[This message edited by titanfour at 11:40 PM, January 22nd (Friday)]
my fwh has had 2 affairs that i know of. our most recent d day was only 2 months ago.
prior to this we have never had any problems in our sex life. even after the last affair it was not a problem. We had a period of hb both times and last time he seemed to love it. this time its been a nightmare and now we are not being intiate at all. during the hb this time he said that he felt like a performing seal and he didnt want to do it. everytime we did after that he couldnt maintain an erection and couldnt ejaculate.
he has never had this problem before. he says its because he feels guilty but i think its because he cant get over the ow he had told me that she was more beautiful than me, i think that he fancied her more and so now is not turned on by me.
he must of felt guilt previously and it didnt affect him?
its tearing me up and i feel we are not close at all no with no intimacy
I used to believe in forever . . . but forever was too good to be true.
-- Winnie the Pooh
Fast forward. I discover that the EAs were really PAs with promiscuous skanks, at least one of whom took favors in terms of money, he is an SA who spent a fortune on lapdances and strippers and who knows what else.
I feel NOTHING sexually. I don't have a single hormone left in my body. I want to feel sexy and sexual. I really do! He tells me I am, but these women are in our bed! He compared me to them in anger when he was being found out and said some awful things that still ring in my ears. How do I stop hearing them!
He is in recovery has been sober and attends meetings, I think we could heal if we could be physical. But I feel nothing! EXCEPT I am totally resentful that he wasted all the years that I was in my prime sexual years, wasted them by rejecting me and having sex in one form or another with cheap manipulative women for 20 or so years.
I love him, I want to be able to heal this, I don't want to throw away 30 years of my life, and I have no desire to DATE at 56. Who would want me? What am I supposed to do?
Is he comparing us and I am falling short? I don't feel like I can ask him.
Come right out and ask him. If this continues to be an issue, and you DON'T talk about it, it will never get better and you will never know.
I know it's hard not to take your WH's ED personally but the good news is that if he can get an erection then you're turning him on. He's losing the erection due to anxiety.
The stress and shame and guilt can do a number on a man. Their heads get f'd up also. Yes, it could be that he's still in an A or in a fog or even screwed-up because he experienced another woman's body. Or it could be anxiety due to shame and guilt.
Tell him to go to his doctor to rule out any medical condition AND tell him to ask the doc for ED medication.
The medication will allow him to maintain an erection until he gets his head on straight. Your WS feels more anxiety when he loses his erection. Medication will eliminate that.
As long as there isn't a medical reason for his ED then it's a temporary condition.
i've never been anything like a man-hater or believed in stereotypes to the point of cynicism. many of my closest friends are men i've always considered to be thoughtful and interesting. i don't feel like myself anymore. i have no desire to be emotionally/physically intimate with anyone, ever. i feel like sex is just better left as an animal thing that doesn't mean much. look at all the problems caused by attaching emotions to it. between my shamed, taboo sexual upbringing and now the true vulnerability and betrayal in my married relationship - sex has caused me far more pain than joy. at least when i was young and experimenting and a bit promiscous, acting on animal impulse, i didn't let it get to me like this.
i just don't know who i am anymore. i question everything i ever thought was genuine in man's mind and heart, like behind it all is just that rutting dog instinct. i hate this feeling. i have no sense of romance associated with sexuality. my "wild side" and sexual openness are completely absent. i'm disgusted and threatened by moderate to light porn that never bothered me before.
i sometimes feel that i have to leave him and start over somewhere else, after healing me a bit, in order to ever enjoy sex or even consider a deep sexual connection again. he was the love of my life. he wants nothing more than to fix everything. but i cried and cried last night after telling him i feel like nothing more than just another receptacle. and that yesterday, it hurt me so much when i saw pictures of myself 7 months whale-pregnant with his child, trying to feel at all "glowing or beautiful" at christmas in '08...less than three weeks later he cheated on me and knocked up a skinny little 25-year old, and went back for more a few days later. he picked the one time that i was huge and self-conscious about it to rub it in my face with that thing he screwed...the one time where my casual self-confidence was completely absent and he knew it. i can tell he is truly sorry for that and that he understood my feelings when i told him last night. i guess that's supposed to make this feel better. maybe it does, i can't tell. it's a raindrop on a tidal wave.
