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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread
thebovineone
♀ Member
Member # 15789
Default  Posted: 11:47 PM, September 1st (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well we have discussed it to nausium, it all begins with his drinking. So right now he has vowed to quit, has been about 2 weeks. He is such a wonderful person when sober and I really doubt he would have ever done anything like this if he was sober. He is working very hard to make me feel safe. The only thing is that in a few weeks he is going to travel again, I am sooo terrified that it will happen even though he has vowed it won't ever happen again over and over again. I still get that feeling in my stomach. I love him soo dearly, we have both stated that we want to grow old together. I am so glad there are other people to talk with about this. I let him know all about this site, he has signed up but has only posted once. I let him deceid what he wants to read, I told him our situation is not like the others, long term is not in the picture. I just read and take what I can that might help my situation. We are seeing a mc, I am trying to get the help we both need to survive this. Keep your head up, as I will keep mine up too!!!

Posts: 141 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Washington
Charli
♀ Member
Member # 15601
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, September 2nd (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm wondering... well, just hoping really... is an ONS easier to heal from than a full-blown affair? I know there won't be many people who have experienced both, so it's hard to make a comparison. I just read a description of a BSs progress through the five years after her FWHs affair... Five years! That's as long as we've been together! Am I really still going to be battling this five years from now?

So now I'm hoping against hope that the process will be shorter for an ONS... What do you think?


me: 31, F, XBSO, getting on with my life!

Posts: 1573 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: The Netherlands
thebovineone
♀ Member
Member # 15789
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, September 2nd (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it is up to each individual person, my husband had a ons, we are working on reviving our marraige. This is very new to us, just about 3 and a half weeks ago. I don't know how long it will take for us to get back to something close to normal, but I am sure we will make it. Our love is stronger than the ons. He had no interest in her but what she got, a few fleeting moments in the back of a car. I am bound and determined to erase those images out of my mind, it will take a little time but we are worth every minute of effort!!!

Posts: 141 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Washington
hurtnconfused16
♀ New Member
Member # 14877
Default  Posted: 11:50 PM, September 3rd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't posted here in a while, but have been reading along and nodding with alot of what has been said. I think for me, the most damaging thing is that my WH took something that was supposed to be special for us, and just gave it away. All though college while we were dating, my WH used to say that sex with me was the ultimate expression of love for him. That he wasn't good with saying how he felt. But the physical expression was what he could fo. So...fast forward to 7 months ago, when tries to give that ultimate expression to a woman he barely knew. A potential client. What does that mean? Am I to assume that he is in love with this woman, he only just met? It just makes everything up to this point seem like a lie. And I'm having a hard time believing that the last 8 years of my life that I spent loving this man was a lie.


BS(me): 27
WS(him): 30
M: 3 years(together 8 years)- 4th anniversary coming up this month(ugh!)
Kid: one darling son (3)
Dday : 4/5/07

Posts: 34 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Nashville, TN
thebovineone
♀ Member
Member # 15789
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, September 6th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know how you feel, but my husband did give that away, yours didn't right? So maybe you two need to find out why it almost happened. What is going on in your lives that would lead him to even think about that. Was alcahol involved, it was in my husbands ons. If he was sober he would have never done that ever. I know that and I trust that. We are working on no alcahol ever, working on it is a hard deal, he has had alcahol in his life forever. Don't dispair, if you two love eachother then you will find a way to understand what is going on. Good luck, I hope everything turns out ok with you.

Posts: 141 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Washington
need_support
♀ Member
Member # 16064
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, September 6th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband had one night stand with a stripper in Vegas. Gross....and gave me an STD as a result.

Is a ONS supposed to be easier to get over than a long affair? The books say yes, but I think not.

How do you have respect for someone that can just give it away so easily? Makes me realize that what we had wasn't that important. And we were married, 16 years with 2 kids.

Why do I know it was given away to easily? Because I travel a lot on business not him. Unusual, but it gives me a different perspective. I have had lots of chances to cheat. I've seriously thought about it, especially after I suspected he had cheated. But I never did it because:
1 - I didn't think sex with anyone would be as good as with my husband
2 - I knew that I would lose self respect and was worried about the damage that would cause myself
3 - Didn't want to think about the other person when I had sex with my husband afterwards. Didn't want to bring a 3rd party into my marriage

So, I do think a ONS matters. If someone can so easily throw away their marriage vows....is that the person you want in your life?


me: BS, 37
him: WS, 45, porn addict, 11 escorts, gave me STD
married 17 years
2 teenage kids
DDay: 20 May 2007: STD, false story
DDay #2: July 2008, finally came "clean" about whole story
status: working on reconciliation

Posts: 135 | Registered: Sep 2007
healingtree
♀ Member
Member # 15467
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, September 7th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My first marriage ended with a long term affair through the birth ofour second child and beyond.

One might think - well, that was a LTA, no wonder she divorced him but stayed with Mr. Healingtree...

Far from it. They are BOTH hard -

1st WH - confessed on his own. Was immediately remorseful, on his knees begging for forgiveness, constantly in tears. We seperated and tried counseling, but the fact was, his A destroyed my love for him. I moved on and healed on my own.

Current WH - Dropped his pants for bar sluts, three of them to my knowledge...he felt nothing for them, and he felt nothing for me while he was in that mindset...he admits he just didn't give a crap at the time.

He didn't confess, I caught him.

He is slowing beginning to communicate, but its been like pulling teeth to get to that point.

It is almost harder because he "thinks" h can just write it off as stupid mistakes, and doesn't see the full weight of the pain I bear...

This is the guy who KNEW I was devestated by my FIRST husbands cheating.

We are in R, and on good days I love him but on bad days I wonder what the hell am I still doing here?


FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.

Posts: 8329 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Here and Now
twinnie1
Member
Member # 14640
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, September 12th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Need_support, how interesting-my H too had sex with a stripper in a club, was drunk...blah, blah, blah...same sad old story. All I know is this ONS brought me to my knees begging God to take me to heaven because the pain was so intense I just wanted to DIE. It has been about 4 months and some days are good, some days are bad. I try hard to forgive and forget, but it's easier said than done. I too find it so hard to believe my H would take a 20+ year marriage and risk flushing it down the toilet for sex with a sleazebag that could have HIV, herpes,HPV you name it. He said it was "a mistake" YA THINK? He says I am stuck and can't let it go. I am trying but it sucks. I feel as if life as slapped me with steel gloves. I pray our marriage can survive this. I was in IC but he refuses MC and that troubles me. Until he figures out why he did what he did I think the marriage won't heal. But we do love each other. That is the most heartbreaking thing about this. At least I love him. I have to stop writing now as I am crying and can no longer see the computer screen.


I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.
Phillipians 4:13
He said "I can do all things ..."
He didn't say it would be easy.

"Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about letting go of someone's throat"


Posts: 258 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Somewhere between Heaven and Hell
brokenjester
♂ Member
Member # 15051
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, September 12th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reading these posts are very helpful. Thank you all for sharing.

My FWW had an ONS with an xBF from 10 years previous. She did not have sex with him, but did perform a sex act with him in the back of his SUV with my 2 sons less than 100 feet away.

For me, an ONS is incredibly rough. I know I have read that theoretically, you can get over an ONS quicker than a LTA. I dunno about that. I feel like I have been blindsided by a truck while crossing the street. It happened so fast, so effortlessly. All she had to say was that we were having problems and 2 hours later, she had betrayed 7 years of marriage.

She was drunk too. As a BS looking for answers, you want to blame the alcohol. You want that to the be the reason, but its not. And because of that alcohol, there are gaps in time you wont ever get back because the FWS just cannot remember.

At the end of it all, I am just spinning in this world of confusion over the speed in which things happened. Again, its like being blindsided by a truck.

Sucks. Thanks for listening.


Me: BS (31)
Her: WS (30)
D-Day: July 2002
Truth Day: June 2007

If an injury has to be done to a man it should be so severe that his vengeance need not be feared.
-Niccolo Machiavelli


Posts: 72 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: SF
bluelady
♀ Member
Member # 11061
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, September 13th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There have been many discussions on these boards about whether a ONS is easier to get over than an LTA. In terms of hurt, one is no easier than the other. My
FWH had a ONS - I can sit here and say that my situation is worse because my H was willing to throw everything away for one night with a stranger. At the same time, someone whose WS had a LTA can say "yeah, but at least there weren't feelings involved like in my situation" Either way, it sucks.

What causes so much hurt is the betrayl and whether it happened one time or a thousand, that pain is still the same.


Me (BS): 33

Divorced


Posts: 1421 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: a little bit of everywhere
Burned
♀ Member
Member # 16159
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, September 15th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't read ALL the posts in here yet, but the ones I HAVE read, tell me I belong here!
My husband and I have been bestfriends for 14 years, together for 7, married for 2. He had a ONS with a girl he knew when growing up/school whatever! No protection! He didn't tell me until I confronted him with a message I recovered from her in his facebook account! Only then did he give me HALF the truth. Said they "fooled around" kissed and touched. The next day he finally came clean with the fact that they actually had sex! And only after I said "I NEED the whole truth, I NEED to know if I need to go get some tests run. Did you have sex with her?" he said "Thats not how I finished if thats what you are asking" UH DUH "Did you put your dick inside of her?" "Yes" So the STD tests were done, they came back okay. Apparently she gives blood on a regular basis so she gets regular screenings done and she says the pregnancy thing is not an issue so I assume she is on the pill! WHAT A SAINT! Can whores be saints at the same time???
God I hope she isn't the same blood type as me! I hope I never need blood! Maybe if I am dying and need blood, I will just tell them to let me die, just so I KNOW I don't get that whores blood!

[This message edited by Burned at 9:57 AM, September 15th (Saturday)]


Posts: 99 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: Canada
cantforget
♀ Member
Member # 10564
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, September 18th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just saw this one on here and thought that I would give my 2 cents.
I can't say that a LTA is worse or a ONS is worse, all I know is that it sucks.
My H had several ONS all starting when we were only married 2 months. Then they continued throughout our marriage only ending when I finally caught him emailing his next catch.
I spent almost half of my life with someone who lied to me every day for 17 years.
I woke up everyday not having a clue. Was it easier for him to hide it from me because there were never any phone calls, no plans to get away for the weekend with her. He really never had to hide a thing. And of course I never even thought that this was happening. Never once did I have a suspision.

It has been 1 year and a half since I found out. Am I over it. Hell no. Can I forget about it, Hell no. Can I move on, I am trying but I don't think that I am doing a great job. I am depressed still, I drink way too much and I hate the person that I have become. Bitter, sad, angry, you name it that is who I am now.
Is a long term affair any better than that, I don't know, Is it easier to get over, I don't know, It was just sex right. There were no real commitments right. Bull shit. The commitment to keeping the lie hidden so well for so long is what makes me a ver cinical person now. Why would I trust anyone now. The person who was to love the to the end of the earth woke up every day, sat at the table and had coffee with me, read the paper with me laughed and joked and talked with me everyday. But the proble with the whole thing is the lie. He lied to me everyday that he woke up. He lied to himself everyday that he woke up. What a way to live the past 17 years of my life.


Me:36
Him:40
Boy 17, Girl 15
Married 18 years
Together 22
1st - July/91
2nd - August 94
3rd - December 04
4th - March 06
DDAY of all 4 March 29/06

Posts: 228 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Canada
evdb
♀ New Member
Member # 16247
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, September 19th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband called me on Sunday night to tell me he had gone to a bar and had cheated on me. I had spoken to him just hours before, he had said he loved me and missed me and our 16 month old baby girl. Less then 5 hours later he was willing to trade his marriage, and his family for 10 mins in the backseat of a car b/c he had too much to drink. But gee he is awful sorry he loves and needs his family. I am not ready to hear this. I am not ready for anything yet, I am so hurt, sick, dissapointed, and disgusted. I have no idea what I am going to do next.


Me: 29
Him: 29
Married: March 11, 2005
Together: 4 years
1 baby girl born May 25, 2006
D-Day: September 16, 2007

Posts: 2 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: NV
Charli
♀ Member
Member # 15601
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, September 20th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh EVB, I'm so sorry... this is all too fresh for me to feel like I'm 'qualified' to give advice, but we have in common that both our partners immediately confessed. Horrific though what they did is, I believe that is one good thing in an otherwise very bad situation...

I read in your other post that your husband is in Iraq - when does he come back?

(((((((evb)))))))))


me: 31, F, XBSO, getting on with my life!

Posts: 1573 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: The Netherlands
Devestatedx5
♀ Member
Member # 16557
Sad  Posted: 8:09 AM, October 11th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm new to this "club" - I never WANTED to be a "member".

Finding helpful or supportive information on the Internet regarding one night stands is difficult. Nearly everything is for affairs.

(And the next person that says it's easier to "get over" a one-night-stand I'm going to smack them upside their head! Perhaps for the cheater - but certainly not for the betrayed spouse!)

I find myself at a loss.
Advice is to "set boundries" (rules) with him/for him so that this won't occur again.

He does travel for business - though I did demand that he not return to "the other country" - as opportunities are so abundant. Yes, I know, it could happen anywhere.

For the life of me, I can't think of ONE DAMN thing he could do or say that would "prevent" this from happening again.

Demand that I travel with him each and every time?
Demand that he never drink again? (No, he doesn't have a problem with alcohol - but was drinking heavily with the group while there.)
Sew his fly shut?
Superglue his pants on?
Have the hotel staff lock him into the hotel room?
Have the staff "disconnect" the TV? (So as to remove any visual temptations or thoughts.)
Have him escorted around 24/7 by an armed guard?

Changing jobs at this juncture (3 weeks since I was told) is just TOO much to handle - for me, the children and him. Down the line? Certainly up for consideration.

He's been asking me what he can do to reassure me that it will NEVER happen again - and I just plumb can't come up with jack. Not one idea. Sad, hu?



FBS-me (49)
FWH(57) ONS 8.19.07
Dday: 9.19.07
Married +26 years
RE-MARRIED 4.28.11
----------
Proverbs 31:10-31
Sometimes people are SO open-minded that that their brains fall out.

Posts: 2598 | Registered: Oct 2007
STAND
♀ Member
Member # 16442
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, October 11th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's been asking me what he can do to reassure me that it will NEVER happen again - and I just plumb can't come up with jack. Not one idea. Sad, hu?

I don't think that is sad. Maybe b/c I am in the same boat... WH asks what he can do to prove he is remorseful? I have no idea! *shrug* WH is waiting for me to figure out the 'magic recipe' that will fix everything back to normal. Finding out that 'normal' = hiding a ONS from me as well as feelings of unhappiness re: our marriage; well, I don't want to go back to that 'normal'.

WH's ONS was a few yrs ago -- I just found out about it May 2007 b/c he was headed toward another ONS. I found his email to the hooker requesting an appointment.

When did hookers get their own websites? and require appointments and references? When I step outside the nightmare I call my life, that (the hooker's requirement of appointments and references) just blows my mind right there!!!


"Is my life a comedy or a tragedy? If only I could decide than I could dress accordingly." - Ashleigh Brilliant

Posts: 938 | Registered: Oct 2007
Beacon
♂ Member
Member # 16455
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, October 15th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A ONS isn't an affair, but it still hurts, you know?


This crap was just posted today on another forum. I strongly disagree- I can't believe people think a ONS is NOT an affair. Sorry just venting.


Divorced 4 years ago

Posts: 175 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: Texas
stillpissed
♀ Member
Member # 10259
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, October 16th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Statements like that get me all riled up too.


DDAY #1-NOV 21ST, 2004
(ONS occured but H denied)
DDAY #2-APRIL 28TH, 2005
(ow spilled the beans)

Posts: 272 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: The Lake
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, October 21st (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A ONS isn't an affair, but it still hurts, you know?

You know, the one thing I've never been able to understand is how people can judge. Is there some validity in knowing it wasn't an LTA where emotions were involved? If so, then how does that explain an online EA? Are those any less because there was no physical but only emotional?

It doesn't matter what kind of infidelity...it all sucks.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
Revkwd
♀ Member
Member # 4933
Concerned  Posted: 10:38 PM, October 21st (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I belong here. See my story and know that it was all slam, bam thank you Mame. All 5 knew he was married and he was stone cold sober. Its all a horror. Many details which make it so painful...Still! after 4 and a half years since Dday. To break my heart over nothing feels so very cruel. What can I day. It all hurts. And he is crazy about me and always has been. Its about them being broken. And we are married 47 years this August past. I'm rambling. I still hurt daily.

kwd


kwd

Posts: 218 | Registered: Jul 2004 | From: DC area
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