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User Topic: Sexual Difficulties While In A Relationship
clickgo
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Member # 14748
Default  Posted: 6:24 AM, May 27th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Strider,

H said he feels "uncomfortable" getting physical w/ me at this point. He feels comfortable kissing me good night and good morning. Will occassionally give me a hug but most times I'll initiate the physical contact now.
It's frustrating b/c we were always affectionate before the affair. He's still going through withdrawal and his emotional attachment to OW. It's almost as if he doesn't want to be unfaithful to her. Like if he enjoys sex w/ me again, i'd be him letting go of her. Maybe that's not what he's feeling but that what my mind wants me to think.
I asked him to articulate what he's feeling and he said that he's still trying to feel that connection w/ me. That it's starting to come back more. But I guess he's still not feeling the connection w/ me enough to want to have sex.

[This message edited by clickgo at 6:27 AM, May 27th (Sunday)]


BS (me) 35
WH 42
D-Day 4/17/07
Separated 6/2/07
d-day # 2 7/2/07 NC was never established
3/17/08-Lawyer just called and said it's official DIVORCED

Posts: 185 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NY
Queeny4082
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Member # 5903
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, May 27th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy - My H also tends to be more passive. I do most of the "arranging" and I tend to be on top most of the time.

Moveon - Your issue with the oral has also been a problem for us. I used to give every single time and he NEVER did. So, I don't do it as often now, but I'm not going to stop completely.

I had another talk with my H yesterday. It lasted for TWO hours. He says he feels like he failed me for the first years of our marriage (the affairs) and he's terrified of failing me again. So, if we don't have sex w/i a few days of the last time, he starts to feel enormous pressure that he's failing me again and just draws up in his shell. He's really trying to work with me on this. He initiated last night. So we'll see. I also bought a book called "The Gift of Sex" which he has promised to read with me.


FBW- Me, 29 + 1
FWS- H, 33, SA and working hard in recovery

Forgiveness is giving up the HOPE that anything in the past could have been any different.


Posts: 1583 | Registered: Nov 2004
Strider75
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Member # 13596
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, May 27th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWW told me last night she felt i deserved better than what i got. that's part of her problem.

i asked her, ok, so do you think i deserve better than what i'm getting now?

then we went to sleep.


Sometimes I wish there was a way to have do-overs in life.

Posts: 5033 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Atlanta, GA
moveon?
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Member # 10445
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, May 27th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

strider -

don't you just love those converstations?!?! you get them started and they go nowhere or just stop completely...that's why i've stopped bringing it up. He knows how I feel and what I need and it is now my choice to live with what he can give me or not. I would like your opinion, as a guy, on the porn thing...am I making too big of a deal out of that. do "all guys" do that, even if they're happy with their wife/GF?


Age 41, trying my best not to become jaded...

Posts: 347 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: TX
Strider75
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Member # 13596
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, May 27th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yes those conversations are such fun. i'm looking forward to our next one at MC this tuesday. it's gonna be my last MC session for a while anyway. might as well make it memorable.

as far as porn goes...the clocest i have in my house is a few Maxim magazines. i've looked at free stuff on the internet very sparingly, but not much. growing up, my dad would have a small collection of penthouse or playboy magazines. that was it. no movies w/ midgets and what not.

we'd go rent them in college occasionally, but there were no guys in our group that were really turned on by them. we'd get drunk, the play it on the fast forward setting, and take turns making super fast noises, making up dialogue and what not. think drunken mr. science theater 3000 w/ porn. it was definitely more of a bullshitting/joking around thing. btw - when you play those things w/ fast forward, you can really see the women are NOT enjoying themselves.

so in answer to your question, no we are all not obsessed with it. i like maxim magazine better actually. prettier girls and better photography.


Sometimes I wish there was a way to have do-overs in life.