he told me recently that he's used a little porn here and there and that i might see something on the computer if i really tried looking. he was trying to be honest and i've never cared before, so he hadn't violated anything we agreed on. i usually think that a little porn is normal and not threatening, but one little pointer to very average type porn i found on the computer made me want to vomit and i let it ruin half my day.
where am i? where is the sensual woman inside me? so damn scared and bitter. i miss me so much. (crying). i had such a great memorial day weekend, mostly away from him, and he was so sweet when he was around. now i'm falling apart again.
i don't know who could say what to make me feel better right now, but thanks for being here, all of you, just to "listen." i know nothing stays the same, so this pain will change too. it just hurts sooooo badly. i have urges to cut myself like i did in high school. i wouldn't and i'm in IC with lots of support, but i'm still overwhelmed at the urge and amazed by its return after all these years.
sigh. damn what a day. just one to get through i guess. hope you are all having better ones.
life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac
My FWH has difficulty orgasming from oral sex. It can happen, but more often than not it doesn't. However, he has admitted that during the 20 month PA with MOW co-worker (now ex-coworker) that he orgasmed twice. This is driving me crazy. He did say that he has issues with oral sex and feels that it is degrading to the woman and thinks that because he respects me so much he is unable to reach orgasm....I want to believe this, but at the same time I am thinking what a load of bull.
Typing this out is really depressing. Forgive me if I jump around, when I start beating myself up over this I tend to have a tough time putting together coherent thoughts.
I find myself like many others here - a partner (in my case my wife) with a no sex drive and no desire for what I would consider normal physical contact (hugs, touches, etc). It seems like it was a slow drop off followed by a sudden crash off a cliff. Repeated attempts to make sense of it via communication never seem to resolve the issue. I'm talking about 8 page typed letters trying to get her to begin discussing the issue with me.
I've been told that my asking for sex 2 times a week is like I'm 'forcing her' to do something she doesn't want to do. I'm to the point now where I wish I could just be done with sex. I'm really happy with our relationship and our life in every other aspect. I can't just walk away from my family over something like this...
I know if I 'let it go' and never mentioned it, let it be known that I 'wanted to do it' that we would go months with our only physical contact being when we accidentally bump into each other.
If I manage my desire by myself (Rosie just doesn't compare to the real thing) I can keep the desire to a dull roar. Even with that I get to the point where I start to get really bummed out with everyone in the house and find myself staring at other women - thinking my god, I just really need some!
I would never break the promise of our relationship - it does feel like a great idea on some days...but I don't have it in me to break a promise like that.
The real killer is that any time she wants to have another kid (we have a large family) she is more than eager to be sexual and seems like she enjoys herself. Even during the pregnancy she is better (but not great) than when she isn't.
This whole thing is so very frustratingly clear to me - why can't she see my point of view? I don't expect it on demand, I'm not asking for anything crazy like hanging from the ceiling. Currently when I do manage to convince her to have sex it is in a 'hurry up and get it done' attitude. Often I'm told - you have 5 minutes and she has pretty much cut me off if I don't really expect to get an answer to this - I'm just trying to vent my frustration somewhere. Maybe if I get this off my chest I will feel better.
[This message edited by Belgrade at 1:15 PM, October 27th (Wednesday)]
Welcome to SI.
I think that you should re-post this in the "General" forum. You might get a lot more advice in General. Just copy and paste this in a new thread.
Right after we got married, she got on a huge babymaking kick. She wouldn't even kiss me, and would touch a certain spot to get me to come quicker. I felt used and ended up rejecting her for 3 weeks jsut after getting married until I came to grips with what was going on and we talked about it. She was trying to have kids, even though we had decided to wait until I found a new job.
