs and "if he does/says this, then. . ." Sigh.

So are you planning on having him at the birth or not? And have you considered a doula at all? One owuld really help support you during labor/birth.

Gotta go, WH is coming out here!


Back again. . .
Me: BS 32
Him: WS 36 (suspected SA)
Married 7 years, together 8 years
3 kids: 7, 4, 2

Posts: 182 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: CA
Wonder Woman
♀ Member
Member # 21831
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, May 22nd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, he fell asleep on the couch, so I have time to finish.

T26~ I'm so sorry you had trouble bonding and breastfeeding due to the stress of the A. NOT your fault! I had a hard time after the birth, not bonding with my bundle, but did feel robbed of that sweet babymoon I didn't get. I was too worried about WH and didn't get to fully enjoy the newborn stage. I am still very angry with him about that; it is time I will never get back and this is likely my last child.

Well, I really do need to go now. I will be back after the long weekend unless I'm able to sneak on here at some point while WH is home. ((((hugs)))) to all here.


Back again. . .
Me: BS 32
Him: WS 36 (suspected SA)
Married 7 years, together 8 years
3 kids: 7, 4, 2

Posts: 182 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: CA
hopingwaiting
♀ Member
Member # 23575
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, May 23rd (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, Wonder Woman,
I am not getting a doula. I do want my WH there. My mom will be there too which will be a little weird but WH is the one who f'd up, so he can deal with her.

Why do you have to give up being a SAHM if you separate? Won't he still be required to pay for both households? How likely is it that he will want to leave his family for OW?

However, making WH move out is not the only option here.
You could read the 180 and do what it says while still living with him. You could request MC with him and talk about things there. You could start to meet his emotional needs (see marriagebuilders.com for free questionnaires and info about this).


Now, in my case for DDay #1, my WH almost immediately chose to me and to end contact with her. He swore it was an EA at the time. I didn't learn about the PA aspect until I inspected our Visa bill a couple of months later but never told him that I knew.

My requests for DDAY #1 was to stop emailing, calling, going to lunch, buying her coffee drinks, get rid of anything she ever gave him, delete songs from his ipod that he got from her, change his work schedule, go to MC with me. He agreed to do all of that but it only lasted a week (I didn't know until Dday #2, all I knew was he wasn't "coming around" and it seemed suspicious since once they end contact, the feelings for the OP are supposed to fade)

Do you have adequate proof that it is an EA? text messages? phone records? emails?

Good luck and please try to enjoy your weekend with your sister! (((wonder woman))))


BW (Me)-34,
our 1st baby born 7/6/09
WH-34
EA turned PA 8/08-present
D-Day#1 (1/1/09) false R,
D-Day #2 (3/17/09)said he couldn't stop contacting her; told him to move out
married 3.5 years; together 5
status-WH filed for D 6/14/10

Posts: 615 | Registered: Apr 2009
Tash26
♀ Member
Member # 23319
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, May 24th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi WonderWoman,
I'm so sorry that you're in this situation, but I do admire your strength to wait until you were ready to confornt your WH. I just totally fell apart when I found out, and asked him immidiately. I guess I was hoping it was all just a bad dream and that he would tell me something/anything to make it all go away. But the reality is that he hurt me so badly and I feel like something inside of me died that morning and things will never be the same. Things are better 10 months down the line now, but I still want my old life back.
My WH and I are in R now, and I must say that things are better now, I don't cry at the drop of a hat. Planning my little angels first B'day, and the trigger are back strong, but I guess that's normal at least for the 1st year.


BS : me (29yrs)
WS : him (29 yrs)
D-Day : 28th July 2008 (5 weeks after our daughter was born!!! )
Married : 5 yrs
I don't know if I want this marriage anymore...

Posts: 57 | Registered: Mar 2009
hopingwaiting
♀ Member
Member # 23575
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, June 3rd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

anyone out there? feeling scared and hopeless about the future. 27 days till due date.


BW (Me)-34,
our 1st baby born 7/6/09
WH-34
EA turned PA 8/08-present
D-Day#1 (1/1/09) false R,
D-Day #2 (3/17/09)said he couldn't stop contacting her; told him to move out
married 3.5 years; together 5
status-WH filed for D 6/14/10

Posts: 615 | Registered: Apr 2009
alonemom
♀ Member
Member # 19803
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, June 3rd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How are you doing hoping?


