It is not intended for sexual innuendo or flirting, but for information exchange and support only.
[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:53 PM, May 23rd (Wednesday)]
Oh, I am so glad the mods let us have this thread!
I go first!!!
I have not had sex w/ my wh in forever. He never really gave me a "real" answer. I think it had more to do w/ the fact that I kept getting bacterial infections from his *****.
At first I could not understand why I kept getting them, then it finally hit me...
Have you guys experienced something like that from your spouse do to infidelity?
Well that is it for me...
[This message edited by KSA2 at 5:37 PM, May 23rd (Wednesday)]
Confront the most BRUTAL facts of your current situation, so you are able to come back from difficulties not weakened but stronger!
Many of our sexual difficulties, IMO, began when WH started playing around online. I felt betrayed. He didn't understand that. It was "harmless flirting" to him. But to me, it was cheating.
It made me feel worthless, ugly, and less than sexual. I simply didn't want to have sex knowing that someone else might be on his mind while we were doing it.
Then I got sick last year, and for a very large part of the year, I couldn't have sex. I can count on one hand how many times we did it the whole entire year. The EA was going on this whole time.
Sex has always been incredibly important to my WH. But not so much for me. I love him with or without it. So maybe we're incompatible in that area? I don't know. The A. just made everything worse.
We're probably in the HB stage now, but we really are trying to work at getting things back on track in the bedroom...alone, without all the online girls in there with us.
It's a struggle. But we're getting there.
Better off I sparkle on my own ~ Anna Nalick
"The term “mistake” infers a level of ignorance, innocence and naivety. And a lack of intent and planning." - Craig Harper
Is it the physical release? The fun? An emotional connection?
It seems that my WH just likes the physical fun part. He wants us to be very adventurous.
I, on the other hand, appreciate the emotional contact, and don't like to get too crazy.
We're obviously having problems since we seem to want different things.
How do I open up and do more of what he wants and how does he become more emotionally connected with me?
Ugh. Dr. Ruth?? Anyone??
[This message edited by wasfooled2 at 5:08 PM, May 23rd (Wednesday)]
Unf, we can't get back there. Well, I can't. At least not now, and I am still struggling with how to ever. I am naturally VERY high libido, and easily multi-orgasmic. Sex has always been fun, playful, and intense for me. Until now--now it's disgusting, and I'd rather he just not touch me. Well, I assume that's how it would be, since we're not having it and still sleeping in separate rooms.
How in the world do I get back there? Back to a place where I like being with him physically, where every time he touches me I don't think about them, where every time we do something sexually he did with them (and, given the extent of the affairs, this is going to be next to impossible to avoid unless we do large orgies using suspension wires or something) I don't freak out?
Ergh. Ergh. Ergh.
Sex was a huge part of our relationship. Not the most important, but we were very, very well matched. If anything, I wanted it a bit more than him. Now, I just want him to keep his hands to himself. He says that, for now, that is fine and he will not stray because of it. So, why do I feel guilty about it?
I feel like I should be handling it better, like I should be trying harder. I feel like everything is defiled, and then I feel guilty because it should be special, and it's not anymore. I know, realistically, that is HIS fault. But, I still feel guilty.
Stupid, but true. He is always reassuring, doesn't pressure me, etc. He is, honestly, everything a FW should be--contrite, apologetic, remorseful, proactive, working on things, going to IC, etc. It is something of a pink elephant, though, that I can't seem to get over. He'll still make remarks to let me know I am pretty, and desirable. Which is good, because I need that. But WOW does it make me feel uncomfortable. He is in a no-win situation here: I feel pressured if he comments on me being pretty or desirable, and get pissed if he doesn't because then he's not reassuring me. There are days I actually feel bad for him.
I'm so sorry for what you've been through.....but there
are 50 million single guys in America.........there's gotta be a better one out there for you.
Just choose carefully.
FWW and I started having sexual problems a long time before she had her A. she says it started for her when our son was born. she says she just never regained her libido.
but she didn't tell me until she'd already gotten into the A.
anyway, my sex drive still works fine, and after d-day, FWW just completely shutdown physically.
she gets very stressed by the thought of sex. she won't even talk to me as to why.
we've tried a few times, she is always very sketched out, and i've gotten now so that while i have plenty of sex drive, i have zilch directed at her.
i have no idea what to do, but the lack of sex is a huge problem for me.
afterall, she pushed me away for 2 years before the A started, had a PA were she was pretty much just interested in using OM for sex to validate herself, and then completely shutdown to me. so she can put out for people that don't matter at all, but when it comes to me...
i've gotten so that i don't think of it as anything wrong w/ me now, though, so that's good. it's all her problem.
it's just causing a big problem for the relationship.
i can't live in a sexless marriage. and i have pretty much run out of patience and tolerance.
nobody i've spoken to has any answers, but it is nice to havve a place specificly just to bitch about it.
Now with everything on the table are reconnecting and we are doing better, but I keep hoping for a magic pill that will get my labido going.
[This message edited by jp12861 at 10:40 PM, May 23rd (Wednesday)]
I tried a couple different hormone replacements, but fianlly my doctor tried a different one called Estratest and wow....a huge difference.
I'm sorry you're in this position. It's very hard.
before d-day, i tried introducing a variety of things. music, candles, rose petals covering the bed, a variety of aids (a few toys, massage oils, supposedly stimulating creams), tried a few game type things, tried a little bit of kinkiness like tying up, etc. i've never been shy about asking her what she likes, doesn't like, etc.
i've tried (unsuccessfully) to get FWW out on a weekend just by ourselves. we've always had parents that could take the munchkin for a few days available to us, but FWW refuses to be separated from him for more than one night. the times we have left him overnight at my parents, all she was willing to do was just a standard dinner/movie then home and off to sleep, with the sole exception of a night we spent at a hotel near our old house in va beach (i got a room with an ocean view, jacuzzi, etc.). even then, it took me 4 months of talking to her to get her to agree to do it.
nothing makes a dent.
i've come to think the major problem is that i'm the only one trying.
i've gotten so frustrated now with her about it that i really don't feel like trying anymore. i went to bed last night and she rolled over and her leg pressed up against mine. i genuinely didn't want to feel her on me, so i moved over some to separate. couldn't stand touching her actually. last few days are the first time i've ever felt that.
Strider: I feel your pain man. I'm in the same boat. H and I for homework were supposed to plan a weekend away. His initial reaction to where I wanted to go "So, other than 24 hour sex, what else do you want to do on this vacation?" But it was said in a tone like wanting that was a "bad" thing. Especially when I said no tv. He was angry that's what I wanted to go away and do.
He hasn't touched me or made a initiative move in months too. I have and got told in MC that my sexual advances made him feel pressured, if he gave in, he felt coerced (great, now my H feels like a rape victim when we have sex). I'm avoiding all contact (physical) at all with him now. Sleeping on the edge of the bed, etc. He tried to snuggle with me on my birthday (wow, one day he actually put forth a little effort) but the next day was back to the same. Blow me a goodnight kiss and turn over.
We didn't have sex for close to 6 years during his A period. I remember very vividly the rejection, the pushing away and I remember how I handled it. But shutting down and telling myself that sex was over-rated and who needs it. So I'm adopting that mindset again. It truly suck now anyway, so what is there to miss?
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda