I've always had a "guy" attitude on just about everything, and perhaps I'm in the minority of women, but I don't view sex as a punishment, nor a reward. Of course, I wouldn't sleep with him if were totally pissed at him.
But it seems society in general views sex as something a woman gives and a man gets or takes. I think my H feels this way as well. So sometimes I feel that he thinks putting one over on me, but I don't feel that way...I feel free to say NO and sometimes I do..we have talked about it a little, but I think he doesn't want to say too much for fear of rocking the boat! Also, my sex drive is somewhat higher than his, and it's always been like that. Actually it's always been that way for me with others, as well.
Maybe I'm fucked up, I don't know. Can anyone else relate to this? Perspectives from both genders are welcome.
Too long a sacrifice can make stone of the heart. -William Butler Yeats
she has never really told me what she does like. i've asked and she would just say what we do is fine or something along those lines.
we did have one thing right before d-day, she told me sometimes it would be nice to have the clothes pushed out of the way and just have it done to her hard and fast.
basically, i thikn she was saying she wanted more "lustful" sex sometimes. then she went to bed.
i never got the chance as d-day happened a few days later.
and losing libido after having kids, well, that's not something i hold against her. i know there are hordes of hormonal changes, gigantic life changes of becoming a parent, etc.
i've said all along she doesn't have to put out everyday and be wearing crotchless panties for me all the time. it's ok if she just wants to strip, get to it, and then be done and go to sleep, and not make a major production out of it because she's tired from chasing our son around all day. but some sex is a requirement for me.
she told me sometimes it would be nice to have the clothes pushed out of the way and just have it done to her hard and fast.
Are you guys at a point where you could try this now? Or would that be abad idea?
Better off I sparkle on my own ~ Anna Nalick
dunno, to be honest. i'm more jaded about it all the last few days not sure if i could get it up or not. might need a bit of liquid courage.
we've tried a few times since d-day, FWW was very uncomfortable but agreed to try. she lays there like a slug, turns her head won't look at me, keeps her arms folded in front of her chest, keeps her eyes shut.
she's not willing to consider anything else. and i don't want to do it like that again either.
ya know, laying it all out here like this, i'm really starting to think maybe a trial separation is in order. our state allows for separated but still living in the same house, but sleeping in different rooms. we've got 3 spare bedrooms. one is in the basement, queen sized bed, got it's own bathroom. i slept down there for a while after d-day too. very comfortable.
maybe that would get FWW's attention. i'd still rather our son not be in day care, so FWW wouldn't have to move out and get a job and DS would not have to go into day care that way. she could be my live in babysitter. and i'm not moving out.
[This message edited by Strider75 at 2:42 PM, May 24th (Thursday)]
I don't know how much longer I can take this.
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
FWW was very uncomfortable but agreed to try. she lays there like a slug, turns her head won't look at me, keeps her arms folded in front of her chest, keeps her eyes shut.
Does your counselor know this? This sounds like a major red flag for something happening in her past.
If you feel like a separation is in order, it's good that you can stay home. Sounds like you have a good setup for that, if there is a good thing about that. I know how hard it is having a little one at home. I have a 2 yo and a 5 yo.
i hate to try to be manipulative, but i wonder if there is a way i can get FWW to want to do IC? i'll have to put my thinking cap on.
Like an intervention!
I am no expert, but I think the MC needs to know. He/she may be able to help her find the right person to talk to.
what if i say, well, since i've gone as far as i'm going with MC'ing, and since MC'ing is obviously not helping w/ FWW sex issues, I'm quitting. then ask MC'r what are other options to help with this issue. i know her first response will be IC for FWW. maybe hearing it from a professional will carry more weight than me. MC'r is on a bunch of state professional boards, if MC'r says she can do IC fine, if she would rather refer FWW to another counselor, then i'm sure she's got some good recommendations. our MC'r is AAMFT, and i'm sure this isn't the first time she's run into our situation.
if i've learned nothing else about A's, there are always enough similarities to other people's sitch's that someone else has gone thru this too, so there's counselors that have seen it before.