Posts: 5033 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Atlanta, GA
weepy
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Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, May 28th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There's hope. I got some . And not just "sex". We made love yesterday morning. Just like before, started slowly, very slowly. I got what I was looking for, real care, real participation. It didn't "feel" like it was just to "get off" for him, like it has been.

I guess a TMI warning is foolish in this forum, right?

But when I get going ON him, he has a tendency to just bask in it and let me go. I wanted to feel like a PERSON with him. So I reached up and grabbed his hands and put them on my shoulders or made him hold my hand. The whole experience was so much better.

Our MC had told us to touch without expectation of intercourse and that's how it started. Taking that anxiety off the table really helped both of us, I think.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Strider75
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Member # 13596
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, May 28th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

weepy - good for you. hope it continues to build for you.


Sometimes I wish there was a way to have do-overs in life.

Posts: 5033 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Atlanta, GA
weepy
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Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, May 29th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One eye open at all times guys....

You know the more I hear about "they don't deserve us" being an excuse for not being intimate, the angrier I get. I mean did we "deserve" what we got handed? Aren't we dealing with it?

I've just about lost the images when we're intimate. I still get the worries about whether he's completely satisfied. Whether he still gets those urges for the others, whether he's just tolerating what he has now because he doesn't want to be out there alone.

I don't get how he separates that stuff from us. How he doesn't think about it. Why isn't it still the "draw" that it was then? What's he got that will replace that excitement, curiosity, passion, white-hot animal sex?

He equated it early to stopping smoking. Hey, I know people who quit 20 years ago that still die for one after a meal. They don't do it, but doesn't mean they don't WANT to. I worry that he still WANTs to, even if he never does again.

Oh wow, that's my issue with the porn.... He sees what's out there, what's available to him, the girl who can put her ankles behind her head or bend in half or is skinny or has boobs of steel and the rock hard ass. He KNOWS it's there, the porn REMINDS him of what's out there. Then he looks over at 53 yo me and thinks, eh, ok, why not, it's something anyway.

I have to be CONVINCED that he's over that. CONVINCED that he doesn't want that, CONVINCED that he has no fond memories, regrets about what he's missing, CONVINCED he doesn't want to again.

I'm not. Nor do I know how to get there....

[This message edited by weepy at 9:28 AM, May 29th (Tuesday)]


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Strider75
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Member # 13596
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, May 29th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh wow, that's my issue with the porn.... He sees what's out there, what's available to him, the girl who can put her ankles behind her head or bend in half or is skinny or has boobs of steel and the rock hard ass. He KNOWS it's there, the porn REMINDS him of what's out there. Then he looks over at 53 yo me and thinks, eh, ok, why not, it's something anyway.

i never understood this in friends of mine. who cares? the girls in porn all look like dirty skanks to me. i wouldn't want to touch one with a 10-foot pole, much less any actual part of my body.

also, i just liked the thought of sex being a more beautiful thing with a faithful wife of 20 years when i'm at 50 than any roll in the hay with a hardbody. i guess there's something wrong with me 'cause not even my wife felt that way utlimately.


Sometimes I wish there was a way to have do-overs in life.

Posts: 5033 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Atlanta, GA
weepy
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Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, May 29th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our MC keeps harping on the "but it's the 'feelings' that he has with me that make it special". Excuse me while I .


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
weepy
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Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, May 29th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, what do I need him to do?

Go on a crusade to shut down the whorehouses in Philly? Write an editorial to the newspaper detailing the trauma of his wife finding out, the devastation that easy, cheap prostitution has wrought upon his family? Be a lot less tolerant of infidelity or men who lust after other women?

I need him to voice some kind of disgust or recognition of not just what he did but WHO he did. I have to know that a hooker will never be a "problem" for him because of HIM, not because of what he HAS to do now. The OW, well, that was a fluke, an aberrition. I think he has enough sense to nip something like that again.

But the others... they're everywhere.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Strider75
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Member # 13596
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, May 29th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, what do I need him to do?

i think all BS's have that question. i know i do. and i'm finally honing in on my answers. basically, i am, and always have been the husband that FWW deserved to have before the A. i want FWW to be the wife i deserve to have. i deserve better than what i've received from her.