Me BGF 38 --1D 12
Him WBF 32 -- 1D 10 ,1 S 13
1 D together, born Oct 2008
Together 6 years
DDay 1..couldn't tell ya...too much trickle truth. I just know it was sometime in July 2008.
DDay2 August 12 2008
HAPPILY Rd AND GETTING MARRIED

Posts: 241 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: somewhere more familiar
Hopeful09
♀ New Member
Member # 24248
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, June 3rd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow! I'm really not alone here in this unfortunate situation! It's good to see others in the same boat. I'm glad we can help each other get through all this.

It's funny. I once had a very pregnant client (I work in a spa as an esthetician). She was telling me about her husband cheating on her at the time. I couldn't believe he would have the gall to do that to her at that time. I said I don't think my husband could ever do that to me. She said that he most definitely could. I was rather put off by her comment, but she was right. He most definitely did cheat on me and my pregnancy did not stop him.

We are expecting our second daughter next month and I just found out that he strayed back to the OW...again. He tried his best to hide it from me so as not to hurt me. But, my intuition is too strong and I had to look into it and confront him. I can't stand being suspicious and not knowing the truth. Sure enough, despite telling me how much he loves me and how he's thrilled to have children together, his actions speak louder than words. I said that if he strayed again, we would be over. I meant it. Now, I'm awaiting this child and figuring out the whole separation/divorce thing as we go along. I hate that he put me in this situation, but know I will emerge stronger from it someday.

All of your comments about not feeling connected to your babies ring so true. I've been too busy dealing with the more stressful aspects in my life. I hate that I haven't been able to concentrate on this beautiful little girl growing inside me. I hope that this stressful pregnancy doesn't harm her too much. I hope I can bond with her as I want and not be too overwhelmed with the split between me and her daddy.

I never saw myself as a single mom, but here I go! Sigh... Yep, I'm scared. But, I know this is the right decision and life will improve with time.


Me- BW (31)
Him- WH (32)
M- 11 years
Dday 7-12-08 (tried to reconcile),
then again 5-28-09 (time to end it)
Kids- D is 2, another D due 7-20-09

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jun 2009
hopingwaiting
♀ Member
Member # 23575
Default  Posted: 11:40 PM, June 5th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, Hopeful09, your attitude is inspiring. I keep feeling so sad about being a single mom whose son will not get to experience life with both parents under same roof. A repeat experience of mine and my WH's life! I just don't know what will happend after WH moves out after the 2 weeks he will be staying once the baby is born. My mom can stay during the day, but for some reason I am scared to think I will be alone at night (not scared of burglars, just scared of being overwhelmed and ALONE)


BW (Me)-34,
our 1st baby born 7/6/09
WH-34
EA turned PA 8/08-present
D-Day#1 (1/1/09) false R,
D-Day #2 (3/17/09)said he couldn't stop contacting her; told him to move out
married 3.5 years; together 5
status-WH filed for D 6/14/10

Posts: 615 | Registered: Apr 2009
Hopeful09
♀ New Member
Member # 24248
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, June 11th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hopingwaiting,

I'm scared of being overwhelmed and alone at night, too. We'll get through it though. Also, like you, I never wanted my kids to have parents under different roofs. Both my H & I had divorced parents as well.

However, its better to have separate, happy parents than miserable parents forcing themselves to stay in the same house. Another thing that is extremely important is to remain friendly with your ex. Most people don't do this and its understandable. I'm not you and I don't know if this is something that can work for you or not. But, my parents remained friends the whole time after their divorce. They loved each other but didn't work well as a couple. My dad forgave my mom's infidelity and moved on with his life, while seeing my sister and I as much as possible. Plus, they never badmouthed each other...ever! That was so important! I'm extremely grateful that my parents handled it so well and I plan to do the same.

My husbands parents, on the other hand, were down right nasty. They put their kids in the middle of their squabbles and never had a kind word for the other. This affected my husband greatly, for the worse. It's devastating. His parents are finally friendly again, only after we granted them their first grand kid. It's amazing how healing a baby can be! Anyway, I hope you can at least remain civil with your ex, for your kid's sake. It makes a HUGE difference!

