Like Still, I'm the initiator, or pusher or demander whatever the case may be. Today the kids left the house and we had been sniping at each other all day, both anxious about the family mini vacation this weekend. I just told him to take off his clothes. He said "not downstairs, I won't". I said fine go upstairs and empty the bed (we're packing). Went to get a yogurt because my stomach was growling and distracting me. He never moved from the couch. Said I was procrastinating and I said "I don't see you breaking any land speed records to get upstairs. Are we doing this or not?" He beat me up the steps, was naked in no time flat. Guess that means it was ok, yes/no?
But see, my motives were suspect because I thought he'd been "busy" while I took the kids to their banks like an hour before. But he "performed" fine, so I guess I was mistaken....
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
Glad something I said was useful for a change... and not a thread killer!!
H and I had what I'll call "stress relief" sex last week. We were both sniping at each other, the kids, washing, cleaning, packing, facing a whole weekend with his entire family (yuck for both of us!). I just threw up my hands and said, OK, go upstairs, get undressed, I'll be up in a minute.
Well, the fact that he did kind of blew me away. So I'm thinking, OK, maybe we just had a rough spot, maybe we'll be ok again.
Things went fine. No surprises or major fireworks, but we got sweaty and he seemed into it (that's been a problem).
HOWEVER, after, he excused himself for the bathroom (normal). But when he came out he was completely dressed sat on the bed, tied his shoes, gave me a kiss on the forehead and said "I've got to put a load of wash in the dryer". No after-glow, no cuddling, no ILYs.
I've been telling myself all weekend that it was stress relief sex, not making love to explain the attitude. He seemed fine the rest of the day and all weekend. I'm sure I'm the only one fretting over this.
Should I let it go? He gets so damn defensive that I'm afraid if I even say I missed the cuddling and stuff, he'll just chalk it up to one more thing he "didn't get right."
And after his comments a few weeks back about feeling "forced" to have sex with me, how do I know if that's not the reason for the cold shoulder afterwards. He knows him saying that hurt my feelings and I know he doesn't want to do that.
Let it go?
it could attributed to insensitivity, or just plain not knowing, or just being a dumbass, but do you think it would help if you told him next time that before he got up to shower/clean up, that you wanted to cuddle for a while?
i'm just wondering if he is in a 'just tell me what to do and i'll do it' mode.
i'll tell you from personal experience (not w/ sex specifically, but w/ other stuff) i get in that mode sometimes. nothing personal, and not trying to be uncaring, but sometimes i just plain don't know any other way to figure out what FWW wants, so i just tell her to tell me what it is she wants. in detail. so i can do it. because i want to do it.
ok, done rambling.
I don't know... the kids were due home, there was a lot to do. I over think f'ng everything.
Better off I sparkle on my own ~ Anna Nalick
Guys want simple, period. I know thats a generalization so please forgive, but sometimes thats just how it is. Why not just take a good moment in the hay just like that, maybe find a way to tell him later in a non threatening way that it was enjoyable for you and leave it at that.
You are both looking for things, you are both in odd places. Take that one moment as just that, just this time and build on that. Joke, laugh, tease a little...see if it relaxes him. I know you want more, I know this, but if you want it with him and you want to stay with him, then right now thats what you have to work with.
I know I have said that my libido has been missing in action, but I do remember how I felt when maybe I wanted to have a little nooky in the pool and my H would be freaked out by that, or maybe a quick romp in the living room....he ALWAYS wants to do it in the bedroom (yet does or did quickies elsewhere with others)and that just shut me down...to the point that I tune out. I don't think my H sees me as a sexual being, he sees me as a mother.
Work in small steps to make him see you want fun quickie here and there stuff and just don't for once bring up anything.....I know you want to, but take it in small steps. He might not ever go back to what you want, I don't know, I don't know the 2 of you. But I know you won't get anywhere if you keep finding fault (even if its due) he will really start to shut down.
JMO. Its a tuffy, thats for sure. But its your call.
as long as you both realize that it's not great now, but are committing to doing it regular enough as a way to help make it great.
i had thought about it being that way with FWW too for a while. oh well.
I HATE stress relief sex.
YEARS Ago in MC pastor asked spouse why do you have sex? His first answer "stress relief"
Sorry dude, I am not your substitute punching bag.
I suppose every once in a while it would not be so bad - but incessantly? <graphic warning> I would be happy to cut a hole in a roast for you </graphic warning>
And yes, I would be the reason we have less sex then not, but then this relationship has so many issues, I believe any woman in these shoes would have a hard row to hoe.
Just a suggestion from one who has gone through it.
As far a s sex goes, it is really weird right now. I'm glad to know I'm not alone!!! My WH and I always had agreat sex life before I found out about the A. It happened 3 1/2 yrs ago, but I just found out Apr.10,07.
During those yrs everything remained the same, sex was so easy, it just happened I never had to think about it. Now that he confessed, everything is so f#ck*ed up!!
We had about a week of HB, and now he has totally shut down!! I feel like it is me, he says it is because I know, and he feels so horrible and disgusted by what he did. He thinks too much. It is always strained!!
We have been married for 16 yrs and I feel for the first time that he doesn't want me. On top of all that is going on that is pretty hard to take .
Especially since, (and sorry if this is TMI) the last time we actually tried he lost it halfway thru . I tried to not react too dramatically, but when he didn't want to talk I flipped out I'm good at that lately!!!