Unfortunately by the time we had our sex life up and running again, she had allready started the affair. The affair was obvious, but I shrugged it off, considering I was only married 6 weeks I just thought I should give the benefit of a doubt. A month later when I caught them in the act, Sure enough, I saw her passionately making love to him, kissing, foreplay, everything I always wanted from her sexually but seldom got. it was not the sex that made me feel betrayed, but the passion that she had for him that did.
Although FWH and I are in R I can understand what you are saying.
I have often wondered how I would feel if we split. How I would manage sex with another man. I just don't think I could do it. Odd isn't it? He found it easy but I would find it hard.
Having said that I believe that we are courageous women. I believe that we are determined to heal ourselves and a sexual relationship (or a love relationship for that matter) is part of our healing.
FWH and I also had problems but I now believe it was because he was having exciting sex with his OWs and my experience with him was perfunctory. I began to feel that he wasn't really attracted to me and so it was just a release. I now actually believe he had sex with me so I wouldn't be suspicious so he made little effort. He denies this as you would expect!
This of course had a huge impact on my self esteem.
But remember the basic SI tenet. It was NOT about you! Every day I tell myself it was not about me. It was not!!!!
It is about his brokenness.
You have shown in the last few months just how strong you are. What you have done is amazing! You are a strong woman. You will recover from this shit as an even stronger woman. It will take a little time but I know it.
And then you will find you refind the sexy woman who had that "incredibly healthy sex life" and begin a new and better life.
Intellectually I know that all this shit I hear is just that...shit. It is produced by the people who are of limited intelligence and even more limited morals who are looking for an excuse or someone to blame. Nevertheless it hurts. I think I need hypnotherapy to get the images out of my mind! I suppose all I need to do is actually visualise my ex on film doing what he was talking about doing with these women and turn the whole thing into a comedy which it would have been. Probably like a pornographic version of The Benny Hill Show. I think I might have just hit the nail on the head!! Lol. Well at least I haven't lost my sense of humour.
Getting back to you and your FWH. I don't think he was behaving in a perfunctory manner because he wasn't attracted to you - just absolutely exhausted! My ex H can barely run down to the mail box so how they keep all this women on the go at once, I've no idea! Also, of course they think sex is far more exciting with the OW and of course the OW looks upon them as a complete stud. Try handing the OW a bag full of their skid marked underpants to wash or try getting the OW to identify the latest rash on the top of their inside left leg and see how turned on they all are afterwards! Whoops here I go again, off on a rant. Better get back to my library book entitled "Narcissists I have known".
Think I will go out and buy some sexy lingerie and just put it in the bottom of the drawer for now. I did manage to shave my legs this morning, had to use a machete but now starting to feel like I might one day need to show them, so better be prepared. I guess that's a small step in the right direction.
Thinking of you and your beautiful family. Hugs from me.
A porn version of Benny Hill... LOL!!! Now I have the theme music and some crazy images in my head, thanks for the laugh.
Will you feel normal in another relationship? I think so. You might even find it more satisfying than your current one ever was. I do believe it might take time to trust again though. Im no veteran, Im going through major self esteem issues and his sexual dysfunction issues myself, so I understand how you feel.
One good thing out of this is that for some time (I feel like Im slipping back out of this now though) I really wanted to do things to feel better about myself, not for him. But I bought some nicer clothes, got a new haircut and cute shoes - just dressing a little better. I even got a few compliments and it feels good! Been shaving my legs more often too
Im sure you are a beautiful person and his affairs and sick fantasies had NOTHING to do with your looks or performance. Hugs to you.
[This message edited by DrivingPast at 9:29 AM, August 29th (Monday)]
Yes I think that was a mistake mentioning the Benny Hill Show as I have now drawn mental pictures for myself that I can't get rid of. I won't be able to look at him again without laughing. I guess that's a step forward for me rather than the usual image I have of him at the proctologists having the heel of my stiletto shoe removed.
Trying to do all the things you say to give myself a boost. Last week a had an a greasy looking teenage boy yell out "Nice Tits" as I was leaving the supermarket. I said "thank you and they're my own". I now just need to upgrade the calibre of the men who notice me.
Thinking of all through this.
Rushing past off to work
Love your sense of humour lady!!!!