Sometimes I wish there was a way to have do-overs in life.

Posts: 5033 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Atlanta, GA
weepy
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Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, May 29th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG Strider, we're all in that position.

I know I'm more that my POS deserved in a wife. Especially now. It's a double edged sword that he recognizes that because it's both demoralizing to realize you've screwed up something that may never fix AND that you don't have the skill set to fix it even though you want to.

I acted like a POS, therefore I am a POS and POS can't do anything right. Self-fulfilling prophesy. And now he's pissed that I REALLY have something to hang on him if I wanted to. Before the "complaints" were that he never really worked hard or long enough at anything to be able to support his family w/o his wife working. I complained about that. But that was the times, economics, I knew enough to realize that if I wanted at least SOME luxuries, I had to work. I could have done without -- my choice.

Another thing was he didn't help with the kids enough, wasn't involved enough with them. Common complaint for the wife to be stuck with all the "kid" stuff. I could have asked for more -- my bad.

So the stuff I "had" on him was nothing, really. Now I do and he knows it's big, he knows he gave me something I could not have "worked around". There was nothing I could have done, this was ALL him.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Conflicted_Dad
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Member # 12688
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, May 29th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

With apologies for being a late entrant to the thread (due to my lengthy break from SI), I'd just like to say thank you all for your posts. I just read all five pages, and even if there are no easy answers found here, it's nice to feel less alone in dealing with this issue. (Strider ... your situation sounds so similar to mine I wondered whether I was sleep-typing under an assumed name at first.)

About two months after D-day, I was ready to begin recapturing some of the intimacy we'd lost both during and after FWW's affairs, and I told her as much on many occasions since then. It's now been more than ten months since D-day -- and more than a year since the last time we were intimate. She continues to say I don't deserve her ... she's too guilty to have sex ... she's afraid of the emotions it will unleash in both of us.

Well, guess what. Not having sex for a year ... and knowing the last guy my wife slept with is someone else ... unleashed some pretty strong emotions in me. I finally got fed up and leased my own apartment. Only then did she decide she really doesn't want a divorce, but she still hasn't initiated any intimacy, and I've suffered too many humiliating rejections to initiate it myself.

The funny thing is that despite several appealing opportunities, I still haven't had sex outside my marriage. Maybe it's that I retain a tenuous thread of hope for our children's sake that we'll find a way to stay married ... or maybe it's that her affairs and rejections so damaged my confidence that I'm afraid to be intimate with someone else.

Mostly I'm just venting ... but here's my latest thought: I tell my wife I'm going to have sex in the next month. I'd prefer it was with her, but if not, I'll just find someone else. Whaddya think?


Me: BS, 41
Her: WS, 34
DDay: July 18, 2006
Kids: two beautiful boys, aged 2 & 4.
Attempting to reconcile ... some days are better than others.

Posts: 64 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Colorado
weepy
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Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, May 30th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok conflicted, here's how that could go.

"Go ahead, I don't deserve you anyway" or

"Our M is over."

Either way you're not getting what you want. Are you two in MC? Has she had any IC to help with her guilt? And what got to my H last week? A total 180. Showed no interest in him at all, none. Could have been part of the scenery in our house. I voiced it at MC "You're not coming to me? This whole R thing is a waste of time."

I had to learn to deal with the dozens of women in our bed, he has to deal with his guilt.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Strider75
♂ Member
Member # 13596
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, May 30th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

conflicted - don't become a wandering spouse. don't ever do that. it's not worth it.

i dunno if you've tried MC/IC yet, but give it a whirl. especially your WW for IC. the MC that FWW and I have done has really been very helpful for a lot of things, too. my FWW hasn't done any IC yet, but she needs to.

anyway, like i said, don't become a WS. don't degrade yourself like that.


Sometimes I wish there was a way to have do-overs in life.

