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User Topic: Sexual Difficulties While In A Relationship
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, May 23rd (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This thread is intended for members who are having sexual difficulties within their relationship due to infidelity or prior to betrayal.

It is not intended for sexual innuendo or flirting, but for information exchange and support only.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:53 PM, May 23rd (Wednesday)]


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
Formykids
♀ Member
Member # 12653
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, May 23rd (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, I am so glad the mods let us have this thread!

I go first!!!

I have not had sex w/ my wh in forever. He never really gave me a "real" answer. I think it had more to do w/ the fact that I kept getting bacterial infections from his *****.

At first I could not understand why I kept getting them, then it finally hit me...

Have you guys experienced something like that from your spouse do to infidelity?

Well that is it for me...

[This message edited by KSA2 at 5:37 PM, May 23rd (Wednesday)]


Behind every successful man is his woman, behind the fall of a successful man is the other woman!

Confront the most BRUTAL facts of your current situation, so you are able to come back from difficulties not weakened but stronger!


Posts: 1352 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Texas
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, May 23rd (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Revised to reflect current title and content.

Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
wasfooled2
♀ Member
Member # 13783
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, May 23rd (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, Mods!!

Many of our sexual difficulties, IMO, began when WH started playing around online. I felt betrayed. He didn't understand that. It was "harmless flirting" to him. But to me, it was cheating.

It made me feel worthless, ugly, and less than sexual. I simply didn't want to have sex knowing that someone else might be on his mind while we were doing it.

Then I got sick last year, and for a very large part of the year, I couldn't have sex. I can count on one hand how many times we did it the whole entire year. The EA was going on this whole time.

Sex has always been incredibly important to my WH. But not so much for me. I love him with or without it. So maybe we're incompatible in that area? I don't know. The A. just made everything worse.

We're probably in the HB stage now, but we really are trying to work at getting things back on track in the bedroom...alone, without all the online girls in there with us.

It's a struggle. But we're getting there.


(Me) BS-39
(Him) WS-41 (serial cheater)
D-Day #7 2/24/07 (lost count)
Married 15 years; together for 23
Reconciled, or so I thought. Separated & divorcing.

Better off I sparkle on my own ~ Anna Nalick


Posts: 5583 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Chicago Suburbs
JoePike
♂ Member
Member # 13207
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, May 23rd (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mods - as stated before, you rock!


"Do or do not. There is no Try" - Yoda.

"The term “mistake” infers a level of ignorance, innocence and naivety. And a lack of intent and planning." - Craig Harper


Posts: 3952 | Registered: Jan 2007
wasfooled2
♀ Member
Member # 13783
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, May 23rd (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd like to know what makes sex important to you in a relationship.

Is it the physical release? The fun? An emotional connection?

It seems that my WH just likes the physical fun part. He wants us to be very adventurous.

I, on the other hand, appreciate the emotional contact, and don't like to get too crazy.

We're obviously having problems since we seem to want different things.

How do I open up and do more of what he wants and how does he become more emotionally connected with me?

Ugh. Dr. Ruth?? Anyone??

[This message edited by wasfooled2 at 5:08 PM, May 23rd (Wednesday)]


(Me) BS-39
(Him) WS-41 (serial cheater)
D-Day #7 2/24/07 (lost count)
Married 15 years; together for 23
Reconciled, or so I thought. Separated & divorcing.

Better off I sparkle on my own ~ Anna Nalick


Posts: 5583 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Chicago Suburbs
shwankie
♀ Member
Member # 14475
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, May 23rd (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sex before his As was, for the most part, great. There were some things going on that I now know were related to the guilt of the As.

Unf, we can't get back there. Well, I can't. At least not now, and I am still struggling with how to ever. I am naturally VERY high libido, and easily multi-orgasmic. Sex has always been fun, playful, and intense for me. Until now--now it's disgusting, and I'd rather he just not touch me. Well, I assume that's how it would be, since we're not having it and still sleeping in separate rooms.

How in the world do I get back there? Back to a place where I like being with him physically, where every time he touches me I don't think about them, where every time we do something sexually he did with them (and, given the extent of the affairs, this is going to be next to impossible to avoid unless we do large orgies using suspension wires or something) I don't freak out?

Ergh. Ergh. Ergh.

Sex was a huge part of our relationship. Not the most important, but we were very, very well matched. If anything, I wanted it a bit more than him. Now, I just want him to keep his hands to himself. He says that, for now, that is fine and he will not stray because of it. So, why do I feel guilty about it?


ME (bs):40 FWH :32
Multiple Ddays from TT(all DDays in 2007), Multiple OWs. 'Nuff Said. Happily Reconciled.
"This isn't life in the fast lane, it's life in oncoming traffic." --Terry Pratchett.

Posts: 965 | Registered: May 2007
wasfooled2
♀ Member
Member # 13783
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, May 23rd (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you feel guilty because you feel like you're keeping something from him? Holding something over his head? (bad choice of words, sorry) or punishing him?


