Remember I said its like I'm expecting something extraordinary from H?
Well, friend 1 said... "H is a great (but) simple guy. What if you're that extraordinary thing? The reason why you and H are great together is that you have an amazing balance together. You are busy, high strung, etc. and H is calm, keeps you grounded, is a day-to-day guy that lives for building you a dream home and making you his queen.”
I had never stepped out and looked or thought of it this way, but she is so right. I brought stuff to the relationship that he didn’t (financial, education, a business, a 5 year plan - sounds weird or silly, but I'm thinking outloud here)… H was in debt from past marriage(s) – bad credit from wife #2 trying to file bankruptcy so she didn't have to pay for anything (INCLUDING HER BOOBS), etc. child support, the list goes on…. No plan – just getting by, day-to-day. We met and even though we were so different, we brought out great things in each other.
One of my biggest fears stems from my FOO – being abandoned by my bio-dad. I’ve never been his priority so when H and I started having problems and I wasn’t a priority, I freaked, asked him to leave after it became an apparent issue…. Also part of that abandonment issue is having someone cheat on me and wahla…. There it is.
So on the flip side…. H’s biggest fear was divorcing again/being left, etc. . We were having problems. I kept threatening to leave him or asking him to just leave. He thought it was inevitable. He did something that he knew would end us and it would just be over. The ONS.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not making excuses for him. I’m just having an epiphany….
As far as the communication goes.... friend #2 said in an email this morning….(I had mentioned H was having a hard time understanding my need for communication… he still thinks it needs to be all about the A)… she said “so, I think sometimes when there's a fight or a disagreement in the air it becomes almost impossible to think/talk about anything else, which leads to a further deterioration of the relationship. This happens in all relationships, not just married ones but also friend-friend or mother-daughter or brother-sister. SO. My thought is to remember to talk about little every-day things - what was the funniest thing that happened to you today? Tell me about your favorite birthday party as a child. If you could go anywhere in the world for dinner tonight, where would it be? What's your favorite smell? What do you think of the pirates off of Somalia? Give me your best Frenchman impression. Who's the most influential Simpson's character and why? Why did Elvis like PeanutButter and Banana sandwiches?
Anyway, do some things that remind you why you fell in love in the first place, is my point! That will help the healing part.”
Anyway, I’m still doing homework and just wanted to get this out. This is my version of journaling… I’m not good at it (journaling) so thank you for listening/reading.
Happy almost Friday! Tomorrow is my birthday – I think H has some things up his sleeve. I will just enjoy them for what they are and quit adding expectations to everything.
my h's ons was with a flight attendant (he is a pilot) almost ten years ago, but i didn't find out until this past 9/11. so i am only 7 months out from dday.
another thread you might want to check out in addition to this one is the double betrayal thread in this same forum.
as for the mind movies...one thing that actually helped me was knowing some of the details of how it happened--my imagination was making up stuff worse than the truth. then it was just time and a remorseful h doing everything he can and mc (marriage counseling). i still get them some, but not as much. are you and your h in mc/ic?
hand in there and keep posting.
wh2m, i am happy for you. sounds like you have had a breakthrough.
my h left for a trip this morning and i had to take him since my car is in the shop after my son's accident. have no idea when i will get it back. other than that, things are going pretty well. my rollercoaster is pretty near the top right now. i am hoping it stays there for a while!
hope you all have a good day!
there's just too much that time cannot erase
And the more I know, the less I understand
Because of you...I am afraid...
Thanks for posting here and in my other intro post, I will definitely look for the double betrayal thread!
We can't really afford mc or ic, so we're working through this as best we can on our own.
The mind movies are tough... I actually know all the details, because I asked for them over and over. That's what makes it almost harder, I think. Because I know the OW, and she was a good friend of mine, I know what she looks like. It's so easy to picture them together, especially after all this very detailed descriptions...
Months after the physical ONS, he had an emotional affair with her over the internet for about a month. That's how I caught them - they were emailing back and forth about the time they were together, and how things were tough in our marriage so he couldn't stop thinking about her.
Me - BS
Him - WS thelateghost
hi, everyone. just thought i'd check in here and see how everyone is doing.
h left for work yesterday am and im missing him. he'll be home tomorrow, though.
how is everyone?
It's been a long week for me, but I'm ok. I think. I wish that he would talk to me about what's going on in his head, but I'm supposed to wait.
I joined Curves yesterday. Not sure about it... but there's a 30 day study through Avon & Texas A&M & they'll give a huge discount on the setup fee should I decide to join after the 30 days. Not much to lose... and lots to gain.....
Actually, I have LOTS to LOSE & hope to NOT gain!
I want to know if the hypnosis is going to work & if I'm going to find out...
But you know what???? I feel closer to him ... for what he's doing to get me the answers. I do love him so!
I hope you are all doing ok.
Hope everyone is having a good day.... I surprisingly am. It's my birthday and seems like God has given me good friends and family to make it special... my mom even went out of her way.
H did some nice things from him and from our daughter (flowers delivered and a sloppy signature with her name... how cute is that?).
We had a decent conversation last night. I said some things I've written here and had a conversation about what he thinks I've said I need... and funnily enough... I had to remind him to add C O M M U N I C A T I O N!!!
Anyway, all was good. I actually beforehand told him "I love you" which I neversay any more... but after conversation I really wanted to say I'm starting the forgiveness process but he was tired and so he went to bed. I lurked around SI and then followed later.
Kind of hurt my feelings, but I'm trying to be more sensitive to his communication intake... some times (more than not prob) less is more with him.
DB - I can only imagine how frustrated yet thrilled at his willingness all in the same emotion... hope Monday (if I remember correctly) comes quickly for more answers.
HUGS TO ALL... Birthday drinks on me tonight!!! Whatever it is you love, I'm buying
(teehee! I did it!)
Keep your chin up, sweetie! Drink a blue margarita for me!
P.S. (A week from Monday)
[This message edited by dbjl at 4:07 PM, April 17th (Friday)]
db, you gonna come check in on the get healthy thread down in f&g?
I blew it last night. He was late. He's always said to call him any time. If he's late, it's ok to call if he hasn't.
I called & he said that he'd gotten really involved with some problems at work. He was on his way out the door when I called & he was sorry, but (his words) "there were some answers I just had to find out."
Me.. my short temper, my quick mouth... "Yeah... well, I can relate to that!"
Thing is, it was Friday... our "date night." I had spiffed up & was waiting for him...
Then when he got home, he was apologetic, but one word led to another & it was ugly. Oh so ugly.....
I feel like a shit. He's trying so hard... and I keep obssessing.
don't beat yourself up, you're going through enough already. As hard as he may be trying, it's not unexpected for you to still be upset and angry. I went through, and still sometimes experience, the same reactions. What helped me was telling my husband that I couldn't help having angry reactions and that I wasn't doign it out of malice, but out of hurt and to try and be understanding.
you know that i had a similar occurrence happen with my h not too long ago. i kept picking at him until i got him angry. i was looking for a fight, and i made it happen. i apologized to him the next day, and he understood. i hope you h does too. we also talked about it in mc, about some ways to handle it (for both of us) if/when it happens again.
how are things with the two of you today?
Then, today.... crisis with my son... long story... can't now.... He's so supportive. Had to drive down to my son's (1 hour drive from here) with my ex.
talk to us when you are ready.
I have been MIA to say the least. I've done some reading to try and catch up.
I guess I feel like I want to move on but that rehashing everything doesn't do it. But not addressing our relationship issues also is just killing me.
We have run into some serious issues I guess that are making my mind wonder, like he has had a ONS I can think about other men and fantasize not being married to him.
I'm not attracted to him. H calls me superficial but really - I have lost 15lbs in the past two months - trying to make myself a new person and do it for US. H has a good 10-20lbs he needs to loose too and on D day he said he would do anything. For us to have a successful and loving sex life, I need to be attracted to him. Does that sound shallow?
He isn't willing to make changes. Let me correct that - he said for me to give him a break! That he is trying. God do I feel crappy but at one time I was super attracted to him and we crazy in bed. I don't enjoy looking at his gut. I want him fit and I can't figure out a way to motivate him at all... Wow am I shallow.
DDay - 12/01/2008
Mtnlabbie-- you are not shallow! I struggle with those exact same things. Funny, I think it was H's unhappiness with himself physically and depression that lead to the ONS, and he has made changes (quit smoking and video games-- those were the biggies). However, I keep thinking about how it took ME finding out THE HARD WAY about the ONS to make that happen. I often think our reconciliation would be better, and my mind movies would be less intense (Annabelle, I completely empathize) if he had made these changes on his own.
Hmmm... five months out... maybe that's the time where those of us who have been betrayed start to realize just how gorgeous we really are?? Today someone hit on me in the grocery store and I was like, "ha ha, take that!"
((((DBJL & 3MTN & 1Marley & Annabell & well, hugs to all actually))))
DB - are you out there? are you ok?
My son is 27. He's a nice young man, but somewhat of an underachiever..
He holds down a job & actually has gotten a promotion there, etc, but it's not a high paying job by any means.
He fathered a daughter who is 4 years old. The mother was raised by her mother, grandmother & aunt because her dad had an A with her mother's best friend & left them... and so she's never had anything to do with her dad.
All these women are men haters... except my granddaughter's mother. However, she is trying to find the perfect man. She & her mother bought a mobile home together on acreage which is in the country 50 minutes of the worst traffic in the area from where my son works.
He couldn't ever get her to move because her mother is the only one who ever was faithful to her & she wasn't crapping out on her. After numerous near wrecks and finally a hard wreck, my son said, I'm moving & I hope you'll come with me.
Shitty of him, I guess, but he was a nervous wreck over it ... plus living with her mother... never having a place of their own.
(They were engaged)
She told me that she wouldn't ever move on unless he did. Three weeks later, she's got a boy friend...
Two years later, she has introduced my granddaughter to 3 men.... (One told her monsters were in his house and subsequently she's terrified of the dark... bastard... I hope that's all the bastard did)
Now this 3rd one has my son all torn up. He still loves her, he knows the Good Lord meant for PARENTS to raise their children together.
She wouldn't even talk to him about any of it & now he's been threatening suicide. He's told her he hopes she dies.
She wouldn't answer any of his calls so he hadn't seen his daughter in a month. And finally made arrangements to see her, but they contacted me & told me what's going on and that they are scared of him.
His dad & I drove down there & surprised him. Made him promise to go get help, but he's 27... he won't go & there's not a damn thing we can do about it.
She's got him by the balls financially. They went to the atty general's office to set up child support payments, etc. and after his car payment, rent, insurance & utilities, he has about 300 to eat & what little entertainment he can have.
With this extra money she makes from him, she goes out & buys a suv (has to roll over payments from her past car because she has missed so many payments on it she's upset down) AND... his car goes down the tubes after the wreck.
So, he bought the cheapest little KIA he could buy & ends up losing it... Luckily, they got good money for it at auction & he came away ok... but we had to bail him out of that & helped get another car...
My H is trying to help work his budget.... but he's so ... I guess lazy.... or depressed....
I don't know...
I didn't even want to get up today....
But ITS will be proud... I actually went to Curves...
Sorry this is so long... My heart is hurting so badly...
I guess I made this kid the way he is... he's so talented, but was asthmatic & so sick always & spoiled by mom....
[This message edited by dbjl at 10:38 AM, April 20th (Monday)]
If you can get him on track with a budget... even if it means holding his hand for awhile... I think it might ease some of your son's burden and your worry. Just keep being there for him and let him know how much you love him even in hard times.
His promise to go to the doctor yesterday was broken. He doesn't answer my calls or texts unless it benefits him.
So,I emailed him that since I hadn't heard from him & it takes an hour to get there, I'll leave here at noon and should I go to his work or his apartment. He immediately emailed me back.
Says he can't go to the doctor. They are short-handed. That the ex-gf blew things out of proportion... that he was letting off steam.
He doesn't realize that it's all ammunition ... he needs to learn how to vent in a healthier way.
I woke up yesterday morning so damned sad... I am so tired of hurting... 8 months of hurting about the ONS & now hurting over my son's problems...
Neither of my sons are where I would like them to be... married, children, living happy lives...
I guess it's just my own idea of what life is supposed to be about, but makes me so damn sad... and I hurt so bad.
Time for Curves.