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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread
lost2009
♀ Member
Member # 24526
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, July 6th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone have any input on the 180 question? Thanks!


Me BW-32
WH-34
Together 7 years married 3 years
No kids, 2 furbabies
D-Day #1 6/12/09 (ONS 5/5/09)
D-Day #2 8/17/09 discovered him flirting, texting, and emailing OW

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Texas
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, July 6th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lost...

I'm not sure what you are really asking. If you don't know what you want to achieve or why you would be doing the 180 then I wouldn't suggest it.

Acting happy is far different from actually being happy. IMHO, the acting becomes exhausting because it's not genuine. Also, if you think that by doing this, your H is going to think you are over it, then really aren't you just creating another headache for yourself?


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
lost2009
♀ Member
Member # 24526
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, July 7th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just trying to figure out the point of doing it. This site recommends that BS start doing the 180 as soon as they find out. It seemed like the purpose was to bring WS out of the fog and also improve yourself:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=232785

But I still wasn't sure if that also applies to ONS's? or just A's? I mean certainly everyone wants to improve themselves...


Me BW-32
WH-34
Together 7 years married 3 years
No kids, 2 furbabies
D-Day #1 6/12/09 (ONS 5/5/09)
D-Day #2 8/17/09 discovered him flirting, texting, and emailing OW

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Texas
sharonons
♀ Member
Member # 24462
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, July 7th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

3mtnlabbie
thanks for your suggestion about the ring. Maybe I will look at it like its a promise to myself to learn more about codependency and setting boundaries. Maybe it will be a promise to myself to take care of myself and my kids first. Hey I think ur going to be a good counselor when ur done with school. Thanks again!

Posts: 568 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: NY
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, July 7th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lost, I wouldn't think of the 180 applying or not applying to ONS. The 180 is more for a foggy WS or if the WS is fence sitting regarding R. The 180 isn't so much for how long the affair was but how the WS behaves after and how the BS does or doesn't want to be treated. Hope that makes sense.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
lost2009
♀ Member
Member # 24526
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, July 8th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, thanks!!


Me BW-32
WH-34
Together 7 years married 3 years
No kids, 2 furbabies
D-Day #1 6/12/09 (ONS 5/5/09)
D-Day #2 8/17/09 discovered him flirting, texting, and emailing OW

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Texas
tearyeyed
♀ Member
Member # 24042
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, July 8th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my story: my WH had 4 successive sex encounters with that slut, then he says he stopped it but the slut chases him.. which forum should i go?? because im confused whether that should be ONS or a full blown affair??


yesterday was so dumb
tomorrow? i dont know
but today - i'll let it flow

Posts: 274 | Registered: May 2009
lost2009
♀ Member
Member # 24526
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, July 9th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe you could check both, but this one isn't very active.


Me BW-32
WH-34
Together 7 years married 3 years
No kids, 2 furbabies
D-Day #1 6/12/09 (ONS 5/5/09)
D-Day #2 8/17/09 discovered him flirting, texting, and emailing OW

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Texas
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, July 9th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tearyeyed, you post wherever you feel comfortable.

however, like lost said, this thread is not always very active, so you might try jfo or general.


((((((((hugs)))))))))


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, July 18th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I see this thread has not gotten any activity in over a week.

How is everyone doing?

As far as recovering from the ons, I am doing okay. mr. its is still doing all the right things.

I am back in ic, but for childhood issues now. It's kind of taken me down again, and the dr. has increased my ad's, but today I am feeling okay.

(((((((hugs))))))


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
dbjl
♀ Member
Member # 22878
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, July 20th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((its))) and all

We met with a new MC (finally) 3 weeks ago. We will start process tomorrow night. We will go weekly at first....

More than the last one did.

I think I will have to cede (is that the word) and realize I will never ever get the answers. Maybe I'm being unfair by thinking or saying that's the only way we can find closure to this issue.

The counselor right off called a spade a spade. He told my H that what he had was an affair. He said, "We're going to call it that because ONS or not, that's what it is... an affair."

