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User Topic: Sexual Difficulties While In A Relationship
Strider75
♂ Member
Member # 13596
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, May 30th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

weepy - i've communicated the need for sex and emotional intimacy.

we've tried some 'homework' exercises from the MC'r. nothing we do together works.

and i have outright said to FWW that sex and the intimacy it brings are things i require in M, and without them, i'm done.

i really think FWW's problem is all in her head and she won't talk to me about it. hell, she won't even think about it to herself. in 5 months, this issue has gone nowhere.

that's why i think she needs IC to address it now. but IC is something that she has to want to do, or that won't work either.

ETA - otherwise my only recourse at this point is divorce.

[This message edited by Strider75 at 1:16 PM, May 30th (Wednesday)]


Sometimes I wish there was a way to have do-overs in life.

Posts: 5033 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Atlanta, GA
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, May 30th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I "forced" my H into IC. By telling him it was for him. That I could see how "tortured" he was about what he'd done. That I wanted a better father for my children. I appealed to his character traits that he'd buried and dismissed - his integrity, his compassion (I used a very special moment in our M to get to him). Because asking him, demanding it, didn't work. Then the MC backed me up. Told him HE needed someone to vent to about his trials during R. That I didn't want to and couldn't carry his problems along with mine. I pinned him down (literally) and made him make the call while I sat there.

It's been slow, but he has made progress. He started with how he interacted with the kids. Even told me a "trick" his IC gave him in dealing with our D, who truly at this point in life thinks her father doesn't love her.

He obviously, has NOT addressed anything about his sexual problems. But this is a guy who admits he's never opened up to anyone, ever and has admitted to only revealing 25% of his true self to me (and that includes the affairs!). So I know he's in for the long haul with therapy.

From what I understand about personal boundaries, you don't even have to voice them to the other party. Just knowing you have them (ie, another affair he's gone) empowers you. It can't base it on any one else's actions.

I have trouble setting them myself, that's why I'm looking for a new IC.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
wasfooled2
♀ Member
Member # 13783
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, May 30th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strider, I may have asked this before, so I'm sorry, but is your wife NC with the OM?


(Me) BS-39
(Him) WS-41 (serial cheater)
D-Day #7 2/24/07 (lost count)
Married 15 years; together for 23
Reconciled, or so I thought. Separated & divorcing.

Better off I sparkle on my own ~ Anna Nalick


Posts: 5583 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Chicago Suburbs
Strider75
♂ Member
Member # 13596
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, May 30th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WF2 - to the best i can tell she is still NC.

there's a hidden surprise on the home computer that would let me know if she was emailing/IM'ing/etc.

there are no suspicious phone calls on the call logs for the cell phone or the home phone.

i did at one point find a pre-paid calling card, but when i checked it out, i found out it hadn't been used since well before her A even started.

i had noticed some discrepancies between the number of text messages in her phone and the number on our bill, but was able to account for the discrepancy being due to text msg advertisements being sent to her, and her deleting them as they came in.

so if she's not NC, she's doing it thru hand written letters, PC's at the library or some place no at home (she doesn't have a job, she's a stay at home mom, so no work email or phone), or phone calls from another friends house locally. OM lives two states away, so i know she isn't seeing him face to face.

i have no proof she is breaking NC.

[This message edited by Strider75 at 1:55 PM, May 30th (Wednesday)]


Sometimes I wish there was a way to have do-overs in life.

Posts: 5033 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Atlanta, GA
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, May 30th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know what to say any more strider. Like I said, I had to "use" his kids to get to him and it took almost a year before he agreed to IC. He's been faithful about it since. Hasn't missed one week. Even told MC he thinks he's getting something out of it. Like he thinks he's more pleasant to be around now.

Of course I want to say "WTF would you have to be UN pleasant about? Mr. Got the Whole Works and Still Didn't Lose His Wife and Kids."

But he truly is easier to be around since he started. He doesn't argue for the sake of arguing any more, and the majority of the verbal abuse has stopped. Now he's working on his "decision making" ability (or lack of).


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Strider75
♂ Member
Member # 13596
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, May 30th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

weepy - there isn't anything else to say about my problem with FWW.

it's either stay in it and just accept a sexless marriage or get out. or FWW have some miracle hormone surge or something, but that's wishing for fantasy land.


Sometimes I wish there was a way to have do-overs in life.

Posts: 5033 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Atlanta, GA
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, May 31st (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm losing my libido, and I'm not sure how much to worry about it. It's a mixed blessing.

I've always had a higher libido than DW, but she's only in the mood once or twice a month. Lately, I'm caring less, I'm not even taking matters into my own hand.