(Me) BS-39
(Him) WS-41 (serial cheater)
D-Day #7 2/24/07 (lost count)
Married 15 years; together for 23
Reconciled, or so I thought. Separated & divorcing.

Better off I sparkle on my own ~ Anna Nalick


Posts: 5583 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Chicago Suburbs
KSA2
♀ Member
Member # 9474
Red  Posted: 5:37 PM, May 23rd (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This thread is open to all, so please don't use name calling and venting here.


No one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does. So, what are we, helpless? Puppets? Nah. The big moments are gonna come, you can't help that. It's what you do afterwards that counts. That's when you find out who you are.

Posts: 29360 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Mod Dungeon
feelsodeceived
♀ Member
Member # 12351
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, May 23rd (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWS and I took the Emotional Needs Questionaire. He ranked sex quite highly, and for frequency he put 7-10 times a week. We have been together for 20 years! HELP


It takes a long time, but life does go on

Posts: 1360 | Registered: Oct 2006
shwankie
♀ Member
Member # 14475
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, May 23rd (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't feel like I am withholding intentionally or holding it over his head. I am not sure I can describe it, but I guess I feel like it shouldn't be such a big deal. That I should still want him, need him, that his touch wouldn't make my skin crawl.

I feel like I should be handling it better, like I should be trying harder. I feel like everything is defiled, and then I feel guilty because it should be special, and it's not anymore. I know, realistically, that is HIS fault. But, I still feel guilty.

Stupid, but true. He is always reassuring, doesn't pressure me, etc. He is, honestly, everything a FW should be--contrite, apologetic, remorseful, proactive, working on things, going to IC, etc. It is something of a pink elephant, though, that I can't seem to get over. He'll still make remarks to let me know I am pretty, and desirable. Which is good, because I need that. But WOW does it make me feel uncomfortable. He is in a no-win situation here: I feel pressured if he comments on me being pretty or desirable, and get pissed if he doesn't because then he's not reassuring me. There are days I actually feel bad for him.


ME (bs):40 FWH :32
Multiple Ddays from TT(all DDays in 2007), Multiple OWs. 'Nuff Said. Happily Reconciled.
"This isn't life in the fast lane, it's life in oncoming traffic." --Terry Pratchett.

Posts: 965 | Registered: May 2007
healinginal
♀ Member
Member # 14562
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, May 23rd (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While I was still married I continued to have yeast infections for unknown reasons from the very beginning. After awhile they stopped. Then fast forward to just 6 yrs ago and I found out my FWH was having an affair. At first he said that they were not having sex but shortly after they did. Then I started with the yeast infections again. I went to my dr, who was new, and he told me that he could always tell the wifes whose husbands were fooling around because they kept coming in with infections. I told him about my situation and he suggested that if I was going to remain sexual with my husband and he was still slipping around that we use condoms. Well by that time we were seperated and I thought it was not an issue. But FWH called and begged forgiveness and promised to make it up to me so I moved back. Shortly after moving back I discovered that he was involved in another A, one that was ongoing when he begged me to forgive him and come back. So I left and divorced him. The times that we were itimate before I knew about the new A it was very difficult to relax and not think of them together. And I had wondered if we would ever be comfortable together again. So after divorce I looked forward to finding someone to enjoy life with again. I took things slow so as not to burden someone with my pain in the beginning but did begin to date again. But never did let it turn sexual. Then after 2 yrs of leaving my XH and 1 yr from our divorce I found out I had herpes. Now I feel my life is over. I will never again be able to have a sexual relationship without fear of passing this on. I was completely faithful to my XH and I found out that he was never faithful the entire time we were together, dating or marriage. So my difficulties did not end with the divorce and will never get better. I feel I am doomed to a life alone because of the choices that my XH made for both of us.

Posts: 69 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Alabama
blind-sided
♂ Member
Member # 12240
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, May 23rd (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Healing gal,

I'm so sorry for what you've been through.....but there
are 50 million single guys in America.........there's gotta be a better one out there for you.
Just choose carefully.


Now Happily Married to no. 2, "the good wife"!.

Posts: 1090 | Registered: Oct 2006
Strider75
♂ Member
Member # 13596
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, May 23rd (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks mods.

FWW and I started having sexual problems a long time before she had her A. she says it started for her when our son was born. she says she just never regained her libido.

but she didn't tell me until she'd already gotten into the A.

anyway, my sex drive still works fine, and after d-day, FWW just completely shutdown physically.

she gets very stressed by the thought of sex. she won't even talk to me as to why.

we've tried a few times, she is always very sketched out, and i've gotten now so that while i have plenty of sex drive, i have zilch directed at her.

i have no idea what to do, but the lack of sex is a huge problem for me.

afterall, she pushed me away for 2 years before the A started, had a PA were she was pretty much just interested in using OM for sex to validate herself, and then completely shutdown to me. so she can put out for people that don't matter at all, but when it comes to me...

i've gotten so that i don't think of it as anything wrong w/ me now, though, so that's good. it's all her problem.

it's just causing a big problem for the relationship.

i can't live in a sexless marriage. and i have pretty much run out of patience and tolerance.

nobody i've spoken to has any answers, but it is nice to havve a place specificly just to bitch about it.

thanks mods.