And to me he said, "We are going to find out why you allowed him to play you the fool. Why you didn't establish boundaries with him & stick to it."

I think we will learn to communicate. I think H will learn how to be stronger with people... funny I still don't understand why he isn't that way with me. He doesn't seem to mind controversy with me at all...

I think positive things will come out of this, but I don't think he will ever do the things I have asked him to do... answer the questions. Set some issues straight with someone else.

And I just have to learn to live with it.

We had a huge argument last night. I hit the wine & then I started in on him.

The wine just gives me some relief that I sometimes need... from the pain and then makes me stand up to him....

Why does loving him so much have to hurt so much?


Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: The land of pain
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 6:40 AM, July 21st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why does loving him so much have to hurt so much?

Well, the only way it wouldn't hurt is if you didn't love him. Then it would be real easy to walk away.

Sounds like you have a great MC!


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
dbjl
♀ Member
Member # 22878
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, July 21st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But it SHOULD NEVER have happened. It SHOULD NOT hurt at all.

Scared.... a new MC... so scared.

And dread.... dreading to drag it all up again.


Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: The land of pain
whyus
♀ Member
Member # 14733
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, July 21st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Grr! FWH who has had multiple ONSs and we have been in R for over two years - YET, this past weekend I was out of town and a buddy of his was in town. They proceeded to go out to bars - which FWH told me they were doing. In fact, he told me that if he was not able to drive home safely then he'd stay at his buddy's hotel room. I say, OK - fine. I trust him now. Up until I try calling him on his cell at 5am and get no answer. This is one of our conditions for R - always answer your cell. He says he didn't hear it or the ringer accidentally got turned off.

At this point, I am totally freaking out. I've heard this story before. No excuses are cutting it. He finally calls me back. I say I am calling the hotel. I will look up the number on the internet, will ask for his buddy's room and if FWH doesn't answer the phone in the room then woe be unto him.

I did all that and FWH answered the room phone. He even got his buddy on the phone to verify.

But this leads me to this dilemma...we never really know about ONSs. They are so hard to bust. They can be hidden so easily. It is very discouraging to deal with this type of situation.


Posts: 81 | Registered: May 2007 | From: southeastofdisorder
findanswers
♀ New Member
Member # 24931
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, July 22nd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

new here.. My H went out looking to have a ONS while the kids and I were out of town..
We have been married 11 years..and have two kids..
This happened three weeks ago..I found out from a text message. It is really hard for me to understand how he can not only risk our family BUT his career too..he is in the military..
he went over to met a girl at the house of a guy that works under him! So needless to say if word gets out he can get in big TROUBLE or get kicked out!!
I have moved nine times in 11 years..lost friends..don't get to see my family because of his job..he has five years left to retirement..I have given up so much to be with him and this is the thanks I get!
So I would just like to get other view points..

Posts: 1 | Registered: Jul 2009
3mtnlabbie
♀ Member
Member # 21948
Default  Posted: 12:31 AM, July 23rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Been away and busy for a while and just checking in to everybody.

3mtnlabbie
thanks for your suggestion about the ring. Maybe I will look at it like its a promise to myself to learn more about codependency and setting boundaries. Maybe it will be a promise to myself to take care of myself and my kids first. Hey I think ur going to be a good counselor when ur done with school. Thanks again!

Why thank you for such kind comments. I'm now 24 weeks away from being done and just SO excited!

The ring thing is about meanings for you. I have a tendancy to look at the bright side of things and what girl can't go without some more pretty bling on the hand?

Support for all. I know we are a slow moving thread but just wanted to be here for you all. I hate the situation that I was put in by H, I hate it.

I feel like we are bonding more though. We have been hiking a lot this summer which as been nice, getting away from everything else, and just being together.

Keep your heads up! WE didn't do this but we can get through it!


Me: BW 27 (January 1982)
Him: WS: 29 (June 1980)
Together - since 12/10/2002 (almost 7 years)
Married - 09/03/2005 (4 years - and kind of surprised we made it this far...)
Children - 3 (all fur babies)
His ONS - 11/29/2008

DDay - 12/01/2008


Posts: 90 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Rocky Mountains
1Marley
♀ Member
Member # 22281
Default  Posted: 12:37 AM, July 23rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whyus and findanswers... e-hugs coming your way.