I feel lost, PLEASE, someone tell me this will get better! Thanks for the vent.
~~I Luv Pie~~
And we had a very similar experience. HB for about a week then nothing. Talk about trauma. All I could think about was how he could do it for HER and chase THEM and I was there all the time, invisible and he can't get it up for me. What's wrong with me? Am I too "wholesome"? I tried dressing like his hookers. Am I triggering him with that? Back to baggy sweats and shapeless Tshirts. It went on for months (sorry). I started to stay awake and go up and "attack" him in his sleep or wake up early and catch him if he had morning wood. Sick.
Our MC and my IC said it was guilt. He was completely freaked now that I knew. The walls he'd built around all that mess came tumbling down and his good life had come to an end. He'd destroyed the only person who ever loved him truly and completely. Apparently the beginning, right after Dday is tough on them too.
All the counselors kept telling me to back off, so I built some walls of my own around my heart, I shut down. Kept reminding myself of everything he'd done, got good and angry. That kept me from wanting him.
It is weird, that's why we're here.
This is just where I need to be tonight too.
Came home from the gym and H is all lovey dovey. Sexual innuendos thrown out. Teasing, playful. Head up to bed and NOTHING. Zonks out. It's one of his "tells". When he has had sex on the brain, he takes care of himself, then feels guilty and is extra sexy with me, but it's all show, no go because he's done.
So here I am, awake, putting up the walls again so I don't hurt.
Your story sounds so similar. I'm sorry you or anyone for that matter is going through the same crap, but I'm glad to know other WH do the same thing. I keep telling him, "If i've forgiven you, why can't you just forgive yourself and try to start making our marriage right again?" But I guess it's not that easy. We start MC on the 15th of this month, hopefully that will help him start to deal with this better.
It's not like I don't have my own sh*t to deal with!!! But I miss him terribly in that way, we were so good together, he was always so affectionate.
He also blames it on lower libido, we are both 38 so I guess if you go by what the experts say his is slowing down while mine is revving up. Bad timing. But I have always felt that way with him, so I wonder if that is just an excuse.
I'm also guilty of feeling so insecure wondering why he can't get so hot for me like I've imagined he did with her, who by the way was a really good friend of mine at the time. or so I thought. I invision them just tearing each others clothes off as soon as they see each other. He says it wasn't nearly that exciting. I don't know what to think anymore!?!? This SUCKS!!!!!
It seems like a vicious cycle and I cant for the life of me figure out what to do from here.
How could I have lived with a liar and not known...
I know how hard it is. My H screamed at me on DDay, the night I found his love letters and motel receipts that he HAD to, he wasn't getting any at home. That is etched indelibly into my brain.
I wasn't holding out on him, he wasn't coming to me. And God I miss him every night. I would have him, if he would have me.
But with the cries of "you don't give me a chance to come to you" and "I feel pressured, coerced, forced into sex". I don't have much choice.
The longest 4 mo. of my life were when I stopped initiating with him during our R. I was miserable, he was miserable.
Our MC had "prescribed" the sensual touching exercises and H even misinterpreted that. After we were done the exercise he wanted to have sex, but didn't initiate because that wasn't what we were "supposed" to be doing.
It's all messed up. I just hope not forever.
Can you ask him to just reassure you that it's not you, that it's him. See if he'll tell you he wants you.
When my H told me he didn't want to have sex with me, I freaked. But what he wanted was to be able to make love with me. Sex was reserved for THEM. That's where I hope we're headed.
Most recently I asked again and was met with the new excuse of I just had a baby, am I ready? He doesnt want me to get pregnant again so soon, so what is he supposed to do? "Suppose I could get condoms" he said.
I know its "not me" but it sure is hard to believe especially when I am the one who he is NOT initiating anything with.
And Weepy, sounds to me like perhaps your H is afraid.
I sometimes let fear stand in my way, okay, I do alot...which is why its SO hard for me to initiate anything towards my H..I fear being rejected.
And after learning I am a BS, which to me is the ultimate rejection (even though I *know* it really had nothing to do with ME), its hard to put myself out there again and again and again only to be "rejected" again, whether it was his intention or not.
So, we both live in fear, neither one initiating anything, both feeling alone and sad and unfulfilled.
Its been 4 months for us also..and yep..the longest 4 months ever. Sad.
It sounds and feels so very strange to hear this man, who was always very sexual in our M, now say he feels like I am pressuring him. I just feel like saying oh you poor baby, you totally screwed up our lives and now you need time to feel better!?!? WTF? But I guess it is what it is. And sometimes I do feel sorry for him. I just wish we could both get past this and be us again.
And to top it all off I spoke with the OW today. I noticed her # on my Caller ID so , of course out of curiosity I called her back. She acted like she never called. But it gave me a good chance to tell her again just how horrible she is, and ask again what kind of person sleeps w/her good friends husband?
She just said, again it was a horrible accident. An accident that went on for four months?! HA! She said it wasn't as exciting as I am making out to be in my mind. She said it was always awkward. They supposedly slept together 6 times. Only they really know the truth. She actually had the nerve to tell me the reason it happened more than once was because they felt so bad about what they had done and they had no one else to talk to so they would meet to talk about how horrible they were and THATS why they kept sleeping together, every time! That sound like BS to me. Sorry I've gone off the subject but it felt good to vent. Thanks