If my H doesn't agree to work on his problem, that's exactly what I have in mind. Just say right in session, "it's quite obvious that this has all been a waste of time. There may not be a solution to "our" issues to be found in trying to hash them out here."
then it's up to FWW to decide what she wants to do.
Big hugs, my friend. I'm thinking of you.
With everything that's been going on and the enlightening of H feeling like he's "forced" and my complaining he doesn't initiate.... what if he does? I don't want to and I've never, ever rejected him.
Early on I was afraid to, that he would just go get it somewhere else (justified). I would initiate to keep him "happy". But I'm really worried that he'll have his "basis" for anger if he initiates (like I've asked for months) and I say no.
What if I just ask him to cuddle and kiss for a while... work up to it, that I'm still reeling from his revelations last week. Put it back on him?
do this before he gets a chance to initiate.
that way everyone is clear about it before any rejection has to take place.
My WH also gave me genital herpes, and I'm (1) terrified of passing this incurable disease to someone else (condoms don't prevent spread, and not having sores doesn't prevent it either; and (2) because of my chronic illness, the genital herpes has been devastating for my health, I'm in severe pain (from my crotch to the soles of my feet) every time I get sores, which is every month when my period rolls around; and (3) sex is no longer enjoyable because any friction or other attention down there also aggravates symproms and is extremely painful.
I don't even know how to start dealing with the fact that my sex life is over. I used to be a very sexual person, multiple orgasms all the time, etc.
At best, I figure I could start on a monastic life. I'm buddhist and taoist, and very spiritual and this is a serious option, once my kids grow up.
Hang in there healingal, have you tried Valtrex yet? That may help with symptoms and prevention of spreading it to other partners.
Sending virtual healing thoughts and good intentions to you.
* * * * *
Me: BW 39
D-day: June 6, 2006
Day he gave me GH: on my birthday last year
Married 8 years-together 13
2 children (5 & 7)
OW: not sure yet, happened across the country, where he has to go regularly for work
[This message edited by pioneerspirit at 11:31 PM, May 24th (Thursday)]
Anxiety over this morning is over since nothing happened. Except what's weird is when I woke up this morning he wasn't wearing underwear and he ALWAYS wears underwear, he was wearing them when he went to bed. I figure he took care of himself while I was sleeping next to him. Especially since I noticed there was no "morning wood" today when I woke him. That's another ALWAYS.
no easy answers, huh?
hey, if it didn't suck here on earth, we'd all fall off into space.
I've made every attempt, done everything I could, tried every damn thing the MC and IC told me, did the books, come here. Nothing's going to blast him off his center except me leaving. And that means the end. Because he's so full of self-loathing and arrogance and anger that he won't be able to see what he's lost. He doesn't know how much he's already lost... he keeps telling MC "I know what I could have lost."
i don't know what else to do either.
i've had thoughts that maybe i should hire some hypnotist to come in and drug her, hypotize her, and then implant in her head whatever is needed to fix it. hey, it's ok to dream sometimes.
anyway, enough bitching about FWW for me today. how about a new subject of discussion.
it seems to me that a lot of people don't seem to be interested in sex problems in the relationship. i mean, lack of sex isn't a problem for them. i'm sure they enjoy it, but when problems come and sex goes away, they don't worry about the lack of sex.
why? it bugs the hell out of me.
I had an awful time during his A years. The constant trying, rejection, compensating with food, keeping busy. It wasn't until about 4 years into it that I just told myself "this will get better when _______ happens."
I begged him to see a dr. that it wasn't normal for a guy to not want sex. And when he was complaining about his hair loss... his brother went on Propecia, which has sexual side effects, my H said "he certainly didn't want those." All I could think of was, me neither, I can't imagine our sex life getting any worse! Now I know he was afraid it would interfere with OW's "demands".
Our MC has suggested we take sex off the table for now. Just stick to cuddling and chaste demonstrations. He is happy as a clam. It plays right into where he is now.
I'm sorry, I want the whole package. I want a MARRIAGE, not a live-in roommate, cook, housekeeper, babysitter, errand-helper relationship. All that's part of it, but so is sex and emotional intimacy.