I hope this helps a bit. We'll get through this!


Me- BW (31)
Him- WH (32)
M- 11 years
Dday 7-12-08 (tried to reconcile),
then again 5-28-09 (time to end it)
Kids- D is 2, another D due 7-20-09

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jun 2009
hopingwaiting
♀ Member
Member # 23575
Default  Posted: 1:23 AM, June 14th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Hopeful. I guess it sounds dumb to say I never wanted my son to have divorced parent. Who does?

My parents had a nasty divorce and put the kids in the middle so I am determined not to do that. I am staying friendly with my H for the sake of our child, even while he is still in his affair.

I will be ready for divorce if having our child does not wake him up out of the fog. Until then, I am hoping and waiting....


BW (Me)-34,
our 1st baby born 7/6/09
WH-34
EA turned PA 8/08-present
D-Day#1 (1/1/09) false R,
D-Day #2 (3/17/09)said he couldn't stop contacting her; told him to move out
married 3.5 years; together 5
status-WH filed for D 6/14/10

Posts: 615 | Registered: Apr 2009
butifuldisaster
♀ Member
Member # 24089
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, June 18th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

first time being pregnant. for both me and my X. has been hard, i found out a week after i told him to lose my number. he was having EAs our entire year of a relationship. no proof any went physical. you can read my story. but i posted a question on general that i was told to bring here. so i will. just wanting to get advice from people in the same boat.... (i'm only about 19 or 20 weeks along)

so as you know my ex asked me on a date last wednesday. and we had a great week together. it was alot of fun, and helped lift my spirits a bit. but yesterday i began thinking. i've gotten some good advice on here and think i need to follow it. my X has finally admitted to having a problem and possibly being depressed. his first C appt is friday. he said he'll show me proof he went, cause he knows his word is still sh!t, actions are what i want.
yesterday he went to meet with the company renting out his house. and was there for 5 hours! (they've done nothing but screw him from day one. but he didn't read the contract in full, so alot of it they can do. he's not so bright, thinks he is though. see what i'm working with?) anyways, the owner had cancelled the appt, without calling him, then someone else took and hour to show up and talk with him, but they couldn't find his file, exc exc. this has happened a few times. i went once, and decided i wouldn't go back with him again. couldn't deal with the stupidity. he's talked to a lawyer and the company has 30 days to get their act together before he takes them to court. so he was a little stressed. i told him relax and don't think about it. we didn't see each other yesterday because of that and that gave me time to think.

this man is severaly broken and damaged. and though he's at the beginning of recovering there will be slip ups. ups and downs and a horrible emotional roller coaster. he has more issues than i can imagine and has a horrible way of coping with them. and breaking through to them..... his family and life has all been about image. just a perfect lie of an image of who you are. so getting past that exterior to the person underneath i think will be his biggest challenge. and unfortunately i think his family and friends will hinder his progress. but hopefully he will overcome it. he's been transparent, and as open about everything as i've wanted. but even with him giving me all this, i don't get onto his accts, check his phone, exc. just because i'm not in a mindset of R, so therefore i don't care.

i refuse to consider R for 11 months, by then my hormones from the pregnancy should be back to normal, and if thats what i want to do at that time i will, if not well i'll continue like i am today. i've told my X that i no longer want to hang out like we were. i don't want to give him the wrong impression. such as
1) we are going to R and he's got 11 months to prove he's doing work (that's not the case at all)
2) that i'm gonna be his crutch through this whole experience.

He's got to make these changes for himself. at this point i'm single and staying that way. more important things to do then date. now if he does work on himself and do all the things he's been saying and have started doing and i decide (no sooner than 11 months) that i'm willing to R then i will. if he chooses within his course of self discovery that he doesn't want me, thats fine with me too.

but i've decided no longer hanging out like we did last week, don't wana send mixed signals, or get in a bad position myself. i'm glad he's taken the first step, and just hope he continues for his own sake. he wants to stay a support system for me during the pregnancy at the very least.... we'll see.

good decision? or am i losing my mind??? i can't tell anymore

[This message edited by butifuldisaster at 4:02 PM, June 18th (Thursday)]


nothing is ever truly impossible

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