Posts: 5033 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Atlanta, GA
Conflicted_Dad
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Member # 12688
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, May 30th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, guys. Like I said, mostly I was just venting. Truthfully, while I'd love to see some way to recapture the intimacy in my marriage, I have very little interest in finding it elsewhere ... it's just so damn frustrating.

For what it's worth, we've both been in MC and IC for nearly a year now, but it's had no discernible impact on her disinterest in sex ... or even basic affection. That, combined with her continuing ambivalence about staying married in general, is what led me finally to move out.


Me: BS, 41
Her: WS, 34
DDay: July 18, 2006
Kids: two beautiful boys, aged 2 & 4.
Attempting to reconcile ... some days are better than others.

Posts: 64 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Colorado
weepy
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Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, May 30th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The problem isrestoring intimacy, not just sex. But intimacy is built from shared experiences. Our DD was mugged on her 21st Bday, we went through that together. Our son moving to college, we went through THAT together. Sunday mornings with tea in bed, just holding hands watching the am news. All those things build intimacy, re-establishes those connections.

We had a terrible time just after Dday, even worse that the last couple months. Our MC assigned us Sensate exercises and assigned us favors to do for each other to set up times when we were "forced" to be nice to each other. I guess the thought was to show that we could still be civil and nice to each other through the hate and misery.

If your W after a year of IC is still not able to separate her feelings of disgust about sex between herself and her OP and what she has in a M with you, then she needs a new IC!


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Strider75
♂ Member
Member # 13596
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, May 30th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For those whose spouse will not have sex with them, I wanted to try to work out a plan for how to deal with this. Seems that might be helpful for people having this problem. Something to use for a guide to navigate murky waters. Iím also going to ignore the alternatives of infidelity and open marriage as Iím trying to hone in on how to solve this problem within the boundaries marriage. Sorry about the length, but itís a complicated issue. I donít know how to explain it any better. Iím hoping somebody will chime in with a critique.

Part 1 Ė Is it a spouseís responsibility to have sex with their partner?

After reading lots of books, on this site, going thru 5 months of MC, etcÖIíve seen the following points hammered home over and over:
1) Spouses shouldnít demand anything of each other.

2) This is pretty obvious, but Iíll state it anyway. When we marry, we agree to never have sex with another person besides our spouse again. Itís part of the marriage contract by law, and itís part of our marriage vows.

Itís ok to make requests, tell your spouse how you feel about problems, but itís up to your spouse to WANT to fulfill your requests, and make adjustments to their behaviors to help relieve your problems in the relationship.

Some people might disagree with me on this next point, but thatís ok. I like seeing challenging points of view. Makes us think if we are willing to be open minded enough to consider them. Anyway, I believe spouseís have a responsibility to be there for each other and to meet each otherís needs. No brainer, right? Well, I believe this includes being willing to make themselves available to meet each otherís sexual needs.

The marriage vows preclude a spouse from going outside the marriage to have sexual needs met. The only place we can have them met is with our spouse. When we say ďI doĒ, I believe it is implied that we commit to making ourselves available to our spouses for meeting specific needs that can only be met within the marriage.

Iím going to use the classic case of the husband having a higher sex drive than the wife, but this also works the other way when the wife has the higher sex drive, too. Itís just easier for me to write about with defined positions for the husband and wife.

In the case of sex, I donít think that means a wife has a responsibility to have sex every day and twice on Sunday, she is allowed to say ďnoĒ to any specific time when her husband comes up and wants to have sex, and the husband has a responsibility to realize that he also has to meet his wifeís needs for affection, support, etc. However, I do believe she has a responsibility to say ďyesĒ enough to meet her husbandís reasonable needs. I think this responsibility, while not expressly stated in the marriage vows, is implied by the marriage vows because her husband has no alternative to having his sexual needs met by his wife. By reasonable needs, Iím meaning 2-3 times a week? Exactly how much is up to the couple to decide amongst themselves.