I don't know if this is exhaustion (the last ten weeks were exhausting due to DW starting a full time job and leaving me with lots more household duties, then quitting and leaving me to pick up the emotional wreckage), getting older, or resignation and acceptance. I don't even know if it's worth bringing up to DW, since she gets along without it. Is anyone else feeling this way?


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, May 31st (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, lonerider, since my H's "libido" picked up quite a bit at your age (he started his f-fest at age 42) I don't think it's age.

Our MC has been giving us the "when there's relationship problems, the libido is the first thing affected" to explain my H's lack of desire (although he does take care of himself more than he takes care of me). She says that all this infidelity stuff is so intense, it is exhausting and you have a bunch of other stuff going on at the same time too.

If it persists, I'd get checked out by the dr. It could be depression, it could be a testosterone drop, it could just be tired of everything.

Is it causing problems BETWEEN you two or are you just "missing" that feeling of the drive?


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Strider75
♂ Member
Member # 13596
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, May 31st (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lonerider - you could bring it up. if it's not a problem for either of you, it's ok to state it in those terms.

i think it would be good just to make sure you are both on the same page. if she has any sort of issues with it, it would be good to talk it out.


Sometimes I wish there was a way to have do-overs in life.

Posts: 5033 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Atlanta, GA
Lonerider
♂ Member
Member # 9205
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, May 31st (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

weepy,

Right now I'm missing the feeling, it's an odd sensation.

I have to figure out just what I'm feeling, it may be exhaustion, I may be a little resentful, too, since I'm still doing most of the cooking at home, I may be annoyed that DW is still looking for inappropriate jobs (ie. jobs that she is not a good fit for that will just bring home lots of stress), I may be thinking she's not going to agree to have sex, why bother trying.

It's confusing.


BS me 43 years old
WS her 45 years old
married 14 years, together 20
2 kids
D-day 7/15/05

Posts: 4225 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: western NY
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, May 31st (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ok lone, you've been around here a while, like me. Maybe it's the time frame.... everything is going normal, still hurts though. Still walking on eggshells (both) a little. Just feels weird still. A lot of things can be going on and not even register.

I may be thinking she's not going to agree to have sex, why bother trying.

Bingo!


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
realitybites
♀ Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, May 31st (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can I pipe in here? You guys are so great!

My libido left me well before my H's A. I was one of those who thought it was a bad patch in our marriage, somehow it will all come back. I was made to believe it was all my fault, I tried to see a therapist in my 30's, when that did not work I was too embarrassed to look for something else. I have tried creams, pills, porn (light) and it comes back for a bit and then can go away for months at a time. I have asked female doctors to prescribe some kind of testosterone therapy....they tell me I am too young or not in menapause....yadda, yadda, yadda. I can't tell you how much this has hurt me and saddened me. It seems like every road I try to turn there is very little or no help as I do not fall into any kind of "problem catagory".

I so would love to find someone or something to help with this issue. My H is very affectionate, and although I know the A is not my fault, I do know what could have contributed to the climate for him to feel like he needed to cheat.

I would LOVE to feel frisky again, when my H says he wants sex 4/5 times a week I would LOVE to want to feel that way.

Where did it go?????


Posts: 5525 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, May 31st (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

rb, I really have no libido either. My desire for sex is really my desire to reconnect with my H on ANY level, and since it's not going to be in the verbal communication area, maybe it can be done in the physical.

Mine's surgical, but also mental. But now I wonder if I was only kidding myself all these past 10 years. Maybe it wasn't "all that". But I remember pre-surgery I used to have some might Os! Maybe it's the aging process no matter if it's surgically-induced menopause or just natural.

And boy, I'd love it if my H felt like it 4-5 times a week. Heck, I'd love it 4-5 times a month! But it looks like he's wanting it more like 4-5 times a year!


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
realitybites
♀ Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, May 31st (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

weepy...how is yours surgical? if you don't mind my asking?

I have also suspected that it has to do with my SAB issues from childhood, but I feel like we have talked about that. I feel "safe" with my H in that department, he has never hurt me....but it really just shut down, like a light switch. I mean I can look at adult movies or magazines and literally not feel anything! And once in a blue moon it comes back briefly and than...click, gone.


Posts: 5525 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, May 31st (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Total hysterectomy at age 39, six months before his "fall".


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Lucky2HaveMe
♀ Member
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, June 1st (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

-If a husband fails to meet his wife's other needs, then it is reasonable for her to refuse sex if she chooses to. And vice versa.

THIS is such a vicious circle! My FWH and I were in this circle for YEARS... He wasn't meeting my emotional needs so I wasn't meeting his sexual needs... neither of us was happy and neither of us was willing to budge. I believe that led, in some ways, to his EA and that slippery slope.

Even now he will say something like "Can we have sex tonight?" and I'm like "Depends on how the day goes - foreplay starts now..."