Whyus-- I hear you loud and clear. I only know about my husband's ONS through a fluke. It is discouraging to think about ALL the levels of trust that are broken in these situations. It sucks that you are now in a place where you have to "check up" on him and doubt what he says (this is something I get very resentful about). Is he sorry for putting you through that? Does he promise to be more careful about leaving his phone on next time? I think that would be the key to moving on...

Findanswers-- I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm no psychologist, but it sounds to me like your husband's behavior is indicative of something else-- depression, maybe? He must be getting some kind of thrill putting himself and his career in jeopardy. Please make counseling a priority, both individual and couples'. All the best to you.

Everyone else-- I know I don't post much here anymore, but hope you are all doing well and finding peace.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jan 2009
1Marley
♀ Member
Member # 22281
Default  Posted: 11:51 PM, July 31st (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All-- wow, I can't believe I was the last person to post to the thread. Hope this means everyone is doing well? If so, please share your stories. I could use some happy stories of reconciliation.

Things are tough. I am nine months from D-Day. Husband and I bought a house and are moving to the midwest. I'm changing jobs. My friends are all pregnant and/or just had babies (just had a miscarriage myself). It's like God has said, "Hey, Marley! I don't think the ONS was shitty enough on you this year. How about I flip your world upside down, shake you around for awhile, and stomp on your face while you try to put the pieces back together?"

Husband is feeling the stress of moving too, and is being surprisingly unsupportive in general. Had a tough night tonight (not regarding ONS) and he said, "can you talk to your Mom about it? I'm tired."

DO THEY NOT UNDERSTAND THAT SHITTY COMMENTS LIKE THAT TRIGGER OTHER WORRIES ABOUT THEIR LOVE AND COMMITMENT TO THE MARRIAGE??

Dark thoughts have been different, too. I'm less focused on the whore, and more on the MAN who was capable of having sex with her. IN OUR BED. What kind of disgusting man would do what he did? Apparently, the kind who doesn't have time to deal with his wife's problems.

Additionally, he made mention several weeks ago about how he feels like I'm not the only "victim" in this-- that he too was a victim that night, on a lesser scale. I wanted to BARF when I heard that. So here are the excuses he knew he couldn't make when the wound was still fresh. I believe excuses and justifications for what happened open the doors to a next time.

Tonight I sat through and read many old posts. I found so much comfort from many of you. Now I wonder if it was false. I wonder if I was fooling myself into thinking I could actually recover from this and trust again. I am sitting here typing and looking at my driveway and thinking, "Get in the car. Run away. You will never get back what you thought you had."

Anyone, please help. I appreciate it so much.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jan 2009
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, August 2nd (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((marley))))))

I'm so sorry I didn't see this until now.

I don't even know what to say. I can't imagine having a S that has the attitude yours does.

My H has been doing everything he possibly can since dday to make things better. If I want to talk, he talks. If I just want to be held, he holds me. He has taken over the majority of the household tasks to lessen my load. I am actually feeling pretty good about R right now.

I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, August 5th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((marley)))

Sorry hun. I didn't see this until today. I promise to check this thread more often.

Tonight I sat through and read many old posts. I found so much comfort from many of you. Now I wonder if it was false. I wonder if I was fooling myself into thinking I could actually recover from this and trust again. I am sitting here typing and looking at my driveway and thinking, "Get in the car. Run away. You will never get back what you thought you had."

No I don't believe any of that comfort was false and you were fooling yourself.

The trust doesn't come back quickly and I think I've finally grasped and learned to incorporate into my daily thoughts, that I will never fully trust my H again. Not the way I did.

There are still certain things I trust him completely with such as our children, being a great provider, etc....but I don't believe I will ever fully trust him with my heart again.

You can recover. You already know it takes a very long time, but you can recover. You will find yourself again.

(((marley)))


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
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