Also, the wife doesnít have to perform sex acts she is uncomfortable with. The husband has to respect his wifeís boundaries in that regard as well. The husband also has to take steps to ensure that his wife enjoys meeting his reasonable sexual needs (preferable based on his wifeís feedback Ė sheís gotta tell Ďem what she needs to enjoy it).

I also believe that if the husband doesnít meet his wifeís needs for affection, support, etc., that then she is justified in not meeting his sexual needs.

So, what happens when a husband does his part in the relationship, and his wife still is not willing to meet his sexual needs? Particularly the case where there is absolutely no sex at all.

According to point number one I made originally, the husband shouldnít demand sex of his wife. However, I wonder do spouses have the right to demand that our spouses meet our basic needs that can only be met within the marriage? If we have no alternative, do we have the right to demand that our spouse live up to their end of the deal?

I guess what Iím asking is this: Are there a select few items that we have a right to demand of our spouses? If so, what are those items? Well, I propose that if we have a right to demand anything at all from our spouses, then it is that we are allowed to demand that our spouses live up to their marriage vows.

So I guess Iím suggesting an exception to point number 1) above. Iím suggesting that we have the right to demand our spouses live up to their marriage vows, and that with regards to sex, that meeting each otherís sexual needs is something that is included in our marriage vows.

Part 2 Ė When a spouse finds themselves in a situation where their spouse refuses to meet their sexual needs Ė how do you deal with it? Whatís the best thing to do?

Obviously, as previously stated, open marriage and infidelity are not considered as options.

What are the options to solve the problem? Are there ways to cope on your own? Cold showers, working out at the gym? Prayer? Sometimes various methods of self-coping work a little, but they donít solve the problem between you and your spouse. Since I want to focus on solving the problem rather than coping with it, Iím ignoring coping for right now.

First, I we have to identify why our spouse doesnít want to have sex. There could be medical/pain issues, etc., but what happens when there is nothing wrong physically? Thatís what I want to focus on. Situations where there is no clear cause that can be treated.

I know that a womanís desire and libido is directly tied to her emotions. So, it follows that to improve her desire for sex with her husband, looking into emotional issues is the place to start when other causes (hormonal, medical, etc.) are ruled out. Communication is key. The wife has to tell the husband what is wrong emotionally for her. Of course, that is obviously easier said than done, otherwise, there wouldnít be so many people having this problem.

So thatís the first item. Husbands, communicate with your wives, find out if there is anything about the relationship that is bothering her. See what you can do to fix your side of the relationship. Be willing to do this with a sincerity of wanting your wife to be happy. That doesnít mean you turn into a doormat, but that you negotiate solutions to problems that both you and your wife find acceptable. MC can be a big help with this.

So what happens when this doesnít work? What happens when one spouse is unable to pinpoint things that are wrong in the relationship? In my specific situation, itís finally hit home with me that there is nothing that I can do or not do differently that is going to improve my wifeís desire for me. I know now that our sex problems are not rooted in relationship problems at this point. FWW even admitted it in our last MC session. They are rooted in unexamined emotional problems in FWWís head. So the next thing I want to deal with is what do people in this situation do next?

Itís my contention that MCíing is not the answer to issues that are rooted totally with one partner. MCíing is meant to improve the dynamics of the relationship, it is not to meant to help a single partner deal with issues that are solely their own issues. Instead, IC is what is needed. The partner with the issues needs IC to help resolve them. They arenít going to be able to do it on their own.

So thatís great, the partner with the issues gets into IC. In the meantime, what does the other partner do? They are still stuck with self-coping. Do they need IC on their own as well? Can that help?

When is enough enough? Especially where a spouse has been unfaithful while simultaneously refusing sex with their spouse. How long should the betrayed spouse stick it out?

Iím going to suggest that the refused spouse should give the IC long enough to at least try to identify the root of the problem for the refusing spouse. Then, see if the therapist can help the refusing spouse deal with their issues and get to a point where the refusing spouse is willing to stop refusing.