Sometimes I wish there was a way to have do-overs in life.

Posts: 5033 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Atlanta, GA
inhishands55
♀ Member
Member # 9454
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, May 23rd (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Healingal, so sorry for all you have been through and are going through...When the right one comes along he will understand and except you for you...Just give yourself time...Big HUGS to you...Keep your chin up and keep posting...It will help..

Posts: 407 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: The Tarheel State, in the mts.
jp12861
♀ Member
Member # 12525
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, May 23rd (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My probelm was guilt, shame and sexual abuse shutting down my poor BH for 10 years (we didn't stop having sex just not often). Now I realize the reason I shut down was shame guilt and the sexual abuse issues. They caused me to act out (sorry putting it badly), so I cut myself off of those feelings to stop completely that bad person, again not taking in account my BH. I just wanted never to do those things again and be a dutiful wife (I've always loved my BH despite what I have done). I was a bitch during those times to pull myself back in a Sab it is in your head that you a bad person, you brought this on yourself (at 5 give me a break)and (no excuses)a really warped sense of self, sex and self-esteem.

Now with everything on the table are reconnecting and we are doing better, but I keep hoping for a magic pill that will get my labido going.

[This message edited by jp12861 at 10:40 PM, May 23rd (Wednesday)]


Just me now and my girls
50
26 & 23

Posts: 1674 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: San Diego
confused girl
♀ Member
Member # 10649
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, May 23rd (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are any females with a low libido going through menopause? I had a hysterectomy a few years back and that really decreased my libido and also caused surgically induced menopause.

I tried a couple different hormone replacements, but fianlly my doctor tried a different one called Estratest and wow....a huge difference.


Love always hopes.

Posts: 1346 | Registered: May 2006
wasfooled2
♀ Member
Member # 13783
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, May 24th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strider, will your wife accept anything "new" or "playful"? Not kinky, but just something that might spark her interest a bit? Candles, music, something like that?

I'm sorry you're in this position. It's very hard.


(Me) BS-39
(Him) WS-41 (serial cheater)
D-Day #7 2/24/07 (lost count)
Married 15 years; together for 23
Reconciled, or so I thought. Separated & divorcing.

Better off I sparkle on my own ~ Anna Nalick


Posts: 5583 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Chicago Suburbs
Strider75
♂ Member
Member # 13596
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, May 24th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wasfooled -

before d-day, i tried introducing a variety of things. music, candles, rose petals covering the bed, a variety of aids (a few toys, massage oils, supposedly stimulating creams), tried a few game type things, tried a little bit of kinkiness like tying up, etc. i've never been shy about asking her what she likes, doesn't like, etc.

i've tried (unsuccessfully) to get FWW out on a weekend just by ourselves. we've always had parents that could take the munchkin for a few days available to us, but FWW refuses to be separated from him for more than one night. the times we have left him overnight at my parents, all she was willing to do was just a standard dinner/movie then home and off to sleep, with the sole exception of a night we spent at a hotel near our old house in va beach (i got a room with an ocean view, jacuzzi, etc.). even then, it took me 4 months of talking to her to get her to agree to do it.

nothing makes a dent.

i've come to think the major problem is that i'm the only one trying.

i've gotten so frustrated now with her about it that i really don't feel like trying anymore. i went to bed last night and she rolled over and her leg pressed up against mine. i genuinely didn't want to feel her on me, so i moved over some to separate. couldn't stand touching her actually. last few days are the first time i've ever felt that.


Sometimes I wish there was a way to have do-overs in life.

Posts: 5033 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Atlanta, GA
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, May 24th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

confused: how long have you been on the HRT? My dr. took me off after 3 years. I think my libido is being controlled now only by my desire to keep my H from straying. I certainly don't get the "hornies" like I used to.

Strider: I feel your pain man. I'm in the same boat. H and I for homework were supposed to plan a weekend away. His initial reaction to where I wanted to go "So, other than 24 hour sex, what else do you want to do on this vacation?" But it was said in a tone like wanting that was a "bad" thing. Especially when I said no tv. He was angry that's what I wanted to go away and do.

He hasn't touched me or made a initiative move in months too. I have and got told in MC that my sexual advances made him feel pressured, if he gave in, he felt coerced (great, now my H feels like a rape victim when we have sex). I'm avoiding all contact (physical) at all with him now. Sleeping on the edge of the bed, etc. He tried to snuggle with me on my birthday (wow, one day he actually put forth a little effort) but the next day was back to the same. Blow me a goodnight kiss and turn over.

We didn't have sex for close to 6 years during his A period. I remember very vividly the rejection, the pushing away and I remember how I handled it. But shutting down and telling myself that sex was over-rated and who needs it. So I'm adopting that mindset again. It truly suck now anyway, so what is there to miss?


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


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