Good grief - guys think a hand on the crotch is all it takes!


~L2HM~
Every Storm Runs out of Rain ~ Gary Allen

Posts: 5475 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
smokenfire
Member
Member # 5217
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, June 1st (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even now he will say something like "Can we have sex tonight?" and I'm like "Depends on how the day goes - foreplay starts now..."

OMG - I am SO using this - what a great visual.


I have a very strict no returns policy - if you got him - you have to keep him.
Don't kick me in the mouth and then complain about how I bleed...

Posts: 5961 | Registered: Aug 2004
stillhurting1
♀ Member
Member # 13564
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, June 1st (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can I join the group?
I really appreciate hearing that I'm not the only one dealing with a FWS who is not interested in sex.

Quick history is that our
"drives" seem to come and go like a rollercoaster. In the beginning of our relationship it was pretty even. Then one night I initiated Sex and he declined me which made me super uncomfy and then my Catholic guilt shot in and from then on for a few years, I think I was just afraid of Sex. Felt dirty, weird, heard my "moms voice" in my head each time etc.
Then we got married and the sex went from minimal to almost zilch...and it has been that way since. Sometimes its me..and sometimes its him.

More recently, I had a baby in 2004 and during my pregnancy we had sex only twice!! Twice. I think it weirds him out knowing there is a growing baby inside.
And then our M went from bad to worse and we split up last year in March for 5 months. Again, we had NOT had sex since our Daughter was born..so it was almost 1.5 yrs of NO SEX! Some of that was anger on my part towards him and guilt/anger on his part towards me. I just didnt care at that point...and then we separated.

And then we got back together last Sept...lots of HB from being apart, and the BAM..D-Day!! I was devasated to know he was with another person.
Then I found out after only 3 weeks back together that I was pregnant again. Whoops.

The sex stopped immediately. I tried to initiate, he would never, ever respond. I tried and tried and tried and in October asked why. Looking back now I believe he was still involved with OW after a brief "vacation" from her, and then at the end of Oct I told him I knew he was fooling around and I was going to leave...preg or not. That changed everything and he became a differnt man in November and has been wonderful since. I know the A is over, even though they work together now, but I know for certain they are NC...yet we still have no sex.

Again, I was pregnant from Sep to April. We did have sex a few times but after my 6th month, I started becoming obsessed with it and each time I mentioned to H, he would say "okay" but then either stay out late or come home and ignore me or go to bed early. Again, no sex.
Finally I gave up and thought I would wait until I had the baby. That was a month ago and even though I know I need to "wait" until 6weeks, I feel good now and look good..lost all my baby weight yet NOTHING from my H still.
We seem to be living as roomates and besides a peck on the lips before/after he is home from work, there is nothing. Nothing.
And I dont think its me..b/c I have told him over and over that I am willing anytime and want him and want to be w/him and that I NEED him to be with me.
Still nothing.

We have seen a MC recently but havent really gotten into the meaty stuff of this A/Lack of Sex/our M etc...so nothing really resolved yet.

sorry for the ramble..but I am becoming obsessed with this whole intimacy/intercouse thing and yet nothing changes. I know I am probably pressuring him and he doesnt like it but I just cant seem to get past how he can be so open and sexual like he was with the OW and yet w/me, he acts like the Pope.
I dont get it.

[This message edited by stillhurting1 at 2:30 PM, June 1st (Friday)]


Me:36 BS
Him: 35 WS
2 kids: age 4 and 20 months
#3 due March 09

Finally had it. I want a D!!

How could I have lived with a liar and not known...


Posts: 372 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: NW
Heidi31
♀ Member
Member # 10571
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, June 1st (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

coming in late herebut....

He gets it from me he doesn't......

I could puke at the thought of it sometimes and then I am like a nymph at others....

He's finally OK with the rejections because he realizes that I'll smack the crap outta him if he's not...LMFAO

I still can not perform certain things she did to him even although I know I should to own it and make it ours again...He doesn't even ask anymore...

GUESS he shoulda though about it long and hard before he screwed things up..


Separated
BS-me 38
WS-32
DDAY #1-April 16,2006
DDAY#2 10/6/12 fucking the 19 year old babysitter!
Does the knife in my chest make my Boobs look bigger??

Posts: 1679 | Registered: May 2006 | From: MAINE
smokenfire
Member
Member # 5217
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, June 1st (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just used that line tonite. He said he was in the mood - I said good foreplay starts NOW with how you act.

He knew I was serious.

That so freaking rocks.


I have a very strict no returns policy - if you got him - you have to keep him.
Don't kick me in the mouth and then complain about how I bleed...

Posts: 5961 | Registered: Aug 2004
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