So what do you do if IC fails to help? Well, in the case of people dealing with infidelity as well, an unfaithful, refusing spouse for many people I would imagine would get to be a deal breaker. I guess each person has to evaluate that for themselves. Maybe that is one thing IC for the refused spouse could help with, figuring out at what point enough is enough.

So to summarize:

Part 1:
-While most of the time it is not good to demand things of our spouses, we are allowed to demand that our spouses live up to their marriage vows. In fact, we all deserve for our spouses to live up to their marriage vows.
-With regards to sex specifically, making ourselves available to meet our spouseís reasonable sexual needs is part of our marriage vows.
-If a husband fails to meet the meet his wife's other needs, then it is reasonable for her to refuse sex if she chooses to. And vice versa.

Part 2:
-To solve the problem of sexless marriage, first evaluate if there are any medical problems.
-Then try MC to work out relationship problems.
-If that fails, the refusing partner should get IC.
-The refused partner should get IC to help evaluate when enough is enough, if the IC for the refusing partner does not help.
-Thereís not a silver bullet for when/if a refused partner should decide that the lack of sex is a deal breaker. That has to be determined by each individual.

Anyone care to comment on this? Critique it? Challenge any or all parts of it? Iíd sincerely like to hear it.


Sometimes I wish there was a way to have do-overs in life.

Posts: 5033 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Atlanta, GA
weepy
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Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, May 30th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK Strider, you know I'm in the same boat with you. Accused almost of sexual assault by "demanding" my H meet my needs, but I have to tell you, your post triggered the hell outta me.

My H was "refused" sex for 13 weeks after my hysterectomy. Things went south pretty quickly after that -- not because I was refusing him sex, but because I was not able to provide the sex he wanted, when he wanted it, as often as he wanted it.

Yes, it was his "duty" as a husband, according to his marriage vows to honor me, respect me, better or worse, the whole 9 yards. A truly caring husband would have been more patient, understanding, caring, right?

Well, HE saw it as he wasn't "getting any" and left our bed for another's just a few months after the surgery. On the flip side, I waited 7 freaking years for sex to return to our M. He coped with a whole 6 mo. Wow, poor freaking him!

I know you want to be with your wife intimately. I know some of the motivation, having been there myself. I know the rejection, I know the frustration and I know you are just trying to work this out in your head to figure out what to do. Let me tell you, there's nothing more painful than finding out about an affair of your S. But coming in a close second is hearing that they feel coerced, forced, cornered into being intimate with you. They could with "them" but they can't with you. Double whammy.

What are the options? Communicate your needs, not just for sex, but for the intimacy it represents. Ask your wife why, as many times as it takes to get her to answer. "Just don't feel like it" is not an answer. Why? Because she's afraid she won't be able to respond to you the way she did with the OM? That could be a legitimate fear of hers. Or maybe she's afraid you'll react badly, trigger and she doesn't want to cause you pain. Is she on A/Ds? Maybe the drug needs to be adjusted. If she isn't, maybe she belongs on them. What if she asked you to be a little more patient?

Finally, if you can't live without sex and stay faithful to your wife, you need to tell her, give her a chance to change her mind/ways and if she can't, leave.

But even though she didn't give you one moment's thought before hopping into bed with this OM, you need to do that for you.

Now having said that... I know you two have discussed this at MC. Has the MC given you intimacy homework? Has the C said, go home, tonight and do this specific thing? And then do this? And report back to me on the outcome?

Have you investigated more books on re-establishing intimacy? Has she? If this MC isn't getting you anywhere, try another. Go Imago, go to Retrouvaille. Do EVERYTHING you can and beyond. If nothing happens then, you'll find yourself leaving with the knowledge that you put your heart and soul into this, sadder, wiser, but not bitter and angry.

(((strider)))

[This message edited by weepy at 12:35 PM, May 30th (Wednesday)]


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
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